A mom wonders about why her 5 year old son won't visit his dad or have sleep overs. She says there is a history of abuse (emotional and physical) but that her ex-husband has never hurt her son.


Shirley Cress Dudley, the blended family expert replies:
I'm sorry your son doesn't want to visit his dad. It's important for him to have time with both his mom and dad. But, you also mention that there is a history of abusive behavior from your ex-husband.


Even though you said your ex has never hurt your son, he does have that capability, and you have experienced both emotional and physical abuse from him.


I'm sorry you are having a difficult time.  It's good you realize that your son needs to spend time with his father- children need a relationship with both their mom and dad.


But, if your son is refusing to spend the night at his dad's place- and there is a history of abusive behavior- it's time for some investigation. I know you said your ex-husband has never hurt his son, but your son is still afraid of being at his house, alone at night.

Find a local child therapist. I recommend an LMFT or someone that has "play therapy" in their qualifications. Let a therapist talk with your son and figure out what's going on.

If your son has nothing to fear, the therapist will help him with this. If there are some real concerns, then these will also need to be dealt with. It's possible your son only needs supervised visits with his dad, and these may not include over night visits (unless another adult is present.)

You are right that your son needs time with his dad, but find out what your son's concerns are about, before having him spend the night.

I wish you the very best.


Shirley


Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC FACMPE
Executive director of The Blended and Step Family Resource CenterBest selling author of the book, Blended Family Advice

Five biggest problems in a blended family or step family

Though blended families may be becoming more common today, that doesn’t mean they’re any easier to nurture. According to a report by Gary L. Sanders, the blended family has some developmental hardships and differences from traditional nuclear families. It doesn’t take a psychology degree to know that members of such families may need to have more time and patience to form a stable, functioning family than do traditional families because there are less resources available to fit the situation as a consequence of the term’s newness. Here are some strategies for dealing with the transition phase into the blended family.

Blended family child-rearing difficulties

When both parents in the household are not on the same parenting page, problems can arise, just as they can when each biological parent lives in separate households. It takes a lot of communication to avoid these problems altogether. First of all, it is of utmost importance to keep the children's interests in mind, while putting your spouse's interests first. You’ve got to present a united front. Doing so can save the marriage, and it can subsequently ensure a happier household. Child-rearing difficulties are a common ground for divorce, so it is vital that all adults involved are able to work together and to make joint decisions.

Sibling rivalry between step-children

Just as it can be difficult for a child to adjust to having a new baby in the household, it can also be difficult to add step-siblings into an existing family. It can be especially difficult when one family moves into the other family's home, where the children may feel like they do not belong. It is important to keep as much of a routine as possible, as well as to adjust the family's rules to fit your new situation. One sibling should not be made to feel less important than any other, and they should all have to follow the same rules so no one feels inadequate. Doing so will help avoid serious sibling rivalry.

Romance after remarriage

A second marriage in a blended family is much different than falling in love for the first time. A first marriage is all about romance and starting a new life together, while the second marriage is going to carry a little bit of baggage - there are children to worry about now, and biological parents, and on a romantic level, damaged expectations from a previous relationship. The practicalities of life often hinder any alone time that might be involved, but romance is vital in keeping a stable marriage. Set aside a block of time each week or every month, when mom and dad can do anything they like without the kids. Also, be sure to take a few minutes every day to check in with your spouse and to catch up on the day's events. Communication and romance are necessary elements in a marriage.

Respect for the step-parent

"You're not my mom!" Get used to hearing it. It won’t be a one time thing while you transition into your new family. Children will fight with a new authority figure, and they may have little respect for that adult. Or, maybe, if you’re a little bit luckier, they’ll see you as a friend instead of a parental figure. Yet no matter the situation, you have to work with your partner to be sure that they respect you. Don’t let the kids intimidate you; don’t let them walk all over you. Work with your partner to determine disciplinary action when children become disobedient and disrespectful.

Bonding with blended family members

Blended and step families who are able to get along well and to bond with one another are much happier as a result. Since some children may feel resentment toward new family members, it can be difficult to bond in the beginning. Parents need to understand that it is hard on children to uproot and to be placed in a new environment with different people. Give them some time, but make sure the line of communication is open. Spend some one-on-one time and let them know that you’re not just their mom’s new husband or dad’s new wife, but part of the family. Talk to the child and find out what is bothering him or her, so you can take the appropriate steps to work out any problems.

The creation of the blended family is as difficult as maintaining harmony in even the most traditional, “Leave it to Beaver” families. The biggest obstacle to maintaining harmony is making sure that, even if everyone’s needs are not being met, they’re being heard. Keep communication open and honest, and you’ll be well on your way to a happy family.

Note from Shirley Cress Dudley:  If you need more assistance, consider getting a copy of Blended Family Advice, or getting coaching at The Blended and Step Family Resource Center.

Guest Post from Allison Gamble

Allison Gamble has been a curious student of psychology since high school. She brings her understanding of the mind to work with psychologydegree.net

My fiancé is still posing for family photos with his ex-spouse

A future blended mom asks:

help!  My fiancé is still posing, each year, for Christmas family photos with his ex-wife and his kids. They also celebrate Christmas together, each year. He doesn't see any harm in it, and says the kids like it. I don't think this is right- what can I do?

Shirley Cress Dudley Responds:

You are right, your fiancé does not belong in family photos of family that no longer exists.  Some parents believe that by celebrating the holidays together (even though they are divorced) is best for the kids.  In reality- it’s cruel to the kids.  By continuing to celebrate Christmas together, and taking group/family photos, it gives the kids hope that mom and dad may be together again someday (every child’s hope and dream.)

If both parents have remarried, (or are engaged) and everyone can attend and will get along- then it’s fine for everyone to be there, as long as it’s everyone.

It’s time for your fiancé to have his own Christmas celebrations. I don’t know how long this has been going on, but as soon as he separated from his ex, he should have begun celebrating the holidays separately.  The kids need to see the “new world” and that includes dad as a single person, and one who, as an adult, can celebrate birthdays and other holidays, in his own home. Now that you are engaged, it should be a celebration with you, your fiancé and all of your kids- if that’s possible. If not possible, then make sure once you are married you celebrate together as a blended family.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Post Step Family Holiday Blues

If the holidays did not go as planned, and you have some bad memories of the last few days, there is still hope for your blended family. Here are some things you can do:


Talk with your spouse about how you would have done things differently.  Listen to your mate as you discuss together what to do that will benefit all of your family. Plan a different strategy for next year. Discuss what you did enjoy and rejoice in your successes.


Take your biological kids aside and discuss the holidays. Tell them how important it is for you to have all of your blended family together for the holidays, and for this family to be kind and friendly to each other.  Discuss what went well, and what could have been done differently. Parents- don't forget the rude, disrespectful and unkind behavior should be disciplined immediately- no matter how old the child is- even adult children can be asked to leave your home when behaving badly.


It also may be time to get some counseling or blended family coaching. Reading a few good books, or talking to someone educated in blended and step families can give you and your mate insight into some new ideas for your step family issues.


Above all, rejoice in the fact that the holidays are over, and you and your family survived!  Remember the good times, and know that even the bad memories are ones you may sit around the fire (hopefully) and laugh at next year.


I wish for you and your family a new start for 2011, and the best year ever!

Kindest Regards,
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC
Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center.

Step daughter's flirting with their dad in blended family

A blended family mom asks:

 My fiance and I have very different parenting styles.He lives with me and my 3 children full-time and we have his kids on Wednesdays and every other weekend. He has great kids and so do I.

I feel like his girls are more sneaky and manipulative. He of course doesn't see this in them at all.His girls are 12 and 9.Their bedtime is 9:30 however they take way too long to get ready and want him to tuck them in repeatedly so it's 10 or later before they are actually in bed.I spoke to him about this and he feels it's not a big deal. They also tend to disregard him when we are trying to leave the house in the mornings before school.They always are running 15-20 minutes late because they stand around and waste time.His oldest gets up at 5am and still can't be ready by 7.my 3 kids are all ready to head out the door after only being up for an hour.He lets his girls watch movies that have sexual content and lots of profanity which really disturbs me as my kids are only allowed to watch movies that are appropriate for their age level.His girls tend to be way to physical with him.Always wanting to sit on his lab and his 9 yr had him carry her the other day with her facing him and her legs wrapped around his waste.They both have made the comment that they wish he was their age so they could date him.They constantly tell him he is cute and rub his arms in to me a sexual way.I spoke with him about it and he didn't realize how things looked but he still hasn't talked with them about it.When sitting next to him they throw their legs over him and sometimes their hands are to close to his genitals and they all seem like it's no big deal.My fiance never gives me the vibes that there is any unnatural feelings for his girls but I have the feeling that the girls are interested in him in a more intimate way.What should I do. I have had other people tell me that it is weird the way the girls act with their dad.They are good kids and for the most part don't cause any trouble.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

I have had this experiences you described myself, and also heard similar stories from other blended and step families.  His girls see you as competition. They believe that if their dad loves you, it means that he loves them less. In their child-like eyes, they are doing what they believe will “win” him over to love them more, and give you up.  (If you completely think through it, it’s a bit sick, but the girl’s brains don’t think through it completely- their thoughts are clouded with the fear of abandonment.)  Here are some tips that may help this issue, and the other issues you mentioned:

House rules:

You and your fiancé need to establish house rules for your blended family.  Negotiate, decide what’s most important, and write them all down. This includes leaving on time, going to bed on time, and what kind of movie/television is appropriate to watch in front of the whole family.  You both will have to negotiate a bit to come to an agreement on these rules or guidelines. I do lean, though, towards watching age appropriate video and television content.  You may need to give in a little on the girls taking so long, but let natural consequences help the girls realize keeping to the schedule is necessary.  Example- agree on a bedtime for the kids (it may be different based on the ages of the kids, but should not be different based on which family they are from- his or yours.)  If someone goes to bed late one night, (say- 30 minutes) then they need to start going to be 30 minutes earlier the next night (natural consequence.)  Same in the morning- if they can’t leave at the specified time, then they will need to get up earlier and also go to bed earlier, to get enough sleep.

Your fiancé should spent some time with the girls talking about the difference between adult love and parent/child love (just the basics.)  “The love I have for Kelly is different than the love I have for you.  Loving her has nothing to do with a father’s love. I will always be your dad, and nothing and no one can ever change that.”

He should also praise the girls when they are showing good behavior- getting ready on time, obeying his instructions, etc. He should tell them how proud he is of them, and how they are growing up. When the 9 year old asks to be picked up, he should remind her that she’s too old for this.  If the girls start pawing him, it is fine for him to tell them that it’s not appropriate and this is not how a daughter touches her dad- stop immediately.  (Normally dads don’t notice these things- so you may need to have a secret word, or a tap on his arm, to help him notice when these things are happening.)  Girls have even started dressing provocatively and flirting with their dad to try to keep his attention and keep him away from the new stepmom. 

You can also reinforce their dad’s talk by telling the girls that you love them because you love their dad.  Tell them that being their stepmom doesn’t mean that you are their mom, or will ever take the place of their mom. Also tell them that their father loves them very much and you are glad he has a good relationship with them. 

I hope that helps. Sometimes couples need more than just an email. If you try these steps (and also let him read this email) and don’t see changes in the coming weeks, you may want to consider getting more help- joining a support group, purchasing a copy of Blended Family Advice, or getting blended family coaching.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Consultant for  Performance Online Marketing Services

You can follow Shirley-

Twitter:              @MarriageNFamily  (over 35,000 followers)

Facebook:        Shirley Cress Dudley, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, Blended Family Advice Group

Linked In:          Shirley Cress Dudley, Blended Family Forum

Blended and Step Family Holiday Contest

This week only- send in your blended family holidays photos or step family holiday memories and you will be entered in our drawing.


Prizes include:  Holiday Survival Kit for Blended and Step Families, Blended Family Advice- the book, and 30 minute mini-session with Shirley Cress Dudley to answer your holiday question.


Share your wonderful blended family photos, or memories of great holiday times in your step family. You will encourage and strengthen another family- and you also might win a prize!


Go to The Blended and Step Family Resource Center for more information about the contest.
Good Luck!

Step Mom asks about keeping deceased moms photos in the house

A Step Mom Asks: I married a man 3 years ago who became a widower when his wife died suddenly, 6 years ago.  His children were 17 and 25 at the time of their mother's death. We purchased a new home, and while going through old boxes, found lots of photos of his deceased wife.  His adult daughter wants us to display the photos of her mom in our home, and is refusing to come to our home if we don't put the photos out. My husband feels stuck in the middle.  I don't feel supported in this.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

Blended families are tough, especially when a parent dies.  You want to honor the deceased parent, and yet maintain your place as wife and mother in this home.

When you and your husband married, the two of you become the center of the family.  You and your husband become the center of his former nuclear family and you and your husband become the center of the decisions made around you and your kids.  You are the wife and mother of this home and this new family. 

I understand the daughter’s desire to keep her mother’s photos, and that is understandable.  If you and your husband have room, then, by all means, keep them in storage for the kids.  Encourage them, at some point (maybe even giving them a deadline) to collect the photos and take them to their homes. This is part of being an adult and creating your own home and family.  You husband may want to keep some (which is fine- this is his nuclear family and one that existed for many years) – but it is not appropriate for these photos of the former family to be displayed in your home.

As the mother and wife of this home, it is inappropriate for a former wife (even if she is deceased) to be publically displayed in your home. If any of the kids were still living in the home, it would be appropriate for them to have photos of their mother in their room (but not family/group photos.) Your youngest child should be able to have a photo or two of his (her) father in his room.  You are honoring their deceased mother by keeping photo albums and photos, but there is no need for these photos (however lovely) to be displayed in your home.  Again, this is your and your husband’s home.  He cannot have two wife’s photos, or two sets of family photos displayed in this home.

Kids, even adult kids, will push the limits in a blended family.  They will see if their dad is going to choose you over them.  They want to see who is “loved more” or “more important” to him.  It is of extreme importance that you and your husband don’t engage in this competition.  There is no competition between a father’s love for his kids and a man’s love for his wife.  The mom and dad (husband and wife) are in charge of this family, and they (you and your husband) make the primary decisions in this family. All kids are loved, and their place in the family has not changed- they are still your kids. The two of you will parent (and co-parent) your kids (and stepkids) to the best of your ability- together.

I understand your husband’s conflicted feelings, but it’s time to put the photos back in storage, and your husband tell his kids how much he loves them, and how much he loved their mother. But- their mother is dead now, and he has remarried. He should explain that he and his new wife are creating a home and a life together.  If the daughter refused to come to your home, then (although this is very tough, it’s really what is best) your husband should tell her he loves her and will be waiting to see her, when she is ready.  He should not push her, or offer to meet her somewhere else, but stand firm in his commitment to you and his new blended family.  When she protests, he should continue to tell her how much he loves her, and wants her to be a part of his blended family, and will hope that she will understand and realize it’s the right decision for everyone.

I hope that helps.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

MTV casting for a stepfamily with teenagers

The Step Family Project
Are you a soon-to-be or recent stepparent with teenage kids

on both sides?  Are your kids creative, outgoing and ready to have some fun documenting the experience of blending families?

Our show will be told from your kid’s points of view as they film all of the action that’ll go on in your new lives, all living under one roof!  Armed with a flip-cam, this is their chance to show the audience that it’s not so easy to blend into a new family!  You and your new husband are along for the ride, too, as we’ll see your reactions to your kids as they figure it all out!

For more info send us photos and an email describing your story!  We want to know about your personality, your issues and your family dynamic!

CONTACT:

Stepfamily Casting Department

(626) 535-0868 x 316

To apply for the show send your story to:

Stepfamilycasting@mikemathisprods.com

There is compensation for participation

Blended Families Matter- Happy July 4th

Happy July 4th, our USA Independence Day, from our family to yours.

Shirley Cress Dudley, director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Stepdaughter draws evil pictures of her stepmother

Recently, I received this question from a stepmom:
My 9-year-old stepdaughter is having problems accepting me in her life as her stepmother. She is very close to her real mother and has told me numerous times that she hates me and doesn't want me in her life. She has been acting up a lot and showing lots of aggression and disobedience towards her Dad and me. It has gone as far as her not even hugging her Dad or wanting to come to her Dad's house because she doesn't like me. The other day she drew a picture of me with devil horns and a tail. Her mother defends her by saying that she is just merely expressing herself. I am very hurt by her drawings and just want her to like me. We are talking to a counselor about her behavior but the counselor is siding with her mom saying that the drawings are just an expression of her. Her Dad and I have been married for five years now. What can I do to get her to accept me and not take her hate for me out on her Dad?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds: I would have agreed with the counselor and her mom, if you had not added that you’ve been married for five years. My guess is that her mom is saying negative things about you and encouraging her daughter to hate you. “Hate” is a strong word- but divorced parents are sometimes very confused, and think that getting the children involved in their adult issues will somehow make the situation better. It sounds as if your husband’s ex-wife has some unresolved anger and bitterness towards the divorce and then remarriage. Involving her daughter in this anger and bitterness is very unhealthy.

It’s time for your husband to talk to his ex-wife about his expectations of how they raise their daughter. Each parent should do the best they can to parent the child, and to support the other parent in their role. Your husband’s ex is trying to get her daughter to choose between you and her. By making you evil, the biological mom is assuring her daughter that she really loves her. This is nonsense.

Your husband needs to talk to the mother of his child about speaking positively of all adults involved in this co-parenting process. (All adults means you too.) To do the best job raising their daughter, she needs to be in an environment where she knows all the adults care about her and want what’s best for her. Her mother can help this situation by speaking positively about dad’s wife and the role she has in her life. He also needs to tell her mom that the two of you will speak positively about her, at all times, in front of her daughter (and fully expect the same behavior from her.)

Why should she do it? (She will ask….) Well- by continuing to teach her daughter that her stepmother is evil, she will eventually lose a healthy relationship with her father, distrust anyone her mother decides to marry, and- at some point, will realize what her mother is doing, resent her mother’s actions, and break off a relationship with her too. This pattern will result in a very confused teenager, and someone that will be counting the days to leave home and figure out how to have a normal life without crazy parents.

Unfortunately, your husband can talk to his ex, and she may choose to ignore his requests. In your own home, here are some steps you can take:
• When she is visiting, make sure you have house-rules/expectations in place. (Example: rudeness and disrespectfulness will not be accepted.) Her biological dad should enforce any consequences from her poor behavior. Make sure you go over the expectations with her, in advance, so she understands the rules of the house and the consequences. (For more information on developing house rules, read, Blended Family Advice, section two.)
• The two of you tell her, regularly, that you love her and enjoy spending time with her and having her a part of your blended family.
• Find opportunities to tell her that you know you’re not her mom, and never want to take the place of her mom. However, you’re happy to be a part of her life as an additional adult to love her and care for her. If she is rude, walk away, and let her father talk with her about her behavior (along with providing consequences.)
• Also have her father talk to her about the difference between a mom and a stepmom, and how there is no competition. She can love both of you, and both of you can love her.

It’s going to take some time. I hope your husband can convince his ex that her negative words about you are really hurting her daughter. If not, then your husband and you can create as normal an environment as possible (after-all- none of us are perfect,) with two loving parents- who maintain a loving home with rules and expectations, when she visits. Good luck to you. She’s still young, and I believe you can really make a difference in her life if you take action now.

Are You A Disney Dad?

Are you a “Disney Dad?”
• Do you get nervous when it’s time for your child(ren) to visit?
• Do you want everything to be perfect and your child(ren) happy at all times?
• Do you try to make wonderful plans, over the top, AMAZING activities each time they come over?
• Do you ignore your spouse and other family members during the visit?
If you answered yes to at least two of these questions…then you’re a Disney Dad!

Is this a bad thing? Well – yes and no. It’s great that you love your kids- no problem with that. It’s wonderful that you want to make your kids happy- that’s O.K. too. But is it realistic that you’ll keep them happy ALL the time? Nope.

Unrealistic Hopes
You are worrying yourself into an impossible situation. You can’t please your child(ren) all the time. If you really want to do this, I recommend divorcing your current spouse, giving up your job, your blended family, friends, hobbies, and possibly sleep too- but I need to warn you- it won’t be enough. Kids sense this struggle, and they will whine and whine, scream for MORE- attempting to get you to “raise the bar” every weekend. Will it ever satisfy them? Of course not- but your kids don’t know this.

What Do Children Really Need?
Children need love, belonging and recognition. They want to know that you love them and they are an important part of your life. How do you show them? By including them in your life.

Take them on your errands. Eat meals with your blended family, and involve them in family activities. It’s O.K. to have some one-on-one time over the weekend, but that shouldn’t be your main focus. Your child(ren) needs to see that they are a part of your family and part of your life. Those of you who have remarried and have step kids living with you- it’s important to show your biological children that they “fit” in this family, and you want them to be a part of it.

Who’s in Charge?
Right now- it’s your child(ren.) They really want structure and leadership from you. It’s time to be their parent and not their friend. They have friends, but they need to see some stability, structure and leadership from you.

It’s not time to eliminate discipline or instruction from you. Your child wants to please you and have you proud of him/her. By discussing your expectations with them, you are guiding them to be more responsible and continue becoming the best person they can be.

How Much Effect Can I Have, 26 Weekends a Year and a Couple of Holidays?
You’d be surprised how much effect a non-custodial father can have on his child(ren.) The role of a father in a child’s life is crucial. Your visits with them are great, but you can also maintain your relationship with phone calls, texts and even communicating with them on Facebook. Children need their father- a male role model in their lives. Don’t minimize the effect you can have on your child(ren.) When your child(ren) visits, show them a normal family, and a normal marriage- not a time where one person overshadows everyone else’s needs- that’s not normal or healthy.

Conclusion
As you are reading this article, some of you are saying, “Well, a couple of those points sound familiar, but I’m not as bad as all that.” Just a hint- if a couple of these paragraphs apply, then you’re a Disney dad. As my husband says, “Walks like a duck, sounds like a duck…..it’s a duck” In other words- don’t deny it, it’s time for change.

For more information, get your own copy of Blended Family Advice it’s a great instruction manual for how to be a remarried dad in a blended family.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She is the founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center. Shirley has a passion for helping blended and step families grow strong and be successful. Sign up for our Free newsletter and receive a Free Report- Top Ten Worst Mistakes You Can Make in Your Blended Family,
http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com

(You are welcome to reprint this article, as long as it is reprinted, unedited, in it’s entirety, along with the bio at the end. Thank you.)

Problems with StepKids

A blended mom asks:
My fiance and I have 2 children together ages 3 and 5. He also has 3 older children from previous relationships ages 7, 8 and 12. Since my first child was born, he has accused me and HIS family of treating his children by me better than his other children. Of course his family and I feel that that is not true.

His other children, my stepkids, live in another state. The problem is that his children do spend summers here. I love his children, but the 7-year-old has never respected me, nor do I trust her around my children unsupervised. For example, this summer, I saw her trying to convince my 3-year-old to eat something that could have hurt him. My 3-year-old had enough sense to tell her that he didn't want it because he thought it was medicine. She was telling him that it was candy. Even her older sister told them that it was medicine and that he shouldn't eat it, but the 7-year-old was insisting that it was candy. Of course, I chimed in and told them to throw it away whatever it was. (This happened while we were visiting the 7 and 8 year-old's home). I have not yet mentioned this to my fiance.. This is not the first incident that we have had concerning her, and it always causes us to argue.

Furthermore, when he fights with the other biological moms, he threatens to fight for full custody of the other kids. I feel like I have enough on my shoulders raising my two children let alone 2 or 3 other step-children that have perfectly capable mothers. Do you think this blended family can work, or should we hold off on getting married?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
I read through your question several times and I’m not sure where to start. I’ll try to answer your questions even though I don’t think I have the whole picture. (Not your fault – it’s just difficult through email.)

O.K.- here’s what I think-

I believe if you have two kids together, you ought to try to make it work, and ought to get married. I do believe that the commitment of marriage improves the relationship and also the relationships with the ex-spouses.

Talk with your husband about family rules. When kids are in your home (biological or step) they should abide by your family rules. You and your husband should spend some dedicated time together and develop these rules. Present your house rules to the kids along with consequences of them disobeying. Each child should follow the same rules. Check out Blended Family Advice book for more information.

As far as your husband’s perception of your/his kids being treated better than the kids from previous marriages, it may be because these kids live with you. It is easy to love, spend time with, and do things for the kids that are living with us. He can’t take it personally, if the other kids only visit and are not there full time. Tell him that the two of you can treat all the kids equally and also remind the relatives to do so (and that you prefer it) if you see your biological kids getting any preferences or extra attention. (Now- attention due to proximity is different. If the relatives are spending more time with your biological kids because they are living near them, just remember to bring the stepkids around these relatives when they are visiting.) It is tough, but treat them as equally as possible and remind your relatives that you want them to do the same.

Remember that your relationship (and future marriage) should take priority. If you focus on your relationship, the rest of the family will do better. Talk with your husband about your concerns about the 7 year old. Start off with, “I love ____, but there’s something I need to tell you about her that makes me uncomfortable. I need for us, as a couple, to figure out what to do.” He is on your side, your team- so, talk with him about your concerns. I know it sounds difficult to raise all of the kids (it’s unlikely that he will win full custody) but if it happens, it may actually be easier to parent your stepkids if they are in the house full time. Talk the positives/negatives over with your husband about this also.

I hope that helped, and addressed most of the issues you mentioned in your email. If your issues continue, you may want to consider coaching. www.blendedfamilyadvice.com/coachingwithshirleydudley

Step son and son issues

A Reader recently asked: My son and step son recently had a falling out. The boys are both 17. My step son was caught drinking and partying at his mom's house. (did not involve my son at all). When questioned by his mom he "offered" up that my son and he had drank and smoked pot together before. My stepson's mom told us and we had to discipline my son. My son is furious and feels the his brother ratted him out for no good reason. When my boys were 14 my stepson stole my son's wallet and lied about it, so there is a bit of a history of lack of trust. My son forgave him for that but this seemed to have sent him over the top. They will not talk to each other and the whole household is upset and stressed. What should we do as parents in this situation? My step kids some every other week.

Shirley Cress Dudley's response:
I see several issues:
*The boys have a trust issue and also and issue “bonding” as family members
*Discipline issues (including- both boys are smoking pot and drinking)

To work on the trust issues and blending your family, it would be helpful to schedule family activities (at least one) every weekend your stepson is present. I know it’s tough to get teenagers to stay at home and participate, but it is essential to bringing your family closer together. An idea might be to require the boys to be home for a family meal before going out for the evening. It’s helpful to tell both boys that you love them and would like for them to try to get along.

Also, you have some discipline issues- it is important for you and your spouse to decide on house rules and expectations. These guidelines should be for all the kids, visiting or living in the house full time. Once you and your spouse agree on those guidelines, present them to the boys, and inform them that there are consequences for disobeying/not respecting the guidelines. I recommend letting the biological parent enforce the consequences.

While I understand your son’s feelings that his stepbrother “ratted on him,” it is unacceptable for either boy, in your blended family, to engage in underage drinking or pot smoking.-that should be the primary concern. Even if the rules are different at his biological mom’s house, it is important for you to do what’s best for the boys, when they are in your home. You will find an unusual benefit to these new rules- your boys will bond with each other against the adults! That’s fine, but stand firm in your expectations for them. Soon, these boys will be on their own, and suffer more serious consequences from disobeying the law.

It’s tough to answer all of the issues in a brief email. Let me know if this information is helpful and gives you more ideas on actions to take.

Shirley Cress Dudley
Blended and Step Family expert

Attending a stepmother's funeral

A mom asks: I am seeking advice on the "rules" for blended families with regard to funerals and memorial services. This family event reminds me I have so much to learn about blended families beyond my immediate family situation and I find your blog very interesting and helpful to that end.

Would you be willing to share your opinion on the following situation? My significant other is part of a blended family. His parents divorced when he was a young adult and both parents remarried. He lives 10 hours from his (deceased) father and stepmother. He had a cordial relationship with his stepmother and her children, but never a close, bonded relationship - interactions only occurred around large, family get-togethers organized by his father.

His stepmother passed away last week and he is unable to attend the funeral due to a trip he has had planned for a very long time. He is being exceptionally hard on himself for not being able to go. He has even put off telling his stepmother's children because he feels so bad (even though they have implied in conversation that they don't expect him to be there). What has your experience been with others in similar situations? Is this a major a no-no to miss a stepparent's funeral - what are the "rules" on this situation? Would appreciate any thoughts you might be willing to share on this.

Shirley Cress Dudley replies:
That’s a tough one. A blended family is still your family. I understand your husband’s guilt and also his concerns. If he can’t make the trip to the funeral, and has other plans that can’t be changed, then he can’t make it, and that’s O.K. It would be nice if he could tell his step-siblings that he is sorry and send flowers or other memorials. The step-siblings may not expect him to attend, but may be comforted if he does attend (maybe not.) It’s always hard to tell with step-siblings, and depends on the relationship he had with them.

So- my answer isn’t an easy one. It depends on the relationship he had with those that have died and those who are living. We should attend the funeral to honor the dead, but also support the living relatives. If we are close to these members of our blended family- then attend. If not, then send your condolences and don’t attend. There are times when we can’t attend a very close relative’s funeral (due to military service, illness, etc.)

It would be best if he could be honest with the step-siblings as soon as possible, explain that he can’t attend, but that his heart is with them (and send something to them- flowers, card, etc.)

I hope that helps. As his wife, it would be great if you could support your husband in whatever decision he makes.
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC

Blended Family Advice is going to print!

Blended Family Advice is going to the publisher. Many of you have asked for a book you could "hold in your hand" so we are taking the ebook to the printers! You'll have a Blended Family Advice book in your hand before the holidays.

If you are having trouble in your family right now, check out Blended Family Advice ebook, or coaching with Shirley Cress Dudley.

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How much time is O.K. to spend with my biological kids alone?

A reader asks:
We have been a blended family for a year, with some struggles, but pretty much O.K. My daughter is with us half time, my stepdaughter full time. My daughter is adjusting O.K., but wants to spend some alone time with me when she’s here. My wife feels that we have been married long enough that we need to bond as a family. She is discouraging separate time alone with our biological kids. Am I caving in to my child’s needs at the expense of creating a more cohesive family?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
This is a very common question; and one I hear at least 1-3 times a week. Usually the situation is similar to yours- mom’s kids live full time in the house, and dad’s kids visit, but don’t live there full time.

I think it’s great for blended families to have activities together. Doing things together really bonds the family and helps everyone feel more comfortable and a part of the family. But…

In reality, though, families don’t do things together all of the time. The kids that live in your home have some individualized time with their mom, and with you, just based on your various schedules. (Maybe mom wakes up early with the kids and gets them ready for school- that’s individual time with them. Maybe stepdad takes his stepson with him to the hardware store for supplies, that’s individual time. Or mom drives junior to his game, or helps sis with a project by going with her to purchase supplies- that’s individualized time.) We just don’t remember it, because it’s a part of our everyday lives.
I think it’s great to encourage your daughter to participate in family activities when she is visiting you, but I also believe a little personalized time with Dad is fine. You can take her on errands with you, or a quick occasional lunch out, or work together on a project- just the two of you.

Here’s some quick tips on spending time with our biological kids and step kids:
•Yes- it’s great for blended families to do things together. Make sure you have at least one little something special planned when kids are visiting. (Not a expensive, big deal – but a family movie night, or making sundaes together.)
•Yes- it’s best to include all family members for special events. Invite everyone, even the kids who aren’t supposed to be visiting that weekend. Note: give them enough notice to plan, or switch the event to a weekend convenient to all
•Yes- It’s O.K. for biological parents to spend some one-on-one time with their kids, as long as it’s not the entire day, or an ultra special event.
•No- it’s not O.K. for a visiting child to dominate a parent’s entire weekend.

The key is balance. If you spend the entire weekend with your daughter and ignore your wife and isolate yourself from the rest of the family- that’s too much. If you put your daughter into group situations the entire weekend (without even a walk around the neighborhood together) that’s too much also.

If you need more help-check out blended and step family expert, Shirley Cress Dudley. Coaching is offered for blended families.

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What if new step parent doesn't want to parent?

A reader asks: What happens when a parent marries someone who isn't suitable for their family and they don't encourage the family to get along? What could they do?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
Unfortunately, over 50% of second marriages end in divorce. If someone marries again because they look like a great mate, but aren't interested in being a step parent- the marriage is probably not going to be successful. The new partner is automatically a brand new step parent- whether they like it or not, and has the responsibility of helping to co-parent the kids (while the kids are in their home.) If the new partner has no interest in this- it's a definite problem.

Divorced moms and dads need to remember this when they re-enter the dating scene, looking for a partner. I also highly recommend premarital counseling for all couples- but especially for blended family couples. Then, they can discuss these issues ahead of time and figure out if they are truly a good match.

For more information, check out Blended Family Advice ebook- your instruction manual for blended families.
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended Family Coach

Stepson said inappropriate things to stepmom-what to do?

A reader asks:
I have an unusual situation...
I have known my step-son for over 7 years, he is now 27. He has many issues including his mother, stepdad, just being disfunctional in general. A complete loser. I have always tried to be like a Mom to him since he never really had one. He is getting married next month (September).
A month ago we (my daughter 20 and my son 23) invited him and his fiancee over to play some board games and have a couple of beers. He became progressively drunk as the evening went on. I didn't know he was stealing booze after going into the house to "go to the bathroom" After he decided to try to start a fist fight with my son because my son "is from the city" and he "is from the country", I told his fiancee to get him out of my backyard and take him home. If that wasn't bad enough, he fell on the ground and started crying and saying that I was "hot" and he wanted to "sleep with me" (not using that term, though). Needless to say, I am disgusted, fell disrespected and don't even want to be around him or the fiancee.
I have to decided to wait until after the wedding to MAYBE tell my husband what happened. Not even sure if I want to tell him, since it will cause a rift between all of us. I am running out of excuses not to have the stepson and fiancee over. Any advice? Thanks

Shirley Cress Dudley's response:
Yes- this is a tough one. Alcohol makes us say things we shouldn’t say, even things we don’t really mean, and do things we shouldn’t do.

Your husband is your partner in this and I believe you should tell him what happened. (If it’s too uncomfortable- then show him this email.)

I would begin with the preface that you know people act ways that are not normal when they are drunk. Then- tell him what happened. Ask your husband what he wants the two of you to do. You can’t break off relations with your stepson, since he is still part of the family- and yet, his drinking along with inappropriate words and poor behavior can not continue.

Figure out how to convince your stepson to get help. Possibly invite the fiancée over to your home to discuss your concerns. Beginning a marriage with someone dependant on alcohol is such a tragedy. The fact that you experienced his inappropriate behavior in front of his fiancée will allow you to talk with her openly.

Good luck. Continue to love your stepson as his stepmom- I commend you for wanting to do what’s best for your family. The next time you talk with your stepson- talk with him together, with your husband present, about your concerns.
Shirley