Friday, December 11, 2009

Are You A Disney Dad?

Are you a “Disney Dad?”
• Do you get nervous when it’s time for your child(ren) to visit?
• Do you want everything to be perfect and your child(ren) happy at all times?
• Do you try to make wonderful plans, over the top, AMAZING activities each time they come over?
• Do you ignore your spouse and other family members during the visit?
If you answered yes to at least two of these questions…then you’re a Disney Dad!

Is this a bad thing? Well – yes and no. It’s great that you love your kids- no problem with that. It’s wonderful that you want to make your kids happy- that’s O.K. too. But is it realistic that you’ll keep them happy ALL the time? Nope.

Unrealistic Hopes

You are worrying yourself into an impossible situation. You can’t please your child(ren) all the time. If you really want to do this, I recommend divorcing your current spouse, giving up your job, your blended family, friends, hobbies, and possibly sleep too- but I need to warn you- it won’t be enough. Kids sense this struggle, and they will whine and whine, scream for MORE- attempting to get you to “raise the bar” every weekend. Will it ever satisfy them? Of course not- but your kids don’t know this.

What Do Children Really Need?

Children need love, belonging and recognition. They want to know that you love them and they are an important part of your life. How do you show them? By including them in your life.

Take them on your errands. Eat meals with your blended family, and involve them in family activities. It’s O.K. to have some one-on-one time over the weekend, but that shouldn’t be your main focus. Your child(ren) needs to see that they are a part of your family and part of your life. Those of you who have remarried and have step kids living with you- it’s important to show your biological children that they “fit” in this family, and you want them to be a part of it.

Who’s in Charge?
Right now- it’s your child(ren.) They really want structure and leadership from you. It’s time to be their parent and not their friend. They have friends, but they need to see some stability, structure and leadership from you.

It’s not time to eliminate discipline or instruction from you. Your child wants to please you and have you proud of him/her. By discussing your expectations with them, you are guiding them to be more responsible and continue becoming the best person they can be.

How Much Effect Can I Have, 26 Weekends a Year and a Couple of Holidays?

You’d be surprised how much effect a non-custodial father can have on his child(ren.) The role of a father in a child’s life is crucial. Your visits with them are great, but you can also maintain your relationship with phone calls, texts and even communicating with them on Facebook. Children need their father- a male role model in their lives. Don’t minimize the effect you can have on your child(ren.) When your child(ren) visits, show them a normal family, and a normal marriage- not a time where one person overshadows everyone else’s needs- that’s not normal or healthy.

Conclusion
As you are reading this article, some of you are saying, “Well, a couple of those points sound familiar, but I’m not as bad as all that.” Just a hint- if a couple of these paragraphs apply, then you’re a Disney dad. As my husband says, “Walks like a duck, sounds like a duck…..it’s a duck” In other words- don’t deny it, it’s time for change.

For more information, get your own copy of Blended Family Advice it’s a great instruction manual for how to be a remarried dad in a blended family.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She is the founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center. Shirley has a passion for helping blended and step families grow strong and be successful. Sign up for our Free newsletter and receive a Free Report- Top Ten Worst Mistakes You Can Make in Your Blended Family,
http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com

(You are welcome to reprint this article, as long as it is reprinted, unedited, in it’s entirety, along with the bio at the end. Thank you.)

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Blended Family Advice: Getting Reading Emotionally for the Holidays in a Blended Family

Blended Family Advice: Getting Reading Emotionally for the Holidays in a Blended Family

Getting Reading Emotionally for the Holidays in a Blended Family

The holidays can be a time of great stress and also depression for both adults and children. Memories of the past, both positive and negative, can bring sadness into your newly blended family.

Talk about the pain

Children sometimes have trouble expressing their emotions. Little ones may “act out” instead of being able to express their feelings. For younger children, it’s helpful for parents to talk to them and explain that- “I know things are different this year, and everything’s a bit unfamiliar. Your Mom and I still love you very much. The holidays will be different, and we aren’t married anymore, but you are still loved.”

Older kids and teenagers may be able to discuss their feelings. They may ask if Mom and Dad can celebrate the holidays together. If either of their parents has not remarried, this is very confusing for the kids, and gives the impression that Mom and Dad could reunite one day. Don’t celebrate together unless both parents have remarried and you are able to have a happy, civil holiday together.

Be prepared for your ex-spouse to have extra holiday emotions
Your ex-spouse may also be sensitive around the holidays. Small events, such as changing the visitation schedule by a couple of hours may set your ex-spouse into a tizzy. Take a deep breath, and don’t get defensive. Remember that everyone has heightened emotions around the holidays. Try to communicate by text or email, instead of picking up the phone to hear an ex-spouse yelling on the line.

Don’t stress about the details

Everything will not work out perfectly. The kids may transition to your home late, the turkey may not cook completely, or your ex-spouse may even sabotage your holiday meal by stuffing the kids with sweets right before dropping them off to your house. It’s O.K.- really! Just try to relax, life isn’t normally perfect, so don’t expect your holidays to be completely perfect either.

It just gets easier
As the years pass, it will become easier and easier for your blended family to celebrate the holidays together. Children will learn what’s expected of them, memorize the rotation (Am I at Mom or Dad’s house the week before Christmas?) and become accustomed to celebrating with their stepsiblings and stepparents.

Get your copy of The Blended Family Survival Kit to help your family become strong and successful.
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended and Step Family Expert