Daughter doesn't have her own room or permanent bed

A mom is worried about her 5 year old daughter. When she visits her dad, she is sleeping in a temporary, flip out, Wal-mart bed. She doesn't have her own bedroom, and the fiance is pregnant.  Her ex-spouse says he is on a waiting list for a 3 bedroom apartment, but that it will be at least 3 more months. I never talk bad about my ex in front of my daughter but I don't think this is right. What can I do?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:


It's a difficult situation, and I know you want to do what's best for your daughter. The way you handle this- will make a huge difference to how your daughter perceives her visit to her dad.

Kids need both their mom and dad- and I see that you wrote that you don't talk bad about her dad or step mom in front of her- which is wonderful, and you should be praised for this- I know it's hard at times.

But- when your daughter talks about the situation, your reaction is making it harder on her. You have spoken to your ex-spouse, and he is doing everything he can to get a 3 bedroom apartment. He has also provided a bed (one you don't approve of as an ideal bed) but he has purchased her a bed.  From my perspective- the situation is fine, and he is providing a safe and welcoming environment for her.

If you talk to your daughter differently, it will make a dramatic difference.  The Wal-mart bed was specially bought for her- so that means she is special and they made an effort to make her feel at home.  (It might make a great sleep over bed for friends when the 3 bedroom apartment is available.)

Talk about how it is difficult to live/visit a smaller place, but sometimes that makes people closer. Tell your daughter stories of early in your marriage and what kind of house you lived in- or possibly stories of your childhood when you shared a bedroom, or slept in a temporary bed or sleeping bag when visiting relatives.

How you talk to your daughter can greatly improve the situation. You ex is doing what he can, and I believe you should support him on this.

I know it's not ideal, but he is providing a bed for her, and he is actively looking for a larger apartment.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC FACMPE
Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
Author of the book, Blended Family Advice

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Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC FACMPE
Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

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A mom wonders about why her 5 year old son won't visit his dad or have sleep overs. She says there is a history of abuse (emotional and physical) but that her ex-husband has never hurt her son.


Shirley Cress Dudley, the blended family expert replies:
I'm sorry your son doesn't want to visit his dad. It's important for him to have time with both his mom and dad. But, you also mention that there is a history of abusive behavior from your ex-husband.


Even though you said your ex has never hurt your son, he does have that capability, and you have experienced both emotional and physical abuse from him.


I'm sorry you are having a difficult time.  It's good you realize that your son needs to spend time with his father- children need a relationship with both their mom and dad.


But, if your son is refusing to spend the night at his dad's place- and there is a history of abusive behavior- it's time for some investigation. I know you said your ex-husband has never hurt his son, but your son is still afraid of being at his house, alone at night.

Find a local child therapist. I recommend an LMFT or someone that has "play therapy" in their qualifications. Let a therapist talk with your son and figure out what's going on.

If your son has nothing to fear, the therapist will help him with this. If there are some real concerns, then these will also need to be dealt with. It's possible your son only needs supervised visits with his dad, and these may not include over night visits (unless another adult is present.)

You are right that your son needs time with his dad, but find out what your son's concerns are about, before having him spend the night.

I wish you the very best.


Shirley


Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC FACMPE
Executive director of The Blended and Step Family Resource CenterBest selling author of the book, Blended Family Advice