Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Problems with StepKids

A blended mom asks:
My fiance and I have 2 children together ages 3 and 5. He also has 3 older children from previous relationships ages 7, 8 and 12. Since my first child was born, he has accused me and HIS family of treating his children by me better than his other children. Of course his family and I feel that that is not true.

His other children, my stepkids, live in another state. The problem is that his children do spend summers here. I love his children, but the 7-year-old has never respected me, nor do I trust her around my children unsupervised. For example, this summer, I saw her trying to convince my 3-year-old to eat something that could have hurt him. My 3-year-old had enough sense to tell her that he didn't want it because he thought it was medicine. She was telling him that it was candy. Even her older sister told them that it was medicine and that he shouldn't eat it, but the 7-year-old was insisting that it was candy. Of course, I chimed in and told them to throw it away whatever it was. (This happened while we were visiting the 7 and 8 year-old's home). I have not yet mentioned this to my fiance.. This is not the first incident that we have had concerning her, and it always causes us to argue.

Furthermore, when he fights with the other biological moms, he threatens to fight for full custody of the other kids. I feel like I have enough on my shoulders raising my two children let alone 2 or 3 other step-children that have perfectly capable mothers. Do you think this blended family can work, or should we hold off on getting married?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
I read through your question several times and I’m not sure where to start. I’ll try to answer your questions even though I don’t think I have the whole picture. (Not your fault – it’s just difficult through email.)

O.K.- here’s what I think-

I believe if you have two kids together, you ought to try to make it work, and ought to get married. I do believe that the commitment of marriage improves the relationship and also the relationships with the ex-spouses.

Talk with your husband about family rules. When kids are in your home (biological or step) they should abide by your family rules. You and your husband should spend some dedicated time together and develop these rules. Present your house rules to the kids along with consequences of them disobeying. Each child should follow the same rules. Check out Blended Family Advice book for more information.

As far as your husband’s perception of your/his kids being treated better than the kids from previous marriages, it may be because these kids live with you. It is easy to love, spend time with, and do things for the kids that are living with us. He can’t take it personally, if the other kids only visit and are not there full time. Tell him that the two of you can treat all the kids equally and also remind the relatives to do so (and that you prefer it) if you see your biological kids getting any preferences or extra attention. (Now- attention due to proximity is different. If the relatives are spending more time with your biological kids because they are living near them, just remember to bring the stepkids around these relatives when they are visiting.) It is tough, but treat them as equally as possible and remind your relatives that you want them to do the same.

Remember that your relationship (and future marriage) should take priority. If you focus on your relationship, the rest of the family will do better. Talk with your husband about your concerns about the 7 year old. Start off with, “I love ____, but there’s something I need to tell you about her that makes me uncomfortable. I need for us, as a couple, to figure out what to do.” He is on your side, your team- so, talk with him about your concerns. I know it sounds difficult to raise all of the kids (it’s unlikely that he will win full custody) but if it happens, it may actually be easier to parent your stepkids if they are in the house full time. Talk the positives/negatives over with your husband about this also.

I hope that helped, and addressed most of the issues you mentioned in your email. If your issues continue, you may want to consider coaching. www.blendedfamilyadvice.com/coachingwithshirleydudley

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Step son and son issues

A Reader recently asked: My son and step son recently had a falling out. The boys are both 17. My step son was caught drinking and partying at his mom's house. (did not involve my son at all). When questioned by his mom he "offered" up that my son and he had drank and smoked pot together before. My stepson's mom told us and we had to discipline my son. My son is furious and feels the his brother ratted him out for no good reason. When my boys were 14 my stepson stole my son's wallet and lied about it, so there is a bit of a history of lack of trust. My son forgave him for that but this seemed to have sent him over the top. They will not talk to each other and the whole household is upset and stressed. What should we do as parents in this situation? My step kids some every other week.

Shirley Cress Dudley's response:
I see several issues:
*The boys have a trust issue and also and issue “bonding” as family members
*Discipline issues (including- both boys are smoking pot and drinking)

To work on the trust issues and blending your family, it would be helpful to schedule family activities (at least one) every weekend your stepson is present. I know it’s tough to get teenagers to stay at home and participate, but it is essential to bringing your family closer together. An idea might be to require the boys to be home for a family meal before going out for the evening. It’s helpful to tell both boys that you love them and would like for them to try to get along.

Also, you have some discipline issues- it is important for you and your spouse to decide on house rules and expectations. These guidelines should be for all the kids, visiting or living in the house full time. Once you and your spouse agree on those guidelines, present them to the boys, and inform them that there are consequences for disobeying/not respecting the guidelines. I recommend letting the biological parent enforce the consequences.

While I understand your son’s feelings that his stepbrother “ratted on him,” it is unacceptable for either boy, in your blended family, to engage in underage drinking or pot smoking.-that should be the primary concern. Even if the rules are different at his biological mom’s house, it is important for you to do what’s best for the boys, when they are in your home. You will find an unusual benefit to these new rules- your boys will bond with each other against the adults! That’s fine, but stand firm in your expectations for them. Soon, these boys will be on their own, and suffer more serious consequences from disobeying the law.

It’s tough to answer all of the issues in a brief email. Let me know if this information is helpful and gives you more ideas on actions to take.

Shirley Cress Dudley
Blended and Step Family expert

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Attending a stepmother's funeral

A mom asks: I am seeking advice on the "rules" for blended families with regard to funerals and memorial services. This family event reminds me I have so much to learn about blended families beyond my immediate family situation and I find your blog very interesting and helpful to that end.

Would you be willing to share your opinion on the following situation? My significant other is part of a blended family. His parents divorced when he was a young adult and both parents remarried. He lives 10 hours from his (deceased) father and stepmother. He had a cordial relationship with his stepmother and her children, but never a close, bonded relationship - interactions only occurred around large, family get-togethers organized by his father.

His stepmother passed away last week and he is unable to attend the funeral due to a trip he has had planned for a very long time. He is being exceptionally hard on himself for not being able to go. He has even put off telling his stepmother's children because he feels so bad (even though they have implied in conversation that they don't expect him to be there). What has your experience been with others in similar situations? Is this a major a no-no to miss a stepparent's funeral - what are the "rules" on this situation? Would appreciate any thoughts you might be willing to share on this.

Shirley Cress Dudley replies:
That’s a tough one. A blended family is still your family. I understand your husband’s guilt and also his concerns. If he can’t make the trip to the funeral, and has other plans that can’t be changed, then he can’t make it, and that’s O.K. It would be nice if he could tell his step-siblings that he is sorry and send flowers or other memorials. The step-siblings may not expect him to attend, but may be comforted if he does attend (maybe not.) It’s always hard to tell with step-siblings, and depends on the relationship he had with them.

So- my answer isn’t an easy one. It depends on the relationship he had with those that have died and those who are living. We should attend the funeral to honor the dead, but also support the living relatives. If we are close to these members of our blended family- then attend. If not, then send your condolences and don’t attend. There are times when we can’t attend a very close relative’s funeral (due to military service, illness, etc.)

It would be best if he could be honest with the step-siblings as soon as possible, explain that he can’t attend, but that his heart is with them (and send something to them- flowers, card, etc.)

I hope that helps. As his wife, it would be great if you could support your husband in whatever decision he makes.
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC