Step Mom having trouble discipling stepson

A step mom asks:

I am an almost step mom to an eleven year old boy. His mom is not in the picture for the most part and he is very angry with her. His dad wasn't allowed to decide how the boy would be raised and what he would and would not be allowed to do and say.When the mom checked out of his life, his dad and I have become full time parents to him. Now that this little boy is older he has such a bad mouth and argues constantly. Watches things I wouldn't suggest to an adult and throws fits when he is told that he has to do things our way. I want him to grow up to be a good person who knows right from wrong and can be around other people. Time outs don't work, and lectures don't work. He is home schooled because he cannot function in a regular classroom setting. We constantly got calls from the school that he was in trouble and made it difficult for the other kids to work. We need some serious help. What do you suggest?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds: 

You’re already doing an outstanding job- taking responsibility for your soon-to-be stepson, helping him with school, and basic everyday expectations.

You mentioned that timeouts don’t work. That’s one option- discipline for poor behavior. Possibly you haven’t had a long enough time out, or a quick enough reaction to his poor behavior. If the timeout is consistent, immediate, and equal to the “crime” – it is more effective. (for an eleven-year-old, a 30-60 minute time out is appropriate, a time for him to go to his room and read, or clean up an area for 30 minutes.)

Another technique is praise. When you “catch him” doing something good- praise him immediately.  You can also offer rewards at the end of the week, or the end of the day, if certain behavior is maintained. An example may be- a day without temper tantrums means you get to watch a 30 minute television program this evening.  A week of great school work results in going to the movies, or renting a movie. If you are really organized, and would like to do this- you can create a chart, with stars for good behavior, and give rewards related to how many stars he earns each day.

Make sure your spouse supports you and is in agreement with you in your efforts.  A “united front” of parents will be more effective, than if the two of you disagree on his behavior and discipline.  If you do disagree- talk with your mate in private and get the issues resolved before presenting them to your stepson.

As far as the television or videos he is watching, you and your mate are the parents now, and you can control his viewing. Remove any inappropriate videos from his collection, and prevent him from watching anything you feel is important.

It will be difficult, and he will fight you on these boundaries, discipline and limits in his life.. but- a child perceives boundaries and limits as love. Although you will see him protest, he knows, deep inside, that you are doing this because you love him.  Remind him daily that you love him and want what’s best for him.

Good luck.  You can make a real difference in this child’s life. Good for you for having the drive, interest and love for him.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Future stepmom is unsure about her blended family

A future stepmom asks:

I am becoming a step parent. We are coming off a nine day stay with my fiancé's son and I am very burnt out. The child has some tough days and I felt my patience just wasn't there. I also am overwhelmed because we were spending an hour or more a day just talking about the child and accessing his needs. I feel like I can't hear anymore or be with child for a long time. This feeling makes me feel really guilty. The child and I get along and he really likes me, but sometimes I wonder if I like him.

Shirley Cress Dudley, blended and step family coach responds:
I’ll try to answer your question as best as I can without all the information. It’s important to have balance. All of your time (whether your stepson is visiting or not) should have balance. Their should be some couple time (just you and your husband) some parent/child time (for dad/son,) some family time (everyone in your blended family) and also time for you- alone, to rejuvenate and restore your well being. It’s possible that the trip (as some vacations can be) was a bit unbalanced, and wore you down.


Also- it’s best for you and your future husband to develop your own set of house rules. When your stepson visits, he should be told what the expectations of your home are and the consequences of not following these expectations. When noncustodial kids visit, it shouldn’t be a “Disneyland” atmosphere- where they get anything they want. It should still be regular family, with rules and boundaries. I recommend the biological parent taking the lead in any discipline regarding disobeying the house rules.

You may never feel the same love for your stepson as a biological child. (Some people do, but some- after many years, still don’t feel the same love for their step kids.) That’s O.K. – really it is. You just need to love your future husband, and love your stepson through him. That way, when you are co-parenting him, you are doing what you believe is best for the one that you love, your husband.

Blended families are tough, but it is possible to have a happy, adjusted home with step kids and a blended family. You may want to read some of the blended and step family articles on the website for more information

And also consider purchasing a copy of Blended Family Advice. (It’s like an instruction manual for new step parents.) Here’s the link for more information on the book.


I hope this information helps.
Kindest Regards,
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended and Step Family Coach
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Problems with biological mom and inconsistent house rules

A stepmom asked recently:
I was just recently married, but been with the same man for 6 years now. We both have sons and I have known his son his whole life. His real mother has been in and out of his life, and she comes around when it is convenient for her. Every time she does show up, I have to let him see her, although I think that its just going to make more problems for him in the long run. My biggest problem is that he has structure here and rules. Every time he visits with his mother its completely different, she doesn't make him listen- she lets him walk all over her and she gives him everything he wants- no rules, no structure. He comes home thinking that it should be that way here as well, sometimes goes as far to say that he loves her more and wants to be with her. It really disrupts our blended family.

We won custody of him a long time ago due to her bad decisions to take him in bars and leave him downstairs to watch movies while she goes upstairs with men. I just don't know what to do, I have no patience for her and her stupid decisions anymore, and it's causing problems for him and my husband and me as well. I find myself being so angry and frustrated at my stepson, and his mom and everyone all the time now. what can I do??

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
I know it's frustrating for you, but you're truly doing the right things. Providing guidelines and boundaries for your stepson show that you love him.

Since you and your husband won custody of your stepson, I would recommend setting up some visitation guidelines, or a formal visitation agreement with his biological mom. That way- she can't just come and go as she pleases.

I know your stepson is testing you when he returns from her visits, pushing the boundaries and seeing if you'll let him get away with anything. That's O.K.- maintain your houserules, and remind him that when he returns from a visit with his mom, your houserules have not changed, and your expectations of him have not changed. He will protest, but kids really do appreciate boundaries and know that you love them when you give them rules and guidelines.

Keep up the good work as a stepmom, and just be consistent, and try not to worry!
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended and Step Coach
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
Blended and Step Family Coach
http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com

Step son and son issues

A Reader recently asked: My son and step son recently had a falling out. The boys are both 17. My step son was caught drinking and partying at his mom's house. (did not involve my son at all). When questioned by his mom he "offered" up that my son and he had drank and smoked pot together before. My stepson's mom told us and we had to discipline my son. My son is furious and feels the his brother ratted him out for no good reason. When my boys were 14 my stepson stole my son's wallet and lied about it, so there is a bit of a history of lack of trust. My son forgave him for that but this seemed to have sent him over the top. They will not talk to each other and the whole household is upset and stressed. What should we do as parents in this situation? My step kids some every other week.

Shirley Cress Dudley's response:
I see several issues:
*The boys have a trust issue and also and issue “bonding” as family members
*Discipline issues (including- both boys are smoking pot and drinking)

To work on the trust issues and blending your family, it would be helpful to schedule family activities (at least one) every weekend your stepson is present. I know it’s tough to get teenagers to stay at home and participate, but it is essential to bringing your family closer together. An idea might be to require the boys to be home for a family meal before going out for the evening. It’s helpful to tell both boys that you love them and would like for them to try to get along.

Also, you have some discipline issues- it is important for you and your spouse to decide on house rules and expectations. These guidelines should be for all the kids, visiting or living in the house full time. Once you and your spouse agree on those guidelines, present them to the boys, and inform them that there are consequences for disobeying/not respecting the guidelines. I recommend letting the biological parent enforce the consequences.

While I understand your son’s feelings that his stepbrother “ratted on him,” it is unacceptable for either boy, in your blended family, to engage in underage drinking or pot smoking.-that should be the primary concern. Even if the rules are different at his biological mom’s house, it is important for you to do what’s best for the boys, when they are in your home. You will find an unusual benefit to these new rules- your boys will bond with each other against the adults! That’s fine, but stand firm in your expectations for them. Soon, these boys will be on their own, and suffer more serious consequences from disobeying the law.

It’s tough to answer all of the issues in a brief email. Let me know if this information is helpful and gives you more ideas on actions to take.

Shirley Cress Dudley
Blended and Step Family expert

Stepson said inappropriate things to stepmom-what to do?

A reader asks:
I have an unusual situation...
I have known my step-son for over 7 years, he is now 27. He has many issues including his mother, stepdad, just being disfunctional in general. A complete loser. I have always tried to be like a Mom to him since he never really had one. He is getting married next month (September).
A month ago we (my daughter 20 and my son 23) invited him and his fiancee over to play some board games and have a couple of beers. He became progressively drunk as the evening went on. I didn't know he was stealing booze after going into the house to "go to the bathroom" After he decided to try to start a fist fight with my son because my son "is from the city" and he "is from the country", I told his fiancee to get him out of my backyard and take him home. If that wasn't bad enough, he fell on the ground and started crying and saying that I was "hot" and he wanted to "sleep with me" (not using that term, though). Needless to say, I am disgusted, fell disrespected and don't even want to be around him or the fiancee.
I have to decided to wait until after the wedding to MAYBE tell my husband what happened. Not even sure if I want to tell him, since it will cause a rift between all of us. I am running out of excuses not to have the stepson and fiancee over. Any advice? Thanks

Shirley Cress Dudley's response:
Yes- this is a tough one. Alcohol makes us say things we shouldn’t say, even things we don’t really mean, and do things we shouldn’t do.

Your husband is your partner in this and I believe you should tell him what happened. (If it’s too uncomfortable- then show him this email.)

I would begin with the preface that you know people act ways that are not normal when they are drunk. Then- tell him what happened. Ask your husband what he wants the two of you to do. You can’t break off relations with your stepson, since he is still part of the family- and yet, his drinking along with inappropriate words and poor behavior can not continue.

Figure out how to convince your stepson to get help. Possibly invite the fiancée over to your home to discuss your concerns. Beginning a marriage with someone dependant on alcohol is such a tragedy. The fact that you experienced his inappropriate behavior in front of his fiancée will allow you to talk with her openly.

Good luck. Continue to love your stepson as his stepmom- I commend you for wanting to do what’s best for your family. The next time you talk with your stepson- talk with him together, with your husband present, about your concerns.
Shirley