One of my kids just won't accept our new blended family

A blended family mom recently asked what can be done about her daughter who isn't accepting her new stepdad and the blended family. It's been several years, and all the other kids are adapting.


Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

You may not like this answer- but here is what I believe needs to happen:

Your daughter needs discipline.  She doesn’t have to like your husband or her step siblings, but she is required to be polite, friendly and respectful. If she is not, then she should experience consequences (by you- as the biological parent.)

Life changes, things happen to us that we can’t control, and we don’t like, but we have to adapt- that’s just life.  It’s time for her to learn how to adapt. As a parent, it’s your job to teach her.  By requiring her to adapt to her new blended family, you will be helping equip her for life. Don’t label her as non-adaptable- it’s basically just poor behavior and it needs to stop. She’s running the show by trying to getting things the way she wants them to be, 100% of the time- and that’s not life (not in a family, a marriage, a job, or anything.)

I recommend the book Blended Family Advice or also seeking blended family coaching, so that you have the support you need while making these changes in your parenting and in your family.

Good luck.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC FACMPE

Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Holidays Tensions Rising in The Blended Family or Step Family?

Is your blended family having trouble figuring out the Thanksgiving break?  Are you and your ex-spouse already arguing about the holidays?


The holidays are the toughest time of year for step families and blended families. Here are some tips that may help:
-stay rested and get enough sleep, don't over commit
-exercise and eat right
-start negotiating the holidays as early as possible with your ex-spouse
-maintain a positive attitude when talking with your ex-spouse.
-make sure you talk to your current spouse/mate before finalizing any holiday arrangements with your ex-spouse


If you need more help- check out The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, talk to a counselor, join a local support group.


Talk again soon,
Shirley 


Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC
Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Blended Family- New School Year- Time for Change in Your Step Family

StepFamily- Time for Change

It's a new school year, and a great time to make some changes in your blended family.

Some of you have already sent your kids back to school, and a few of you are a couple of days away from the first day of the fall semester. It’s a great time of year to get back to a normal schedule, start fresh, and make any necessary changes in your step family or blended family:

• Are you ready to establish or change some family rules in your stepfamily?

• Do your kids and step kids need some help respecting the adults in the home?

• Is your marriage a priority in your blended family?

• Have you figured out how to balance your time with your spouse, kids and step kids?

• Do you and your spouse need to re-negotiate your co-parenting techniques?

• Is it time to create more boundaries with your ex-spouse?

The beginning of a new school year is a great time to make these changes. Help your stepfamily become more successful by using the start of a school year to change a few things around the house. Make sure you and your spouse discuss these changes, and agree, before talking to the kids. Below is a free podcast that will give you and your spouse ideas on how you can make some positive changes in your stepfamily.

Free Podcast

I'm offering in August a podcast on Making changes in your step family. This podcast will be free until Monday, August 29th 9am Eastern. After that time, I’ll put it for sale with the other resource materials. Here’s the link to download your free podcast: http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com/podcast

Free Stuff and Great Step Family Events:

Are you missing out on free stuff and special events at The Resource Center?

• On Facebook, do you “like or friend” Shirley Cress Dudley and The Blended and Step Family Resource Center?

• Do you follow @MarriageNFamily on Twitter?

The reason I ask is that sometimes I offer special events through Facebook and Twitter. If you are following me on these sites, you will hear about the events as soon as they begin.

Last month, we did a one day drawing. Stepfamilies submitted photos of their beautiful stepfamilies and also their summer time tips. Three names were drawn and these three families won a free copy of the book Blended Family Advice.

Congratulations to:

• The Hetchler blended family from Ohio
• Colleen Riggle’s blended family from Georgia
• Lisa Teal-Web’s blended family (aka Buckeye Bonus Mom) from Ohio

You can see their photos, great summer tips, and a video created from these photos at this Step Family Summer Photos and Tips link.

Talk with you again soon.

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, Charlotte North Carolina

Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Follow us on Twitter at MarriageNFamily (over 34,000 followers!)

Quick Links

• Articles and Newsletters for Blended and Step Families: http://www.theblendedandstepfamilyresourcecenter.com/articlesandnewsletters

• Reader Contributions: http://www.blendedfamilyadvice.com/readercontributions

• Step Family Coaching: http://www.TheBlendedAndStepfamilyResourceCenter.com/coaching

Blended Families Matter- Happy July 4th

Happy July 4th, our USA Independence Day, from our family to yours.

Shirley Cress Dudley, director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Son uses Step Dad's Last Name in School

A dad recently asked:

My son is using his stepdad's last name in school.  My ex-wife is a teacher there, and she said that it is not illegal to have an "alias" last name at school, and she wants her (my) son to use her new husband's last name. I want him to use his rightful last name- what can I do?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

This is a tough one. It's disheartening to hear that your child is using the new husband's last name, when you are still the biological father (and I'm assuming scheduling visits and paying child support.)  I understand your frustration.

I can see, though, why your ex-wife would want to use her new husband's last name with your son.  It makes is easier for the other faculty members to know that she is the mother of your son, and other students will be aware too. It's wonderful that she is proud of him and wants to be associated, at school, with her son.

But- I agree with you- unless they have changed his name legally, your son should be called by his correct last name. Call the school principal or vice principal and state your concern. Inform them of your son's correct legal last name and ask for him to be enrolled and addressed by that name. Also, while you are talking with them, make sure they have your correct contact information.

Ask for a school calendar so you can keep up with special events, "visit the school" day, and parent/teacher meeting days.

Blended families are tough, but you are still his father and have a right to be active in his life, and for him to carry your name. Don't be discouraged, be proactive and contact the school in your friendliest and cooperative voice- and I'm sure you will be able to get things changed.

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
http://www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has opened a Charlotte, North Carolina office

 
The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has opened an office in Charlotte, North Carolina

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is excited to announce the opening of a new office in Charlotte, North Carolina.  The office will be located at 6135 Park South Drive, Suite 510, Charlotte NC 28210.

Shirley Cress Dudley, director of The Resource Center will be offering face-to-face blended and step family coaching at this location.  Children and teenager groups will also be offered in the next six months.
Ms. Dudley is a licensed professional counselor, with a master’s degree in marriage and family counseling, and a master’s degree in education, the internationally known author of Blended Family Advice, and has years of experience as a  step mom.

“Due to multiple requests, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center will have a bricks and mortar location in the south Charlotte area. We will be able to coach blended and step families and also offer support groups for parents and kids.  Telephone coaching and the online resources will be available to those outside of the Charlotte area,” states director Shirley Cress Dudley.

About The Blended and Step Family Resource Center:
The Blended and Step Family Resource Center offers a free monthly newsletter, along with podcasts, webinars, articles and a reader’s forum.

Statistics:
Approximately 2,100 new blended families form every day in America. More than 20+ million Blended Family households exist today and that number grows daily.  The blended family is now the most common form of family unit in our nation.  130+ million Americans are either in or have been in a blended family of some form (through re-marriage, adoption, foster home, etc.)  60% of second marriages end in divorce. (Statistics taken from the American Blended Family Association and population and census records.)


Contact Information:
Shirley Cress Dudley, director
Telephone:  704-541-1225
Address: 6135 Park South Drive, Suite 510
Charlotte, NC 28210 
Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Moved in together and having trouble in our blended family

A blended family mom asks:

My boyfriend and I moved in together about 6 months ago and we are having problems related to my kids. He doesn't feel like he can talk to me about the kids, and is having trouble figuring out what his role is with them.

We've been together for several years, and want to figure this out. Any help you can provide would be appreciated.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
It’s tough when a couple move in together and they aren’t married. The kids are confused, family and friends are also sometimes confused because the stepparent status is not official. But- in reality- your boyfriend is the stepdad in the family now. It’s important to talk to your kids and tell them that you have created a new family, and your boyfriend is a co-parent in this family.

Establish some house rules and guidelines for your new family- like respecting all adults in the home, and expectations for the kids (keeping their areas clean, being polite and friendly to all family members, etc.) Also use this opportunity to create some new, fun family traditions.  What you are doing, is teaching your kids that this is a family, and how they should act in this new family. As you and your boyfriend develop these house rules and new traditions together, it will also help him see that he has an important part in this family as a co-parent.

I encourage the biological parent to enforce the rules, and let the step parent focus on developing relationships with the kids. That doesn’t mean that your boyfriend can’t correct the kids- he should say something if they disobey one of your family rules (the ones developed by you and your boyfriend.)  But- you should enforce the consequences.

There are several articles on the site (and a section in the book) that will help with this. So- the main tip I can give you is that you are a new family, with two adults co-parenting your children now. It’s time to develop the expectations for this family, and help your children grow accustomed to the new situation. 

You can look through the website Http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com and read the many articles about blended families- this will help your situation.   Purchasing the book, Blended Family Advice, is also an inexpensive way to get help.

I wish you lots of luck. Blended families are tough, but you’ve been together several years, so it’s really worth the effort.

Kindest Regards,
Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, LPC
Sdudley4@carolina.rr.com
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Daughter doesn't want a step mom

A soon-to-be step mom asks:
I just need little advice. I am engaged to my fiancé, and he has a 7year old. He believes I resent his daughter because she is from a different woman. I truly don't resent his daughter, but I will admit some of my actions do seem as if I resent her. I do try and keep my space when his daughter is around only because she can be rude and pretty demanding at times towards me. We have a good relationship, but there are times I just do not want to be around her.

I love and care for her very much, I just want to prepare myself to be a good step mom. Can you provide some guidance on how to help her understand that it is not okay for her to talk to me in a disrespectful way? Also, how should my fiancé respond to his daughter when she comments that, "he should not have a girlfriend," and why isn't he with his mommy?" Please provide some guidance for us.

Shirley Cress Dudley, Blended and Step Family Expert responds:
Yes- blended families are difficult. Here are some tips for you to make it easier.

His daughter may still be grieving the separation of mommy and daddy. It’s important for your fiancé to convey to his daughter that he loves her, and even though he’s not with her mommy, he will always be her daddy, and will always love her. He can encourage her to talk about this. As long as she is respectful, it’s fine for her to share her angry, confused thoughts.

It’s also important for her daddy to start talking to her about how he wants to be with you and get married. He should discuss this with excitement and tell he how happy you make him. Involve her in the wedding planning- like picking out her dress, or talking about her carrying flowers at the wedding.

He should discuss how marrying you creates a new family and this family will have house rules. Some of these rules are- obeying and respecting adults, and not being rude to adults. Make sure there are consequences to poor behavior, and the consequences should be enforced by her dad. You should concentrate on building the relationship at this time and let him be the bad guy. He should tell his daughter that you don’t replace her mom, but will be her stepmommy- another adult to love her and take care of her.

It’s fine for you to not want to spend all your time with her. You need balance: time alone, time with your fiancé and time with your soon-to-be blended family. He needs the same- time alone, time with you, daughter/daddy time, and blended family time. Balance is the key.

Poor behavior should not be tolerated. Times of change (such as parent’s separating, and remarriage) have children bouncing around- not understanding what’s going on. They need boundaries and guidelines. These boundaries (or rules) give them security and a sense of stability. It’s not time to let her get away with rudeness in actions or words.

I hope this helps. If all this isn’t enough, I recommend checking out my book, Blended Family Advice, and also considering some coaching. My website also has lots of information- articles, newsletters, stories and poems from other blended families. I’m also running a special- just for engaged couples or blended families that have been together less than 2 years.

I think you’ll find a lot of help there. Here’s the link:

http://www.blendedfamilyadvice.com

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

The Newlywed Online Conference

The Newlywed Conference is here!
If you've been married two years or less, or are engaged to be married, we have the perfect conference for you.

If you're looking for the perfect gift to give the wedding couple or someone's 1st or 2nd anniversary- this is perfect for them!

You can hear all 10 webinars for only $39.99 per couple.

Register now to participate in The Online Conference for Newlyweds.

Register now for The Newlywed Online Conference

* Learn how to develop great communication skills
* Keep the romance going and deepen your intimacy with your new spouse
* Figure out how to relate, successfully, to the in-laws, your parents and yes- even your new spouse


The Newlywed conference runs until Sunday, May 2nd. You will have access to all ten presentations until 6pm on May 2nd.

Check out these ten great webinars for engaged couples and newlyweds.

*What if we argue? How to develop great communication skills with Dr. Matt Crain

*How can I love you more: Keep the romance going with Shawn White, LPC and Napoleon Harrington, LPC NCC

*In-laws or outlaws? Big ideas to keep a little peace in your family with Andrea Patten, LADC. Andrea is from a blended family and is currently in a blended family. She gives great tips to those trying to figure out your in-laws in your blended or step family.

*Secrets to a successful marriage with Dr. Karen Sherman

*When 'happily every after' comes with children from day one with Les and Sweetie Berry, MEd. Les and Sweetie combined their two families when they married. They're webinar focuses on the blended or step family.

*How to find "me" time and "we" time in your relationship with Lesli Doares, LMFT

*Everyday marriage maintenance with Kevin Decker

*How to handle finances in your new marriage and set financial goals with Suzanne Cramer. Suzanne just remarried and is now the stepmom to two little boys. Listen to her insightful webinar on financial tips.

*Don't sweat the small stuff: living together and putting your marriage into perspective with Clarissa Abijaoude, MA MFT

*Preserving childhood traditions while creating your own new traditions with Shirley Cress Dudley, LPC. Shirley Cress Dudley, the author of Blended Family Advice, gives information to blended and step families on how to respect your parents and still create your own family and new traditions of your own. There is a special section of her webinar dedicated to blended and step families.

The Online Conference for Newlyweds ends this Sunday, May 2nd.

Register now for The Newlywed Online Conference

Big week for newlyweds and blended and step families!

This week is an exciting week. On Tuesday, April 20th, I'll be interviewed by Traveling mom Kim Orlando at 1:30pm Eastern. To hear the show click here. We'll be discussing When the college kids return home to a blended family.

On Wednesday, April 21st, I'll (Shirley Cress Dudley) be a guest with Kim Iverson on her show, Lifelines, 8pm eastern. Kim will be taking questions from blended and step families throughout the hour. You can call 1-888-922-5554 if you want to ask a blended or step family question. Kim Iverson's show is a Entercom Communications' syndicated night show based out of Austin, TX. Show is heard in: Portland (KRSK), Denver (KALC), Austin (KAMX), Wichita (KFBZ), Kansas City (KKSN), Memphis (WMC), Milwaukee (WMYX), Indianapolis (WZPL), Buffalo (WTSS), and Norfolk (WPTE).

Friday is the start of The Newlywed Online Conference. April 23rd- May 2nd. (If you preregister before Friday, you'll save $10 off the registration fee.) 10 Marriage and Family experts will be talking about- finances, intimacy, in-laws, kids, communication and more! It's a conference just for newlyweds! If you are engaged to be married, or married less than 2 years, this is the perfect conference for you.

Why Blend When You Can Stand Out?

Andrea Patten is one of the presenters for The Blended and Step Family Online Conference. Here webinar is titled: Why Blend When You Can Stand Out: Creating a Family That Works for All of You.

Andrea's reasoning: "I was thinking about my workshops and conversations with so many of my clients for the past few years: I know they would rather not continue trying to shoehorn themselves and their family into a model that doesn't work for them."

Andrea continues, "They are proud of their blended and stepfamilies.... and my clients are willing to do the hard work to make their family the very best it can be. They want the opportunity to not only blend but to be OUTSTANDING."

Interested in more of what Andrea is saying? Sign up, now for The Blended and Step Family Online Conference.

Just to hear Andrea speak would cost you close to $100, but we're offering 10 marriage and family professionals, all available to you, for $39.99.

Best of all, you it fits your schedule. You don't have to BE anywhere at any particular time to take advantage of this offer. When you register, you get access to the online conference area and, starting March 26th, you can download one -- or ALL TEN -- presentations. Not going to be around on the 26th? That's no problem either! The link is good for 2 weeks after that date, so you've got time.

Here is more information on some of the other presenters:

* Did you know it's important to find out what your kids pack in their luggage when they come to visit you? Find out why when Dr. Matt Crain presents, "How to be a Great Dad when your Kids don't Live with you Full Time."

* Are you a "wicked" stepmother, at least in the eyes of those "evil" children? How can you, your marriage, and the children survive - and even thrive? Find outwhen Dr. Jaelline Jaffe presents, "Confronting the Myth of the Wicked Stepmother."

* Do you feel you speak a different language than your child, that your son doesn't hear your or your daughter disrespects you? Then Parent/Family Coach Lesa Day has a session for you!

*What is the one mistake all parents make, in communication with their ex? Find out with Shirley Cress Dudley's webinar on How to Communicate Successfully with your Ex.

BIG FAT NOTE: The ticket price goes up to $59.99 on the day of the conference, at 6pm Eastern, March 26th - that's this Friday. Why pay the full rate when you can register now and have an extra $20 in your pocket?

The Blended and Step Family Online Conference, register now!

My 14-year-old stepdaughter won't speak to me

A stepmom asks:

My partners' 14-year-old daughter barely speaks to me. What to do? Her dad and I have been together almost 2 years now.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
2 years is a long time. Unfortunately, the process will more difficult than if you had just become a blended family. I’m guessing that your stepdaughter isn’t in the home full time, but comes for visits. Because she isn’t in your home full time, you have tolerated her behavior.

Here’s what I would do:
Talk with your husband and agree that having members of your blended family not speaking to each other is not acceptable. Agree on some house rules for every child in the home (whether they live there full time or just visit.) Set aside a time for you to present your house rules to the kids. Explain that you’re a little late getting started, but it’s not too late to make positive changes. (If something happened to make this behavior especially intolerable, you may want to mention it.

Explain that there are consequences for not respecting the rules of the house. (Make sure you have a consequence ready and the biological parent is ready to enforce them.)

Here are some typical rules:
-Be kind to everyone in this house. Talk to all blended family members and treat them like you would like to be treated.
-Be respectful of all adults in this home. Obey any requests from all adults in this home.
-Keep your area clean.

End the discussion reminding all children that you love them and want what’s best for them. Explain that part of being an adult is teaching children what’s right.

Your stepdaughter will be confused and angry. She is pleased with the current situation- ignoring you and acting as if you don’t exist. She will go to her father and try to get him to “side” with her; she’ll probably say that the request to speak to you is “too hard” or “unreasonable.” Be prepared for this. You and your husband need to present a united front. You husband needs to explain to her that he loves you and you are his wife. As his wife, you are to be respected as an adult in this home, one that he consults on parenting issues. He should explain that is would make him happy to see her “come around” and be a part of his family.

If your stepdaugher continues her behavior (ignoring you) then your husband will need to enforce consequences. These consequences may have to increase, if your stepdaughter is stubborn and doesn’t want to change. Also, your husband should not arrange special one-on-one times with his daughter during this transition. He can talk privately with her, as he transports her to your home, or in a room in your home- but not take her out for ice cream, movie or hot chocolate to discuss this.

I had another thought... you mentioned "partner" and not "husband." If you are truly committed to this relationship, it's time to take the commitment to the next level and get married. Your stepdaughter will have much less trouble with this transition if you are officially and legally her stepmom. I know it's just a piece of paper, but you are standing before your friends, family and God- committing your life to each other. It truly does make a difference.

It will take several months for these changes to occur, but once your daughter acknowledges that her dad has remarried and she is now part of a blended family, all of your lives will be easier and more enriched by spending time with each other. Good luck. It’s going to be tough, but it’s time for this change to happen.

You may also want to purchase a copy of Blended Family Advice, and attend The Blended and Step Family Online Conference that starts March 26th. Go to United Marriage and Family Associates.com for more information on signing up for the conference.

Future stepmom is unsure about her blended family

A future stepmom asks:

I am becoming a step parent. We are coming off a nine day stay with my fiancé's son and I am very burnt out. The child has some tough days and I felt my patience just wasn't there. I also am overwhelmed because we were spending an hour or more a day just talking about the child and accessing his needs. I feel like I can't hear anymore or be with child for a long time. This feeling makes me feel really guilty. The child and I get along and he really likes me, but sometimes I wonder if I like him.

Shirley Cress Dudley, blended and step family coach responds:
I’ll try to answer your question as best as I can without all the information. It’s important to have balance. All of your time (whether your stepson is visiting or not) should have balance. Their should be some couple time (just you and your husband) some parent/child time (for dad/son,) some family time (everyone in your blended family) and also time for you- alone, to rejuvenate and restore your well being. It’s possible that the trip (as some vacations can be) was a bit unbalanced, and wore you down.


Also- it’s best for you and your future husband to develop your own set of house rules. When your stepson visits, he should be told what the expectations of your home are and the consequences of not following these expectations. When noncustodial kids visit, it shouldn’t be a “Disneyland” atmosphere- where they get anything they want. It should still be regular family, with rules and boundaries. I recommend the biological parent taking the lead in any discipline regarding disobeying the house rules.

You may never feel the same love for your stepson as a biological child. (Some people do, but some- after many years, still don’t feel the same love for their step kids.) That’s O.K. – really it is. You just need to love your future husband, and love your stepson through him. That way, when you are co-parenting him, you are doing what you believe is best for the one that you love, your husband.

Blended families are tough, but it is possible to have a happy, adjusted home with step kids and a blended family. You may want to read some of the blended and step family articles on the website for more information

And also consider purchasing a copy of Blended Family Advice. (It’s like an instruction manual for new step parents.) Here’s the link for more information on the book.


I hope this information helps.
Kindest Regards,
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended and Step Family Coach
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Problems with biological mom and inconsistent house rules

A stepmom asked recently:
I was just recently married, but been with the same man for 6 years now. We both have sons and I have known his son his whole life. His real mother has been in and out of his life, and she comes around when it is convenient for her. Every time she does show up, I have to let him see her, although I think that its just going to make more problems for him in the long run. My biggest problem is that he has structure here and rules. Every time he visits with his mother its completely different, she doesn't make him listen- she lets him walk all over her and she gives him everything he wants- no rules, no structure. He comes home thinking that it should be that way here as well, sometimes goes as far to say that he loves her more and wants to be with her. It really disrupts our blended family.

We won custody of him a long time ago due to her bad decisions to take him in bars and leave him downstairs to watch movies while she goes upstairs with men. I just don't know what to do, I have no patience for her and her stupid decisions anymore, and it's causing problems for him and my husband and me as well. I find myself being so angry and frustrated at my stepson, and his mom and everyone all the time now. what can I do??

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
I know it's frustrating for you, but you're truly doing the right things. Providing guidelines and boundaries for your stepson show that you love him.

Since you and your husband won custody of your stepson, I would recommend setting up some visitation guidelines, or a formal visitation agreement with his biological mom. That way- she can't just come and go as she pleases.

I know your stepson is testing you when he returns from her visits, pushing the boundaries and seeing if you'll let him get away with anything. That's O.K.- maintain your houserules, and remind him that when he returns from a visit with his mom, your houserules have not changed, and your expectations of him have not changed. He will protest, but kids really do appreciate boundaries and know that you love them when you give them rules and guidelines.

Keep up the good work as a stepmom, and just be consistent, and try not to worry!
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended and Step Coach
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
Blended and Step Family Coach
http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com

January 2010 Blended and Step Family newsletter

The January 2010 Blended and Step Family Newsletter is available now.

If you've been doing the same thing over and over, and not getting the results you want in your blended or step family- then it's time for change. Here are some actions you can take to help your family:
*Go to the articles section of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center and look for articles to answer your questions.
*Purchase a copy of Blended Family Advice.
*Get coaching for your family.

2010 is a new year- and it can be a positive one for you and your family, if you take action and make it happen!
Shirley
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
Author of Blended Family Advice

Step Family Coach, Shirley Cress Dudley

I was asked today, "Why did you become a step family coach?"  I thought that was a wonderful question, so it's my blog topic for today. 

I'm an LPC (licensed professional counselor) in the state of North Carolina.  I have counseled couples, families (with children as young as 5 years old participating) and individuals for many years. Some of my families were remarried and blended families, also called step families.  I listened to their concerns and their goals and thought I was doing a pretty good job of counseling them.

A decade into my counseling career, my marriage ended and I became a statistic- another divorced mom with kids.  I took a break from counseling for a couple of  years- I didn't feel worthy to help people at that time. After 2 years, I realized that no one is perfect- we all make mistakes.  I knew that, even as a divorced counselor, I could still help others, so I returned to the field of counseling.

Several years later, I met a wonderful man and decided to give marriage another try.  I was scared, but really wanted to try again. We married and became a blended family of 5 kids.

I knew blending a family is tough from my counseling experiences- but I really never knew how tough it was until I experienced it myself- UGHH!  It was sooo hard!  I was a step mom, with step kids, and had two completely different families trying to blend into one.  

Our first year was the hardest- and then we began to get things worked out.  It helped to be a counselor, (but of course the hardest person to counsel is yourself and your own family!)  I learned a lot.  What I learned most importantly was that I never really understood how hard it is to have a step family until I experienced it myself.


I looked on the internet at the available resources.  There were many great websites out there to vent, (especially for step moms,) but very few resources for counseling from educated professionals.  I decided I would focus my counseling on blended and step families. 


I also decided that coaching would be more appropriate for blended and step families.  When your new marriage is in trouble and your step family is falling apart- you need help- fast.  You need direct guidance and advice to save your marriage and family.  Sooooo- I became a step family coach (or blended family coach- your choice.)


I love talking with folks who have remarried and want to make their new family successful.  I can hear in their voices the love they have for their spouse, and yet their frustrations with putting their families together.


It's especially exciting to listen as families get better... healthier...stronger- and each day is no longer a battle.  



If you're having trouble in your step family- get help now.  I wrote a book, Blended Family Advice, using all the stories I heard from step families (and my own blended family stories.) I heard a common "thread" in all of those stories, developed some theories, and wrote a book that will help blended families with their issues. 

I also offer telephone coaching to those who want to talk with me directly.  2010 is a new year- make it a good one!
Talk with you again soon,
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Your blended and step family coach

New Year's Resolutions in the Blended and Step Family

It's a new year- 2010!
Wow- 2010 already... time passes by so quickly.

This year I have several new year's resolutions:
-Maintain a blog 3-5 times a week (Maybe even go daily!!)
-Plan more active time with our entire family (Note: eating meals and watching videos don't count as active.)

What are your new year's resolutions? Have you experienced a year of frustrations in your blended family? Do you feel like you aren't doing your best as a step mom or step dad? What changes would you like to make?

You may want to consider coaching. Telephone coaching is a non-intrustive way for you and your spouse to work on specific issues in your marriage and blended family. It's not like counseling- talking about your past and working on issues from your childhood. Coaching directly address the issues that are bugging you- today, right now- in your step family.

If interested, and you want 2010 to be the year your step family finally starts blending, then email me: Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

It's going to be a great year! Why- because we will make it so!

Talk with you again soon (maybe tomorrow?)

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Are You A Disney Dad?

Are you a “Disney Dad?”
• Do you get nervous when it’s time for your child(ren) to visit?
• Do you want everything to be perfect and your child(ren) happy at all times?
• Do you try to make wonderful plans, over the top, AMAZING activities each time they come over?
• Do you ignore your spouse and other family members during the visit?
If you answered yes to at least two of these questions…then you’re a Disney Dad!

Is this a bad thing? Well – yes and no. It’s great that you love your kids- no problem with that. It’s wonderful that you want to make your kids happy- that’s O.K. too. But is it realistic that you’ll keep them happy ALL the time? Nope.

Unrealistic Hopes
You are worrying yourself into an impossible situation. You can’t please your child(ren) all the time. If you really want to do this, I recommend divorcing your current spouse, giving up your job, your blended family, friends, hobbies, and possibly sleep too- but I need to warn you- it won’t be enough. Kids sense this struggle, and they will whine and whine, scream for MORE- attempting to get you to “raise the bar” every weekend. Will it ever satisfy them? Of course not- but your kids don’t know this.

What Do Children Really Need?
Children need love, belonging and recognition. They want to know that you love them and they are an important part of your life. How do you show them? By including them in your life.

Take them on your errands. Eat meals with your blended family, and involve them in family activities. It’s O.K. to have some one-on-one time over the weekend, but that shouldn’t be your main focus. Your child(ren) needs to see that they are a part of your family and part of your life. Those of you who have remarried and have step kids living with you- it’s important to show your biological children that they “fit” in this family, and you want them to be a part of it.

Who’s in Charge?
Right now- it’s your child(ren.) They really want structure and leadership from you. It’s time to be their parent and not their friend. They have friends, but they need to see some stability, structure and leadership from you.

It’s not time to eliminate discipline or instruction from you. Your child wants to please you and have you proud of him/her. By discussing your expectations with them, you are guiding them to be more responsible and continue becoming the best person they can be.

How Much Effect Can I Have, 26 Weekends a Year and a Couple of Holidays?
You’d be surprised how much effect a non-custodial father can have on his child(ren.) The role of a father in a child’s life is crucial. Your visits with them are great, but you can also maintain your relationship with phone calls, texts and even communicating with them on Facebook. Children need their father- a male role model in their lives. Don’t minimize the effect you can have on your child(ren.) When your child(ren) visits, show them a normal family, and a normal marriage- not a time where one person overshadows everyone else’s needs- that’s not normal or healthy.

Conclusion
As you are reading this article, some of you are saying, “Well, a couple of those points sound familiar, but I’m not as bad as all that.” Just a hint- if a couple of these paragraphs apply, then you’re a Disney dad. As my husband says, “Walks like a duck, sounds like a duck…..it’s a duck” In other words- don’t deny it, it’s time for change.

For more information, get your own copy of Blended Family Advice it’s a great instruction manual for how to be a remarried dad in a blended family.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She is the founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center. Shirley has a passion for helping blended and step families grow strong and be successful. Sign up for our Free newsletter and receive a Free Report- Top Ten Worst Mistakes You Can Make in Your Blended Family,
http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com

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