Coming back from college to a blended family

Guest post by Marina Salsbury:

Going to college is an exciting time for any young person. Meeting new friends and teachers, registering for classes and getting to know a new environment are all stimulating changes. However, it can also be a time of family changes. Some students are surprised and upset when their parents get divorced after they graduate from high school. They may be even more shocked when they come home on a school break after their parents have become involved with someone new, and find themselves faced with a blended family and new siblings to deal with.

Sharing a Household
Sharing the house with relative strangers can be challenging for anyone. Students coming home on a college break want to relax and connect with friends and family. Suddenly having a new family members to deal with can be difficult to adjust to immediately.

Some of the issues that can come up between step-sibling are territory and sharing space. Young adults often have a strong need to voice their opinions or make clear what spaces are their own and may not be receptive to sharing the rooms they grew up in. Having to negotiate things like using the television or sharing a communal computer with unfamiliar new family members can be hang-ups, too.

Personality differences can also be a source of friction. Being thrown into a household with unknown people and obliged to live with them is rarely enjoyable when it isn't by choice. It's not uncommon for new step-siblings to struggle over power and territory and to have difficulty knowing where they fit or what their roles are in the family.

Younger children may also resent having an older step-sibling suddenly appear on the scene during a school break after being gone to college for a while. The younger sibling may feel like the dynamic and players have changed yet again just when the new family arrangement was starting to be figured out.

Getting Used to Step-Parents
Another challenge for college students coming home to newly blended families can be learning to get along with new step-parents. They may resent the step-parents' roles with their birth parents, and become angry or upset when they witness affection between the two.

Children, no matter their age, can also feel conflicted if they begin to like their new step-parents. They may feel like they're betraying their birth parents, and become defensively angry, annoyed, or easily agitated toward one or the other.

Another issue that can arise in any blended family is tension about family and house rules. Families often have both overt and covert rules about behaviors. When the rules change, especially if they're unspoken, children may feel they no longer know how to behave or what expectations are.

Changes to rules that are stated outright can also be difficult to accept. In newly blended families, rules may change about how decisions are made or what types of behaviors are acceptable. Teens and young adults visiting from college can find it disconcerting and upsetting to realize the way of doing things they've always accepted has changed. In particular, they may resent feeling like they need to ask permission for anything from their step-parents.

The key to all these potential problems is clear communication. Parents would do well to ease their college-age children into new family dynamics as much as possible by discussing changes early on. It certainly won't do to let a new family situation be a total surprise to a visiting college child.

Regardless of how old children are, they'll still tend to think of their birth parents as their real parents. Step-parents may face an uphill battle to help their new family members become comfortable with them without forcing issues. Showing respect through honest and open communication with young people is the best attitude new step-parents can take. However, even if there aren't any huge tensions or hangups, everyone involved should expect a period of adjustment for all family members.

For more information or help for your blended family, check out The Blended and Step Family Resource Center.

Guest Post by Marina Salsbury- Marina  planned on becoming a teacher since high school, but found her way instead into online writing after college. She writes around the Web about everything from education to exercise.

If you need more information for your Blended Family or Step Family

If you find the Blended Family Advice Blog interesting, and want more information for your blended family or step family- go to The Blended and Step Family Resource Center. You can also email a short question to Shirley Cress Dudley, director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center here:
Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Did you know that blended and step families are now the most common family in America?  Yes- more than nuclear families.

Talk to you again soon,

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

The Blended and Step Family February 2011 Newsletter

If you haven't seen it yet, the February 2011 Blended and Step family Newsletter is available at The Blended and Step Family Resource Center.  In this month's newsletter, we discuss the importance of putting your marriage first, and keeping it a priority in your blended family.

We also have a special contest this month, to those of you that have had babies born to your blended families or step families, or have a baby due in the coming months. Submit your family photo and tell what this baby means to your blended family.  Email entries to Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com  Winner's name will be drawn February 28th, and they will me mailed a free copy of Kevin Mills, Baby Codes- 101 Winning Combinations to Help Your Baby Sleep. 

Good luck!  Send your blended or step family friends to the contest, if they have a new baby or are expecting a baby.  Details listed in The Blended and Step Family Newsletter- February 2011. 

Stepmom wonders about balance Blended Family Time

A stepmom asks:

I have a boyfriend with 2 kids that are under 18. I get along well with both kids.  I do not have kids of my own – my decision I am 44.  This is the first time I have had children in my life.  I am an only child and I was very up front and honest with my boyfriend about who I am, my personality, being an only child my life is about “me”  I am black and white little room for grey etc.  Our relationship moved quickly and we have been living together almost 2 years.  During some “learning curves” on my end, I was asked to include the kids in my life and I have almost 100%.  We have them on the every other weekend deal.  I honestly don’t think I am having “kid” issues as much as I am having relationship issues.

Okay here is my question – is it okay for the three of them to make plans and not include me and not ask me to go – even though I would not have gone.  Their plans are usually last minute type things and just leave me at home.

I feel left out, not included, and a little used for when I am needed.  I brought it up a few times as it has happened before and I get they are my kids.  I need to be able to do things with them without feeling guilty.  Should I be feeling left out here?  It is NOT all the time, but when it happens it is out of the blue and never any notice.  I am the planner – he is not.  I am the communicator and he is not.  I found out we were getting the kids for a 4-dayer by the 16 year old not my boyfriend.  I am really, really new at the kid thing and I think I try really hard – actually I was told I try to hard and do too much.  I just throw up my hands – thoughts? 

I try to find resources, but I am not a step mom, I am not a mom. 

Thanks.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

You really have a good perspective on this and have thought through it very thoroughly.

Your question is valid and I can answer it with some key principles for you and your boyfriend to follow:

A blended family needs balance- balance of couple time, parent/child time, and blended family time.  The couple takes priority (to give the kids a good example of a lasting relationship, and if the relationship isn’t working- nothing else really matters.)  The goal is for the couple to work together to do what’s best for the family.

Look for a balance during each visit with the kids:

• Couple time:  even if it is the kid’s weekend, there should be some couple time planned in that weekend, staying up later together, getting up early for coffee together, to just taking a few minutes out of each day to connect and talk.
• Parent/Child time:  it’s important for your boyfriend to spend time with his kids (without you.)  This doesn’t mean that when they visit, everything else is cancelled and the sole focus is on them, but it does mean running errands together, or maybe catching a movie together every now and then, or just playing basketball for 30 minutes together.
• Blended Family time:  it’s also important for you as a whole family to spend time together.  Even though they aren’t your kids, you are co-parenting as their stepmom, and should be an active part of their lives.

The tough part is figuring out the right balance. (Just a hint:  I’ve never had a blended family couple with problems that had too much couple time, it’s usually the ones who have too much parent/child or too much blended family time that have the issues.)

Since you are a planner and your boyfriend is not- then you could use your planning skills to help him with balance. “Honey, I understand the kids are coming this weekend. What time do you want to spend with them, alone- and what sort of things could we do as a blended family?  Here are my ideas…..” 

and, don’t forget, both of you, to spend time together, as a couple, each day, (dedicated- just the two of you) even if the kids are there.

As far as him doing an activity with the kids and not inviting you- the two of you should discuss the weekend, in advance, even if it’s an informal conversation.  (If he plans on spending Saturday morning with the kids, and you agree- then theoretically he could do any activity, within reason, and not mention it to you…. But, it would be nice to mention what he was thinking about, and then ask you if you want to be included.)

I hope that helps. Other resources are reading the articles on my website, getting the book Blended Family Advice, or also, for a little comic relief (laugh out loud, but slightly irreverent perspective-) The Package Deal:  My (no-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom by Izzy Rose (Amazon.com) or her website Step Mother’s Milk.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Consultant for  Performance Online Marketing Services

Holidays Tensions Rising in The Blended Family or Step Family?

Is your blended family having trouble figuring out the Thanksgiving break?  Are you and your ex-spouse already arguing about the holidays?


The holidays are the toughest time of year for step families and blended families. Here are some tips that may help:
-stay rested and get enough sleep, don't over commit
-exercise and eat right
-start negotiating the holidays as early as possible with your ex-spouse
-maintain a positive attitude when talking with your ex-spouse.
-make sure you talk to your current spouse/mate before finalizing any holiday arrangements with your ex-spouse


If you need more help- check out The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, talk to a counselor, join a local support group.


Talk again soon,
Shirley 


Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC
Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Yours, Mine and Ours- introducing a new baby into a blended family

After the wedding, and your blended family seems to be settling in- sometimes the new parents of this step family come up with some shocking news- a baby is one the way!  

Blended mom and dads may have children of their own, in this new family. These children, coming from the mom and dad in the new step family, would be related to the other children in the family, as a half-sister or half-brother.  At first, your children are going to protest and be upset about the arrival of a new baby in the family.  

It's important to reassure your children that there is enough love to go around- a new baby doesn't replace anyone's place in the family.  Talk with kids who don't live with you full time, and explain how important they are going to be, as older siblings, to the new baby. Let kids share their fears and concerns- while you listen- just listen.

Also, some of you haven't had kids in a while and it's important to babyproof the house.  Here are some tips to keep your home safe from Bonnie Ryan, who is affiliated with designer diaper bags.

• A Good Gate: Even if you are living in a ranch-style home or perhaps
  an apartment with no stairways, there will be rooms or areas you won't want
  your baby walking into, so a great gate is absolutely a must-have babyproofing
  purchase. 
• A Blind Winder: The number of children strangled every year because
  of dangling blind and also shade cords is actually devastating. In fact, the
  Consumer Product Safety Commission lists cords as one of the "hidden
  risks" parent's don't even think of. There are numerous low-cost window
  blind winders out there, however if you have to personally re-wind the cord
  after every use, chances are you won't use it
• Anti-Tip Anchors: If you have a climber (or possible climber) on your
  hands, furniture straps are a must. Whether it's a dresser or a shelf, attach
  these heavy pieces of furniture on the wall with anti-tip straps in order to
  avoid the furniture from tipping over
• Fireplace Safety: The hard stone around the fire place hearth can be
  very dangerous with little ones all-around. Its sharp edges and rough stone
  corners can cut, and also seriously hurt the tripping child. You must choose
  one of the several good hearth bumper pads available in the marketplace.
• Corner Edge Bumpers: You can cover the corners of the end-tables and
  coffee tables with corner and side guards. One-sizing-fits all because you cut
  the foam to fit your particular table precisely
• Outlet Covers: For used outlets with cords, you can buy a cover that
  could prevent your baby from unplugging the cord and messing with the outlet.
  They are best for high-traffic areas where you will be inserting and
  un-plugging items often.
• Childproof Latches for Cabinets and Drawers: Drawer latches are also
  an essential-have for childproofing your home. They may prevent your growing
  infant from reaching intact drawers with sharp or tiny items stored within.
  Ideal for the kitchen, bathroom, or home office. Choose childproof latches that
  won't let your little one to get even a hand inside.
• Railing Net: Stair and railing nets will also be a must in case your
  railing spindles tend to be further than 2.5 to 3 ins apart.
• Bath tub Safety Items: Bath-time is always fascinating for a growing
  baby. Keep it secure by using some of these little accessories- a bathtub thermometer to gauge water temperature, a bathtub safety rail to help your little one in and out of the tub safely, and a a faucet cover to protect her little head from bumps

These are the most critical baby safety gear items out there. Look at
them as an essential investment you will make in the years of growth and
exploration still ahead of you.

Thanks for those tips, from our guest post from Bonnie Ryan.  Bonnie is currently writing for designerdiaperbags.org,  her personal hobby blog focused on rules to help mothers
to get data to become a lot more eco-conscious and make their own eco-friendly
baby diaper bags.

Shirley Cress Dudley is the director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, and author of Blended Family Advice.


(You are welcome to reprint this
article on your site as long as you print it in it's entirety, including the
reference at the end and the links.
Thank you.)

Secrets to a Happy Step Family

Through the years, I've talked to hundreds (maybe thousands- I've lost count) of blended and step families. I noticed a similar pattern in all of them. There is one underlying principle that keeps a step family strong and successful.

What is the underlying principle?  What is the secret?  The secret is to keep your marriage in the center of the family and in the center of the marriage. If you focus too much time on the kids, in ex-spouse, or your parents, your marriage will suffer. It sounds easy- but it's not.

Most parents have been own their own for several years, some have even fought to have custody or time with their kids. When they remarry, it's tough to change that focus and look back towards the marriage.  Keeping the marriage a priority gives kids an excellent example of what a healthy marriage should be.

If the primary focus is on the kids, children grow up in a unrealistic world, one that gives them everything they want- as soon as they ask. That world is not real- and will cause more problems than you can image.

Do you want to solve most of your blended or step family issues?  Put your marriage first.

Talk with you again soon,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Blended Family- New School Year- Time for Change in Your Step Family

StepFamily- Time for Change

It's a new school year, and a great time to make some changes in your blended family.

Some of you have already sent your kids back to school, and a few of you are a couple of days away from the first day of the fall semester. It’s a great time of year to get back to a normal schedule, start fresh, and make any necessary changes in your step family or blended family:

• Are you ready to establish or change some family rules in your stepfamily?

• Do your kids and step kids need some help respecting the adults in the home?

• Is your marriage a priority in your blended family?

• Have you figured out how to balance your time with your spouse, kids and step kids?

• Do you and your spouse need to re-negotiate your co-parenting techniques?

• Is it time to create more boundaries with your ex-spouse?

The beginning of a new school year is a great time to make these changes. Help your stepfamily become more successful by using the start of a school year to change a few things around the house. Make sure you and your spouse discuss these changes, and agree, before talking to the kids. Below is a free podcast that will give you and your spouse ideas on how you can make some positive changes in your stepfamily.

Free Podcast

I'm offering in August a podcast on Making changes in your step family. This podcast will be free until Monday, August 29th 9am Eastern. After that time, I’ll put it for sale with the other resource materials. Here’s the link to download your free podcast: http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com/podcast

Free Stuff and Great Step Family Events:

Are you missing out on free stuff and special events at The Resource Center?

• On Facebook, do you “like or friend” Shirley Cress Dudley and The Blended and Step Family Resource Center?

• Do you follow @MarriageNFamily on Twitter?

The reason I ask is that sometimes I offer special events through Facebook and Twitter. If you are following me on these sites, you will hear about the events as soon as they begin.

Last month, we did a one day drawing. Stepfamilies submitted photos of their beautiful stepfamilies and also their summer time tips. Three names were drawn and these three families won a free copy of the book Blended Family Advice.

Congratulations to:

• The Hetchler blended family from Ohio
• Colleen Riggle’s blended family from Georgia
• Lisa Teal-Web’s blended family (aka Buckeye Bonus Mom) from Ohio

You can see their photos, great summer tips, and a video created from these photos at this Step Family Summer Photos and Tips link.

Talk with you again soon.

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, Charlotte North Carolina

Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Follow us on Twitter at MarriageNFamily (over 34,000 followers!)

Quick Links

• Articles and Newsletters for Blended and Step Families: http://www.theblendedandstepfamilyresourcecenter.com/articlesandnewsletters

• Reader Contributions: http://www.blendedfamilyadvice.com/readercontributions

• Step Family Coaching: http://www.TheBlendedAndStepfamilyResourceCenter.com/coaching

MTV Los Angeles Casting Producer Needs Step Family

If you're in a blended or step family in the Los Angeles area- read on!  MTV is now casting for "The Stepfamily Project."  They are looking for families that have kids between the ages of 14-19 years old and part of a blended family, or about to become a blended family.

Here's more information: 

Are you between 14 and 19 years old and a part of a family that is about to blend or move in together?  Does the whole concept make you want to scream?  Really?  Then let’s have some fun documenting the craziness!

• Is your mom or dad about to get (or recently got) married? 

• Are you used to having things your way and you won’t be able to deal?

• Are you and your step around the same age and you compete over everything?!!

• Are you guys moving, heading to a new school, trying out for the same team or being forced to get along?

• Is your mom or dad at their wits’ end, watching all of the chaos between you guys?

Our show will be told from YOUR point of view as you document all of the funny stuff, annoying stuff and never-ending drama that’ll go on in your new life with the Steps!  Armed with a flip-cam, this is your chance to show the audience that it’s not so easy to blend into a new family!  The parents are along for the ride, too, as you’ll show us how they react to you and your Step trying to figure it all out.

Share a room?  No way! Move to a new school? Unthinkable! 

Go on vacation with her?!  We must be kidding!

 If you’re ready to haves some fun as you settle into an unfamiliar world, we want to hear from YOU!

For more info send us photos and an email describing your story!  We want to know about your personality, your issues and your family dynamic!  Give us the scoop on your situation and tell us why this show could be just what your family needs!

CONTACT:

Jean Arthur

Casting Producer

(626) 535-0868 x 288

To apply for the show send your story to:

Stepfamilycasting@mikemathisprods.com

To be considered, you must live in/around the LA area

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has opened a Charlotte, North Carolina office

 
The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has opened an office in Charlotte, North Carolina

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is excited to announce the opening of a new office in Charlotte, North Carolina.  The office will be located at 6135 Park South Drive, Suite 510, Charlotte NC 28210.

Shirley Cress Dudley, director of The Resource Center will be offering face-to-face blended and step family coaching at this location.  Children and teenager groups will also be offered in the next six months.
Ms. Dudley is a licensed professional counselor, with a master’s degree in marriage and family counseling, and a master’s degree in education, the internationally known author of Blended Family Advice, and has years of experience as a  step mom.

“Due to multiple requests, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center will have a bricks and mortar location in the south Charlotte area. We will be able to coach blended and step families and also offer support groups for parents and kids.  Telephone coaching and the online resources will be available to those outside of the Charlotte area,” states director Shirley Cress Dudley.

About The Blended and Step Family Resource Center:
The Blended and Step Family Resource Center offers a free monthly newsletter, along with podcasts, webinars, articles and a reader’s forum.

Statistics:
Approximately 2,100 new blended families form every day in America. More than 20+ million Blended Family households exist today and that number grows daily.  The blended family is now the most common form of family unit in our nation.  130+ million Americans are either in or have been in a blended family of some form (through re-marriage, adoption, foster home, etc.)  60% of second marriages end in divorce. (Statistics taken from the American Blended Family Association and population and census records.)


Contact Information:
Shirley Cress Dudley, director
Telephone:  704-541-1225
Address: 6135 Park South Drive, Suite 510
Charlotte, NC 28210 
Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

What's the difference in coaching and counseling?

My wife and I need some help with our blended family. We see that you offer coaching, and we really need some counseling- we think. What's the difference?  We just need some help!


The best example I can think of is an adult playing softball, a Saturday afternoon, with the company softball team.  He/She strikes out, repeatedly, and basically has a terrible experience that day. Counseling would talk with this person about the experience:  "How did striking out feel?" " What memories of your childhood did it bring to mind?" 
 
Although these are great questions, and I highly value counseling, this is not what we do at The Blended and Step Family Resource Center. We do coaching.  Coaching is more direct and solution oriented: "Hold your head down a bit, and look at the ball; raise your elbow as you hold the bat...."  
 
Do you see the difference?  Both are great, but blended and step families need help now, and we're here to direct and guide you, to be your coach, with our proven experience and knowledge, to successfully guide your blended family.

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Need a counselor in Charlotte for your stepfamily?

Are you looking for a counselor in Charlotte, North Carolina for your stepfamily?  Having problems with your blended family and need some local help?  Help is here!

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has opened a location in Charlotte, North Carolina. We are located across from South Park on Park South Drive. Below is the address:

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

6135 Park South Drive

Suite 510

Charlotte, NC 28210

Available hours for coaching are Tuesday afternoons and Thursday mornings- at this time. Call 704-541-1225 to schedule an appointment.

Shirley Cress Dudley is the director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, an LPC (licensed professional counselor) with masters degrees in education and also marriage and family counseling.  She also has personal experience as part of a blended family and being a stepmom. She understands the many issues for blended and step families.

Moved in together and having trouble in our blended family

A blended family mom asks:

My boyfriend and I moved in together about 6 months ago and we are having problems related to my kids. He doesn't feel like he can talk to me about the kids, and is having trouble figuring out what his role is with them.

We've been together for several years, and want to figure this out. Any help you can provide would be appreciated.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
It’s tough when a couple move in together and they aren’t married. The kids are confused, family and friends are also sometimes confused because the stepparent status is not official. But- in reality- your boyfriend is the stepdad in the family now. It’s important to talk to your kids and tell them that you have created a new family, and your boyfriend is a co-parent in this family.

Establish some house rules and guidelines for your new family- like respecting all adults in the home, and expectations for the kids (keeping their areas clean, being polite and friendly to all family members, etc.) Also use this opportunity to create some new, fun family traditions.  What you are doing, is teaching your kids that this is a family, and how they should act in this new family. As you and your boyfriend develop these house rules and new traditions together, it will also help him see that he has an important part in this family as a co-parent.

I encourage the biological parent to enforce the rules, and let the step parent focus on developing relationships with the kids. That doesn’t mean that your boyfriend can’t correct the kids- he should say something if they disobey one of your family rules (the ones developed by you and your boyfriend.)  But- you should enforce the consequences.

There are several articles on the site (and a section in the book) that will help with this. So- the main tip I can give you is that you are a new family, with two adults co-parenting your children now. It’s time to develop the expectations for this family, and help your children grow accustomed to the new situation. 

You can look through the website Http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com and read the many articles about blended families- this will help your situation.   Purchasing the book, Blended Family Advice, is also an inexpensive way to get help.

I wish you lots of luck. Blended families are tough, but you’ve been together several years, so it’s really worth the effort.

Kindest Regards,
Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, LPC
Sdudley4@carolina.rr.com
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Daughter doesn't want a step mom

A soon-to-be step mom asks:
I just need little advice. I am engaged to my fiancé, and he has a 7year old. He believes I resent his daughter because she is from a different woman. I truly don't resent his daughter, but I will admit some of my actions do seem as if I resent her. I do try and keep my space when his daughter is around only because she can be rude and pretty demanding at times towards me. We have a good relationship, but there are times I just do not want to be around her.

I love and care for her very much, I just want to prepare myself to be a good step mom. Can you provide some guidance on how to help her understand that it is not okay for her to talk to me in a disrespectful way? Also, how should my fiancé respond to his daughter when she comments that, "he should not have a girlfriend," and why isn't he with his mommy?" Please provide some guidance for us.

Shirley Cress Dudley, Blended and Step Family Expert responds:
Yes- blended families are difficult. Here are some tips for you to make it easier.

His daughter may still be grieving the separation of mommy and daddy. It’s important for your fiancé to convey to his daughter that he loves her, and even though he’s not with her mommy, he will always be her daddy, and will always love her. He can encourage her to talk about this. As long as she is respectful, it’s fine for her to share her angry, confused thoughts.

It’s also important for her daddy to start talking to her about how he wants to be with you and get married. He should discuss this with excitement and tell he how happy you make him. Involve her in the wedding planning- like picking out her dress, or talking about her carrying flowers at the wedding.

He should discuss how marrying you creates a new family and this family will have house rules. Some of these rules are- obeying and respecting adults, and not being rude to adults. Make sure there are consequences to poor behavior, and the consequences should be enforced by her dad. You should concentrate on building the relationship at this time and let him be the bad guy. He should tell his daughter that you don’t replace her mom, but will be her stepmommy- another adult to love her and take care of her.

It’s fine for you to not want to spend all your time with her. You need balance: time alone, time with your fiancé and time with your soon-to-be blended family. He needs the same- time alone, time with you, daughter/daddy time, and blended family time. Balance is the key.

Poor behavior should not be tolerated. Times of change (such as parent’s separating, and remarriage) have children bouncing around- not understanding what’s going on. They need boundaries and guidelines. These boundaries (or rules) give them security and a sense of stability. It’s not time to let her get away with rudeness in actions or words.

I hope this helps. If all this isn’t enough, I recommend checking out my book, Blended Family Advice, and also considering some coaching. My website also has lots of information- articles, newsletters, stories and poems from other blended families. I’m also running a special- just for engaged couples or blended families that have been together less than 2 years.

I think you’ll find a lot of help there. Here’s the link:

http://www.blendedfamilyadvice.com

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Kids giving dad a tough time

A blended stepmom asks: 
My fiancé has two daughters
(ages five and 6). Both seem to like me. The older one likes me quite a bit more than the younger one. I have been a part of their lives for one year now.  Lately, the younger daughter has started doing everything possible to get Daddy's attention. She asks to be picked up and held all the time. 

She interrupts people when they are talking to her Daddy so that he has to turn his attention to her and she cries constantly to get his attention. At night, she consistently wakes up at 2:30 am and wants her Daddy to come lay with her. After he checks on her, he tries to come back to bed but she just cries more until he finally has to put her on the couch downstairs and lay with her there so that she won't wake the whole house up. It is getting unbearable. She does this every single night. 

It is really starting to affect my fiancé as he is not getting a good nights rest at night and we are not getting to spend nights in the same bed anymore. He is still in the process of an extremely messy divorce that has lasted for 15 months now so he coddles both of the girls whenever they are here. He has 50/50 custody with his ex so the girls are here 3-4 nights a week. This is not going to be a healthy way to start our new life together. Any suggestions? Thanks!

Shirley Cress Dudley responds: 

I’m sorry to hear you’re having a tough time. Blended families are difficult and require some extra steps to help kids adapt.  It’s hard to answer such a complicated question in a  few brief paragraph-, but I’ll give you a few basic tips:

Establish House Rules

Since you are engaged to be married, talk with the kids (with dad taking the lead) about how this new family of yours needs to establish their own set of house rules and guidelines.  You and
your fiance should discuss what expectations and guidelines are appropriate for the kids- such as not interupting adults when talking; going to bed early, if they don’t have a solid night’s sleep the night before; keeping their room cleaned up; being respectful to adults, etc.  Also discuss how this new family of your will be starting some new traditions.  Plan some fun activities for
the whole family, and create some new traditions of your own.  Remind the kids that if they don’t
respect/obey the house rules, some of these planned activities will be cancelled.  (Remind their dad to enforce the consequences of not obeying the rules, or they are just words- and the kids will soon learn they mean nothing.) Offer rewards and fun activities at the end of the week for good behavior.

The kids Are Still Grieving the Divorce

The words “15 months” and “messy divorce” explain a lot too. The kids, especially the younger one, are grieving the divorce and also very upset about their parents continual fighting.  It’s
important for their dad to talk to them and convey some basic thoughts:

• I love you. Even though Mommy and Daddy are now living in two separate
  homes, Mommy and Daddy will always love you.
• Daddy is getting married and she will be your stepmommy.  She doesn’t take the place of your mom, but
  is an extra adult in your life to love you and take care of you.
• Daddy and ____ (you) need adult time at night.  If you interupt this time, we will have to
  take some play time away during the day to make up for this.

It would also be a good idea to find a therapist who has experience with  kids and let her participate in some play therapy. It would help for her to have a 3^rd party, outside the family, to talk to and receive some help.

When divorce and remarriage occur (one or both) kids are just “bouncing off the walls”- wondering what’s happening…what are the new rules?  What is expected of me?  What’s going to happen to me?  It’s important for their Dad to talk to them and reassure them. But- this is not time to coddle them, or back off on the rules.  Kids need boundaries and guidelines- these rules actually help them feel safe and secure.  It will take a few nights, but adding some boundaries to the bedtimes and behavior of the kids will make a dramatic and positive difference in your lives. Good luck with your blended family.  I wish you the best.  If you need more assistance, try blended family coaching.

Big week for newlyweds and blended and step families!

This week is an exciting week. On Tuesday, April 20th, I'll be interviewed by Traveling mom Kim Orlando at 1:30pm Eastern. To hear the show click here. We'll be discussing When the college kids return home to a blended family.

On Wednesday, April 21st, I'll (Shirley Cress Dudley) be a guest with Kim Iverson on her show, Lifelines, 8pm eastern. Kim will be taking questions from blended and step families throughout the hour. You can call 1-888-922-5554 if you want to ask a blended or step family question. Kim Iverson's show is a Entercom Communications' syndicated night show based out of Austin, TX. Show is heard in: Portland (KRSK), Denver (KALC), Austin (KAMX), Wichita (KFBZ), Kansas City (KKSN), Memphis (WMC), Milwaukee (WMYX), Indianapolis (WZPL), Buffalo (WTSS), and Norfolk (WPTE).

Friday is the start of The Newlywed Online Conference. April 23rd- May 2nd. (If you preregister before Friday, you'll save $10 off the registration fee.) 10 Marriage and Family experts will be talking about- finances, intimacy, in-laws, kids, communication and more! It's a conference just for newlyweds! If you are engaged to be married, or married less than 2 years, this is the perfect conference for you.

Help for Blended and Step Families

Are you wondering if your stepfamily needs help? What about your kids? Are they so upset about the new marriage that they may need therapy too?

Join us at The Blended and Step Family Online Conference and find the answers you need. Discover:
*How to do estate planning for a blended family
*Tips on stepfamily travel
*How to be a great dad even if your kids aren't with you full time
*Myths and truths of being a stepmom
*How to determine if your child needs to see a therapist
*How to relate to your kids and stepkids, even though they have different personalities
*How to have successful family mediation
*How to communicate successfully with your ex-spouse
*How to help your child live in 2 houses
*How to have a successful blended family

All this in one conference and you don't even have to leave the house! The go "live" date is Friday, March 26th. Once you register for this blended and step family event, you can access the 10 webinars for 2 weeks.

Don't miss out! Your stepfamily needs these resources.
See you there-
Shirley Cress Dudley
The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
The Blended and Step Family Online Conference

Marriage and Family Online Conference

It's finally coming-and I'm so excited. The first Marriage and Family Online Conference will be here on March 26th! The topic of this month's conference is Blended and Step Families. Right now, we are in the final stages of choosing the presenters. You will be able to hear 10 presentations (teleseminars, videos or webinars) for one low price of $39.99 (per person or couple.)

This ongoing conference is presented by United Marriage and Family Associates. Each month, a different topic will be featured.

In March, Richard Barnes, attorney, will discuss "Estate Planning in Your Blended Family."

Shirley Cress Dudley, founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center will have a webinar on "Successful communications with your Ex."

Dr. Matt Crain, founder of Connecting Fathers and Families will discuss "How to be a great dad when your kids don't live with you fulltime."

More presenters and their information is to coming....

Register now for the low fee of $39.99- On March 22nd, conference fee goes up to $59.99.

Problems with biological mom and inconsistent house rules

A stepmom asked recently:
I was just recently married, but been with the same man for 6 years now. We both have sons and I have known his son his whole life. His real mother has been in and out of his life, and she comes around when it is convenient for her. Every time she does show up, I have to let him see her, although I think that its just going to make more problems for him in the long run. My biggest problem is that he has structure here and rules. Every time he visits with his mother its completely different, she doesn't make him listen- she lets him walk all over her and she gives him everything he wants- no rules, no structure. He comes home thinking that it should be that way here as well, sometimes goes as far to say that he loves her more and wants to be with her. It really disrupts our blended family.

We won custody of him a long time ago due to her bad decisions to take him in bars and leave him downstairs to watch movies while she goes upstairs with men. I just don't know what to do, I have no patience for her and her stupid decisions anymore, and it's causing problems for him and my husband and me as well. I find myself being so angry and frustrated at my stepson, and his mom and everyone all the time now. what can I do??

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
I know it's frustrating for you, but you're truly doing the right things. Providing guidelines and boundaries for your stepson show that you love him.

Since you and your husband won custody of your stepson, I would recommend setting up some visitation guidelines, or a formal visitation agreement with his biological mom. That way- she can't just come and go as she pleases.

I know your stepson is testing you when he returns from her visits, pushing the boundaries and seeing if you'll let him get away with anything. That's O.K.- maintain your houserules, and remind him that when he returns from a visit with his mom, your houserules have not changed, and your expectations of him have not changed. He will protest, but kids really do appreciate boundaries and know that you love them when you give them rules and guidelines.

Keep up the good work as a stepmom, and just be consistent, and try not to worry!
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended and Step Coach
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
Blended and Step Family Coach
http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com

January 2010 Blended and Step Family newsletter

The January 2010 Blended and Step Family Newsletter is available now.

If you've been doing the same thing over and over, and not getting the results you want in your blended or step family- then it's time for change. Here are some actions you can take to help your family:
*Go to the articles section of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center and look for articles to answer your questions.
*Purchase a copy of Blended Family Advice.
*Get coaching for your family.

2010 is a new year- and it can be a positive one for you and your family, if you take action and make it happen!
Shirley
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
Author of Blended Family Advice