Stepmom wonders about balance Blended Family Time

A stepmom asks:

I have a boyfriend with 2 kids that are under 18. I get along well with both kids.  I do not have kids of my own – my decision I am 44.  This is the first time I have had children in my life.  I am an only child and I was very up front and honest with my boyfriend about who I am, my personality, being an only child my life is about “me”  I am black and white little room for grey etc.  Our relationship moved quickly and we have been living together almost 2 years.  During some “learning curves” on my end, I was asked to include the kids in my life and I have almost 100%.  We have them on the every other weekend deal.  I honestly don’t think I am having “kid” issues as much as I am having relationship issues.

Okay here is my question – is it okay for the three of them to make plans and not include me and not ask me to go – even though I would not have gone.  Their plans are usually last minute type things and just leave me at home.

I feel left out, not included, and a little used for when I am needed.  I brought it up a few times as it has happened before and I get they are my kids.  I need to be able to do things with them without feeling guilty.  Should I be feeling left out here?  It is NOT all the time, but when it happens it is out of the blue and never any notice.  I am the planner – he is not.  I am the communicator and he is not.  I found out we were getting the kids for a 4-dayer by the 16 year old not my boyfriend.  I am really, really new at the kid thing and I think I try really hard – actually I was told I try to hard and do too much.  I just throw up my hands – thoughts? 

I try to find resources, but I am not a step mom, I am not a mom. 

Thanks.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

You really have a good perspective on this and have thought through it very thoroughly.

Your question is valid and I can answer it with some key principles for you and your boyfriend to follow:

A blended family needs balance- balance of couple time, parent/child time, and blended family time.  The couple takes priority (to give the kids a good example of a lasting relationship, and if the relationship isn’t working- nothing else really matters.)  The goal is for the couple to work together to do what’s best for the family.

Look for a balance during each visit with the kids:

• Couple time:  even if it is the kid’s weekend, there should be some couple time planned in that weekend, staying up later together, getting up early for coffee together, to just taking a few minutes out of each day to connect and talk.
• Parent/Child time:  it’s important for your boyfriend to spend time with his kids (without you.)  This doesn’t mean that when they visit, everything else is cancelled and the sole focus is on them, but it does mean running errands together, or maybe catching a movie together every now and then, or just playing basketball for 30 minutes together.
• Blended Family time:  it’s also important for you as a whole family to spend time together.  Even though they aren’t your kids, you are co-parenting as their stepmom, and should be an active part of their lives.

The tough part is figuring out the right balance. (Just a hint:  I’ve never had a blended family couple with problems that had too much couple time, it’s usually the ones who have too much parent/child or too much blended family time that have the issues.)

Since you are a planner and your boyfriend is not- then you could use your planning skills to help him with balance. “Honey, I understand the kids are coming this weekend. What time do you want to spend with them, alone- and what sort of things could we do as a blended family?  Here are my ideas…..” 

and, don’t forget, both of you, to spend time together, as a couple, each day, (dedicated- just the two of you) even if the kids are there.

As far as him doing an activity with the kids and not inviting you- the two of you should discuss the weekend, in advance, even if it’s an informal conversation.  (If he plans on spending Saturday morning with the kids, and you agree- then theoretically he could do any activity, within reason, and not mention it to you…. But, it would be nice to mention what he was thinking about, and then ask you if you want to be included.)

I hope that helps. Other resources are reading the articles on my website, getting the book Blended Family Advice, or also, for a little comic relief (laugh out loud, but slightly irreverent perspective-) The Package Deal:  My (no-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom by Izzy Rose (Amazon.com) or her website Step Mother’s Milk.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Consultant for  Performance Online Marketing Services

My fiancé is still posing for family photos with his ex-spouse

A future blended mom asks:

help!  My fiancé is still posing, each year, for Christmas family photos with his ex-wife and his kids. They also celebrate Christmas together, each year. He doesn't see any harm in it, and says the kids like it. I don't think this is right- what can I do?

Shirley Cress Dudley Responds:

You are right, your fiancé does not belong in family photos of family that no longer exists.  Some parents believe that by celebrating the holidays together (even though they are divorced) is best for the kids.  In reality- it’s cruel to the kids.  By continuing to celebrate Christmas together, and taking group/family photos, it gives the kids hope that mom and dad may be together again someday (every child’s hope and dream.)

If both parents have remarried, (or are engaged) and everyone can attend and will get along- then it’s fine for everyone to be there, as long as it’s everyone.

It’s time for your fiancé to have his own Christmas celebrations. I don’t know how long this has been going on, but as soon as he separated from his ex, he should have begun celebrating the holidays separately.  The kids need to see the “new world” and that includes dad as a single person, and one who, as an adult, can celebrate birthdays and other holidays, in his own home. Now that you are engaged, it should be a celebration with you, your fiancé and all of your kids- if that’s possible. If not possible, then make sure once you are married you celebrate together as a blended family.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Best Visitation Schedule for My 18 Month Old

A newly separated mom asks:

 

My son's father and I are trying to come up with a reasonable visitation schedule that is best for my son. He wanted to do Mon, Wed, Friday and every other Sunday. I want a schedule with stability for him, and I don't think switching back and forth every other day is stability. I have never done this before so I want to know some sort of visitation schedule that would be best for a 18 month old.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

Deciding the best visitation schedule can be tough.  I agree with you that every other day could be confusing for your son and also confusing for you and your ex-spouse

There are several different types of visitation schedules that seem to be common among blended families: Shared Visitation: one week with one parent, and then one week with the other parent.  Primary Custody: one parent has primary custody and the other parent sees the child every other weekend and 1-2 days (Tuesday and Thursday, or Wednesday) during the week.

What's important is that your son has a relationship with both mom and dad.  You don't have to like your ex-spouse, but it's important to encourage your child to have a relationship with his dad, and speak positively about those visits.

You can try several different schedules until the two of you agree on what works out best for you and your ex. Your child will be fine with any of the schedules I mentioned, and most likely the schedule you mentioned also.  (He would probably be the one the least confused.)

If you keep the main goal in mind, a relationship with both parents, any of these options will be fine.

Kindest Regards-

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Blended and Step Family Holiday Contest

This week only- send in your blended family holidays photos or step family holiday memories and you will be entered in our drawing.


Prizes include:  Holiday Survival Kit for Blended and Step Families, Blended Family Advice- the book, and 30 minute mini-session with Shirley Cress Dudley to answer your holiday question.


Share your wonderful blended family photos, or memories of great holiday times in your step family. You will encourage and strengthen another family- and you also might win a prize!


Go to The Blended and Step Family Resource Center for more information about the contest.
Good Luck!

Secrets to a Happy Step Family

Through the years, I've talked to hundreds (maybe thousands- I've lost count) of blended and step families. I noticed a similar pattern in all of them. There is one underlying principle that keeps a step family strong and successful.

What is the underlying principle?  What is the secret?  The secret is to keep your marriage in the center of the family and in the center of the marriage. If you focus too much time on the kids, in ex-spouse, or your parents, your marriage will suffer. It sounds easy- but it's not.

Most parents have been own their own for several years, some have even fought to have custody or time with their kids. When they remarry, it's tough to change that focus and look back towards the marriage.  Keeping the marriage a priority gives kids an excellent example of what a healthy marriage should be.

If the primary focus is on the kids, children grow up in a unrealistic world, one that gives them everything they want- as soon as they ask. That world is not real- and will cause more problems than you can image.

Do you want to solve most of your blended or step family issues?  Put your marriage first.

Talk with you again soon,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Step Mom asks about keeping deceased moms photos in the house

A Step Mom Asks: I married a man 3 years ago who became a widower when his wife died suddenly, 6 years ago.  His children were 17 and 25 at the time of their mother's death. We purchased a new home, and while going through old boxes, found lots of photos of his deceased wife.  His adult daughter wants us to display the photos of her mom in our home, and is refusing to come to our home if we don't put the photos out. My husband feels stuck in the middle.  I don't feel supported in this.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

Blended families are tough, especially when a parent dies.  You want to honor the deceased parent, and yet maintain your place as wife and mother in this home.

When you and your husband married, the two of you become the center of the family.  You and your husband become the center of his former nuclear family and you and your husband become the center of the decisions made around you and your kids.  You are the wife and mother of this home and this new family. 

I understand the daughter’s desire to keep her mother’s photos, and that is understandable.  If you and your husband have room, then, by all means, keep them in storage for the kids.  Encourage them, at some point (maybe even giving them a deadline) to collect the photos and take them to their homes. This is part of being an adult and creating your own home and family.  You husband may want to keep some (which is fine- this is his nuclear family and one that existed for many years) – but it is not appropriate for these photos of the former family to be displayed in your home.

As the mother and wife of this home, it is inappropriate for a former wife (even if she is deceased) to be publically displayed in your home. If any of the kids were still living in the home, it would be appropriate for them to have photos of their mother in their room (but not family/group photos.) Your youngest child should be able to have a photo or two of his (her) father in his room.  You are honoring their deceased mother by keeping photo albums and photos, but there is no need for these photos (however lovely) to be displayed in your home.  Again, this is your and your husband’s home.  He cannot have two wife’s photos, or two sets of family photos displayed in this home.

Kids, even adult kids, will push the limits in a blended family.  They will see if their dad is going to choose you over them.  They want to see who is “loved more” or “more important” to him.  It is of extreme importance that you and your husband don’t engage in this competition.  There is no competition between a father’s love for his kids and a man’s love for his wife.  The mom and dad (husband and wife) are in charge of this family, and they (you and your husband) make the primary decisions in this family. All kids are loved, and their place in the family has not changed- they are still your kids. The two of you will parent (and co-parent) your kids (and stepkids) to the best of your ability- together.

I understand your husband’s conflicted feelings, but it’s time to put the photos back in storage, and your husband tell his kids how much he loves them, and how much he loved their mother. But- their mother is dead now, and he has remarried. He should explain that he and his new wife are creating a home and a life together.  If the daughter refused to come to your home, then (although this is very tough, it’s really what is best) your husband should tell her he loves her and will be waiting to see her, when she is ready.  He should not push her, or offer to meet her somewhere else, but stand firm in his commitment to you and his new blended family.  When she protests, he should continue to tell her how much he loves her, and wants her to be a part of his blended family, and will hope that she will understand and realize it’s the right decision for everyone.

I hope that helps.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Step Families and Blended Family Summer Activities

Step Family News Special

BC Producer, Katie Distler, is looking for step families in which the couples are in their 50's.  She is going to do a news report on step families. If interested, email Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com and she will pass along the information.

Beautiful Step Family Photos and Summer time Tips for Your Blended Family

Have you seen the great photos of step families on The Blended and Step Family Resource Center website?  Come check out these beautiful step family photos.

Summertime tips for blended and step families:

• With four teenagers, it's hard to get everyone together, especially when we only see two of them a couple of weekends a month. So we always make that Saturday "Family Cookout Time."  Everyone helps plan, prepare and make the meal.  Then we swim before they all run off to be with friends.
• Spend the day with family having a water gun fight, slip n slide.. grilling out and making ice cream sundaes.
• Don't forget to spend time with your spouse, the kids can play for a little while.
• Any kind of craft or art project.
• Encourage stepkids to call their biological mom or biological dad while on vacation. Their connection is very important. Have them send postcards or pick up little gifts for younger siblings that are not with them.
• Rent a movie and have a family moving night.
• Try not to over schedule when planning a holiday with the kids.  Leave time for goofing around at a playground, running through a sprinkler, going for a walk or a swim, or playing a pick up game of baseball or soccer.  I have found that doing these things really makes the kids happy, and they don't require a lot of money or planning, just your time, which is what they want most of all.
• Anything that's free!  We scan the local newspaper for free family concerts, movies, and fairs.
• Camping is a great way for a blended family to spend time together. You work together, depend on one another, laugh and create memories and shared experiences. (And we have a rule: no electronics.)
• Stay hydrated! Summer is a hot time in many states and drinking plenty of fluids is important!
• Don't forget bedtime- cranky kids are not happy kids.
• A family that plays together stays together!
• You are going to forget something, the kids are going to fight and bicker, it might be raining, you may be feeling the world is against you, but take a minute to enjoy these little moments and treasure them for all they are worth, even in the times that all seems not to be going well – realize at least you have you family together right there, to love, and that’s all that matters in the end.
• We set aside an hour, each day, for summer reading. I read to the little ones, and the older ones read to themselves.
• Since we have so many little ones, I was nervous to get a swimming pool in the backyard, so I gathered a bunch of large tupperware containers, plastic storage boxes (like the ones you put under the bed) and gave the kids the hose. They spent hours filling 'em, dumping 'em, floating different toys in them, or using them for personal outdoor bathtubs!
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• When on a road trip, we rent audio books, and listen to them as we drive.  It makes great conversation when we stop to eat, and keeps the kids quiet while we are driving  

MTV casting for a stepfamily with teenagers

The Step Family Project
Are you a soon-to-be or recent stepparent with teenage kids

on both sides?  Are your kids creative, outgoing and ready to have some fun documenting the experience of blending families?

Our show will be told from your kid’s points of view as they film all of the action that’ll go on in your new lives, all living under one roof!  Armed with a flip-cam, this is their chance to show the audience that it’s not so easy to blend into a new family!  You and your new husband are along for the ride, too, as we’ll see your reactions to your kids as they figure it all out!

For more info send us photos and an email describing your story!  We want to know about your personality, your issues and your family dynamic!

CONTACT:

Stepfamily Casting Department

(626) 535-0868 x 316

To apply for the show send your story to:

Stepfamilycasting@mikemathisprods.com

There is compensation for participation

Kids giving dad a tough time

A blended stepmom asks: 
My fiancé has two daughters
(ages five and 6). Both seem to like me. The older one likes me quite a bit more than the younger one. I have been a part of their lives for one year now.  Lately, the younger daughter has started doing everything possible to get Daddy's attention. She asks to be picked up and held all the time. 

She interrupts people when they are talking to her Daddy so that he has to turn his attention to her and she cries constantly to get his attention. At night, she consistently wakes up at 2:30 am and wants her Daddy to come lay with her. After he checks on her, he tries to come back to bed but she just cries more until he finally has to put her on the couch downstairs and lay with her there so that she won't wake the whole house up. It is getting unbearable. She does this every single night. 

It is really starting to affect my fiancé as he is not getting a good nights rest at night and we are not getting to spend nights in the same bed anymore. He is still in the process of an extremely messy divorce that has lasted for 15 months now so he coddles both of the girls whenever they are here. He has 50/50 custody with his ex so the girls are here 3-4 nights a week. This is not going to be a healthy way to start our new life together. Any suggestions? Thanks!

Shirley Cress Dudley responds: 

I’m sorry to hear you’re having a tough time. Blended families are difficult and require some extra steps to help kids adapt.  It’s hard to answer such a complicated question in a  few brief paragraph-, but I’ll give you a few basic tips:

Establish House Rules

Since you are engaged to be married, talk with the kids (with dad taking the lead) about how this new family of yours needs to establish their own set of house rules and guidelines.  You and
your fiance should discuss what expectations and guidelines are appropriate for the kids- such as not interupting adults when talking; going to bed early, if they don’t have a solid night’s sleep the night before; keeping their room cleaned up; being respectful to adults, etc.  Also discuss how this new family of your will be starting some new traditions.  Plan some fun activities for
the whole family, and create some new traditions of your own.  Remind the kids that if they don’t
respect/obey the house rules, some of these planned activities will be cancelled.  (Remind their dad to enforce the consequences of not obeying the rules, or they are just words- and the kids will soon learn they mean nothing.) Offer rewards and fun activities at the end of the week for good behavior.

The kids Are Still Grieving the Divorce

The words “15 months” and “messy divorce” explain a lot too. The kids, especially the younger one, are grieving the divorce and also very upset about their parents continual fighting.  It’s
important for their dad to talk to them and convey some basic thoughts:

• I love you. Even though Mommy and Daddy are now living in two separate
  homes, Mommy and Daddy will always love you.
• Daddy is getting married and she will be your stepmommy.  She doesn’t take the place of your mom, but
  is an extra adult in your life to love you and take care of you.
• Daddy and ____ (you) need adult time at night.  If you interupt this time, we will have to
  take some play time away during the day to make up for this.

It would also be a good idea to find a therapist who has experience with  kids and let her participate in some play therapy. It would help for her to have a 3^rd party, outside the family, to talk to and receive some help.

When divorce and remarriage occur (one or both) kids are just “bouncing off the walls”- wondering what’s happening…what are the new rules?  What is expected of me?  What’s going to happen to me?  It’s important for their Dad to talk to them and reassure them. But- this is not time to coddle them, or back off on the rules.  Kids need boundaries and guidelines- these rules actually help them feel safe and secure.  It will take a few nights, but adding some boundaries to the bedtimes and behavior of the kids will make a dramatic and positive difference in your lives. Good luck with your blended family.  I wish you the best.  If you need more assistance, try blended family coaching.

Having Trouble Planning Your Summer in a Blended or Step Family

• Are you having trouble with the visitation arrangements in your blended or step family? 
• Do you wonder what's really best for your child?
• What about your feelings?  Are you struggling with letting your child go for a few weeks, over the summer?

Here's an article on Summer Visitation schedules. It will help you make good decisions on your summer visitation plans in your blended or step family.  If you have any questions, after reading the article, send me an email, and I'll post the response here on the blog.
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Husband Doesn't Want to be a StepDad

A step mom asks:
"I've been married for a little over a year.  I have two children from a previous marriage and my husband has one child.  He wants us to have a child together child.  We did discuss our wants and desires before we got married and I did tell him that I would be willing to have another child but I also said this based on what he told me and his actions at the time towards my children.  Since we married, he is not loving, nurturing and does not even talk to my kids and I have shared custody (50/50).  My kids are straight A students (ages 11 & 7) and are always given compliments from their teachers.  No discipline problems either.  I can't see taking care of 4 children while he only tends to 2 but he can't see my point b/c he isn't doing "anything" to them.  I am in my late 30s (my timer is ticking) and he is in his early 30s.  How do I handle this because communicating with him regarding the needs of my children only land us in arguments.  Any advice is appreciated."

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

I’m sorry to hear that your husband doesn’t talk or interact with your kids. It’s tough to remarry…you are not only looking for a spouse, but also someone to co-parent your children. Your children are part of your “package.”  When you husband married you, he knew it meant he would then have step kids.

I would not encourage you to have any children with him until you work through this important issue. Accepting you, loving you, and marrying you means he should accept and love your children, as you should accept and love his child.   I would recommend some blended family counseling for the two of you to work on how you interact as a couple with your 3 existing kids, before having more children.

Check out The Blended and Step Family Resource Center for more information.

Marriage and Family Online Conference

It's finally coming-and I'm so excited. The first Marriage and Family Online Conference will be here on March 26th! The topic of this month's conference is Blended and Step Families. Right now, we are in the final stages of choosing the presenters. You will be able to hear 10 presentations (teleseminars, videos or webinars) for one low price of $39.99 (per person or couple.)

This ongoing conference is presented by United Marriage and Family Associates. Each month, a different topic will be featured.

In March, Richard Barnes, attorney, will discuss "Estate Planning in Your Blended Family."

Shirley Cress Dudley, founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center will have a webinar on "Successful communications with your Ex."

Dr. Matt Crain, founder of Connecting Fathers and Families will discuss "How to be a great dad when your kids don't live with you fulltime."

More presenters and their information is to coming....

Register now for the low fee of $39.99- On March 22nd, conference fee goes up to $59.99.