Stepmom wonders about balance Blended Family Time

A stepmom asks:

I have a boyfriend with 2 kids that are under 18. I get along well with both kids.  I do not have kids of my own – my decision I am 44.  This is the first time I have had children in my life.  I am an only child and I was very up front and honest with my boyfriend about who I am, my personality, being an only child my life is about “me”  I am black and white little room for grey etc.  Our relationship moved quickly and we have been living together almost 2 years.  During some “learning curves” on my end, I was asked to include the kids in my life and I have almost 100%.  We have them on the every other weekend deal.  I honestly don’t think I am having “kid” issues as much as I am having relationship issues.

Okay here is my question – is it okay for the three of them to make plans and not include me and not ask me to go – even though I would not have gone.  Their plans are usually last minute type things and just leave me at home.

I feel left out, not included, and a little used for when I am needed.  I brought it up a few times as it has happened before and I get they are my kids.  I need to be able to do things with them without feeling guilty.  Should I be feeling left out here?  It is NOT all the time, but when it happens it is out of the blue and never any notice.  I am the planner – he is not.  I am the communicator and he is not.  I found out we were getting the kids for a 4-dayer by the 16 year old not my boyfriend.  I am really, really new at the kid thing and I think I try really hard – actually I was told I try to hard and do too much.  I just throw up my hands – thoughts? 

I try to find resources, but I am not a step mom, I am not a mom. 

Thanks.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

You really have a good perspective on this and have thought through it very thoroughly.

Your question is valid and I can answer it with some key principles for you and your boyfriend to follow:

A blended family needs balance- balance of couple time, parent/child time, and blended family time.  The couple takes priority (to give the kids a good example of a lasting relationship, and if the relationship isn’t working- nothing else really matters.)  The goal is for the couple to work together to do what’s best for the family.

Look for a balance during each visit with the kids:

• Couple time:  even if it is the kid’s weekend, there should be some couple time planned in that weekend, staying up later together, getting up early for coffee together, to just taking a few minutes out of each day to connect and talk.
• Parent/Child time:  it’s important for your boyfriend to spend time with his kids (without you.)  This doesn’t mean that when they visit, everything else is cancelled and the sole focus is on them, but it does mean running errands together, or maybe catching a movie together every now and then, or just playing basketball for 30 minutes together.
• Blended Family time:  it’s also important for you as a whole family to spend time together.  Even though they aren’t your kids, you are co-parenting as their stepmom, and should be an active part of their lives.

The tough part is figuring out the right balance. (Just a hint:  I’ve never had a blended family couple with problems that had too much couple time, it’s usually the ones who have too much parent/child or too much blended family time that have the issues.)

Since you are a planner and your boyfriend is not- then you could use your planning skills to help him with balance. “Honey, I understand the kids are coming this weekend. What time do you want to spend with them, alone- and what sort of things could we do as a blended family?  Here are my ideas…..” 

and, don’t forget, both of you, to spend time together, as a couple, each day, (dedicated- just the two of you) even if the kids are there.

As far as him doing an activity with the kids and not inviting you- the two of you should discuss the weekend, in advance, even if it’s an informal conversation.  (If he plans on spending Saturday morning with the kids, and you agree- then theoretically he could do any activity, within reason, and not mention it to you…. But, it would be nice to mention what he was thinking about, and then ask you if you want to be included.)

I hope that helps. Other resources are reading the articles on my website, getting the book Blended Family Advice, or also, for a little comic relief (laugh out loud, but slightly irreverent perspective-) The Package Deal:  My (no-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom by Izzy Rose (Amazon.com) or her website Step Mother’s Milk.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Consultant for  Performance Online Marketing Services

Step Mom having trouble discipling stepson

A step mom asks:

I am an almost step mom to an eleven year old boy. His mom is not in the picture for the most part and he is very angry with her. His dad wasn't allowed to decide how the boy would be raised and what he would and would not be allowed to do and say.When the mom checked out of his life, his dad and I have become full time parents to him. Now that this little boy is older he has such a bad mouth and argues constantly. Watches things I wouldn't suggest to an adult and throws fits when he is told that he has to do things our way. I want him to grow up to be a good person who knows right from wrong and can be around other people. Time outs don't work, and lectures don't work. He is home schooled because he cannot function in a regular classroom setting. We constantly got calls from the school that he was in trouble and made it difficult for the other kids to work. We need some serious help. What do you suggest?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds: 

You’re already doing an outstanding job- taking responsibility for your soon-to-be stepson, helping him with school, and basic everyday expectations.

You mentioned that timeouts don’t work. That’s one option- discipline for poor behavior. Possibly you haven’t had a long enough time out, or a quick enough reaction to his poor behavior. If the timeout is consistent, immediate, and equal to the “crime” – it is more effective. (for an eleven-year-old, a 30-60 minute time out is appropriate, a time for him to go to his room and read, or clean up an area for 30 minutes.)

Another technique is praise. When you “catch him” doing something good- praise him immediately.  You can also offer rewards at the end of the week, or the end of the day, if certain behavior is maintained. An example may be- a day without temper tantrums means you get to watch a 30 minute television program this evening.  A week of great school work results in going to the movies, or renting a movie. If you are really organized, and would like to do this- you can create a chart, with stars for good behavior, and give rewards related to how many stars he earns each day.

Make sure your spouse supports you and is in agreement with you in your efforts.  A “united front” of parents will be more effective, than if the two of you disagree on his behavior and discipline.  If you do disagree- talk with your mate in private and get the issues resolved before presenting them to your stepson.

As far as the television or videos he is watching, you and your mate are the parents now, and you can control his viewing. Remove any inappropriate videos from his collection, and prevent him from watching anything you feel is important.

It will be difficult, and he will fight you on these boundaries, discipline and limits in his life.. but- a child perceives boundaries and limits as love. Although you will see him protest, he knows, deep inside, that you are doing this because you love him.  Remind him daily that you love him and want what’s best for him.

Good luck.  You can make a real difference in this child’s life. Good for you for having the drive, interest and love for him.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

My 14-year-old stepdaughter won't speak to me

A stepmom asks:

My partners' 14-year-old daughter barely speaks to me. What to do? Her dad and I have been together almost 2 years now.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
2 years is a long time. Unfortunately, the process will more difficult than if you had just become a blended family. I’m guessing that your stepdaughter isn’t in the home full time, but comes for visits. Because she isn’t in your home full time, you have tolerated her behavior.

Here’s what I would do:
Talk with your husband and agree that having members of your blended family not speaking to each other is not acceptable. Agree on some house rules for every child in the home (whether they live there full time or just visit.) Set aside a time for you to present your house rules to the kids. Explain that you’re a little late getting started, but it’s not too late to make positive changes. (If something happened to make this behavior especially intolerable, you may want to mention it.

Explain that there are consequences for not respecting the rules of the house. (Make sure you have a consequence ready and the biological parent is ready to enforce them.)

Here are some typical rules:
-Be kind to everyone in this house. Talk to all blended family members and treat them like you would like to be treated.
-Be respectful of all adults in this home. Obey any requests from all adults in this home.
-Keep your area clean.

End the discussion reminding all children that you love them and want what’s best for them. Explain that part of being an adult is teaching children what’s right.

Your stepdaughter will be confused and angry. She is pleased with the current situation- ignoring you and acting as if you don’t exist. She will go to her father and try to get him to “side” with her; she’ll probably say that the request to speak to you is “too hard” or “unreasonable.” Be prepared for this. You and your husband need to present a united front. You husband needs to explain to her that he loves you and you are his wife. As his wife, you are to be respected as an adult in this home, one that he consults on parenting issues. He should explain that is would make him happy to see her “come around” and be a part of his family.

If your stepdaugher continues her behavior (ignoring you) then your husband will need to enforce consequences. These consequences may have to increase, if your stepdaughter is stubborn and doesn’t want to change. Also, your husband should not arrange special one-on-one times with his daughter during this transition. He can talk privately with her, as he transports her to your home, or in a room in your home- but not take her out for ice cream, movie or hot chocolate to discuss this.

I had another thought... you mentioned "partner" and not "husband." If you are truly committed to this relationship, it's time to take the commitment to the next level and get married. Your stepdaughter will have much less trouble with this transition if you are officially and legally her stepmom. I know it's just a piece of paper, but you are standing before your friends, family and God- committing your life to each other. It truly does make a difference.

It will take several months for these changes to occur, but once your daughter acknowledges that her dad has remarried and she is now part of a blended family, all of your lives will be easier and more enriched by spending time with each other. Good luck. It’s going to be tough, but it’s time for this change to happen.

You may also want to purchase a copy of Blended Family Advice, and attend The Blended and Step Family Online Conference that starts March 26th. Go to United Marriage and Family Associates.com for more information on signing up for the conference.

Future stepmom is unsure about her blended family

A future stepmom asks:

I am becoming a step parent. We are coming off a nine day stay with my fiancé's son and I am very burnt out. The child has some tough days and I felt my patience just wasn't there. I also am overwhelmed because we were spending an hour or more a day just talking about the child and accessing his needs. I feel like I can't hear anymore or be with child for a long time. This feeling makes me feel really guilty. The child and I get along and he really likes me, but sometimes I wonder if I like him.

Shirley Cress Dudley, blended and step family coach responds:
I’ll try to answer your question as best as I can without all the information. It’s important to have balance. All of your time (whether your stepson is visiting or not) should have balance. Their should be some couple time (just you and your husband) some parent/child time (for dad/son,) some family time (everyone in your blended family) and also time for you- alone, to rejuvenate and restore your well being. It’s possible that the trip (as some vacations can be) was a bit unbalanced, and wore you down.


Also- it’s best for you and your future husband to develop your own set of house rules. When your stepson visits, he should be told what the expectations of your home are and the consequences of not following these expectations. When noncustodial kids visit, it shouldn’t be a “Disneyland” atmosphere- where they get anything they want. It should still be regular family, with rules and boundaries. I recommend the biological parent taking the lead in any discipline regarding disobeying the house rules.

You may never feel the same love for your stepson as a biological child. (Some people do, but some- after many years, still don’t feel the same love for their step kids.) That’s O.K. – really it is. You just need to love your future husband, and love your stepson through him. That way, when you are co-parenting him, you are doing what you believe is best for the one that you love, your husband.

Blended families are tough, but it is possible to have a happy, adjusted home with step kids and a blended family. You may want to read some of the blended and step family articles on the website for more information

And also consider purchasing a copy of Blended Family Advice. (It’s like an instruction manual for new step parents.) Here’s the link for more information on the book.


I hope this information helps.
Kindest Regards,
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended and Step Family Coach
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center