Stepmom wonders about balance Blended Family Time

A stepmom asks:

I have a boyfriend with 2 kids that are under 18. I get along well with both kids.  I do not have kids of my own – my decision I am 44.  This is the first time I have had children in my life.  I am an only child and I was very up front and honest with my boyfriend about who I am, my personality, being an only child my life is about “me”  I am black and white little room for grey etc.  Our relationship moved quickly and we have been living together almost 2 years.  During some “learning curves” on my end, I was asked to include the kids in my life and I have almost 100%.  We have them on the every other weekend deal.  I honestly don’t think I am having “kid” issues as much as I am having relationship issues.

Okay here is my question – is it okay for the three of them to make plans and not include me and not ask me to go – even though I would not have gone.  Their plans are usually last minute type things and just leave me at home.

I feel left out, not included, and a little used for when I am needed.  I brought it up a few times as it has happened before and I get they are my kids.  I need to be able to do things with them without feeling guilty.  Should I be feeling left out here?  It is NOT all the time, but when it happens it is out of the blue and never any notice.  I am the planner – he is not.  I am the communicator and he is not.  I found out we were getting the kids for a 4-dayer by the 16 year old not my boyfriend.  I am really, really new at the kid thing and I think I try really hard – actually I was told I try to hard and do too much.  I just throw up my hands – thoughts? 

I try to find resources, but I am not a step mom, I am not a mom. 

Thanks.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

You really have a good perspective on this and have thought through it very thoroughly.

Your question is valid and I can answer it with some key principles for you and your boyfriend to follow:

A blended family needs balance- balance of couple time, parent/child time, and blended family time.  The couple takes priority (to give the kids a good example of a lasting relationship, and if the relationship isn’t working- nothing else really matters.)  The goal is for the couple to work together to do what’s best for the family.

Look for a balance during each visit with the kids:

• Couple time:  even if it is the kid’s weekend, there should be some couple time planned in that weekend, staying up later together, getting up early for coffee together, to just taking a few minutes out of each day to connect and talk.
• Parent/Child time:  it’s important for your boyfriend to spend time with his kids (without you.)  This doesn’t mean that when they visit, everything else is cancelled and the sole focus is on them, but it does mean running errands together, or maybe catching a movie together every now and then, or just playing basketball for 30 minutes together.
• Blended Family time:  it’s also important for you as a whole family to spend time together.  Even though they aren’t your kids, you are co-parenting as their stepmom, and should be an active part of their lives.

The tough part is figuring out the right balance. (Just a hint:  I’ve never had a blended family couple with problems that had too much couple time, it’s usually the ones who have too much parent/child or too much blended family time that have the issues.)

Since you are a planner and your boyfriend is not- then you could use your planning skills to help him with balance. “Honey, I understand the kids are coming this weekend. What time do you want to spend with them, alone- and what sort of things could we do as a blended family?  Here are my ideas…..” 

and, don’t forget, both of you, to spend time together, as a couple, each day, (dedicated- just the two of you) even if the kids are there.

As far as him doing an activity with the kids and not inviting you- the two of you should discuss the weekend, in advance, even if it’s an informal conversation.  (If he plans on spending Saturday morning with the kids, and you agree- then theoretically he could do any activity, within reason, and not mention it to you…. But, it would be nice to mention what he was thinking about, and then ask you if you want to be included.)

I hope that helps. Other resources are reading the articles on my website, getting the book Blended Family Advice, or also, for a little comic relief (laugh out loud, but slightly irreverent perspective-) The Package Deal:  My (no-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom by Izzy Rose (Amazon.com) or her website Step Mother’s Milk.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Consultant for  Performance Online Marketing Services

Step daughter's flirting with their dad in blended family

A blended family mom asks:

 My fiance and I have very different parenting styles.He lives with me and my 3 children full-time and we have his kids on Wednesdays and every other weekend. He has great kids and so do I.

I feel like his girls are more sneaky and manipulative. He of course doesn't see this in them at all.His girls are 12 and 9.Their bedtime is 9:30 however they take way too long to get ready and want him to tuck them in repeatedly so it's 10 or later before they are actually in bed.I spoke to him about this and he feels it's not a big deal. They also tend to disregard him when we are trying to leave the house in the mornings before school.They always are running 15-20 minutes late because they stand around and waste time.His oldest gets up at 5am and still can't be ready by 7.my 3 kids are all ready to head out the door after only being up for an hour.He lets his girls watch movies that have sexual content and lots of profanity which really disturbs me as my kids are only allowed to watch movies that are appropriate for their age level.His girls tend to be way to physical with him.Always wanting to sit on his lab and his 9 yr had him carry her the other day with her facing him and her legs wrapped around his waste.They both have made the comment that they wish he was their age so they could date him.They constantly tell him he is cute and rub his arms in to me a sexual way.I spoke with him about it and he didn't realize how things looked but he still hasn't talked with them about it.When sitting next to him they throw their legs over him and sometimes their hands are to close to his genitals and they all seem like it's no big deal.My fiance never gives me the vibes that there is any unnatural feelings for his girls but I have the feeling that the girls are interested in him in a more intimate way.What should I do. I have had other people tell me that it is weird the way the girls act with their dad.They are good kids and for the most part don't cause any trouble.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

I have had this experiences you described myself, and also heard similar stories from other blended and step families.  His girls see you as competition. They believe that if their dad loves you, it means that he loves them less. In their child-like eyes, they are doing what they believe will “win” him over to love them more, and give you up.  (If you completely think through it, it’s a bit sick, but the girl’s brains don’t think through it completely- their thoughts are clouded with the fear of abandonment.)  Here are some tips that may help this issue, and the other issues you mentioned:

House rules:

You and your fiancé need to establish house rules for your blended family.  Negotiate, decide what’s most important, and write them all down. This includes leaving on time, going to bed on time, and what kind of movie/television is appropriate to watch in front of the whole family.  You both will have to negotiate a bit to come to an agreement on these rules or guidelines. I do lean, though, towards watching age appropriate video and television content.  You may need to give in a little on the girls taking so long, but let natural consequences help the girls realize keeping to the schedule is necessary.  Example- agree on a bedtime for the kids (it may be different based on the ages of the kids, but should not be different based on which family they are from- his or yours.)  If someone goes to bed late one night, (say- 30 minutes) then they need to start going to be 30 minutes earlier the next night (natural consequence.)  Same in the morning- if they can’t leave at the specified time, then they will need to get up earlier and also go to bed earlier, to get enough sleep.

Your fiancé should spent some time with the girls talking about the difference between adult love and parent/child love (just the basics.)  “The love I have for Kelly is different than the love I have for you.  Loving her has nothing to do with a father’s love. I will always be your dad, and nothing and no one can ever change that.”

He should also praise the girls when they are showing good behavior- getting ready on time, obeying his instructions, etc. He should tell them how proud he is of them, and how they are growing up. When the 9 year old asks to be picked up, he should remind her that she’s too old for this.  If the girls start pawing him, it is fine for him to tell them that it’s not appropriate and this is not how a daughter touches her dad- stop immediately.  (Normally dads don’t notice these things- so you may need to have a secret word, or a tap on his arm, to help him notice when these things are happening.)  Girls have even started dressing provocatively and flirting with their dad to try to keep his attention and keep him away from the new stepmom. 

You can also reinforce their dad’s talk by telling the girls that you love them because you love their dad.  Tell them that being their stepmom doesn’t mean that you are their mom, or will ever take the place of their mom. Also tell them that their father loves them very much and you are glad he has a good relationship with them. 

I hope that helps. Sometimes couples need more than just an email. If you try these steps (and also let him read this email) and don’t see changes in the coming weeks, you may want to consider getting more help- joining a support group, purchasing a copy of Blended Family Advice, or getting blended family coaching.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Consultant for  Performance Online Marketing Services

You can follow Shirley-

Twitter:              @MarriageNFamily  (over 35,000 followers)

Facebook:        Shirley Cress Dudley, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, Blended Family Advice Group

Linked In:          Shirley Cress Dudley, Blended Family Forum

Step Mom asks about keeping deceased moms photos in the house

A Step Mom Asks: I married a man 3 years ago who became a widower when his wife died suddenly, 6 years ago.  His children were 17 and 25 at the time of their mother's death. We purchased a new home, and while going through old boxes, found lots of photos of his deceased wife.  His adult daughter wants us to display the photos of her mom in our home, and is refusing to come to our home if we don't put the photos out. My husband feels stuck in the middle.  I don't feel supported in this.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

Blended families are tough, especially when a parent dies.  You want to honor the deceased parent, and yet maintain your place as wife and mother in this home.

When you and your husband married, the two of you become the center of the family.  You and your husband become the center of his former nuclear family and you and your husband become the center of the decisions made around you and your kids.  You are the wife and mother of this home and this new family. 

I understand the daughter’s desire to keep her mother’s photos, and that is understandable.  If you and your husband have room, then, by all means, keep them in storage for the kids.  Encourage them, at some point (maybe even giving them a deadline) to collect the photos and take them to their homes. This is part of being an adult and creating your own home and family.  You husband may want to keep some (which is fine- this is his nuclear family and one that existed for many years) – but it is not appropriate for these photos of the former family to be displayed in your home.

As the mother and wife of this home, it is inappropriate for a former wife (even if she is deceased) to be publically displayed in your home. If any of the kids were still living in the home, it would be appropriate for them to have photos of their mother in their room (but not family/group photos.) Your youngest child should be able to have a photo or two of his (her) father in his room.  You are honoring their deceased mother by keeping photo albums and photos, but there is no need for these photos (however lovely) to be displayed in your home.  Again, this is your and your husband’s home.  He cannot have two wife’s photos, or two sets of family photos displayed in this home.

Kids, even adult kids, will push the limits in a blended family.  They will see if their dad is going to choose you over them.  They want to see who is “loved more” or “more important” to him.  It is of extreme importance that you and your husband don’t engage in this competition.  There is no competition between a father’s love for his kids and a man’s love for his wife.  The mom and dad (husband and wife) are in charge of this family, and they (you and your husband) make the primary decisions in this family. All kids are loved, and their place in the family has not changed- they are still your kids. The two of you will parent (and co-parent) your kids (and stepkids) to the best of your ability- together.

I understand your husband’s conflicted feelings, but it’s time to put the photos back in storage, and your husband tell his kids how much he loves them, and how much he loved their mother. But- their mother is dead now, and he has remarried. He should explain that he and his new wife are creating a home and a life together.  If the daughter refused to come to your home, then (although this is very tough, it’s really what is best) your husband should tell her he loves her and will be waiting to see her, when she is ready.  He should not push her, or offer to meet her somewhere else, but stand firm in his commitment to you and his new blended family.  When she protests, he should continue to tell her how much he loves her, and wants her to be a part of his blended family, and will hope that she will understand and realize it’s the right decision for everyone.

I hope that helps.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Daughter doesn't want a step mom

A soon-to-be step mom asks:
I just need little advice. I am engaged to my fiancé, and he has a 7year old. He believes I resent his daughter because she is from a different woman. I truly don't resent his daughter, but I will admit some of my actions do seem as if I resent her. I do try and keep my space when his daughter is around only because she can be rude and pretty demanding at times towards me. We have a good relationship, but there are times I just do not want to be around her.

I love and care for her very much, I just want to prepare myself to be a good step mom. Can you provide some guidance on how to help her understand that it is not okay for her to talk to me in a disrespectful way? Also, how should my fiancé respond to his daughter when she comments that, "he should not have a girlfriend," and why isn't he with his mommy?" Please provide some guidance for us.

Shirley Cress Dudley, Blended and Step Family Expert responds:
Yes- blended families are difficult. Here are some tips for you to make it easier.

His daughter may still be grieving the separation of mommy and daddy. It’s important for your fiancé to convey to his daughter that he loves her, and even though he’s not with her mommy, he will always be her daddy, and will always love her. He can encourage her to talk about this. As long as she is respectful, it’s fine for her to share her angry, confused thoughts.

It’s also important for her daddy to start talking to her about how he wants to be with you and get married. He should discuss this with excitement and tell he how happy you make him. Involve her in the wedding planning- like picking out her dress, or talking about her carrying flowers at the wedding.

He should discuss how marrying you creates a new family and this family will have house rules. Some of these rules are- obeying and respecting adults, and not being rude to adults. Make sure there are consequences to poor behavior, and the consequences should be enforced by her dad. You should concentrate on building the relationship at this time and let him be the bad guy. He should tell his daughter that you don’t replace her mom, but will be her stepmommy- another adult to love her and take care of her.

It’s fine for you to not want to spend all your time with her. You need balance: time alone, time with your fiancé and time with your soon-to-be blended family. He needs the same- time alone, time with you, daughter/daddy time, and blended family time. Balance is the key.

Poor behavior should not be tolerated. Times of change (such as parent’s separating, and remarriage) have children bouncing around- not understanding what’s going on. They need boundaries and guidelines. These boundaries (or rules) give them security and a sense of stability. It’s not time to let her get away with rudeness in actions or words.

I hope this helps. If all this isn’t enough, I recommend checking out my book, Blended Family Advice, and also considering some coaching. My website also has lots of information- articles, newsletters, stories and poems from other blended families. I’m also running a special- just for engaged couples or blended families that have been together less than 2 years.

I think you’ll find a lot of help there. Here’s the link:

http://www.blendedfamilyadvice.com

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Kids giving dad a tough time

A blended stepmom asks: 
My fiancé has two daughters
(ages five and 6). Both seem to like me. The older one likes me quite a bit more than the younger one. I have been a part of their lives for one year now.  Lately, the younger daughter has started doing everything possible to get Daddy's attention. She asks to be picked up and held all the time. 

She interrupts people when they are talking to her Daddy so that he has to turn his attention to her and she cries constantly to get his attention. At night, she consistently wakes up at 2:30 am and wants her Daddy to come lay with her. After he checks on her, he tries to come back to bed but she just cries more until he finally has to put her on the couch downstairs and lay with her there so that she won't wake the whole house up. It is getting unbearable. She does this every single night. 

It is really starting to affect my fiancé as he is not getting a good nights rest at night and we are not getting to spend nights in the same bed anymore. He is still in the process of an extremely messy divorce that has lasted for 15 months now so he coddles both of the girls whenever they are here. He has 50/50 custody with his ex so the girls are here 3-4 nights a week. This is not going to be a healthy way to start our new life together. Any suggestions? Thanks!

Shirley Cress Dudley responds: 

I’m sorry to hear you’re having a tough time. Blended families are difficult and require some extra steps to help kids adapt.  It’s hard to answer such a complicated question in a  few brief paragraph-, but I’ll give you a few basic tips:

Establish House Rules

Since you are engaged to be married, talk with the kids (with dad taking the lead) about how this new family of yours needs to establish their own set of house rules and guidelines.  You and
your fiance should discuss what expectations and guidelines are appropriate for the kids- such as not interupting adults when talking; going to bed early, if they don’t have a solid night’s sleep the night before; keeping their room cleaned up; being respectful to adults, etc.  Also discuss how this new family of your will be starting some new traditions.  Plan some fun activities for
the whole family, and create some new traditions of your own.  Remind the kids that if they don’t
respect/obey the house rules, some of these planned activities will be cancelled.  (Remind their dad to enforce the consequences of not obeying the rules, or they are just words- and the kids will soon learn they mean nothing.) Offer rewards and fun activities at the end of the week for good behavior.

The kids Are Still Grieving the Divorce

The words “15 months” and “messy divorce” explain a lot too. The kids, especially the younger one, are grieving the divorce and also very upset about their parents continual fighting.  It’s
important for their dad to talk to them and convey some basic thoughts:

• I love you. Even though Mommy and Daddy are now living in two separate
  homes, Mommy and Daddy will always love you.
• Daddy is getting married and she will be your stepmommy.  She doesn’t take the place of your mom, but
  is an extra adult in your life to love you and take care of you.
• Daddy and ____ (you) need adult time at night.  If you interupt this time, we will have to
  take some play time away during the day to make up for this.

It would also be a good idea to find a therapist who has experience with  kids and let her participate in some play therapy. It would help for her to have a 3^rd party, outside the family, to talk to and receive some help.

When divorce and remarriage occur (one or both) kids are just “bouncing off the walls”- wondering what’s happening…what are the new rules?  What is expected of me?  What’s going to happen to me?  It’s important for their Dad to talk to them and reassure them. But- this is not time to coddle them, or back off on the rules.  Kids need boundaries and guidelines- these rules actually help them feel safe and secure.  It will take a few nights, but adding some boundaries to the bedtimes and behavior of the kids will make a dramatic and positive difference in your lives. Good luck with your blended family.  I wish you the best.  If you need more assistance, try blended family coaching.

New Year's Resolutions in the Blended and Step Family

It's a new year- 2010!
Wow- 2010 already... time passes by so quickly.

This year I have several new year's resolutions:
-Maintain a blog 3-5 times a week (Maybe even go daily!!)
-Plan more active time with our entire family (Note: eating meals and watching videos don't count as active.)

What are your new year's resolutions? Have you experienced a year of frustrations in your blended family? Do you feel like you aren't doing your best as a step mom or step dad? What changes would you like to make?

You may want to consider coaching. Telephone coaching is a non-intrustive way for you and your spouse to work on specific issues in your marriage and blended family. It's not like counseling- talking about your past and working on issues from your childhood. Coaching directly address the issues that are bugging you- today, right now- in your step family.

If interested, and you want 2010 to be the year your step family finally starts blending, then email me: Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

It's going to be a great year! Why- because we will make it so!

Talk with you again soon (maybe tomorrow?)

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

What if new step parent doesn't want to parent?

A reader asks: What happens when a parent marries someone who isn't suitable for their family and they don't encourage the family to get along? What could they do?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
Unfortunately, over 50% of second marriages end in divorce. If someone marries again because they look like a great mate, but aren't interested in being a step parent- the marriage is probably not going to be successful. The new partner is automatically a brand new step parent- whether they like it or not, and has the responsibility of helping to co-parent the kids (while the kids are in their home.) If the new partner has no interest in this- it's a definite problem.

Divorced moms and dads need to remember this when they re-enter the dating scene, looking for a partner. I also highly recommend premarital counseling for all couples- but especially for blended family couples. Then, they can discuss these issues ahead of time and figure out if they are truly a good match.

For more information, check out Blended Family Advice ebook- your instruction manual for blended families.
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended Family Coach

Dixie the Step Dog

My step kids's mom decided to give away one of their dogs (due to her new marriage.) It didn't seem fair for the kids to experience a divorce, two weddings and then the loss of a dog- all in a couple of years...so, I decided we would adopt their dog.

The first day, one of my step daughter's brought Dixie over for a visit. She was a little unsure of herself and stayed close to her little 14 year old master. The second visit- we moved her in: new bed, some toys, and a rawhide.

Did I mention we already have two dogs? (a Westie/Schauzer mix- that's 9 lbs soaking wet, and a 35lb Chow Chow/Golden Retriever that's 13 years old.) In other words- a very hyper tiny dog and an old, peaceful, slow, medium dog. Dixie is a full bred German Shepherd that weighs almost as much as me! She lives outside and her job is to guard the house.

Our first full day, we brought the two dogs outside to meet their new step sister. There was a little growling and some sniffing. The second day was a little less growling and a little more sniffing.

Gradually, over the first month, the three dogs have learned to accept each other into the pack. Wouldn't it be nice if our stepfamilies could accept each other, just as easily, in only a month? Well- it helps that the new dog is only an outside dog and the other two dogs are inside dogs. (I suppose if I made the stepkids sleep outside in the garage I wouldn't be the best stepmom!)

It does take time for everyone to figure out their place in a new stepfamily. Time to figure out that, although things have changed, everyone is still loved and still has an important place in the family.

Johnny Tan's Talk Radio

I'll be the guest on Johnny Tan's Talk Radio tomorrow, 11am EST (Tuesday, May 26th.) Topic is Blended Families and Step Families.

Call in and ask questions, so you won't have to hear me talk for an entire hour :) www.fmmktalkradio.com