One of my kids just won't accept our new blended family

A blended family mom recently asked what can be done about her daughter who isn't accepting her new stepdad and the blended family. It's been several years, and all the other kids are adapting.


Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

You may not like this answer- but here is what I believe needs to happen:

Your daughter needs discipline.  She doesn’t have to like your husband or her step siblings, but she is required to be polite, friendly and respectful. If she is not, then she should experience consequences (by you- as the biological parent.)

Life changes, things happen to us that we can’t control, and we don’t like, but we have to adapt- that’s just life.  It’s time for her to learn how to adapt. As a parent, it’s your job to teach her.  By requiring her to adapt to her new blended family, you will be helping equip her for life. Don’t label her as non-adaptable- it’s basically just poor behavior and it needs to stop. She’s running the show by trying to getting things the way she wants them to be, 100% of the time- and that’s not life (not in a family, a marriage, a job, or anything.)

I recommend the book Blended Family Advice or also seeking blended family coaching, so that you have the support you need while making these changes in your parenting and in your family.

Good luck.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC FACMPE

Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

New to the Blended and Step Family Resource Center- Logan Campbell!

Hello, I'm Logan Campbell and I am so excited to come aboard the Blended and Step Family Resource Center!

I am a licensed professional counselor and high school counselor in Charlotte, NC.  I have had extensive experience working with children, teenagers and adults living in blended families and have also had personal experience as a child  living in a blended family.  I can definitely relate to the challenges- and benefits J of blended families and am passionate about empowering families to create stable and successful lives together.  

I truly look forward to hearing from you and sharing ideas on the issues you face and the successes you have made! I am available for telephone coaching and also in-person coaching in Charlotte, NC.

Thanks for welcoming me to the team! 

Logan Campbell, LPC

Coach for The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

The Blended and Step Family February 2011 Newsletter

If you haven't seen it yet, the February 2011 Blended and Step family Newsletter is available at The Blended and Step Family Resource Center.  In this month's newsletter, we discuss the importance of putting your marriage first, and keeping it a priority in your blended family.

We also have a special contest this month, to those of you that have had babies born to your blended families or step families, or have a baby due in the coming months. Submit your family photo and tell what this baby means to your blended family.  Email entries to Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com  Winner's name will be drawn February 28th, and they will me mailed a free copy of Kevin Mills, Baby Codes- 101 Winning Combinations to Help Your Baby Sleep. 

Good luck!  Send your blended or step family friends to the contest, if they have a new baby or are expecting a baby.  Details listed in The Blended and Step Family Newsletter- February 2011. 

Stepmom wonders about balance Blended Family Time

A stepmom asks:

I have a boyfriend with 2 kids that are under 18. I get along well with both kids.  I do not have kids of my own – my decision I am 44.  This is the first time I have had children in my life.  I am an only child and I was very up front and honest with my boyfriend about who I am, my personality, being an only child my life is about “me”  I am black and white little room for grey etc.  Our relationship moved quickly and we have been living together almost 2 years.  During some “learning curves” on my end, I was asked to include the kids in my life and I have almost 100%.  We have them on the every other weekend deal.  I honestly don’t think I am having “kid” issues as much as I am having relationship issues.

Okay here is my question – is it okay for the three of them to make plans and not include me and not ask me to go – even though I would not have gone.  Their plans are usually last minute type things and just leave me at home.

I feel left out, not included, and a little used for when I am needed.  I brought it up a few times as it has happened before and I get they are my kids.  I need to be able to do things with them without feeling guilty.  Should I be feeling left out here?  It is NOT all the time, but when it happens it is out of the blue and never any notice.  I am the planner – he is not.  I am the communicator and he is not.  I found out we were getting the kids for a 4-dayer by the 16 year old not my boyfriend.  I am really, really new at the kid thing and I think I try really hard – actually I was told I try to hard and do too much.  I just throw up my hands – thoughts? 

I try to find resources, but I am not a step mom, I am not a mom. 

Thanks.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

You really have a good perspective on this and have thought through it very thoroughly.

Your question is valid and I can answer it with some key principles for you and your boyfriend to follow:

A blended family needs balance- balance of couple time, parent/child time, and blended family time.  The couple takes priority (to give the kids a good example of a lasting relationship, and if the relationship isn’t working- nothing else really matters.)  The goal is for the couple to work together to do what’s best for the family.

Look for a balance during each visit with the kids:

• Couple time:  even if it is the kid’s weekend, there should be some couple time planned in that weekend, staying up later together, getting up early for coffee together, to just taking a few minutes out of each day to connect and talk.
• Parent/Child time:  it’s important for your boyfriend to spend time with his kids (without you.)  This doesn’t mean that when they visit, everything else is cancelled and the sole focus is on them, but it does mean running errands together, or maybe catching a movie together every now and then, or just playing basketball for 30 minutes together.
• Blended Family time:  it’s also important for you as a whole family to spend time together.  Even though they aren’t your kids, you are co-parenting as their stepmom, and should be an active part of their lives.

The tough part is figuring out the right balance. (Just a hint:  I’ve never had a blended family couple with problems that had too much couple time, it’s usually the ones who have too much parent/child or too much blended family time that have the issues.)

Since you are a planner and your boyfriend is not- then you could use your planning skills to help him with balance. “Honey, I understand the kids are coming this weekend. What time do you want to spend with them, alone- and what sort of things could we do as a blended family?  Here are my ideas…..” 

and, don’t forget, both of you, to spend time together, as a couple, each day, (dedicated- just the two of you) even if the kids are there.

As far as him doing an activity with the kids and not inviting you- the two of you should discuss the weekend, in advance, even if it’s an informal conversation.  (If he plans on spending Saturday morning with the kids, and you agree- then theoretically he could do any activity, within reason, and not mention it to you…. But, it would be nice to mention what he was thinking about, and then ask you if you want to be included.)

I hope that helps. Other resources are reading the articles on my website, getting the book Blended Family Advice, or also, for a little comic relief (laugh out loud, but slightly irreverent perspective-) The Package Deal:  My (no-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom by Izzy Rose (Amazon.com) or her website Step Mother’s Milk.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Consultant for  Performance Online Marketing Services

My fiancé is still posing for family photos with his ex-spouse

A future blended mom asks:

help!  My fiancé is still posing, each year, for Christmas family photos with his ex-wife and his kids. They also celebrate Christmas together, each year. He doesn't see any harm in it, and says the kids like it. I don't think this is right- what can I do?

Shirley Cress Dudley Responds:

You are right, your fiancé does not belong in family photos of family that no longer exists.  Some parents believe that by celebrating the holidays together (even though they are divorced) is best for the kids.  In reality- it’s cruel to the kids.  By continuing to celebrate Christmas together, and taking group/family photos, it gives the kids hope that mom and dad may be together again someday (every child’s hope and dream.)

If both parents have remarried, (or are engaged) and everyone can attend and will get along- then it’s fine for everyone to be there, as long as it’s everyone.

It’s time for your fiancé to have his own Christmas celebrations. I don’t know how long this has been going on, but as soon as he separated from his ex, he should have begun celebrating the holidays separately.  The kids need to see the “new world” and that includes dad as a single person, and one who, as an adult, can celebrate birthdays and other holidays, in his own home. Now that you are engaged, it should be a celebration with you, your fiancé and all of your kids- if that’s possible. If not possible, then make sure once you are married you celebrate together as a blended family.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Best Visitation Schedule for My 18 Month Old

A newly separated mom asks:

 

My son's father and I are trying to come up with a reasonable visitation schedule that is best for my son. He wanted to do Mon, Wed, Friday and every other Sunday. I want a schedule with stability for him, and I don't think switching back and forth every other day is stability. I have never done this before so I want to know some sort of visitation schedule that would be best for a 18 month old.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

Deciding the best visitation schedule can be tough.  I agree with you that every other day could be confusing for your son and also confusing for you and your ex-spouse

There are several different types of visitation schedules that seem to be common among blended families: Shared Visitation: one week with one parent, and then one week with the other parent.  Primary Custody: one parent has primary custody and the other parent sees the child every other weekend and 1-2 days (Tuesday and Thursday, or Wednesday) during the week.

What's important is that your son has a relationship with both mom and dad.  You don't have to like your ex-spouse, but it's important to encourage your child to have a relationship with his dad, and speak positively about those visits.

You can try several different schedules until the two of you agree on what works out best for you and your ex. Your child will be fine with any of the schedules I mentioned, and most likely the schedule you mentioned also.  (He would probably be the one the least confused.)

If you keep the main goal in mind, a relationship with both parents, any of these options will be fine.

Kindest Regards-

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Blended and Step Family Holiday Contest

This week only- send in your blended family holidays photos or step family holiday memories and you will be entered in our drawing.


Prizes include:  Holiday Survival Kit for Blended and Step Families, Blended Family Advice- the book, and 30 minute mini-session with Shirley Cress Dudley to answer your holiday question.


Share your wonderful blended family photos, or memories of great holiday times in your step family. You will encourage and strengthen another family- and you also might win a prize!


Go to The Blended and Step Family Resource Center for more information about the contest.
Good Luck!

Holidays Tensions Rising in The Blended Family or Step Family?

Is your blended family having trouble figuring out the Thanksgiving break?  Are you and your ex-spouse already arguing about the holidays?


The holidays are the toughest time of year for step families and blended families. Here are some tips that may help:
-stay rested and get enough sleep, don't over commit
-exercise and eat right
-start negotiating the holidays as early as possible with your ex-spouse
-maintain a positive attitude when talking with your ex-spouse.
-make sure you talk to your current spouse/mate before finalizing any holiday arrangements with your ex-spouse


If you need more help- check out The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, talk to a counselor, join a local support group.


Talk again soon,
Shirley 


Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC
Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Secrets to a Happy Step Family

Through the years, I've talked to hundreds (maybe thousands- I've lost count) of blended and step families. I noticed a similar pattern in all of them. There is one underlying principle that keeps a step family strong and successful.

What is the underlying principle?  What is the secret?  The secret is to keep your marriage in the center of the family and in the center of the marriage. If you focus too much time on the kids, in ex-spouse, or your parents, your marriage will suffer. It sounds easy- but it's not.

Most parents have been own their own for several years, some have even fought to have custody or time with their kids. When they remarry, it's tough to change that focus and look back towards the marriage.  Keeping the marriage a priority gives kids an excellent example of what a healthy marriage should be.

If the primary focus is on the kids, children grow up in a unrealistic world, one that gives them everything they want- as soon as they ask. That world is not real- and will cause more problems than you can image.

Do you want to solve most of your blended or step family issues?  Put your marriage first.

Talk with you again soon,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Blended Family- New School Year- Time for Change in Your Step Family

StepFamily- Time for Change

It's a new school year, and a great time to make some changes in your blended family.

Some of you have already sent your kids back to school, and a few of you are a couple of days away from the first day of the fall semester. It’s a great time of year to get back to a normal schedule, start fresh, and make any necessary changes in your step family or blended family:

• Are you ready to establish or change some family rules in your stepfamily?

• Do your kids and step kids need some help respecting the adults in the home?

• Is your marriage a priority in your blended family?

• Have you figured out how to balance your time with your spouse, kids and step kids?

• Do you and your spouse need to re-negotiate your co-parenting techniques?

• Is it time to create more boundaries with your ex-spouse?

The beginning of a new school year is a great time to make these changes. Help your stepfamily become more successful by using the start of a school year to change a few things around the house. Make sure you and your spouse discuss these changes, and agree, before talking to the kids. Below is a free podcast that will give you and your spouse ideas on how you can make some positive changes in your stepfamily.

Free Podcast

I'm offering in August a podcast on Making changes in your step family. This podcast will be free until Monday, August 29th 9am Eastern. After that time, I’ll put it for sale with the other resource materials. Here’s the link to download your free podcast: http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com/podcast

Free Stuff and Great Step Family Events:

Are you missing out on free stuff and special events at The Resource Center?

• On Facebook, do you “like or friend” Shirley Cress Dudley and The Blended and Step Family Resource Center?

• Do you follow @MarriageNFamily on Twitter?

The reason I ask is that sometimes I offer special events through Facebook and Twitter. If you are following me on these sites, you will hear about the events as soon as they begin.

Last month, we did a one day drawing. Stepfamilies submitted photos of their beautiful stepfamilies and also their summer time tips. Three names were drawn and these three families won a free copy of the book Blended Family Advice.

Congratulations to:

• The Hetchler blended family from Ohio
• Colleen Riggle’s blended family from Georgia
• Lisa Teal-Web’s blended family (aka Buckeye Bonus Mom) from Ohio

You can see their photos, great summer tips, and a video created from these photos at this Step Family Summer Photos and Tips link.

Talk with you again soon.

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, Charlotte North Carolina

Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Follow us on Twitter at MarriageNFamily (over 34,000 followers!)

Quick Links

• Articles and Newsletters for Blended and Step Families: http://www.theblendedandstepfamilyresourcecenter.com/articlesandnewsletters

• Reader Contributions: http://www.blendedfamilyadvice.com/readercontributions

• Step Family Coaching: http://www.TheBlendedAndStepfamilyResourceCenter.com/coaching

Step Mom asks about keeping deceased moms photos in the house

A Step Mom Asks: I married a man 3 years ago who became a widower when his wife died suddenly, 6 years ago.  His children were 17 and 25 at the time of their mother's death. We purchased a new home, and while going through old boxes, found lots of photos of his deceased wife.  His adult daughter wants us to display the photos of her mom in our home, and is refusing to come to our home if we don't put the photos out. My husband feels stuck in the middle.  I don't feel supported in this.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

Blended families are tough, especially when a parent dies.  You want to honor the deceased parent, and yet maintain your place as wife and mother in this home.

When you and your husband married, the two of you become the center of the family.  You and your husband become the center of his former nuclear family and you and your husband become the center of the decisions made around you and your kids.  You are the wife and mother of this home and this new family. 

I understand the daughter’s desire to keep her mother’s photos, and that is understandable.  If you and your husband have room, then, by all means, keep them in storage for the kids.  Encourage them, at some point (maybe even giving them a deadline) to collect the photos and take them to their homes. This is part of being an adult and creating your own home and family.  You husband may want to keep some (which is fine- this is his nuclear family and one that existed for many years) – but it is not appropriate for these photos of the former family to be displayed in your home.

As the mother and wife of this home, it is inappropriate for a former wife (even if she is deceased) to be publically displayed in your home. If any of the kids were still living in the home, it would be appropriate for them to have photos of their mother in their room (but not family/group photos.) Your youngest child should be able to have a photo or two of his (her) father in his room.  You are honoring their deceased mother by keeping photo albums and photos, but there is no need for these photos (however lovely) to be displayed in your home.  Again, this is your and your husband’s home.  He cannot have two wife’s photos, or two sets of family photos displayed in this home.

Kids, even adult kids, will push the limits in a blended family.  They will see if their dad is going to choose you over them.  They want to see who is “loved more” or “more important” to him.  It is of extreme importance that you and your husband don’t engage in this competition.  There is no competition between a father’s love for his kids and a man’s love for his wife.  The mom and dad (husband and wife) are in charge of this family, and they (you and your husband) make the primary decisions in this family. All kids are loved, and their place in the family has not changed- they are still your kids. The two of you will parent (and co-parent) your kids (and stepkids) to the best of your ability- together.

I understand your husband’s conflicted feelings, but it’s time to put the photos back in storage, and your husband tell his kids how much he loves them, and how much he loved their mother. But- their mother is dead now, and he has remarried. He should explain that he and his new wife are creating a home and a life together.  If the daughter refused to come to your home, then (although this is very tough, it’s really what is best) your husband should tell her he loves her and will be waiting to see her, when she is ready.  He should not push her, or offer to meet her somewhere else, but stand firm in his commitment to you and his new blended family.  When she protests, he should continue to tell her how much he loves her, and wants her to be a part of his blended family, and will hope that she will understand and realize it’s the right decision for everyone.

I hope that helps.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Step Families and Blended Family Summer Activities

Step Family News Special

BC Producer, Katie Distler, is looking for step families in which the couples are in their 50's.  She is going to do a news report on step families. If interested, email Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com and she will pass along the information.

Beautiful Step Family Photos and Summer time Tips for Your Blended Family

Have you seen the great photos of step families on The Blended and Step Family Resource Center website?  Come check out these beautiful step family photos.

Summertime tips for blended and step families:

• With four teenagers, it's hard to get everyone together, especially when we only see two of them a couple of weekends a month. So we always make that Saturday "Family Cookout Time."  Everyone helps plan, prepare and make the meal.  Then we swim before they all run off to be with friends.
• Spend the day with family having a water gun fight, slip n slide.. grilling out and making ice cream sundaes.
• Don't forget to spend time with your spouse, the kids can play for a little while.
• Any kind of craft or art project.
• Encourage stepkids to call their biological mom or biological dad while on vacation. Their connection is very important. Have them send postcards or pick up little gifts for younger siblings that are not with them.
• Rent a movie and have a family moving night.
• Try not to over schedule when planning a holiday with the kids.  Leave time for goofing around at a playground, running through a sprinkler, going for a walk or a swim, or playing a pick up game of baseball or soccer.  I have found that doing these things really makes the kids happy, and they don't require a lot of money or planning, just your time, which is what they want most of all.
• Anything that's free!  We scan the local newspaper for free family concerts, movies, and fairs.
• Camping is a great way for a blended family to spend time together. You work together, depend on one another, laugh and create memories and shared experiences. (And we have a rule: no electronics.)
• Stay hydrated! Summer is a hot time in many states and drinking plenty of fluids is important!
• Don't forget bedtime- cranky kids are not happy kids.
• A family that plays together stays together!
• You are going to forget something, the kids are going to fight and bicker, it might be raining, you may be feeling the world is against you, but take a minute to enjoy these little moments and treasure them for all they are worth, even in the times that all seems not to be going well – realize at least you have you family together right there, to love, and that’s all that matters in the end.
• We set aside an hour, each day, for summer reading. I read to the little ones, and the older ones read to themselves.
• Since we have so many little ones, I was nervous to get a swimming pool in the backyard, so I gathered a bunch of large tupperware containers, plastic storage boxes (like the ones you put under the bed) and gave the kids the hose. They spent hours filling 'em, dumping 'em, floating different toys in them, or using them for personal outdoor bathtubs!
• 
  
• When on a road trip, we rent audio books, and listen to them as we drive.  It makes great conversation when we stop to eat, and keeps the kids quiet while we are driving  

MTV casting for a stepfamily with teenagers

The Step Family Project
Are you a soon-to-be or recent stepparent with teenage kids

on both sides?  Are your kids creative, outgoing and ready to have some fun documenting the experience of blending families?

Our show will be told from your kid’s points of view as they film all of the action that’ll go on in your new lives, all living under one roof!  Armed with a flip-cam, this is their chance to show the audience that it’s not so easy to blend into a new family!  You and your new husband are along for the ride, too, as we’ll see your reactions to your kids as they figure it all out!

For more info send us photos and an email describing your story!  We want to know about your personality, your issues and your family dynamic!

CONTACT:

Stepfamily Casting Department

(626) 535-0868 x 316

To apply for the show send your story to:

Stepfamilycasting@mikemathisprods.com

There is compensation for participation

Blended Families Matter- Happy July 4th

Happy July 4th, our USA Independence Day, from our family to yours.

Shirley Cress Dudley, director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Son uses Step Dad's Last Name in School

A dad recently asked:

My son is using his stepdad's last name in school.  My ex-wife is a teacher there, and she said that it is not illegal to have an "alias" last name at school, and she wants her (my) son to use her new husband's last name. I want him to use his rightful last name- what can I do?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

This is a tough one. It's disheartening to hear that your child is using the new husband's last name, when you are still the biological father (and I'm assuming scheduling visits and paying child support.)  I understand your frustration.

I can see, though, why your ex-wife would want to use her new husband's last name with your son.  It makes is easier for the other faculty members to know that she is the mother of your son, and other students will be aware too. It's wonderful that she is proud of him and wants to be associated, at school, with her son.

But- I agree with you- unless they have changed his name legally, your son should be called by his correct last name. Call the school principal or vice principal and state your concern. Inform them of your son's correct legal last name and ask for him to be enrolled and addressed by that name. Also, while you are talking with them, make sure they have your correct contact information.

Ask for a school calendar so you can keep up with special events, "visit the school" day, and parent/teacher meeting days.

Blended families are tough, but you are still his father and have a right to be active in his life, and for him to carry your name. Don't be discouraged, be proactive and contact the school in your friendliest and cooperative voice- and I'm sure you will be able to get things changed.

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
http://www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has opened a Charlotte, North Carolina office

 
The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has opened an office in Charlotte, North Carolina

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center is excited to announce the opening of a new office in Charlotte, North Carolina.  The office will be located at 6135 Park South Drive, Suite 510, Charlotte NC 28210.

Shirley Cress Dudley, director of The Resource Center will be offering face-to-face blended and step family coaching at this location.  Children and teenager groups will also be offered in the next six months.
Ms. Dudley is a licensed professional counselor, with a master’s degree in marriage and family counseling, and a master’s degree in education, the internationally known author of Blended Family Advice, and has years of experience as a  step mom.

“Due to multiple requests, The Blended and Step Family Resource Center will have a bricks and mortar location in the south Charlotte area. We will be able to coach blended and step families and also offer support groups for parents and kids.  Telephone coaching and the online resources will be available to those outside of the Charlotte area,” states director Shirley Cress Dudley.

About The Blended and Step Family Resource Center:
The Blended and Step Family Resource Center offers a free monthly newsletter, along with podcasts, webinars, articles and a reader’s forum.

Statistics:
Approximately 2,100 new blended families form every day in America. More than 20+ million Blended Family households exist today and that number grows daily.  The blended family is now the most common form of family unit in our nation.  130+ million Americans are either in or have been in a blended family of some form (through re-marriage, adoption, foster home, etc.)  60% of second marriages end in divorce. (Statistics taken from the American Blended Family Association and population and census records.)


Contact Information:
Shirley Cress Dudley, director
Telephone:  704-541-1225
Address: 6135 Park South Drive, Suite 510
Charlotte, NC 28210 
Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

What's the difference in coaching and counseling?

My wife and I need some help with our blended family. We see that you offer coaching, and we really need some counseling- we think. What's the difference?  We just need some help!


The best example I can think of is an adult playing softball, a Saturday afternoon, with the company softball team.  He/She strikes out, repeatedly, and basically has a terrible experience that day. Counseling would talk with this person about the experience:  "How did striking out feel?" " What memories of your childhood did it bring to mind?" 
 
Although these are great questions, and I highly value counseling, this is not what we do at The Blended and Step Family Resource Center. We do coaching.  Coaching is more direct and solution oriented: "Hold your head down a bit, and look at the ball; raise your elbow as you hold the bat...."  
 
Do you see the difference?  Both are great, but blended and step families need help now, and we're here to direct and guide you, to be your coach, with our proven experience and knowledge, to successfully guide your blended family.

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Need a counselor in Charlotte for your stepfamily?

Are you looking for a counselor in Charlotte, North Carolina for your stepfamily?  Having problems with your blended family and need some local help?  Help is here!

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center has opened a location in Charlotte, North Carolina. We are located across from South Park on Park South Drive. Below is the address:

The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

6135 Park South Drive

Suite 510

Charlotte, NC 28210

Available hours for coaching are Tuesday afternoons and Thursday mornings- at this time. Call 704-541-1225 to schedule an appointment.

Shirley Cress Dudley is the director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, an LPC (licensed professional counselor) with masters degrees in education and also marriage and family counseling.  She also has personal experience as part of a blended family and being a stepmom. She understands the many issues for blended and step families.

Daughter doesn't want a step mom

A soon-to-be step mom asks:
I just need little advice. I am engaged to my fiancé, and he has a 7year old. He believes I resent his daughter because she is from a different woman. I truly don't resent his daughter, but I will admit some of my actions do seem as if I resent her. I do try and keep my space when his daughter is around only because she can be rude and pretty demanding at times towards me. We have a good relationship, but there are times I just do not want to be around her.

I love and care for her very much, I just want to prepare myself to be a good step mom. Can you provide some guidance on how to help her understand that it is not okay for her to talk to me in a disrespectful way? Also, how should my fiancé respond to his daughter when she comments that, "he should not have a girlfriend," and why isn't he with his mommy?" Please provide some guidance for us.

Shirley Cress Dudley, Blended and Step Family Expert responds:
Yes- blended families are difficult. Here are some tips for you to make it easier.

His daughter may still be grieving the separation of mommy and daddy. It’s important for your fiancé to convey to his daughter that he loves her, and even though he’s not with her mommy, he will always be her daddy, and will always love her. He can encourage her to talk about this. As long as she is respectful, it’s fine for her to share her angry, confused thoughts.

It’s also important for her daddy to start talking to her about how he wants to be with you and get married. He should discuss this with excitement and tell he how happy you make him. Involve her in the wedding planning- like picking out her dress, or talking about her carrying flowers at the wedding.

He should discuss how marrying you creates a new family and this family will have house rules. Some of these rules are- obeying and respecting adults, and not being rude to adults. Make sure there are consequences to poor behavior, and the consequences should be enforced by her dad. You should concentrate on building the relationship at this time and let him be the bad guy. He should tell his daughter that you don’t replace her mom, but will be her stepmommy- another adult to love her and take care of her.

It’s fine for you to not want to spend all your time with her. You need balance: time alone, time with your fiancé and time with your soon-to-be blended family. He needs the same- time alone, time with you, daughter/daddy time, and blended family time. Balance is the key.

Poor behavior should not be tolerated. Times of change (such as parent’s separating, and remarriage) have children bouncing around- not understanding what’s going on. They need boundaries and guidelines. These boundaries (or rules) give them security and a sense of stability. It’s not time to let her get away with rudeness in actions or words.

I hope this helps. If all this isn’t enough, I recommend checking out my book, Blended Family Advice, and also considering some coaching. My website also has lots of information- articles, newsletters, stories and poems from other blended families. I’m also running a special- just for engaged couples or blended families that have been together less than 2 years.

I think you’ll find a lot of help there. Here’s the link:

http://www.blendedfamilyadvice.com

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Having Trouble Planning Your Summer in a Blended or Step Family

• Are you having trouble with the visitation arrangements in your blended or step family? 
• Do you wonder what's really best for your child?
• What about your feelings?  Are you struggling with letting your child go for a few weeks, over the summer?

Here's an article on Summer Visitation schedules. It will help you make good decisions on your summer visitation plans in your blended or step family.  If you have any questions, after reading the article, send me an email, and I'll post the response here on the blog.
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com