Should child call his stepdad "Daddy?"

A concerned family member asks:

What do you think about a 3 year old calling his mom’s fiancé “Daddy?”  The real daddy has been in jail for two years awaiting trial on charges brought by the 3 yrs old mom when the dad was trying to break up with her.  The trial was conducted in late September and the real dad was found innocent of all charges and released.  The real dad now has supervised visitation 2 days per work and plans on being an active part of his son's life and is being re-introduced as "Daddy" to his son.

The mom's fiancé has been around the little boy for 15 - 16 months and calls the him daddy. The mom and real dad do not talk or see each other due to a restraining order filed by the mom 7 months ago while the dad was still in jail.

Any advice on how to handle in the best interest of the little boy is appreciated.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

I know the biological dad may be concerned about his son calling his ex-wife’s fiancé “daddy”- but don’t worry. Little children are very flexible and logically need to have a mommy and a daddy in their home. The 3 year old won’t have a problem calling both “daddy.”  It should be explained to him, though, that although both men love him very much, his real daddy, the one who was there when he was born and is related to him is his biological dad.

Please tell the biological dad not to worry. His son will always be his son. I encourage him to rebuild a relationship with his son and spend quality time with him.  He could refer to the other man as “the daddy in mom’s house” so his son could hear the difference between the two men.

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Author of Blended Family Advice- the step-by-step guide for blended and step families to help them become strong and successful.

Son uses Step Dad's Last Name in School

A dad recently asked:

My son is using his stepdad's last name in school.  My ex-wife is a teacher there, and she said that it is not illegal to have an "alias" last name at school, and she wants her (my) son to use her new husband's last name. I want him to use his rightful last name- what can I do?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

This is a tough one. It's disheartening to hear that your child is using the new husband's last name, when you are still the biological father (and I'm assuming scheduling visits and paying child support.)  I understand your frustration.

I can see, though, why your ex-wife would want to use her new husband's last name with your son.  It makes is easier for the other faculty members to know that she is the mother of your son, and other students will be aware too. It's wonderful that she is proud of him and wants to be associated, at school, with her son.

But- I agree with you- unless they have changed his name legally, your son should be called by his correct last name. Call the school principal or vice principal and state your concern. Inform them of your son's correct legal last name and ask for him to be enrolled and addressed by that name. Also, while you are talking with them, make sure they have your correct contact information.

Ask for a school calendar so you can keep up with special events, "visit the school" day, and parent/teacher meeting days.

Blended families are tough, but you are still his father and have a right to be active in his life, and for him to carry your name. Don't be discouraged, be proactive and contact the school in your friendliest and cooperative voice- and I'm sure you will be able to get things changed.

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
http://www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

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