Should child call his stepdad "Daddy?"

A concerned family member asks:

What do you think about a 3 year old calling his mom’s fiancé “Daddy?”  The real daddy has been in jail for two years awaiting trial on charges brought by the 3 yrs old mom when the dad was trying to break up with her.  The trial was conducted in late September and the real dad was found innocent of all charges and released.  The real dad now has supervised visitation 2 days per work and plans on being an active part of his son's life and is being re-introduced as "Daddy" to his son.

The mom's fiancé has been around the little boy for 15 - 16 months and calls the him daddy. The mom and real dad do not talk or see each other due to a restraining order filed by the mom 7 months ago while the dad was still in jail.

Any advice on how to handle in the best interest of the little boy is appreciated.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

I know the biological dad may be concerned about his son calling his ex-wife’s fiancé “daddy”- but don’t worry. Little children are very flexible and logically need to have a mommy and a daddy in their home. The 3 year old won’t have a problem calling both “daddy.”  It should be explained to him, though, that although both men love him very much, his real daddy, the one who was there when he was born and is related to him is his biological dad.

Please tell the biological dad not to worry. His son will always be his son. I encourage him to rebuild a relationship with his son and spend quality time with him.  He could refer to the other man as “the daddy in mom’s house” so his son could hear the difference between the two men.

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Author of Blended Family Advice- the step-by-step guide for blended and step families to help them become strong and successful.

Problems with StepKids

A blended mom asks:
My fiance and I have 2 children together ages 3 and 5. He also has 3 older children from previous relationships ages 7, 8 and 12. Since my first child was born, he has accused me and HIS family of treating his children by me better than his other children. Of course his family and I feel that that is not true.

His other children, my stepkids, live in another state. The problem is that his children do spend summers here. I love his children, but the 7-year-old has never respected me, nor do I trust her around my children unsupervised. For example, this summer, I saw her trying to convince my 3-year-old to eat something that could have hurt him. My 3-year-old had enough sense to tell her that he didn't want it because he thought it was medicine. She was telling him that it was candy. Even her older sister told them that it was medicine and that he shouldn't eat it, but the 7-year-old was insisting that it was candy. Of course, I chimed in and told them to throw it away whatever it was. (This happened while we were visiting the 7 and 8 year-old's home). I have not yet mentioned this to my fiance.. This is not the first incident that we have had concerning her, and it always causes us to argue.

Furthermore, when he fights with the other biological moms, he threatens to fight for full custody of the other kids. I feel like I have enough on my shoulders raising my two children let alone 2 or 3 other step-children that have perfectly capable mothers. Do you think this blended family can work, or should we hold off on getting married?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
I read through your question several times and I’m not sure where to start. I’ll try to answer your questions even though I don’t think I have the whole picture. (Not your fault – it’s just difficult through email.)

O.K.- here’s what I think-

I believe if you have two kids together, you ought to try to make it work, and ought to get married. I do believe that the commitment of marriage improves the relationship and also the relationships with the ex-spouses.

Talk with your husband about family rules. When kids are in your home (biological or step) they should abide by your family rules. You and your husband should spend some dedicated time together and develop these rules. Present your house rules to the kids along with consequences of them disobeying. Each child should follow the same rules. Check out Blended Family Advice book for more information.

As far as your husband’s perception of your/his kids being treated better than the kids from previous marriages, it may be because these kids live with you. It is easy to love, spend time with, and do things for the kids that are living with us. He can’t take it personally, if the other kids only visit and are not there full time. Tell him that the two of you can treat all the kids equally and also remind the relatives to do so (and that you prefer it) if you see your biological kids getting any preferences or extra attention. (Now- attention due to proximity is different. If the relatives are spending more time with your biological kids because they are living near them, just remember to bring the stepkids around these relatives when they are visiting.) It is tough, but treat them as equally as possible and remind your relatives that you want them to do the same.

Remember that your relationship (and future marriage) should take priority. If you focus on your relationship, the rest of the family will do better. Talk with your husband about your concerns about the 7 year old. Start off with, “I love ____, but there’s something I need to tell you about her that makes me uncomfortable. I need for us, as a couple, to figure out what to do.” He is on your side, your team- so, talk with him about your concerns. I know it sounds difficult to raise all of the kids (it’s unlikely that he will win full custody) but if it happens, it may actually be easier to parent your stepkids if they are in the house full time. Talk the positives/negatives over with your husband about this also.

I hope that helped, and addressed most of the issues you mentioned in your email. If your issues continue, you may want to consider coaching. www.blendedfamilyadvice.com/coachingwithshirleydudley