Tuesday, January 26, 2010

January 2010 Blended and Step Family newsletter

The January 2010 Blended and Step Family Newsletter is available now.

If you've been doing the same thing over and over, and not getting the results you want in your blended or step family- then it's time for change. Here are some actions you can take to help your family:
*Go to the articles section of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center and look for articles to answer your questions.
*Purchase a copy of Blended Family Advice.
*Get coaching for your family.

2010 is a new year- and it can be a positive one for you and your family, if you take action and make it happen!
Shirley
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
Author of Blended Family Advice

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Finding a New Year's Resolution for the Blended and Step Family

"Fear less, Hope more; Whine less, breath more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more."  Swedish proverb.


I found this anonymous quote on the internet, the other day and sent it back into the world on Facebook, Linked-In and Twitter.  Several folks commented that it was a wonderful statement for the New Year and could be a great New Year’s Resolution.

So- what do these words mean to me for the New Year?

Fear Less, Hope More
Whine Less, Breath More
Focus on the positive and don’t dwell on the negative.  If we stay stagnant in the past, ruminating on our old mistakes and mishaps- we can’t move forward to the future.  We can learn from our mistakes and progress to a more positive outcome.  If your blended or step family wasn't as happy as you would want last year- make changes this year!  Look for ways to view life more positively.  There are a lot of difficulties of forming a blended family- but look on the positive side- you have a new family... a chance to start over and do it right this time.

Talk Less, Say More
How many times do we listen to someone say the same thing, over and over?  How many times is that person ourselves?   Think about your thoughts and make them meaningful.

Remember- our actions speak louder than our words.   If we say one thing and do another, our credibility is lost.   Model the behavior you believe. Live your life by your actions, not just your words.  Your mate is watching, your kids and stepkids are watching. Set an example to them of how you want everyone treated in your stepfamily.

Hate Less, Love More
Focusing on negative thoughts, holding grudges, and storing anger uses up our energy in pointless frustration and worry. Treat others as you would like to be treated.  Try to think of life from other's perspective. I know you are probably having difficult days with your ex, but try to love them (yes I said love them) in the name of your child.  You are co-parents together, and although you no longer have a romantic relationship, you have a responsibility to do the best you can to parent your children.

I agree, this old Swedish proverb is a great way to start the year!

If you need help, send me an email or comment....
Shirley


Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended and Step Family Coach



Shirley Cress Dudley is a marriage and family therapist.  She is the founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center and author of Blended Family Advice. Shirley has a passion for helping blended and stepfamilies grow strong and be successful.  Sign up for our Free newsletter and receive a Free Report- Top Ten Worst Mistakes You Can Make in Your Blended Family
http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Step Family Coach, Shirley Cress Dudley

I was asked today, "Why did you become a step family coach?"  I thought that was a wonderful question, so it's my blog topic for today. 

I'm an LPC (licensed professional counselor) in the state of North Carolina.  I have counseled couples, families (with children as young as 5 years old participating) and individuals for many years. Some of my families were remarried and blended families, also called step families.  I listened to their concerns and their goals and thought I was doing a pretty good job of counseling them.

A decade into my counseling career, my marriage ended and I became a statistic- another divorced mom with kids.  I took a break from counseling for a couple of  years- I didn't feel worthy to help people at that time. After 2 years, I realized that no one is perfect- we all make mistakes.  I knew that, even as a divorced counselor, I could still help others, so I returned to the field of counseling.



Several years later, I met a wonderful man and decided to give marriage another try.  I was scared, but really wanted to try again. We married and became a blended family of 5 kids.

I knew blending a family is tough from my counseling experiences- but I really never knew how tough it was until I experienced it myself- UGHH!  It was sooo hard!  I was a step mom, with step kids, and had two completely different families trying to blend into one.  

Our first year was the hardest- and then we began to get things worked out.  It helped to be a counselor, (but of course the hardest person to counsel is yourself and your own family!)  I learned a lot.  What I learned most importantly was that I never really understood how hard it is to have a step family until I experienced it myself.


I looked on the internet at the available resources.  There were many great websites out there to vent, (especially for step moms,) but very few resources for counseling from educated professionals.  I decided I would focus my counseling on blended and step families. 


I also decided that coaching would be more appropriate for blended and step families.  When your new marriage is in trouble and your step family is falling apart- you need help- fast.  You need direct guidance and advice to save your marriage and family.  Sooooo- I became a step family coach (or blended family coach- your choice.)


I love talking with folks who have remarried and want to make their new family successful.  I can hear in their voices the love they have for their spouse, and yet their frustrations with putting their families together.


It's especially exciting to listen as families get better... healthier...stronger- and each day is no longer a battle.  



If you're having trouble in your step family- get help now.  I wrote a book, Blended Family Advice, using all the stories I heard from step families (and my own blended family stories.) I heard a common "thread" in all of those stories, developed some theories, and wrote a book that will help blended families with their issues. 


I also offer telephone coaching to those who want to talk with me directly.  2010 is a new year- make it a good one!
Talk with you again soon,
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Your blended and step family coach

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Problems with visiting step son

A reader asks:
I have a problem with my stepson. This is our 3rd Christmas together. He normally lives in Florida with his mom.  Every year when he comes it's always a huge eruption in the harmony of our holidays. He compares what he gets to what my children get. We always spend about the same on each.

He has said many times to my kids..."that's my dad, stop trying to steal my dad."  He gets a hateful attitude if he wants us to buy him something and we don't buy it.

Nothing is ever enough. His dad & mom were divorced when he was 2 and his mom moved them to Florida. His dad will visit him there and he will also visit us here. His dad (my spouse) feels guilty for not being there constantly. So I think he let's him get away with being disrespectful and hateful sometimes because of that. He doesn't appreciate anything and says rude things when he doesn't get his way. I don't want to be the wicked step mother and be the reason he doesn't want to come back and visit his dad. I am much more strict on my children. They are corrected if they are rude or disrespectful.  Help me. I want to enjoy my vacation and our family holidays and this always ruins it and disrupts it.
Thanks,
A Step Mom


Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
I'm sorry your stepson is disrupting the holidays. I'm sure it's really frustrating and doesn't help the relationship with your husband either.

I'm going to send you some tips on how to improve the situation.  If it's not enough (blended families don't usually just have an easy "quick fix") I would recommend coaching for you and your husband, after the holidays.

Here are my thoughts:
It's difficult for your husband, since he doesn't see his son often, but he should still enforce discipline and boundaries in your home, when your stepson is there, nonetheless.  It's easiest if you and he develop a set of house guidelines- one that applies to all the kids in the house.  When the stepson arrives, he should be informed of the guidelines, expectations and also consequences of disobeying these guidelines- and told that everyone is treated equally- so he has to obey the guidelines too.  I recommend that your husband (biological parent) enforce any consequences.  (This helps you- so that you are not looked at as the wicked stepmother.)

Your husband will have some trouble with this, but in reality- your stepson will feel more loved if he is given boundaries and direction, when visiting.
A noncustodial parent can have an important impact on their child(ren) even if the visits aren't very often.

Your stepson is jealous of your kids who stay, mostly full time with you and his Dad.  Your kids get time with his Dad that he doesn't get.  He is carefully looking to see if everyone is treated fairly and if he is still loved and important in his dad's life.  Ways to help this- -Welcome him warmly, when he arrives.  If he's already arrived, remind him, several times a day how happy you are that he is here with you.
-Use the phrases "our family" and "all of us" and other inclusive words to show him that he is a part of this family too, and is a welcome, loved member.
-Stress, outloud, that all gifts are equal, and everyone will be treated fairly and equally.  (He is testing you, to see if he is treated fairly.  If you say it for him, outloud, he won't protest so much.) -Arrange some daddy/son dedicated time during the visit.  This is really a long topic- but, basically, each visit should have a balance between couple time, blended family time, and dedicated parent/child time.  Balance is the key.

It would be great if your stepson could visit more often, in your home.  I know it is frustrating now, but he really needs to spend more time there, so he feels more at home and part of the family.  Remember- being part of the family doesn't mean that he gets special treatment, and can act however he wants.  Discipline and boundaries are very important. Talk with your spouse and find out if it's possible for him to visit more often.  Even if it's
not- tell your stepson how glad you are that he's here with the family, and how you wish he could come more often.

I hope these tips help.  It's tough to just send just an email to make everything right- I know it's much more difficult and complicated than that.
(It does take time.)

Talk with your husband and stress that you want a peaceful, enjoyable holidays.  Decide what expectations you have for the kids, and if they don't respect your guidelines/rules/expectations (speak as a whole- all the kids, even if your focus is intended for the stepson) and remind your 3 kids of these expectations.  Stop your family activities and enforce consequences if someone (stepson or others) disobey.  Don't treat the stepson special, but just like everyone else.

Good luck to you.  Don't forget to spend some dedicated time with your spouse over the holidays (put on a video, or put the kids to bed.)  Keeping your relationship strong will help you through this.

Kindest Regards,
Shirley

Monday, January 4, 2010

New Year's Resolutions in the Blended and Step Family


It's a new year- 2010!
Wow- 2010 already... time passes by so quickly.

This year I have several new year's resolutions:
-Maintain a blog 3-5 times a week (Maybe even go daily!!)
-Plan more active time with our entire family (Note: eating meals and watching videos don't count as active.)

What are your new year's resolutions? Have you experienced a year of frustrations in your blended family? Do you feel like you aren't doing your best as a step mom or step dad? What changes would you like to make?

You may want to consider coaching. Telephone coaching is a non-intrustive way for you and your spouse to work on specific issues in your marriage and blended family. It's not like counseling- talking about your past and working on issues from your childhood. Coaching directly address the issues that are bugging you- today, right now- in your step family.

If interested, and you want 2010 to be the year your step family finally starts blending, then email me: Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

It's going to be a great year! Why- because we will make it so!

Talk with you again soon (maybe tomorrow?)

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center