Problems with visiting step son

A reader asks:
I have a problem with my stepson. This is our 3rd Christmas together. He normally lives in Florida with his mom.  Every year when he comes it's always a huge eruption in the harmony of our holidays. He compares what he gets to what my children get. We always spend about the same on each.

He has said many times to my kids..."that's my dad, stop trying to steal my dad."  He gets a hateful attitude if he wants us to buy him something and we don't buy it.

Nothing is ever enough. His dad & mom were divorced when he was 2 and his mom moved them to Florida. His dad will visit him there and he will also visit us here. His dad (my spouse) feels guilty for not being there constantly. So I think he let's him get away with being disrespectful and hateful sometimes because of that. He doesn't appreciate anything and says rude things when he doesn't get his way. I don't want to be the wicked step mother and be the reason he doesn't want to come back and visit his dad. I am much more strict on my children. They are corrected if they are rude or disrespectful.  Help me. I want to enjoy my vacation and our family holidays and this always ruins it and disrupts it.
Thanks,
A Step Mom


Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
I'm sorry your stepson is disrupting the holidays. I'm sure it's really frustrating and doesn't help the relationship with your husband either.

I'm going to send you some tips on how to improve the situation.  If it's not enough (blended families don't usually just have an easy "quick fix") I would recommend coaching for you and your husband, after the holidays.

Here are my thoughts:
It's difficult for your husband, since he doesn't see his son often, but he should still enforce discipline and boundaries in your home, when your stepson is there, nonetheless.  It's easiest if you and he develop a set of house guidelines- one that applies to all the kids in the house.  When the stepson arrives, he should be informed of the guidelines, expectations and also consequences of disobeying these guidelines- and told that everyone is treated equally- so he has to obey the guidelines too.  I recommend that your husband (biological parent) enforce any consequences.  (This helps you- so that you are not looked at as the wicked stepmother.)

Your husband will have some trouble with this, but in reality- your stepson will feel more loved if he is given boundaries and direction, when visiting.
A noncustodial parent can have an important impact on their child(ren) even if the visits aren't very often.

Your stepson is jealous of your kids who stay, mostly full time with you and his Dad.  Your kids get time with his Dad that he doesn't get.  He is carefully looking to see if everyone is treated fairly and if he is still loved and important in his dad's life.  Ways to help this- -Welcome him warmly, when he arrives.  If he's already arrived, remind him, several times a day how happy you are that he is here with you.
-Use the phrases "our family" and "all of us" and other inclusive words to show him that he is a part of this family too, and is a welcome, loved member.
-Stress, outloud, that all gifts are equal, and everyone will be treated fairly and equally.  (He is testing you, to see if he is treated fairly.  If you say it for him, outloud, he won't protest so much.) -Arrange some daddy/son dedicated time during the visit.  This is really a long topic- but, basically, each visit should have a balance between couple time, blended family time, and dedicated parent/child time.  Balance is the key.

It would be great if your stepson could visit more often, in your home.  I know it is frustrating now, but he really needs to spend more time there, so he feels more at home and part of the family.  Remember- being part of the family doesn't mean that he gets special treatment, and can act however he wants.  Discipline and boundaries are very important. Talk with your spouse and find out if it's possible for him to visit more often.  Even if it's
not- tell your stepson how glad you are that he's here with the family, and how you wish he could come more often.

I hope these tips help.  It's tough to just send just an email to make everything right- I know it's much more difficult and complicated than that.
(It does take time.)

Talk with your husband and stress that you want a peaceful, enjoyable holidays.  Decide what expectations you have for the kids, and if they don't respect your guidelines/rules/expectations (speak as a whole- all the kids, even if your focus is intended for the stepson) and remind your 3 kids of these expectations.  Stop your family activities and enforce consequences if someone (stepson or others) disobey.  Don't treat the stepson special, but just like everyone else.

Good luck to you.  Don't forget to spend some dedicated time with your spouse over the holidays (put on a video, or put the kids to bed.)  Keeping your relationship strong will help you through this.

Kindest Regards,
Shirley