A stepmom asked recently:
I was just recently married, but been with the same man for 6 years now. We both have sons and I have known his son his whole life. His real mother has been in and out of his life, and she comes around when it is convenient for her. Every time she does show up, I have to let him see her, although I think that its just going to make more problems for him in the long run. My biggest problem is that he has structure here and rules. Every time he visits with his mother its completely different, she doesn't make him listen- she lets him walk all over her and she gives him everything he wants- no rules, no structure. He comes home thinking that it should be that way here as well, sometimes goes as far to say that he loves her more and wants to be with her. It really disrupts our blended family.
We won custody of him a long time ago due to her bad decisions to take him in bars and leave him downstairs to watch movies while she goes upstairs with men. I just don't know what to do, I have no patience for her and her stupid decisions anymore, and it's causing problems for him and my husband and me as well. I find myself being so angry and frustrated at my stepson, and his mom and everyone all the time now. what can I do??
Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
I know it's frustrating for you, but you're truly doing the right things. Providing guidelines and boundaries for your stepson show that you love him.
Since you and your husband won custody of your stepson, I would recommend setting up some visitation guidelines, or a formal visitation agreement with his biological mom. That way- she can't just come and go as she pleases.
I know your stepson is testing you when he returns from her visits, pushing the boundaries and seeing if you'll let him get away with anything. That's O.K.- maintain your houserules, and remind him that when he returns from a visit with his mom, your houserules have not changed, and your expectations of him have not changed. He will protest, but kids really do appreciate boundaries and know that you love them when you give them rules and guidelines.
Keep up the good work as a stepmom, and just be consistent, and try not to worry!
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended and Step Coach
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
Blended and Step Family Coach
http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com
Showing posts with label stepmoms. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stepmoms. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Finding a New Year's Resolution for the Blended and Step Family
"Fear less, Hope more; Whine less, breath more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more." Swedish proverb.
If you need help, send me an email or comment....
Shirley
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended and Step Family Coach
I found this anonymous quote on the internet, the other day and sent it back into the world on Facebook, Linked-In and Twitter. Several folks commented that it was a wonderful statement for the New Year and could be a great New Year’s Resolution.
So- what do these words mean to me for the New Year?
Fear Less, Hope More
Whine Less, Breath More
Focus on the positive and don’t dwell on the negative. If we stay stagnant in the past, ruminating on our old mistakes and mishaps- we can’t move forward to the future. We can learn from our mistakes and progress to a more positive outcome. If your blended or step family wasn't as happy as you would want last year- make changes this year! Look for ways to view life more positively. There are a lot of difficulties of forming a blended family- but look on the positive side- you have a new family... a chance to start over and do it right this time.
Talk Less, Say More
How many times do we listen to someone say the same thing, over and over? How many times is that person ourselves? Think about your thoughts and make them meaningful.
Remember- our actions speak louder than our words. If we say one thing and do another, our credibility is lost. Model the behavior you believe. Live your life by your actions, not just your words. Your mate is watching, your kids and stepkids are watching. Set an example to them of how you want everyone treated in your stepfamily.
Hate Less, Love More
Focusing on negative thoughts, holding grudges, and storing anger uses up our energy in pointless frustration and worry. Treat others as you would like to be treated. Try to think of life from other's perspective. I know you are probably having difficult days with your ex, but try to love them (yes I said love them) in the name of your child. You are co-parents together, and although you no longer have a romantic relationship, you have a responsibility to do the best you can to parent your children.
I agree, this old Swedish proverb is a great way to start the year!
Shirley Cress Dudley is a marriage and family therapist. She is the founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center and author of Blended Family Advice. Shirley has a passion for helping blended and stepfamilies grow strong and be successful. Sign up for our Free newsletter and receive a Free Report- Top Ten Worst Mistakes You Can Make in Your Blended Family,
http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com
Friday, December 11, 2009
Are You A Disney Dad?
Are you a “Disney Dad?”
• Do you get nervous when it’s time for your child(ren) to visit?
• Do you want everything to be perfect and your child(ren) happy at all times?
• Do you try to make wonderful plans, over the top, AMAZING activities each time they come over?
• Do you ignore your spouse and other family members during the visit?
If you answered yes to at least two of these questions…then you’re a Disney Dad!
Is this a bad thing? Well – yes and no. It’s great that you love your kids- no problem with that. It’s wonderful that you want to make your kids happy- that’s O.K. too. But is it realistic that you’ll keep them happy ALL the time? Nope.
Unrealistic Hopes
You are worrying yourself into an impossible situation. You can’t please your child(ren) all the time. If you really want to do this, I recommend divorcing your current spouse, giving up your job, your blended family, friends, hobbies, and possibly sleep too- but I need to warn you- it won’t be enough. Kids sense this struggle, and they will whine and whine, scream for MORE- attempting to get you to “raise the bar” every weekend. Will it ever satisfy them? Of course not- but your kids don’t know this.
What Do Children Really Need?
Children need love, belonging and recognition. They want to know that you love them and they are an important part of your life. How do you show them? By including them in your life.
Take them on your errands. Eat meals with your blended family, and involve them in family activities. It’s O.K. to have some one-on-one time over the weekend, but that shouldn’t be your main focus. Your child(ren) needs to see that they are a part of your family and part of your life. Those of you who have remarried and have step kids living with you- it’s important to show your biological children that they “fit” in this family, and you want them to be a part of it.
Who’s in Charge?
Right now- it’s your child(ren.) They really want structure and leadership from you. It’s time to be their parent and not their friend. They have friends, but they need to see some stability, structure and leadership from you.
It’s not time to eliminate discipline or instruction from you. Your child wants to please you and have you proud of him/her. By discussing your expectations with them, you are guiding them to be more responsible and continue becoming the best person they can be.
How Much Effect Can I Have, 26 Weekends a Year and a Couple of Holidays?
You’d be surprised how much effect a non-custodial father can have on his child(ren.) The role of a father in a child’s life is crucial. Your visits with them are great, but you can also maintain your relationship with phone calls, texts and even communicating with them on Facebook. Children need their father- a male role model in their lives. Don’t minimize the effect you can have on your child(ren.) When your child(ren) visits, show them a normal family, and a normal marriage- not a time where one person overshadows everyone else’s needs- that’s not normal or healthy.
Conclusion
As you are reading this article, some of you are saying, “Well, a couple of those points sound familiar, but I’m not as bad as all that.” Just a hint- if a couple of these paragraphs apply, then you’re a Disney dad. As my husband says, “Walks like a duck, sounds like a duck…..it’s a duck” In other words- don’t deny it, it’s time for change.
For more information, get your own copy of Blended Family Advice it’s a great instruction manual for how to be a remarried dad in a blended family.
Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She is the founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center. Shirley has a passion for helping blended and step families grow strong and be successful. Sign up for our Free newsletter and receive a Free Report- Top Ten Worst Mistakes You Can Make in Your Blended Family,
http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com
(You are welcome to reprint this article, as long as it is reprinted, unedited, in it’s entirety, along with the bio at the end. Thank you.)
• Do you get nervous when it’s time for your child(ren) to visit?
• Do you want everything to be perfect and your child(ren) happy at all times?
• Do you try to make wonderful plans, over the top, AMAZING activities each time they come over?
• Do you ignore your spouse and other family members during the visit?
If you answered yes to at least two of these questions…then you’re a Disney Dad!
Is this a bad thing? Well – yes and no. It’s great that you love your kids- no problem with that. It’s wonderful that you want to make your kids happy- that’s O.K. too. But is it realistic that you’ll keep them happy ALL the time? Nope.
Unrealistic Hopes
You are worrying yourself into an impossible situation. You can’t please your child(ren) all the time. If you really want to do this, I recommend divorcing your current spouse, giving up your job, your blended family, friends, hobbies, and possibly sleep too- but I need to warn you- it won’t be enough. Kids sense this struggle, and they will whine and whine, scream for MORE- attempting to get you to “raise the bar” every weekend. Will it ever satisfy them? Of course not- but your kids don’t know this.
What Do Children Really Need?
Children need love, belonging and recognition. They want to know that you love them and they are an important part of your life. How do you show them? By including them in your life.
Take them on your errands. Eat meals with your blended family, and involve them in family activities. It’s O.K. to have some one-on-one time over the weekend, but that shouldn’t be your main focus. Your child(ren) needs to see that they are a part of your family and part of your life. Those of you who have remarried and have step kids living with you- it’s important to show your biological children that they “fit” in this family, and you want them to be a part of it.
Who’s in Charge?
Right now- it’s your child(ren.) They really want structure and leadership from you. It’s time to be their parent and not their friend. They have friends, but they need to see some stability, structure and leadership from you.
It’s not time to eliminate discipline or instruction from you. Your child wants to please you and have you proud of him/her. By discussing your expectations with them, you are guiding them to be more responsible and continue becoming the best person they can be.
How Much Effect Can I Have, 26 Weekends a Year and a Couple of Holidays?
You’d be surprised how much effect a non-custodial father can have on his child(ren.) The role of a father in a child’s life is crucial. Your visits with them are great, but you can also maintain your relationship with phone calls, texts and even communicating with them on Facebook. Children need their father- a male role model in their lives. Don’t minimize the effect you can have on your child(ren.) When your child(ren) visits, show them a normal family, and a normal marriage- not a time where one person overshadows everyone else’s needs- that’s not normal or healthy.
Conclusion
As you are reading this article, some of you are saying, “Well, a couple of those points sound familiar, but I’m not as bad as all that.” Just a hint- if a couple of these paragraphs apply, then you’re a Disney dad. As my husband says, “Walks like a duck, sounds like a duck…..it’s a duck” In other words- don’t deny it, it’s time for change.
For more information, get your own copy of Blended Family Advice it’s a great instruction manual for how to be a remarried dad in a blended family.
Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She is the founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center. Shirley has a passion for helping blended and step families grow strong and be successful. Sign up for our Free newsletter and receive a Free Report- Top Ten Worst Mistakes You Can Make in Your Blended Family,
http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com
(You are welcome to reprint this article, as long as it is reprinted, unedited, in it’s entirety, along with the bio at the end. Thank you.)
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Step son and son issues
A Reader recently asked: My son and step son recently had a falling out. The boys are both 17. My step son was caught drinking and partying at his mom's house. (did not involve my son at all). When questioned by his mom he "offered" up that my son and he had drank and smoked pot together before. My stepson's mom told us and we had to discipline my son. My son is furious and feels the his brother ratted him out for no good reason. When my boys were 14 my stepson stole my son's wallet and lied about it, so there is a bit of a history of lack of trust. My son forgave him for that but this seemed to have sent him over the top. They will not talk to each other and the whole household is upset and stressed. What should we do as parents in this situation? My step kids some every other week.
Shirley Cress Dudley's response:
I see several issues:
*The boys have a trust issue and also and issue “bonding” as family members
*Discipline issues (including- both boys are smoking pot and drinking)
To work on the trust issues and blending your family, it would be helpful to schedule family activities (at least one) every weekend your stepson is present. I know it’s tough to get teenagers to stay at home and participate, but it is essential to bringing your family closer together. An idea might be to require the boys to be home for a family meal before going out for the evening. It’s helpful to tell both boys that you love them and would like for them to try to get along.
Also, you have some discipline issues- it is important for you and your spouse to decide on house rules and expectations. These guidelines should be for all the kids, visiting or living in the house full time. Once you and your spouse agree on those guidelines, present them to the boys, and inform them that there are consequences for disobeying/not respecting the guidelines. I recommend letting the biological parent enforce the consequences.
While I understand your son’s feelings that his stepbrother “ratted on him,” it is unacceptable for either boy, in your blended family, to engage in underage drinking or pot smoking.-that should be the primary concern. Even if the rules are different at his biological mom’s house, it is important for you to do what’s best for the boys, when they are in your home. You will find an unusual benefit to these new rules- your boys will bond with each other against the adults! That’s fine, but stand firm in your expectations for them. Soon, these boys will be on their own, and suffer more serious consequences from disobeying the law.
It’s tough to answer all of the issues in a brief email. Let me know if this information is helpful and gives you more ideas on actions to take.
Shirley Cress Dudley
Blended and Step Family expert
Shirley Cress Dudley's response:
I see several issues:
*The boys have a trust issue and also and issue “bonding” as family members
*Discipline issues (including- both boys are smoking pot and drinking)
To work on the trust issues and blending your family, it would be helpful to schedule family activities (at least one) every weekend your stepson is present. I know it’s tough to get teenagers to stay at home and participate, but it is essential to bringing your family closer together. An idea might be to require the boys to be home for a family meal before going out for the evening. It’s helpful to tell both boys that you love them and would like for them to try to get along.
Also, you have some discipline issues- it is important for you and your spouse to decide on house rules and expectations. These guidelines should be for all the kids, visiting or living in the house full time. Once you and your spouse agree on those guidelines, present them to the boys, and inform them that there are consequences for disobeying/not respecting the guidelines. I recommend letting the biological parent enforce the consequences.
While I understand your son’s feelings that his stepbrother “ratted on him,” it is unacceptable for either boy, in your blended family, to engage in underage drinking or pot smoking.-that should be the primary concern. Even if the rules are different at his biological mom’s house, it is important for you to do what’s best for the boys, when they are in your home. You will find an unusual benefit to these new rules- your boys will bond with each other against the adults! That’s fine, but stand firm in your expectations for them. Soon, these boys will be on their own, and suffer more serious consequences from disobeying the law.
It’s tough to answer all of the issues in a brief email. Let me know if this information is helpful and gives you more ideas on actions to take.
Shirley Cress Dudley
Blended and Step Family expert
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Stepson said inappropriate things to stepmom-what to do?
A reader asks:
I have an unusual situation...
I have known my step-son for over 7 years, he is now 27. He has many issues including his mother, stepdad, just being disfunctional in general. A complete loser. I have always tried to be like a Mom to him since he never really had one. He is getting married next month (September).
A month ago we (my daughter 20 and my son 23) invited him and his fiancee over to play some board games and have a couple of beers. He became progressively drunk as the evening went on. I didn't know he was stealing booze after going into the house to "go to the bathroom" After he decided to try to start a fist fight with my son because my son "is from the city" and he "is from the country", I told his fiancee to get him out of my backyard and take him home. If that wasn't bad enough, he fell on the ground and started crying and saying that I was "hot" and he wanted to "sleep with me" (not using that term, though). Needless to say, I am disgusted, fell disrespected and don't even want to be around him or the fiancee.
I have to decided to wait until after the wedding to MAYBE tell my husband what happened. Not even sure if I want to tell him, since it will cause a rift between all of us. I am running out of excuses not to have the stepson and fiancee over. Any advice? Thanks
Shirley Cress Dudley's response:
Yes- this is a tough one. Alcohol makes us say things we shouldn’t say, even things we don’t really mean, and do things we shouldn’t do.
Your husband is your partner in this and I believe you should tell him what happened. (If it’s too uncomfortable- then show him this email.)
I would begin with the preface that you know people act ways that are not normal when they are drunk. Then- tell him what happened. Ask your husband what he wants the two of you to do. You can’t break off relations with your stepson, since he is still part of the family- and yet, his drinking along with inappropriate words and poor behavior can not continue.
Figure out how to convince your stepson to get help. Possibly invite the fiancée over to your home to discuss your concerns. Beginning a marriage with someone dependant on alcohol is such a tragedy. The fact that you experienced his inappropriate behavior in front of his fiancée will allow you to talk with her openly.
Good luck. Continue to love your stepson as his stepmom- I commend you for wanting to do what’s best for your family. The next time you talk with your stepson- talk with him together, with your husband present, about your concerns.
Shirley
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
New articles for step families and blended families
Blended Family Resource Center has lots of great new articles to help blended families and step families with their everyday struggles of blending a family.
Here are some of the articles:
Five Rules for Divorced Dads
Managing Family Stress and Conflict Resolution
Top Ten Signs of a Successful Blended Family
Spend some time on the website today and help your family.
Have a great day!- Shirley Cress Dudley
Here are some of the articles:
Five Rules for Divorced Dads
Managing Family Stress and Conflict Resolution
Top Ten Signs of a Successful Blended Family
Spend some time on the website today and help your family.
Have a great day!- Shirley Cress Dudley
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Summer Giveaway extended until July 5th!
We still have several prizes left- so the Summer Giveaway has been extended to July 5th. If you know of a blended family who would benefit from one of these prizes- encourage them to register for the event at http://www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com/SummerGiveaway
Here are the great prizes we still have:
Background Check -Experience the freedom of feeling SAFE about your date. CheckoutADate.com provides you with background checks that give you the confidence you need in dating.- ($29.95 value)
Understanding my Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder - A children's story explaining the symptoms of ADHD to facilitate awareness of the disorder and how it affects them by Kara Tamanini
Does Your Church Connect with Blended Families? - Get the details on how to CONNECT blended families to the church- by Dr. Shane Stutzman.
PC for Peewees is a reference guide with practical ways to support toddlers learning with the use of computers- by Nicole Taylor.
Single Dad Journal, Document your experience as a single dad—life with the kids, mistakes you’ve made, lessons you’ve learned and things you can pass on to other dads. It will be a cathartic experience that will help you make life happen again. donated by RJ Jaramillo of SingleDad.com
Send in your blended family poem or photo today!
Here are the great prizes we still have:
Background Check -Experience the freedom of feeling SAFE about your date. CheckoutADate.com provides you with background checks that give you the confidence you need in dating.- ($29.95 value)
Understanding my Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder - A children's story explaining the symptoms of ADHD to facilitate awareness of the disorder and how it affects them by Kara Tamanini
Does Your Church Connect with Blended Families? - Get the details on how to CONNECT blended families to the church- by Dr. Shane Stutzman.
PC for Peewees is a reference guide with practical ways to support toddlers learning with the use of computers- by Nicole Taylor.
Single Dad Journal, Document your experience as a single dad—life with the kids, mistakes you’ve made, lessons you’ve learned and things you can pass on to other dads. It will be a cathartic experience that will help you make life happen again. donated by RJ Jaramillo of SingleDad.com
Send in your blended family poem or photo today!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Biological Mom has traits of narcissism and antisocial behavior- what to do?
Mom asks- I’m a stepmom to a 4 ½ year old boy and biological mom to a 17-month girl. Biological mom of son alienates and has many behaviors of narcissism/antisocial. How do we handle this?
Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
It’s hard enough to deal with the “other” parents in a blended family- much less when a parent has a possible personality disorder. Here are some tips that may help.
Don’t take her attacks and negative comments personally
Respond to her when you are calm and can look at the situation objectively. Don’t respond to any emotional comments or attacks. You don’t have to pick up the telephone every time she calls or respond immediately when she sends you a text. Take time to settle down and figure out if this is a message you need to respond to, or should ignore.
Focus on the child and his well-being
Respond only to issues concerning your stepson. Ignore anything non-related to him.
Speak positively about the other parent around your stepson
I know it’s difficult, but set the right example and speak positively about his biological mom. You may say, “I know your mom wants what’s best for you, so we’re going to talk as adults and get this figured out.”
Do the Right Thing
Keep your focus on doing what’s right for your stepson and your family. Work together as a team with your spouse. Continue to speak positively to the biological mom, stating that everyone wants what’s best for the children and you appreciate her working with you to make this happen. Keep your expectations up and continue to guide her to a healthier co-parenting relationship.
For more information, read Chapter Six of Blended Family Advice.
Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
It’s hard enough to deal with the “other” parents in a blended family- much less when a parent has a possible personality disorder. Here are some tips that may help.
Don’t take her attacks and negative comments personally
Respond to her when you are calm and can look at the situation objectively. Don’t respond to any emotional comments or attacks. You don’t have to pick up the telephone every time she calls or respond immediately when she sends you a text. Take time to settle down and figure out if this is a message you need to respond to, or should ignore.
Focus on the child and his well-being
Respond only to issues concerning your stepson. Ignore anything non-related to him.
Speak positively about the other parent around your stepson
I know it’s difficult, but set the right example and speak positively about his biological mom. You may say, “I know your mom wants what’s best for you, so we’re going to talk as adults and get this figured out.”
Do the Right Thing
Keep your focus on doing what’s right for your stepson and your family. Work together as a team with your spouse. Continue to speak positively to the biological mom, stating that everyone wants what’s best for the children and you appreciate her working with you to make this happen. Keep your expectations up and continue to guide her to a healthier co-parenting relationship.
For more information, read Chapter Six of Blended Family Advice.
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