Mom asks- I’m a stepmom to a 4 ½ year old boy and biological mom to a 17-month girl. Biological mom of son alienates and has many behaviors of narcissism/antisocial. How do we handle this?
Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
It’s hard enough to deal with the “other” parents in a blended family- much less when a parent has a possible personality disorder. Here are some tips that may help.
Don’t take her attacks and negative comments personally
Respond to her when you are calm and can look at the situation objectively. Don’t respond to any emotional comments or attacks. You don’t have to pick up the telephone every time she calls or respond immediately when she sends you a text. Take time to settle down and figure out if this is a message you need to respond to, or should ignore.
Focus on the child and his well-being
Respond only to issues concerning your stepson. Ignore anything non-related to him.
Speak positively about the other parent around your stepson
I know it’s difficult, but set the right example and speak positively about his biological mom. You may say, “I know your mom wants what’s best for you, so we’re going to talk as adults and get this figured out.”
Do the Right Thing
Keep your focus on doing what’s right for your stepson and your family. Work together as a team with your spouse. Continue to speak positively to the biological mom, stating that everyone wants what’s best for the children and you appreciate her working with you to make this happen. Keep your expectations up and continue to guide her to a healthier co-parenting relationship.
For more information, read Chapter Six of Blended Family Advice.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
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It's all so much easier said than done! But I do agree with all your points. That's what a stepparent *should* do in the situation.
ReplyDeleteShirley had some great advice here. I was a child of divorce in the 1970's and both of my parents remarried within one year of each other. I'm sure in the beginning it was difficult for all of them to be together in one room when there was a birthday or event but they did it anyway because it was best for us kids. I know as a child I didn't make it easy for my step parents to love me but I think that they were mature enough to understand that I was just a kid acting out, maybe even looking for attention. I give my parents so much credit for putting all of us kids first. All four of my parents ended up being great friends and family to each other. And, three years ago when my step-dad David died my father and step-mother stood right next to my mother in grief. I have been truly blessed with wonderful parents and family.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your stepson.
Kind regards,
Marjorie Musilli Whitesell