Wednesday, December 29, 2010

My fiancé is still posing for family photos with his ex-spouse

A future blended mom asks:
help!  My fiancé is still posing, each year, for Christmas family photos with his ex-wife and his kids. They also celebrate Christmas together, each year. He doesn't see any harm in it, and says the kids like it. I don't think this is right- what can I do?

Shirley Cress Dudley Responds:
You are right, your fiancé does not belong in family photos of family that no longer exists.  Some parents believe that by celebrating the holidays together (even though they are divorced) is best for the kids.  In reality- it’s cruel to the kids.  By continuing to celebrate Christmas together, and taking group/family photos, it gives the kids hope that mom and dad may be together again someday (every child’s hope and dream.)

If both parents have remarried, (or are engaged) and everyone can attend and will get along- then it’s fine for everyone to be there, as long as it’s everyone.

It’s time for your fiancé to have his own Christmas celebrations. I don’t know how long this has been going on, but as soon as he separated from his ex, he should have begun celebrating the holidays separately.  The kids need to see the “new world” and that includes dad as a single person, and one who, as an adult, can celebrate birthdays and other holidays, in his own home. Now that you are engaged, it should be a celebration with you, your fiancé and all of your kids- if that’s possible. If not possible, then make sure once you are married you celebrate together as a blended family.

Kindest Regards,
Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC
Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com
Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center


Posted by Shirley Cress Dudley at 8:32 PM
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1 comment:

  1. Shelly Van Goeye-FrenchMarch 3, 2011 at 8:56 AM

    I agree! This has caused significant confusion in my step daughter's life. For four years after my (now) husband separated and divorced from his ex-wife, they spent holidays together as a family under the guise it made it easier on their child. This continued for 2 years into our dating.

    When my husband and I decided to move forward in our relationship and to blend families... extreme alienation began. I was viewed as the person that 'broke' up the family - even though they were divorced before I met him. It has been a long road to recovery, and healing the relationship between he and his daughter, as well as the relationship between his daughter and me, have not been easy.

    The sooner the child can adjust to the fact the parents are no longer together, and their family is not same as it once was, the better.

    S.French - Professional Integrative Coach www.inyourcornerllc.blogspot.com

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