Step Mom asks about keeping deceased moms photos in the house

A Step Mom Asks: I married a man 3 years ago who became a widower when his wife died suddenly, 6 years ago.  His children were 17 and 25 at the time of their mother's death. We purchased a new home, and while going through old boxes, found lots of photos of his deceased wife.  His adult daughter wants us to display the photos of her mom in our home, and is refusing to come to our home if we don't put the photos out. My husband feels stuck in the middle.  I don't feel supported in this.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

Blended families are tough, especially when a parent dies.  You want to honor the deceased parent, and yet maintain your place as wife and mother in this home.

When you and your husband married, the two of you become the center of the family.  You and your husband become the center of his former nuclear family and you and your husband become the center of the decisions made around you and your kids.  You are the wife and mother of this home and this new family. 

I understand the daughter’s desire to keep her mother’s photos, and that is understandable.  If you and your husband have room, then, by all means, keep them in storage for the kids.  Encourage them, at some point (maybe even giving them a deadline) to collect the photos and take them to their homes. This is part of being an adult and creating your own home and family.  You husband may want to keep some (which is fine- this is his nuclear family and one that existed for many years) – but it is not appropriate for these photos of the former family to be displayed in your home.

As the mother and wife of this home, it is inappropriate for a former wife (even if she is deceased) to be publically displayed in your home. If any of the kids were still living in the home, it would be appropriate for them to have photos of their mother in their room (but not family/group photos.) Your youngest child should be able to have a photo or two of his (her) father in his room.  You are honoring their deceased mother by keeping photo albums and photos, but there is no need for these photos (however lovely) to be displayed in your home.  Again, this is your and your husband’s home.  He cannot have two wife’s photos, or two sets of family photos displayed in this home.

Kids, even adult kids, will push the limits in a blended family.  They will see if their dad is going to choose you over them.  They want to see who is “loved more” or “more important” to him.  It is of extreme importance that you and your husband don’t engage in this competition.  There is no competition between a father’s love for his kids and a man’s love for his wife.  The mom and dad (husband and wife) are in charge of this family, and they (you and your husband) make the primary decisions in this family. All kids are loved, and their place in the family has not changed- they are still your kids. The two of you will parent (and co-parent) your kids (and stepkids) to the best of your ability- together.

I understand your husband’s conflicted feelings, but it’s time to put the photos back in storage, and your husband tell his kids how much he loves them, and how much he loved their mother. But- their mother is dead now, and he has remarried. He should explain that he and his new wife are creating a home and a life together.  If the daughter refused to come to your home, then (although this is very tough, it’s really what is best) your husband should tell her he loves her and will be waiting to see her, when she is ready.  He should not push her, or offer to meet her somewhere else, but stand firm in his commitment to you and his new blended family.  When she protests, he should continue to tell her how much he loves her, and wants her to be a part of his blended family, and will hope that she will understand and realize it’s the right decision for everyone.

I hope that helps.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center