A blended stepmom asks:
My fiancé has two daughters
(ages five and 6). Both seem to like me. The older one likes me quite a bit more than the younger one. I have been a part of their lives for one year now. Lately, the younger daughter has started doing everything possible to get Daddy's attention. She asks to be picked up and held all the time.
She interrupts people when they are talking to her Daddy so that he has to turn his attention to her and she cries constantly to get his attention. At night, she consistently wakes up at 2:30 am and wants her Daddy to come lay with her. After he checks on her, he tries to come back to bed but she just cries more until he finally has to put her on the couch downstairs and lay with her there so that she won't wake the whole house up. It is getting unbearable. She does this every single night.
It is really starting to affect my fiancé as he is not getting a good nights rest at night and we are not getting to spend nights in the same bed anymore. He is still in the process of an extremely messy divorce that has lasted for 15 months now so he coddles both of the girls whenever they are here. He has 50/50 custody with his ex so the girls are here 3-4 nights a week. This is not going to be a healthy way to start our new life together. Any suggestions? Thanks!
My fiancé has two daughters
(ages five and 6). Both seem to like me. The older one likes me quite a bit more than the younger one. I have been a part of their lives for one year now. Lately, the younger daughter has started doing everything possible to get Daddy's attention. She asks to be picked up and held all the time.
She interrupts people when they are talking to her Daddy so that he has to turn his attention to her and she cries constantly to get his attention. At night, she consistently wakes up at 2:30 am and wants her Daddy to come lay with her. After he checks on her, he tries to come back to bed but she just cries more until he finally has to put her on the couch downstairs and lay with her there so that she won't wake the whole house up. It is getting unbearable. She does this every single night.
It is really starting to affect my fiancé as he is not getting a good nights rest at night and we are not getting to spend nights in the same bed anymore. He is still in the process of an extremely messy divorce that has lasted for 15 months now so he coddles both of the girls whenever they are here. He has 50/50 custody with his ex so the girls are here 3-4 nights a week. This is not going to be a healthy way to start our new life together. Any suggestions? Thanks!
Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
I’m sorry to hear you’re having a tough time. Blended families are difficult and require some extra steps to help kids adapt. It’s hard to answer such a complicated question in a few brief paragraph-, but I’ll give you a few basic tips:
Establish House Rules
Since you are engaged to be married, talk with the kids (with dad taking the lead) about how this new family of yours needs to establish their own set of house rules and guidelines. You and
your fiance should discuss what expectations and guidelines are appropriate for the kids- such as not interupting adults when talking; going to bed early, if they don’t have a solid night’s sleep the night before; keeping their room cleaned up; being respectful to adults, etc. Also discuss how this new family of your will be starting some new traditions. Plan some fun activities for
the whole family, and create some new traditions of your own. Remind the kids that if they don’t
respect/obey the house rules, some of these planned activities will be cancelled. (Remind their dad to enforce the consequences of not obeying the rules, or they are just words- and the kids will soon learn they mean nothing.) Offer rewards and fun activities at the end of the week for good behavior.
your fiance should discuss what expectations and guidelines are appropriate for the kids- such as not interupting adults when talking; going to bed early, if they don’t have a solid night’s sleep the night before; keeping their room cleaned up; being respectful to adults, etc. Also discuss how this new family of your will be starting some new traditions. Plan some fun activities for
the whole family, and create some new traditions of your own. Remind the kids that if they don’t
respect/obey the house rules, some of these planned activities will be cancelled. (Remind their dad to enforce the consequences of not obeying the rules, or they are just words- and the kids will soon learn they mean nothing.) Offer rewards and fun activities at the end of the week for good behavior.
The kids Are Still Grieving the Divorce
The words “15 months” and “messy divorce” explain a lot too. The kids, especially the younger one, are grieving the divorce and also very upset about their parents continual fighting. It’s
important for their dad to talk to them and convey some basic thoughts:
important for their dad to talk to them and convey some basic thoughts:
- I love you. Even though Mommy and Daddy are now living in two separate
homes, Mommy and Daddy will always love you. - Daddy is getting married and she will be your stepmommy. She doesn’t take the place of your mom, but
is an extra adult in your life to love you and take care of you. - Daddy and ____ (you) need adult time at night. If you interupt this time, we will have to
take some play time away during the day to make up for this.
It would also be a good idea to find a therapist who has experience with kids and let her participate in some play therapy. It would help for her to have a 3rd party, outside the family, to talk to and receive some help.
When divorce and remarriage occur (one or both) kids are just “bouncing off the walls”- wondering what’s happening…what are the new rules? What is expected of me? What’s going to happen to me? It’s important for their Dad to talk to them and reassure them. But- this is not time to coddle them, or back off on the rules. Kids need boundaries and guidelines- these rules actually help them feel safe and secure. It will take a few nights, but adding some boundaries to the bedtimes and behavior of the kids will make a dramatic and positive difference in your lives. Good luck with your blended family. I wish you the best. If you need more assistance, try blended family coaching.
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