Kids giving dad a tough time

A blended stepmom asks: 
My fiancé has two daughters
(ages five and 6). Both seem to like me. The older one likes me quite a bit more than the younger one. I have been a part of their lives for one year now.  Lately, the younger daughter has started doing everything possible to get Daddy's attention. She asks to be picked up and held all the time. 

She interrupts people when they are talking to her Daddy so that he has to turn his attention to her and she cries constantly to get his attention. At night, she consistently wakes up at 2:30 am and wants her Daddy to come lay with her. After he checks on her, he tries to come back to bed but she just cries more until he finally has to put her on the couch downstairs and lay with her there so that she won't wake the whole house up. It is getting unbearable. She does this every single night. 

It is really starting to affect my fiancé as he is not getting a good nights rest at night and we are not getting to spend nights in the same bed anymore. He is still in the process of an extremely messy divorce that has lasted for 15 months now so he coddles both of the girls whenever they are here. He has 50/50 custody with his ex so the girls are here 3-4 nights a week. This is not going to be a healthy way to start our new life together. Any suggestions? Thanks!

Shirley Cress Dudley responds: 

I’m sorry to hear you’re having a tough time. Blended families are difficult and require some extra steps to help kids adapt.  It’s hard to answer such a complicated question in a  few brief paragraph-, but I’ll give you a few basic tips:

Establish House Rules

Since you are engaged to be married, talk with the kids (with dad taking the lead) about how this new family of yours needs to establish their own set of house rules and guidelines.  You and
your fiance should discuss what expectations and guidelines are appropriate for the kids- such as not interupting adults when talking; going to bed early, if they don’t have a solid night’s sleep the night before; keeping their room cleaned up; being respectful to adults, etc.  Also discuss how this new family of your will be starting some new traditions.  Plan some fun activities for
the whole family, and create some new traditions of your own.  Remind the kids that if they don’t
respect/obey the house rules, some of these planned activities will be cancelled.  (Remind their dad to enforce the consequences of not obeying the rules, or they are just words- and the kids will soon learn they mean nothing.) Offer rewards and fun activities at the end of the week for good behavior.

The kids Are Still Grieving the Divorce

The words “15 months” and “messy divorce” explain a lot too. The kids, especially the younger one, are grieving the divorce and also very upset about their parents continual fighting.  It’s
important for their dad to talk to them and convey some basic thoughts:

• I love you. Even though Mommy and Daddy are now living in two separate
  homes, Mommy and Daddy will always love you.
• Daddy is getting married and she will be your stepmommy.  She doesn’t take the place of your mom, but
  is an extra adult in your life to love you and take care of you.
• Daddy and ____ (you) need adult time at night.  If you interupt this time, we will have to
  take some play time away during the day to make up for this.

It would also be a good idea to find a therapist who has experience with  kids and let her participate in some play therapy. It would help for her to have a 3^rd party, outside the family, to talk to and receive some help.

When divorce and remarriage occur (one or both) kids are just “bouncing off the walls”- wondering what’s happening…what are the new rules?  What is expected of me?  What’s going to happen to me?  It’s important for their Dad to talk to them and reassure them. But- this is not time to coddle them, or back off on the rules.  Kids need boundaries and guidelines- these rules actually help them feel safe and secure.  It will take a few nights, but adding some boundaries to the bedtimes and behavior of the kids will make a dramatic and positive difference in your lives. Good luck with your blended family.  I wish you the best.  If you need more assistance, try blended family coaching.

Stepdaughter draws evil pictures of her stepmother

Recently, I received this question from a stepmom:
My 9-year-old stepdaughter is having problems accepting me in her life as her stepmother. She is very close to her real mother and has told me numerous times that she hates me and doesn't want me in her life. She has been acting up a lot and showing lots of aggression and disobedience towards her Dad and me. It has gone as far as her not even hugging her Dad or wanting to come to her Dad's house because she doesn't like me. The other day she drew a picture of me with devil horns and a tail. Her mother defends her by saying that she is just merely expressing herself. I am very hurt by her drawings and just want her to like me. We are talking to a counselor about her behavior but the counselor is siding with her mom saying that the drawings are just an expression of her. Her Dad and I have been married for five years now. What can I do to get her to accept me and not take her hate for me out on her Dad?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds: I would have agreed with the counselor and her mom, if you had not added that you’ve been married for five years. My guess is that her mom is saying negative things about you and encouraging her daughter to hate you. “Hate” is a strong word- but divorced parents are sometimes very confused, and think that getting the children involved in their adult issues will somehow make the situation better. It sounds as if your husband’s ex-wife has some unresolved anger and bitterness towards the divorce and then remarriage. Involving her daughter in this anger and bitterness is very unhealthy.

It’s time for your husband to talk to his ex-wife about his expectations of how they raise their daughter. Each parent should do the best they can to parent the child, and to support the other parent in their role. Your husband’s ex is trying to get her daughter to choose between you and her. By making you evil, the biological mom is assuring her daughter that she really loves her. This is nonsense.

Your husband needs to talk to the mother of his child about speaking positively of all adults involved in this co-parenting process. (All adults means you too.) To do the best job raising their daughter, she needs to be in an environment where she knows all the adults care about her and want what’s best for her. Her mother can help this situation by speaking positively about dad’s wife and the role she has in her life. He also needs to tell her mom that the two of you will speak positively about her, at all times, in front of her daughter (and fully expect the same behavior from her.)

Why should she do it? (She will ask….) Well- by continuing to teach her daughter that her stepmother is evil, she will eventually lose a healthy relationship with her father, distrust anyone her mother decides to marry, and- at some point, will realize what her mother is doing, resent her mother’s actions, and break off a relationship with her too. This pattern will result in a very confused teenager, and someone that will be counting the days to leave home and figure out how to have a normal life without crazy parents.

Unfortunately, your husband can talk to his ex, and she may choose to ignore his requests. In your own home, here are some steps you can take:
• When she is visiting, make sure you have house-rules/expectations in place. (Example: rudeness and disrespectfulness will not be accepted.) Her biological dad should enforce any consequences from her poor behavior. Make sure you go over the expectations with her, in advance, so she understands the rules of the house and the consequences. (For more information on developing house rules, read, Blended Family Advice, section two.)
• The two of you tell her, regularly, that you love her and enjoy spending time with her and having her a part of your blended family.
• Find opportunities to tell her that you know you’re not her mom, and never want to take the place of her mom. However, you’re happy to be a part of her life as an additional adult to love her and care for her. If she is rude, walk away, and let her father talk with her about her behavior (along with providing consequences.)
• Also have her father talk to her about the difference between a mom and a stepmom, and how there is no competition. She can love both of you, and both of you can love her.

It’s going to take some time. I hope your husband can convince his ex that her negative words about you are really hurting her daughter. If not, then your husband and you can create as normal an environment as possible (after-all- none of us are perfect,) with two loving parents- who maintain a loving home with rules and expectations, when she visits. Good luck to you. She’s still young, and I believe you can really make a difference in her life if you take action now.

What if new step parent doesn't want to parent?

A reader asks: What happens when a parent marries someone who isn't suitable for their family and they don't encourage the family to get along? What could they do?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
Unfortunately, over 50% of second marriages end in divorce. If someone marries again because they look like a great mate, but aren't interested in being a step parent- the marriage is probably not going to be successful. The new partner is automatically a brand new step parent- whether they like it or not, and has the responsibility of helping to co-parent the kids (while the kids are in their home.) If the new partner has no interest in this- it's a definite problem.

Divorced moms and dads need to remember this when they re-enter the dating scene, looking for a partner. I also highly recommend premarital counseling for all couples- but especially for blended family couples. Then, they can discuss these issues ahead of time and figure out if they are truly a good match.

For more information, check out Blended Family Advice ebook- your instruction manual for blended families.
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended Family Coach