Future stepmom is unsure about her blended family

A future stepmom asks:

I am becoming a step parent. We are coming off a nine day stay with my fiancé's son and I am very burnt out. The child has some tough days and I felt my patience just wasn't there. I also am overwhelmed because we were spending an hour or more a day just talking about the child and accessing his needs. I feel like I can't hear anymore or be with child for a long time. This feeling makes me feel really guilty. The child and I get along and he really likes me, but sometimes I wonder if I like him.

Shirley Cress Dudley, blended and step family coach responds:
I’ll try to answer your question as best as I can without all the information. It’s important to have balance. All of your time (whether your stepson is visiting or not) should have balance. Their should be some couple time (just you and your husband) some parent/child time (for dad/son,) some family time (everyone in your blended family) and also time for you- alone, to rejuvenate and restore your well being. It’s possible that the trip (as some vacations can be) was a bit unbalanced, and wore you down.


Also- it’s best for you and your future husband to develop your own set of house rules. When your stepson visits, he should be told what the expectations of your home are and the consequences of not following these expectations. When noncustodial kids visit, it shouldn’t be a “Disneyland” atmosphere- where they get anything they want. It should still be regular family, with rules and boundaries. I recommend the biological parent taking the lead in any discipline regarding disobeying the house rules.

You may never feel the same love for your stepson as a biological child. (Some people do, but some- after many years, still don’t feel the same love for their step kids.) That’s O.K. – really it is. You just need to love your future husband, and love your stepson through him. That way, when you are co-parenting him, you are doing what you believe is best for the one that you love, your husband.

Blended families are tough, but it is possible to have a happy, adjusted home with step kids and a blended family. You may want to read some of the blended and step family articles on the website for more information

And also consider purchasing a copy of Blended Family Advice. (It’s like an instruction manual for new step parents.) Here’s the link for more information on the book.


I hope this information helps.
Kindest Regards,
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended and Step Family Coach
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center