Moved in together and having trouble in our blended family

A blended family mom asks:

My boyfriend and I moved in together about 6 months ago and we are having problems related to my kids. He doesn't feel like he can talk to me about the kids, and is having trouble figuring out what his role is with them.

We've been together for several years, and want to figure this out. Any help you can provide would be appreciated.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
It’s tough when a couple move in together and they aren’t married. The kids are confused, family and friends are also sometimes confused because the stepparent status is not official. But- in reality- your boyfriend is the stepdad in the family now. It’s important to talk to your kids and tell them that you have created a new family, and your boyfriend is a co-parent in this family.

Establish some house rules and guidelines for your new family- like respecting all adults in the home, and expectations for the kids (keeping their areas clean, being polite and friendly to all family members, etc.) Also use this opportunity to create some new, fun family traditions.  What you are doing, is teaching your kids that this is a family, and how they should act in this new family. As you and your boyfriend develop these house rules and new traditions together, it will also help him see that he has an important part in this family as a co-parent.

I encourage the biological parent to enforce the rules, and let the step parent focus on developing relationships with the kids. That doesn’t mean that your boyfriend can’t correct the kids- he should say something if they disobey one of your family rules (the ones developed by you and your boyfriend.)  But- you should enforce the consequences.

There are several articles on the site (and a section in the book) that will help with this. So- the main tip I can give you is that you are a new family, with two adults co-parenting your children now. It’s time to develop the expectations for this family, and help your children grow accustomed to the new situation. 

You can look through the website Http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com and read the many articles about blended families- this will help your situation.   Purchasing the book, Blended Family Advice, is also an inexpensive way to get help.

I wish you lots of luck. Blended families are tough, but you’ve been together several years, so it’s really worth the effort.

Kindest Regards,
Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, LPC
Sdudley4@carolina.rr.com
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Husband Doesn't Want to be a StepDad

A step mom asks:
"I've been married for a little over a year.  I have two children from a previous marriage and my husband has one child.  He wants us to have a child together child.  We did discuss our wants and desires before we got married and I did tell him that I would be willing to have another child but I also said this based on what he told me and his actions at the time towards my children.  Since we married, he is not loving, nurturing and does not even talk to my kids and I have shared custody (50/50).  My kids are straight A students (ages 11 & 7) and are always given compliments from their teachers.  No discipline problems either.  I can't see taking care of 4 children while he only tends to 2 but he can't see my point b/c he isn't doing "anything" to them.  I am in my late 30s (my timer is ticking) and he is in his early 30s.  How do I handle this because communicating with him regarding the needs of my children only land us in arguments.  Any advice is appreciated."

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

I’m sorry to hear that your husband doesn’t talk or interact with your kids. It’s tough to remarry…you are not only looking for a spouse, but also someone to co-parent your children. Your children are part of your “package.”  When you husband married you, he knew it meant he would then have step kids.

I would not encourage you to have any children with him until you work through this important issue. Accepting you, loving you, and marrying you means he should accept and love your children, as you should accept and love his child.   I would recommend some blended family counseling for the two of you to work on how you interact as a couple with your 3 existing kids, before having more children.

Check out The Blended and Step Family Resource Center for more information.