Moved in together and having trouble in our blended family
A blended family mom asks:
A blended family mom asks:
My boyfriend and I moved in together about 6 months ago and we are having problems related to my kids. He doesn't feel like he can talk to me about the kids, and is having trouble figuring out what his role is with them.
We've been together for several years, and want to figure this out. Any help you can provide would be appreciated.
Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
It’s tough when a couple move in together and they aren’t married. The kids are confused, family and friends are also sometimes confused because the stepparent status is not official. But- in reality- your boyfriend is the stepdad in the family now. It’s important to talk to your kids and tell them that you have created a new family, and your boyfriend is a co-parent in this family.
Establish some house rules and guidelines for your new family- like respecting all adults in the home, and expectations for the kids (keeping their areas clean, being polite and friendly to all family members, etc.) Also use this opportunity to create some new, fun family traditions. What you are doing, is teaching your kids that this is a family, and how they should act in this new family. As you and your boyfriend develop these house rules and new traditions together, it will also help him see that he has an important part in this family as a co-parent.
I encourage the biological parent to enforce the rules, and let the step parent focus on developing relationships with the kids. That doesn’t mean that your boyfriend can’t correct the kids- he should say something if they disobey one of your family rules (the ones developed by you and your boyfriend.) But- you should enforce the consequences.
There are several articles on the site (and a section in the book) that will help with this. So- the main tip I can give you is that you are a new family, with two adults co-parenting your children now. It’s time to develop the expectations for this family, and help your children grow accustomed to the new situation.
Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
It’s tough when a couple move in together and they aren’t married. The kids are confused, family and friends are also sometimes confused because the stepparent status is not official. But- in reality- your boyfriend is the stepdad in the family now. It’s important to talk to your kids and tell them that you have created a new family, and your boyfriend is a co-parent in this family.
Establish some house rules and guidelines for your new family- like respecting all adults in the home, and expectations for the kids (keeping their areas clean, being polite and friendly to all family members, etc.) Also use this opportunity to create some new, fun family traditions. What you are doing, is teaching your kids that this is a family, and how they should act in this new family. As you and your boyfriend develop these house rules and new traditions together, it will also help him see that he has an important part in this family as a co-parent.
I encourage the biological parent to enforce the rules, and let the step parent focus on developing relationships with the kids. That doesn’t mean that your boyfriend can’t correct the kids- he should say something if they disobey one of your family rules (the ones developed by you and your boyfriend.) But- you should enforce the consequences.
There are several articles on the site (and a section in the book) that will help with this. So- the main tip I can give you is that you are a new family, with two adults co-parenting your children now. It’s time to develop the expectations for this family, and help your children grow accustomed to the new situation.
I wish you lots of luck. Blended families are tough, but you’ve been together several years, so it’s really worth the effort.
Kindest Regards,
Shirley
Shirley Cress Dudley, LPC
Sdudley4@carolina.rr.com
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
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