Attending a stepmother's funeral

A mom asks: I am seeking advice on the "rules" for blended families with regard to funerals and memorial services. This family event reminds me I have so much to learn about blended families beyond my immediate family situation and I find your blog very interesting and helpful to that end.

Would you be willing to share your opinion on the following situation? My significant other is part of a blended family. His parents divorced when he was a young adult and both parents remarried. He lives 10 hours from his (deceased) father and stepmother. He had a cordial relationship with his stepmother and her children, but never a close, bonded relationship - interactions only occurred around large, family get-togethers organized by his father.

His stepmother passed away last week and he is unable to attend the funeral due to a trip he has had planned for a very long time. He is being exceptionally hard on himself for not being able to go. He has even put off telling his stepmother's children because he feels so bad (even though they have implied in conversation that they don't expect him to be there). What has your experience been with others in similar situations? Is this a major a no-no to miss a stepparent's funeral - what are the "rules" on this situation? Would appreciate any thoughts you might be willing to share on this.

Shirley Cress Dudley replies:
That’s a tough one. A blended family is still your family. I understand your husband’s guilt and also his concerns. If he can’t make the trip to the funeral, and has other plans that can’t be changed, then he can’t make it, and that’s O.K. It would be nice if he could tell his step-siblings that he is sorry and send flowers or other memorials. The step-siblings may not expect him to attend, but may be comforted if he does attend (maybe not.) It’s always hard to tell with step-siblings, and depends on the relationship he had with them.

So- my answer isn’t an easy one. It depends on the relationship he had with those that have died and those who are living. We should attend the funeral to honor the dead, but also support the living relatives. If we are close to these members of our blended family- then attend. If not, then send your condolences and don’t attend. There are times when we can’t attend a very close relative’s funeral (due to military service, illness, etc.)

It would be best if he could be honest with the step-siblings as soon as possible, explain that he can’t attend, but that his heart is with them (and send something to them- flowers, card, etc.)

I hope that helps. As his wife, it would be great if you could support your husband in whatever decision he makes.
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC