How much time is O.K. to spend with my biological kids alone?

A reader asks:
We have been a blended family for a year, with some struggles, but pretty much O.K. My daughter is with us half time, my stepdaughter full time. My daughter is adjusting O.K., but wants to spend some alone time with me when she’s here. My wife feels that we have been married long enough that we need to bond as a family. She is discouraging separate time alone with our biological kids. Am I caving in to my child’s needs at the expense of creating a more cohesive family?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
This is a very common question; and one I hear at least 1-3 times a week. Usually the situation is similar to yours- mom’s kids live full time in the house, and dad’s kids visit, but don’t live there full time.

I think it’s great for blended families to have activities together. Doing things together really bonds the family and helps everyone feel more comfortable and a part of the family. But…

In reality, though, families don’t do things together all of the time. The kids that live in your home have some individualized time with their mom, and with you, just based on your various schedules. (Maybe mom wakes up early with the kids and gets them ready for school- that’s individual time with them. Maybe stepdad takes his stepson with him to the hardware store for supplies, that’s individual time. Or mom drives junior to his game, or helps sis with a project by going with her to purchase supplies- that’s individualized time.) We just don’t remember it, because it’s a part of our everyday lives.
I think it’s great to encourage your daughter to participate in family activities when she is visiting you, but I also believe a little personalized time with Dad is fine. You can take her on errands with you, or a quick occasional lunch out, or work together on a project- just the two of you.

Here’s some quick tips on spending time with our biological kids and step kids:
•Yes- it’s great for blended families to do things together. Make sure you have at least one little something special planned when kids are visiting. (Not a expensive, big deal – but a family movie night, or making sundaes together.)
•Yes- it’s best to include all family members for special events. Invite everyone, even the kids who aren’t supposed to be visiting that weekend. Note: give them enough notice to plan, or switch the event to a weekend convenient to all
•Yes- It’s O.K. for biological parents to spend some one-on-one time with their kids, as long as it’s not the entire day, or an ultra special event.
•No- it’s not O.K. for a visiting child to dominate a parent’s entire weekend.

The key is balance. If you spend the entire weekend with your daughter and ignore your wife and isolate yourself from the rest of the family- that’s too much. If you put your daughter into group situations the entire weekend (without even a walk around the neighborhood together) that’s too much also.

If you need more help-check out blended and step family expert, Shirley Cress Dudley. Coaching is offered for blended families.