Daughter doesn't have her own room or permanent bed

A mom is worried about her 5 year old daughter. When she visits her dad, she is sleeping in a temporary, flip out, Wal-mart bed. She doesn't have her own bedroom, and the fiance is pregnant.  Her ex-spouse says he is on a waiting list for a 3 bedroom apartment, but that it will be at least 3 more months. I never talk bad about my ex in front of my daughter but I don't think this is right. What can I do?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:


It's a difficult situation, and I know you want to do what's best for your daughter. The way you handle this- will make a huge difference to how your daughter perceives her visit to her dad.

Kids need both their mom and dad- and I see that you wrote that you don't talk bad about her dad or step mom in front of her- which is wonderful, and you should be praised for this- I know it's hard at times.

But- when your daughter talks about the situation, your reaction is making it harder on her. You have spoken to your ex-spouse, and he is doing everything he can to get a 3 bedroom apartment. He has also provided a bed (one you don't approve of as an ideal bed) but he has purchased her a bed.  From my perspective- the situation is fine, and he is providing a safe and welcoming environment for her.

If you talk to your daughter differently, it will make a dramatic difference.  The Wal-mart bed was specially bought for her- so that means she is special and they made an effort to make her feel at home.  (It might make a great sleep over bed for friends when the 3 bedroom apartment is available.)

Talk about how it is difficult to live/visit a smaller place, but sometimes that makes people closer. Tell your daughter stories of early in your marriage and what kind of house you lived in- or possibly stories of your childhood when you shared a bedroom, or slept in a temporary bed or sleeping bag when visiting relatives.

How you talk to your daughter can greatly improve the situation. You ex is doing what he can, and I believe you should support him on this.

I know it's not ideal, but he is providing a bed for her, and he is actively looking for a larger apartment.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC FACMPE
Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
Author of the book, Blended Family Advice

Surviving the Holidays in a Blended or Step Family

Do you dread the holidays?  I've created a three-part series on Surviving the Holidays in a Blended or Step Family. You can learn how to prepare for the holidays by clicking here.

Hurry, though- because this three-part series started over a week ago, and the special offer at the end of the video series ($50 off) ends tomorrow, November 6th at 9am.

If you need help keeping the crying, yelling, chaos of the holidays to a more successful, organized, peaceful event- then check it out.

Talk to you again, soon!

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC FACMPE
Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Are you an Incredible Chick?

We are excited to announce the opening of an online center for women called Incredible Chick. This website is an online community created to transform, inspire and equip woman through collaboration, inspiration and education. The website is under construction, right now, but give us a couple of weeks, and then come check it out. I think you'll be as excited as we are to now have Incredible Chick available!

A mom wonders about why her 5 year old son won't visit his dad or have sleep overs. She says there is a history of abuse (emotional and physical) but that her ex-husband has never hurt her son.


Shirley Cress Dudley, the blended family expert replies:
I'm sorry your son doesn't want to visit his dad. It's important for him to have time with both his mom and dad. But, you also mention that there is a history of abusive behavior from your ex-husband.


Even though you said your ex has never hurt your son, he does have that capability, and you have experienced both emotional and physical abuse from him.


I'm sorry you are having a difficult time.  It's good you realize that your son needs to spend time with his father- children need a relationship with both their mom and dad.


But, if your son is refusing to spend the night at his dad's place- and there is a history of abusive behavior- it's time for some investigation. I know you said your ex-husband has never hurt his son, but your son is still afraid of being at his house, alone at night.

Find a local child therapist. I recommend an LMFT or someone that has "play therapy" in their qualifications. Let a therapist talk with your son and figure out what's going on.

If your son has nothing to fear, the therapist will help him with this. If there are some real concerns, then these will also need to be dealt with. It's possible your son only needs supervised visits with his dad, and these may not include over night visits (unless another adult is present.)

You are right that your son needs time with his dad, but find out what your son's concerns are about, before having him spend the night.

I wish you the very best.


Shirley


Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC FACMPE
Executive director of The Blended and Step Family Resource CenterBest selling author of the book, Blended Family Advice

Coming back from college to a blended family

Guest post by Marina Salsbury:

Going to college is an exciting time for any young person. Meeting new friends and teachers, registering for classes and getting to know a new environment are all stimulating changes. However, it can also be a time of family changes. Some students are surprised and upset when their parents get divorced after they graduate from high school. They may be even more shocked when they come home on a school break after their parents have become involved with someone new, and find themselves faced with a blended family and new siblings to deal with.

Sharing a Household
Sharing the house with relative strangers can be challenging for anyone. Students coming home on a college break want to relax and connect with friends and family. Suddenly having a new family members to deal with can be difficult to adjust to immediately.

Some of the issues that can come up between step-sibling are territory and sharing space. Young adults often have a strong need to voice their opinions or make clear what spaces are their own and may not be receptive to sharing the rooms they grew up in. Having to negotiate things like using the television or sharing a communal computer with unfamiliar new family members can be hang-ups, too.

Personality differences can also be a source of friction. Being thrown into a household with unknown people and obliged to live with them is rarely enjoyable when it isn't by choice. It's not uncommon for new step-siblings to struggle over power and territory and to have difficulty knowing where they fit or what their roles are in the family.

Younger children may also resent having an older step-sibling suddenly appear on the scene during a school break after being gone to college for a while. The younger sibling may feel like the dynamic and players have changed yet again just when the new family arrangement was starting to be figured out.

Getting Used to Step-Parents
Another challenge for college students coming home to newly blended families can be learning to get along with new step-parents. They may resent the step-parents' roles with their birth parents, and become angry or upset when they witness affection between the two.

Children, no matter their age, can also feel conflicted if they begin to like their new step-parents. They may feel like they're betraying their birth parents, and become defensively angry, annoyed, or easily agitated toward one or the other.

Another issue that can arise in any blended family is tension about family and house rules. Families often have both overt and covert rules about behaviors. When the rules change, especially if they're unspoken, children may feel they no longer know how to behave or what expectations are.

Changes to rules that are stated outright can also be difficult to accept. In newly blended families, rules may change about how decisions are made or what types of behaviors are acceptable. Teens and young adults visiting from college can find it disconcerting and upsetting to realize the way of doing things they've always accepted has changed. In particular, they may resent feeling like they need to ask permission for anything from their step-parents.

The key to all these potential problems is clear communication. Parents would do well to ease their college-age children into new family dynamics as much as possible by discussing changes early on. It certainly won't do to let a new family situation be a total surprise to a visiting college child.

Regardless of how old children are, they'll still tend to think of their birth parents as their real parents. Step-parents may face an uphill battle to help their new family members become comfortable with them without forcing issues. Showing respect through honest and open communication with young people is the best attitude new step-parents can take. However, even if there aren't any huge tensions or hangups, everyone involved should expect a period of adjustment for all family members.

For more information or help for your blended family, check out The Blended and Step Family Resource Center.

Guest Post by Marina Salsbury- Marina  planned on becoming a teacher since high school, but found her way instead into online writing after college. She writes around the Web about everything from education to exercise.

Five biggest problems in a blended family or step family

Though blended families may be becoming more common today, that doesn’t mean they’re any easier to nurture. According to a report by Gary L. Sanders, the blended family has some developmental hardships and differences from traditional nuclear families. It doesn’t take a psychology degree to know that members of such families may need to have more time and patience to form a stable, functioning family than do traditional families because there are less resources available to fit the situation as a consequence of the term’s newness. Here are some strategies for dealing with the transition phase into the blended family.

Blended family child-rearing difficulties

When both parents in the household are not on the same parenting page, problems can arise, just as they can when each biological parent lives in separate households. It takes a lot of communication to avoid these problems altogether. First of all, it is of utmost importance to keep the children's interests in mind, while putting your spouse's interests first. You’ve got to present a united front. Doing so can save the marriage, and it can subsequently ensure a happier household. Child-rearing difficulties are a common ground for divorce, so it is vital that all adults involved are able to work together and to make joint decisions.

Sibling rivalry between step-children

Just as it can be difficult for a child to adjust to having a new baby in the household, it can also be difficult to add step-siblings into an existing family. It can be especially difficult when one family moves into the other family's home, where the children may feel like they do not belong. It is important to keep as much of a routine as possible, as well as to adjust the family's rules to fit your new situation. One sibling should not be made to feel less important than any other, and they should all have to follow the same rules so no one feels inadequate. Doing so will help avoid serious sibling rivalry.

Romance after remarriage

A second marriage in a blended family is much different than falling in love for the first time. A first marriage is all about romance and starting a new life together, while the second marriage is going to carry a little bit of baggage - there are children to worry about now, and biological parents, and on a romantic level, damaged expectations from a previous relationship. The practicalities of life often hinder any alone time that might be involved, but romance is vital in keeping a stable marriage. Set aside a block of time each week or every month, when mom and dad can do anything they like without the kids. Also, be sure to take a few minutes every day to check in with your spouse and to catch up on the day's events. Communication and romance are necessary elements in a marriage.

Respect for the step-parent

"You're not my mom!" Get used to hearing it. It won’t be a one time thing while you transition into your new family. Children will fight with a new authority figure, and they may have little respect for that adult. Or, maybe, if you’re a little bit luckier, they’ll see you as a friend instead of a parental figure. Yet no matter the situation, you have to work with your partner to be sure that they respect you. Don’t let the kids intimidate you; don’t let them walk all over you. Work with your partner to determine disciplinary action when children become disobedient and disrespectful.

Bonding with blended family members

Blended and step families who are able to get along well and to bond with one another are much happier as a result. Since some children may feel resentment toward new family members, it can be difficult to bond in the beginning. Parents need to understand that it is hard on children to uproot and to be placed in a new environment with different people. Give them some time, but make sure the line of communication is open. Spend some one-on-one time and let them know that you’re not just their mom’s new husband or dad’s new wife, but part of the family. Talk to the child and find out what is bothering him or her, so you can take the appropriate steps to work out any problems.

The creation of the blended family is as difficult as maintaining harmony in even the most traditional, “Leave it to Beaver” families. The biggest obstacle to maintaining harmony is making sure that, even if everyone’s needs are not being met, they’re being heard. Keep communication open and honest, and you’ll be well on your way to a happy family.

Note from Shirley Cress Dudley:  If you need more assistance, consider getting a copy of Blended Family Advice, or getting coaching at The Blended and Step Family Resource Center.

Guest Post from Allison Gamble

Allison Gamble has been a curious student of psychology since high school. She brings her understanding of the mind to work with psychologydegree.net

Should my stepchild have a photo of the ex in his room?

A step mom recently asked:
Is it O.K. for my stepchild to have a picture of his mom in his room? What about a photo of his mom and his dad together (my husband with his ex.) That really bugs me and I wonder if it's O.K.


Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

Blended families are tough.  Good for you- for reaching out, when you need an outside opinion.  There's nothing wrong with a child having a photo of their "other" parent in their room. 

Having a photo of mom and dad together is not healthy- it perpetuates the dream of mom and dad getting back together. This photo needs to be put in a special album or her, or stored away.

Parents sometimes say- "but he's been through so much- can't he just keep the photo?"  These are the parents that stand together for a group "family" photo at school events, or even get together at the holidays, "for the kids."

These are the parents that are keeping their kids from accepting reality- ignoring the changes that have happened in their lives.  These parents are keeping their children from healing, and learning to cope with life when it doesn't go the way they want to. These parents are actually hurting their kids, by shielding them from reality and allowing things like couple's photos in the home.

Let your partner read this- it may help.

Shirley Cress Dudley

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

author of the book, Blended Family Advice

One of my kids just won't accept our new blended family

A blended family mom recently asked what can be done about her daughter who isn't accepting her new stepdad and the blended family. It's been several years, and all the other kids are adapting.


Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

You may not like this answer- but here is what I believe needs to happen:

Your daughter needs discipline.  She doesn’t have to like your husband or her step siblings, but she is required to be polite, friendly and respectful. If she is not, then she should experience consequences (by you- as the biological parent.)

Life changes, things happen to us that we can’t control, and we don’t like, but we have to adapt- that’s just life.  It’s time for her to learn how to adapt. As a parent, it’s your job to teach her.  By requiring her to adapt to her new blended family, you will be helping equip her for life. Don’t label her as non-adaptable- it’s basically just poor behavior and it needs to stop. She’s running the show by trying to getting things the way she wants them to be, 100% of the time- and that’s not life (not in a family, a marriage, a job, or anything.)

I recommend the book Blended Family Advice or also seeking blended family coaching, so that you have the support you need while making these changes in your parenting and in your family.

Good luck.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC FACMPE

Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Sandra Staub- New coach for The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Hi, I’m Sandra Staub, counseling and coaching from New Orleans, and one of the new coaches, here at The Blended and Step Family Resource Center.

I want to give you a little more information about me and my work as a licensed counselor and a coach within the Blended and Step Family Resource Center of Charlotte, North Carolina. 

As a child, my mother was born into a blended family.  Back then people didn’t call it a “blended family”…back then we said, “step-family” and it came with step-mom, step-dad, and step-sibs.  Looking back at my mom’s family from my teen and young adult years, I saw some things that I felt were not right…not fair to my mom’s step-sibs.  Though I could not articulate it, as a child I could see things that I sensed needed to be different in the adult world I watched.  This awareness helps me know that children see much around them that they are unable to verbalize.  

My goal in coaching is for our conversations to make a positive difference in your family.  If what you are doing today isn’t working, my job as your coach is to talk with you about doing some things different.  Maybe it will be for you to learn to really listen to your mate or to one of the children…maybe it will be about the consequences needing to be enforced with one of the children…maybe it will be for you and your mate to learn (how) to put your marriage at the center of your family…or maybe it’s acceptance of how unexpectedly difficult this is right from the start of your marriage.  

Whatever the issue is, if you are willing to look at it… to talk about it…to deal with it, we can work together for you and your mate to build a strong and successful blended family.  

Until next time, 

Sandra

Sandra M. Staub, LPC

New to the Blended and Step Family Resource Center- Logan Campbell!

Hello, I'm Logan Campbell and I am so excited to come aboard the Blended and Step Family Resource Center!

I am a licensed professional counselor and high school counselor in Charlotte, NC.  I have had extensive experience working with children, teenagers and adults living in blended families and have also had personal experience as a child  living in a blended family.  I can definitely relate to the challenges- and benefits J of blended families and am passionate about empowering families to create stable and successful lives together.  

I truly look forward to hearing from you and sharing ideas on the issues you face and the successes you have made! I am available for telephone coaching and also in-person coaching in Charlotte, NC.

Thanks for welcoming me to the team! 

Logan Campbell, LPC

Coach for The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

New coaches, BIG SALE and 5th year anniversary for Blended Families!

I am so excited to tell you what's happening at The Blended and Step Family Resource Center. We've hired two additional counselors- Logan Campbell- a licensed professional counselor and school counselor in Charlotte NC, and Sandra Staub, a licensed professional counselor in New Orleans.  Having two more people to help with the blended and step family coaching will allow more families to receive guidance for their blended families!

The May Newsletter is out, with news about celebrating Mother's Day and planning for summer vacation visitation. Check it out.

Also- it's the 5th year anniversary for The Blended and Step Family Resource Center and EVERYTHING'S on SALE!  We want to give back to all of our blended and step families, that have participated in the resource center over the years with some great deals.  Don't forget to go to the store and get whatever you need before the sale ends on May 23rd at 6pm Eastern.

If you need more information for your Blended Family or Step Family

If you find the Blended Family Advice Blog interesting, and want more information for your blended family or step family- go to The Blended and Step Family Resource Center. You can also email a short question to Shirley Cress Dudley, director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center here:
Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Did you know that blended and step families are now the most common family in America?  Yes- more than nuclear families.

Talk to you again soon,

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

The Blended and Step Family February 2011 Newsletter

If you haven't seen it yet, the February 2011 Blended and Step family Newsletter is available at The Blended and Step Family Resource Center.  In this month's newsletter, we discuss the importance of putting your marriage first, and keeping it a priority in your blended family.

We also have a special contest this month, to those of you that have had babies born to your blended families or step families, or have a baby due in the coming months. Submit your family photo and tell what this baby means to your blended family.  Email entries to Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com  Winner's name will be drawn February 28th, and they will me mailed a free copy of Kevin Mills, Baby Codes- 101 Winning Combinations to Help Your Baby Sleep. 

Good luck!  Send your blended or step family friends to the contest, if they have a new baby or are expecting a baby.  Details listed in The Blended and Step Family Newsletter- February 2011. 

Stepmom wonders about balance Blended Family Time

A stepmom asks:

I have a boyfriend with 2 kids that are under 18. I get along well with both kids.  I do not have kids of my own – my decision I am 44.  This is the first time I have had children in my life.  I am an only child and I was very up front and honest with my boyfriend about who I am, my personality, being an only child my life is about “me”  I am black and white little room for grey etc.  Our relationship moved quickly and we have been living together almost 2 years.  During some “learning curves” on my end, I was asked to include the kids in my life and I have almost 100%.  We have them on the every other weekend deal.  I honestly don’t think I am having “kid” issues as much as I am having relationship issues.

Okay here is my question – is it okay for the three of them to make plans and not include me and not ask me to go – even though I would not have gone.  Their plans are usually last minute type things and just leave me at home.

I feel left out, not included, and a little used for when I am needed.  I brought it up a few times as it has happened before and I get they are my kids.  I need to be able to do things with them without feeling guilty.  Should I be feeling left out here?  It is NOT all the time, but when it happens it is out of the blue and never any notice.  I am the planner – he is not.  I am the communicator and he is not.  I found out we were getting the kids for a 4-dayer by the 16 year old not my boyfriend.  I am really, really new at the kid thing and I think I try really hard – actually I was told I try to hard and do too much.  I just throw up my hands – thoughts? 

I try to find resources, but I am not a step mom, I am not a mom. 

Thanks.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

You really have a good perspective on this and have thought through it very thoroughly.

Your question is valid and I can answer it with some key principles for you and your boyfriend to follow:

A blended family needs balance- balance of couple time, parent/child time, and blended family time.  The couple takes priority (to give the kids a good example of a lasting relationship, and if the relationship isn’t working- nothing else really matters.)  The goal is for the couple to work together to do what’s best for the family.

Look for a balance during each visit with the kids:

• Couple time:  even if it is the kid’s weekend, there should be some couple time planned in that weekend, staying up later together, getting up early for coffee together, to just taking a few minutes out of each day to connect and talk.
• Parent/Child time:  it’s important for your boyfriend to spend time with his kids (without you.)  This doesn’t mean that when they visit, everything else is cancelled and the sole focus is on them, but it does mean running errands together, or maybe catching a movie together every now and then, or just playing basketball for 30 minutes together.
• Blended Family time:  it’s also important for you as a whole family to spend time together.  Even though they aren’t your kids, you are co-parenting as their stepmom, and should be an active part of their lives.

The tough part is figuring out the right balance. (Just a hint:  I’ve never had a blended family couple with problems that had too much couple time, it’s usually the ones who have too much parent/child or too much blended family time that have the issues.)

Since you are a planner and your boyfriend is not- then you could use your planning skills to help him with balance. “Honey, I understand the kids are coming this weekend. What time do you want to spend with them, alone- and what sort of things could we do as a blended family?  Here are my ideas…..” 

and, don’t forget, both of you, to spend time together, as a couple, each day, (dedicated- just the two of you) even if the kids are there.

As far as him doing an activity with the kids and not inviting you- the two of you should discuss the weekend, in advance, even if it’s an informal conversation.  (If he plans on spending Saturday morning with the kids, and you agree- then theoretically he could do any activity, within reason, and not mention it to you…. But, it would be nice to mention what he was thinking about, and then ask you if you want to be included.)

I hope that helps. Other resources are reading the articles on my website, getting the book Blended Family Advice, or also, for a little comic relief (laugh out loud, but slightly irreverent perspective-) The Package Deal:  My (no-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom by Izzy Rose (Amazon.com) or her website Step Mother’s Milk.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Consultant for  Performance Online Marketing Services

Should child call his stepdad "Daddy?"

A concerned family member asks:

What do you think about a 3 year old calling his mom’s fiancé “Daddy?”  The real daddy has been in jail for two years awaiting trial on charges brought by the 3 yrs old mom when the dad was trying to break up with her.  The trial was conducted in late September and the real dad was found innocent of all charges and released.  The real dad now has supervised visitation 2 days per work and plans on being an active part of his son's life and is being re-introduced as "Daddy" to his son.

The mom's fiancé has been around the little boy for 15 - 16 months and calls the him daddy. The mom and real dad do not talk or see each other due to a restraining order filed by the mom 7 months ago while the dad was still in jail.

Any advice on how to handle in the best interest of the little boy is appreciated.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

I know the biological dad may be concerned about his son calling his ex-wife’s fiancé “daddy”- but don’t worry. Little children are very flexible and logically need to have a mommy and a daddy in their home. The 3 year old won’t have a problem calling both “daddy.”  It should be explained to him, though, that although both men love him very much, his real daddy, the one who was there when he was born and is related to him is his biological dad.

Please tell the biological dad not to worry. His son will always be his son. I encourage him to rebuild a relationship with his son and spend quality time with him.  He could refer to the other man as “the daddy in mom’s house” so his son could hear the difference between the two men.

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Author of Blended Family Advice- the step-by-step guide for blended and step families to help them become strong and successful.

My fiancé is still posing for family photos with his ex-spouse

A future blended mom asks:

help!  My fiancé is still posing, each year, for Christmas family photos with his ex-wife and his kids. They also celebrate Christmas together, each year. He doesn't see any harm in it, and says the kids like it. I don't think this is right- what can I do?

Shirley Cress Dudley Responds:

You are right, your fiancé does not belong in family photos of family that no longer exists.  Some parents believe that by celebrating the holidays together (even though they are divorced) is best for the kids.  In reality- it’s cruel to the kids.  By continuing to celebrate Christmas together, and taking group/family photos, it gives the kids hope that mom and dad may be together again someday (every child’s hope and dream.)

If both parents have remarried, (or are engaged) and everyone can attend and will get along- then it’s fine for everyone to be there, as long as it’s everyone.

It’s time for your fiancé to have his own Christmas celebrations. I don’t know how long this has been going on, but as soon as he separated from his ex, he should have begun celebrating the holidays separately.  The kids need to see the “new world” and that includes dad as a single person, and one who, as an adult, can celebrate birthdays and other holidays, in his own home. Now that you are engaged, it should be a celebration with you, your fiancé and all of your kids- if that’s possible. If not possible, then make sure once you are married you celebrate together as a blended family.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Post Step Family Holiday Blues

If the holidays did not go as planned, and you have some bad memories of the last few days, there is still hope for your blended family. Here are some things you can do:


Talk with your spouse about how you would have done things differently.  Listen to your mate as you discuss together what to do that will benefit all of your family. Plan a different strategy for next year. Discuss what you did enjoy and rejoice in your successes.


Take your biological kids aside and discuss the holidays. Tell them how important it is for you to have all of your blended family together for the holidays, and for this family to be kind and friendly to each other.  Discuss what went well, and what could have been done differently. Parents- don't forget the rude, disrespectful and unkind behavior should be disciplined immediately- no matter how old the child is- even adult children can be asked to leave your home when behaving badly.


It also may be time to get some counseling or blended family coaching. Reading a few good books, or talking to someone educated in blended and step families can give you and your mate insight into some new ideas for your step family issues.


Above all, rejoice in the fact that the holidays are over, and you and your family survived!  Remember the good times, and know that even the bad memories are ones you may sit around the fire (hopefully) and laugh at next year.


I wish for you and your family a new start for 2011, and the best year ever!

Kindest Regards,
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC
Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center.

Best Visitation Schedule for My 18 Month Old

A newly separated mom asks:

 

My son's father and I are trying to come up with a reasonable visitation schedule that is best for my son. He wanted to do Mon, Wed, Friday and every other Sunday. I want a schedule with stability for him, and I don't think switching back and forth every other day is stability. I have never done this before so I want to know some sort of visitation schedule that would be best for a 18 month old.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

Deciding the best visitation schedule can be tough.  I agree with you that every other day could be confusing for your son and also confusing for you and your ex-spouse

There are several different types of visitation schedules that seem to be common among blended families: Shared Visitation: one week with one parent, and then one week with the other parent.  Primary Custody: one parent has primary custody and the other parent sees the child every other weekend and 1-2 days (Tuesday and Thursday, or Wednesday) during the week.

What's important is that your son has a relationship with both mom and dad.  You don't have to like your ex-spouse, but it's important to encourage your child to have a relationship with his dad, and speak positively about those visits.

You can try several different schedules until the two of you agree on what works out best for you and your ex. Your child will be fine with any of the schedules I mentioned, and most likely the schedule you mentioned also.  (He would probably be the one the least confused.)

If you keep the main goal in mind, a relationship with both parents, any of these options will be fine.

Kindest Regards-

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Research on Blended Families

A undergraduate college student from Weber State University is doing research on Blended Families and Religiosity. If you are interested in participating- here is the link.

Once you have completed the Blended Family Survey- you have the choice of an Amazon.com or BarnesandNoble.com $5.00 gift card.

The survey takes approximately 7-10 minutes to complete.