My 14-year-old stepdaughter won't speak to me

A stepmom asks:

My partners' 14-year-old daughter barely speaks to me. What to do? Her dad and I have been together almost 2 years now.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
2 years is a long time. Unfortunately, the process will more difficult than if you had just become a blended family. I’m guessing that your stepdaughter isn’t in the home full time, but comes for visits. Because she isn’t in your home full time, you have tolerated her behavior.

Here’s what I would do:
Talk with your husband and agree that having members of your blended family not speaking to each other is not acceptable. Agree on some house rules for every child in the home (whether they live there full time or just visit.) Set aside a time for you to present your house rules to the kids. Explain that you’re a little late getting started, but it’s not too late to make positive changes. (If something happened to make this behavior especially intolerable, you may want to mention it.

Explain that there are consequences for not respecting the rules of the house. (Make sure you have a consequence ready and the biological parent is ready to enforce them.)

Here are some typical rules:
-Be kind to everyone in this house. Talk to all blended family members and treat them like you would like to be treated.
-Be respectful of all adults in this home. Obey any requests from all adults in this home.
-Keep your area clean.

End the discussion reminding all children that you love them and want what’s best for them. Explain that part of being an adult is teaching children what’s right.

Your stepdaughter will be confused and angry. She is pleased with the current situation- ignoring you and acting as if you don’t exist. She will go to her father and try to get him to “side” with her; she’ll probably say that the request to speak to you is “too hard” or “unreasonable.” Be prepared for this. You and your husband need to present a united front. You husband needs to explain to her that he loves you and you are his wife. As his wife, you are to be respected as an adult in this home, one that he consults on parenting issues. He should explain that is would make him happy to see her “come around” and be a part of his family.

If your stepdaugher continues her behavior (ignoring you) then your husband will need to enforce consequences. These consequences may have to increase, if your stepdaughter is stubborn and doesn’t want to change. Also, your husband should not arrange special one-on-one times with his daughter during this transition. He can talk privately with her, as he transports her to your home, or in a room in your home- but not take her out for ice cream, movie or hot chocolate to discuss this.

I had another thought... you mentioned "partner" and not "husband." If you are truly committed to this relationship, it's time to take the commitment to the next level and get married. Your stepdaughter will have much less trouble with this transition if you are officially and legally her stepmom. I know it's just a piece of paper, but you are standing before your friends, family and God- committing your life to each other. It truly does make a difference.

It will take several months for these changes to occur, but once your daughter acknowledges that her dad has remarried and she is now part of a blended family, all of your lives will be easier and more enriched by spending time with each other. Good luck. It’s going to be tough, but it’s time for this change to happen.

You may also want to purchase a copy of Blended Family Advice, and attend The Blended and Step Family Online Conference that starts March 26th. Go to United Marriage and Family Associates.com for more information on signing up for the conference.

Marriage and Family Online Conference

It's finally coming-and I'm so excited. The first Marriage and Family Online Conference will be here on March 26th! The topic of this month's conference is Blended and Step Families. Right now, we are in the final stages of choosing the presenters. You will be able to hear 10 presentations (teleseminars, videos or webinars) for one low price of $39.99 (per person or couple.)

This ongoing conference is presented by United Marriage and Family Associates. Each month, a different topic will be featured.

In March, Richard Barnes, attorney, will discuss "Estate Planning in Your Blended Family."

Shirley Cress Dudley, founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center will have a webinar on "Successful communications with your Ex."

Dr. Matt Crain, founder of Connecting Fathers and Families will discuss "How to be a great dad when your kids don't live with you fulltime."

More presenters and their information is to coming....

Register now for the low fee of $39.99- On March 22nd, conference fee goes up to $59.99.

Future stepmom is unsure about her blended family

A future stepmom asks:

I am becoming a step parent. We are coming off a nine day stay with my fiancé's son and I am very burnt out. The child has some tough days and I felt my patience just wasn't there. I also am overwhelmed because we were spending an hour or more a day just talking about the child and accessing his needs. I feel like I can't hear anymore or be with child for a long time. This feeling makes me feel really guilty. The child and I get along and he really likes me, but sometimes I wonder if I like him.

Shirley Cress Dudley, blended and step family coach responds:
I’ll try to answer your question as best as I can without all the information. It’s important to have balance. All of your time (whether your stepson is visiting or not) should have balance. Their should be some couple time (just you and your husband) some parent/child time (for dad/son,) some family time (everyone in your blended family) and also time for you- alone, to rejuvenate and restore your well being. It’s possible that the trip (as some vacations can be) was a bit unbalanced, and wore you down.


Also- it’s best for you and your future husband to develop your own set of house rules. When your stepson visits, he should be told what the expectations of your home are and the consequences of not following these expectations. When noncustodial kids visit, it shouldn’t be a “Disneyland” atmosphere- where they get anything they want. It should still be regular family, with rules and boundaries. I recommend the biological parent taking the lead in any discipline regarding disobeying the house rules.

You may never feel the same love for your stepson as a biological child. (Some people do, but some- after many years, still don’t feel the same love for their step kids.) That’s O.K. – really it is. You just need to love your future husband, and love your stepson through him. That way, when you are co-parenting him, you are doing what you believe is best for the one that you love, your husband.

Blended families are tough, but it is possible to have a happy, adjusted home with step kids and a blended family. You may want to read some of the blended and step family articles on the website for more information

And also consider purchasing a copy of Blended Family Advice. (It’s like an instruction manual for new step parents.) Here’s the link for more information on the book.


I hope this information helps.
Kindest Regards,
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended and Step Family Coach
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Problems with biological mom and inconsistent house rules

A stepmom asked recently:
I was just recently married, but been with the same man for 6 years now. We both have sons and I have known his son his whole life. His real mother has been in and out of his life, and she comes around when it is convenient for her. Every time she does show up, I have to let him see her, although I think that its just going to make more problems for him in the long run. My biggest problem is that he has structure here and rules. Every time he visits with his mother its completely different, she doesn't make him listen- she lets him walk all over her and she gives him everything he wants- no rules, no structure. He comes home thinking that it should be that way here as well, sometimes goes as far to say that he loves her more and wants to be with her. It really disrupts our blended family.

We won custody of him a long time ago due to her bad decisions to take him in bars and leave him downstairs to watch movies while she goes upstairs with men. I just don't know what to do, I have no patience for her and her stupid decisions anymore, and it's causing problems for him and my husband and me as well. I find myself being so angry and frustrated at my stepson, and his mom and everyone all the time now. what can I do??

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
I know it's frustrating for you, but you're truly doing the right things. Providing guidelines and boundaries for your stepson show that you love him.

Since you and your husband won custody of your stepson, I would recommend setting up some visitation guidelines, or a formal visitation agreement with his biological mom. That way- she can't just come and go as she pleases.

I know your stepson is testing you when he returns from her visits, pushing the boundaries and seeing if you'll let him get away with anything. That's O.K.- maintain your houserules, and remind him that when he returns from a visit with his mom, your houserules have not changed, and your expectations of him have not changed. He will protest, but kids really do appreciate boundaries and know that you love them when you give them rules and guidelines.

Keep up the good work as a stepmom, and just be consistent, and try not to worry!
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended and Step Coach
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
Blended and Step Family Coach
http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com

Shirley Cress Dudley on Traveling Mom Blog Talk Radio

Don't miss Kim Orlando/Traveling Mom interviewing Shirley Cress Dudley, founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center today!

Ideas on how to beat the winter blues in your blended or step family with TravelingMom- Blog Talk Radio today 1:30pm EST 646-929-1735

Stepdaughter draws evil pictures of her stepmother

Recently, I received this question from a stepmom:
My 9-year-old stepdaughter is having problems accepting me in her life as her stepmother. She is very close to her real mother and has told me numerous times that she hates me and doesn't want me in her life. She has been acting up a lot and showing lots of aggression and disobedience towards her Dad and me. It has gone as far as her not even hugging her Dad or wanting to come to her Dad's house because she doesn't like me. The other day she drew a picture of me with devil horns and a tail. Her mother defends her by saying that she is just merely expressing herself. I am very hurt by her drawings and just want her to like me. We are talking to a counselor about her behavior but the counselor is siding with her mom saying that the drawings are just an expression of her. Her Dad and I have been married for five years now. What can I do to get her to accept me and not take her hate for me out on her Dad?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds: I would have agreed with the counselor and her mom, if you had not added that you’ve been married for five years. My guess is that her mom is saying negative things about you and encouraging her daughter to hate you. “Hate” is a strong word- but divorced parents are sometimes very confused, and think that getting the children involved in their adult issues will somehow make the situation better. It sounds as if your husband’s ex-wife has some unresolved anger and bitterness towards the divorce and then remarriage. Involving her daughter in this anger and bitterness is very unhealthy.

It’s time for your husband to talk to his ex-wife about his expectations of how they raise their daughter. Each parent should do the best they can to parent the child, and to support the other parent in their role. Your husband’s ex is trying to get her daughter to choose between you and her. By making you evil, the biological mom is assuring her daughter that she really loves her. This is nonsense.

Your husband needs to talk to the mother of his child about speaking positively of all adults involved in this co-parenting process. (All adults means you too.) To do the best job raising their daughter, she needs to be in an environment where she knows all the adults care about her and want what’s best for her. Her mother can help this situation by speaking positively about dad’s wife and the role she has in her life. He also needs to tell her mom that the two of you will speak positively about her, at all times, in front of her daughter (and fully expect the same behavior from her.)

Why should she do it? (She will ask….) Well- by continuing to teach her daughter that her stepmother is evil, she will eventually lose a healthy relationship with her father, distrust anyone her mother decides to marry, and- at some point, will realize what her mother is doing, resent her mother’s actions, and break off a relationship with her too. This pattern will result in a very confused teenager, and someone that will be counting the days to leave home and figure out how to have a normal life without crazy parents.

Unfortunately, your husband can talk to his ex, and she may choose to ignore his requests. In your own home, here are some steps you can take:
• When she is visiting, make sure you have house-rules/expectations in place. (Example: rudeness and disrespectfulness will not be accepted.) Her biological dad should enforce any consequences from her poor behavior. Make sure you go over the expectations with her, in advance, so she understands the rules of the house and the consequences. (For more information on developing house rules, read, Blended Family Advice, section two.)
• The two of you tell her, regularly, that you love her and enjoy spending time with her and having her a part of your blended family.
• Find opportunities to tell her that you know you’re not her mom, and never want to take the place of her mom. However, you’re happy to be a part of her life as an additional adult to love her and care for her. If she is rude, walk away, and let her father talk with her about her behavior (along with providing consequences.)
• Also have her father talk to her about the difference between a mom and a stepmom, and how there is no competition. She can love both of you, and both of you can love her.

It’s going to take some time. I hope your husband can convince his ex that her negative words about you are really hurting her daughter. If not, then your husband and you can create as normal an environment as possible (after-all- none of us are perfect,) with two loving parents- who maintain a loving home with rules and expectations, when she visits. Good luck to you. She’s still young, and I believe you can really make a difference in her life if you take action now.