Are You A Disney Dad?

Are you a “Disney Dad?”
• Do you get nervous when it’s time for your child(ren) to visit?
• Do you want everything to be perfect and your child(ren) happy at all times?
• Do you try to make wonderful plans, over the top, AMAZING activities each time they come over?
• Do you ignore your spouse and other family members during the visit?
If you answered yes to at least two of these questions…then you’re a Disney Dad!

Is this a bad thing? Well – yes and no. It’s great that you love your kids- no problem with that. It’s wonderful that you want to make your kids happy- that’s O.K. too. But is it realistic that you’ll keep them happy ALL the time? Nope.

Unrealistic Hopes
You are worrying yourself into an impossible situation. You can’t please your child(ren) all the time. If you really want to do this, I recommend divorcing your current spouse, giving up your job, your blended family, friends, hobbies, and possibly sleep too- but I need to warn you- it won’t be enough. Kids sense this struggle, and they will whine and whine, scream for MORE- attempting to get you to “raise the bar” every weekend. Will it ever satisfy them? Of course not- but your kids don’t know this.

What Do Children Really Need?
Children need love, belonging and recognition. They want to know that you love them and they are an important part of your life. How do you show them? By including them in your life.

Take them on your errands. Eat meals with your blended family, and involve them in family activities. It’s O.K. to have some one-on-one time over the weekend, but that shouldn’t be your main focus. Your child(ren) needs to see that they are a part of your family and part of your life. Those of you who have remarried and have step kids living with you- it’s important to show your biological children that they “fit” in this family, and you want them to be a part of it.

Who’s in Charge?
Right now- it’s your child(ren.) They really want structure and leadership from you. It’s time to be their parent and not their friend. They have friends, but they need to see some stability, structure and leadership from you.

It’s not time to eliminate discipline or instruction from you. Your child wants to please you and have you proud of him/her. By discussing your expectations with them, you are guiding them to be more responsible and continue becoming the best person they can be.

How Much Effect Can I Have, 26 Weekends a Year and a Couple of Holidays?
You’d be surprised how much effect a non-custodial father can have on his child(ren.) The role of a father in a child’s life is crucial. Your visits with them are great, but you can also maintain your relationship with phone calls, texts and even communicating with them on Facebook. Children need their father- a male role model in their lives. Don’t minimize the effect you can have on your child(ren.) When your child(ren) visits, show them a normal family, and a normal marriage- not a time where one person overshadows everyone else’s needs- that’s not normal or healthy.

Conclusion
As you are reading this article, some of you are saying, “Well, a couple of those points sound familiar, but I’m not as bad as all that.” Just a hint- if a couple of these paragraphs apply, then you’re a Disney dad. As my husband says, “Walks like a duck, sounds like a duck…..it’s a duck” In other words- don’t deny it, it’s time for change.

For more information, get your own copy of Blended Family Advice it’s a great instruction manual for how to be a remarried dad in a blended family.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She is the founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center. Shirley has a passion for helping blended and step families grow strong and be successful. Sign up for our Free newsletter and receive a Free Report- Top Ten Worst Mistakes You Can Make in Your Blended Family,
http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com

(You are welcome to reprint this article, as long as it is reprinted, unedited, in it’s entirety, along with the bio at the end. Thank you.)

Blended Family Advice: Getting Reading Emotionally for the Holidays in a Blended Family

Blended Family Advice: Getting Reading Emotionally for the Holidays in a Blended Family

Getting Reading Emotionally for the Holidays in a Blended Family

The holidays can be a time of great stress and also depression for both adults and children. Memories of the past, both positive and negative, can bring sadness into your newly blended family.

Talk about the pain
Children sometimes have trouble expressing their emotions. Little ones may “act out” instead of being able to express their feelings. For younger children, it’s helpful for parents to talk to them and explain that- “I know things are different this year, and everything’s a bit unfamiliar. Your Mom and I still love you very much. The holidays will be different, and we aren’t married anymore, but you are still loved.”

Older kids and teenagers may be able to discuss their feelings. They may ask if Mom and Dad can celebrate the holidays together. If either of their parents has not remarried, this is very confusing for the kids, and gives the impression that Mom and Dad could reunite one day. Don’t celebrate together unless both parents have remarried and you are able to have a happy, civil holiday together.

Be prepared for your ex-spouse to have extra holiday emotions
Your ex-spouse may also be sensitive around the holidays. Small events, such as changing the visitation schedule by a couple of hours may set your ex-spouse into a tizzy. Take a deep breath, and don’t get defensive. Remember that everyone has heightened emotions around the holidays. Try to communicate by text or email, instead of picking up the phone to hear an ex-spouse yelling on the line.

Don’t stress about the details
Everything will not work out perfectly. The kids may transition to your home late, the turkey may not cook completely, or your ex-spouse may even sabotage your holiday meal by stuffing the kids with sweets right before dropping them off to your house. It’s O.K.- really! Just try to relax, life isn’t normally perfect, so don’t expect your holidays to be completely perfect either.

It just gets easier
As the years pass, it will become easier and easier for your blended family to celebrate the holidays together. Children will learn what’s expected of them, memorize the rotation (Am I at Mom or Dad’s house the week before Christmas?) and become accustomed to celebrating with their stepsiblings and stepparents.

Get your copy of The Blended Family Survival Kit to help your family become strong and successful.
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended and Step Family Expert

Free Parenting Webinar, The Art of Consequences

Have you heard of the old Chinese proverb... "Parents who are afraid to put their foot down usually have children who tread on their toes." Does that sound like you, at times?

Then, it's time to sign up for the free parenting webinar, The Art of Consequences, with Amy McCready.

Free Parenting Webinar

You may have recently read the article, in the NY Times, or also your local paper (it was featured in my local paper) that “Shouting is the new Spanking.” Here is the link, if you are interested. http://bit.ly/33SsYl

I met Amy McCready recently, and we talked about how our missions are similar. I work with blended and step families, and Amy works with parents. Amy McCready has agreed to offer a free webinar to the subscribers of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center. Amy is the founder of Positive Parenting Solutions. Here’s more information about the webinar:

Free Parenting Webinar
Who Should Attend: Parents of children ages 1-16 who want to learn concrete tools to effectively correct misbehavior – without yelling, nagging or punishing.
What You’ll Learn: Amy McCready, Founder of Positive Parenting Solutions will present a fun and interactive training session designed to teach you…
• why children really misbehave
• the formula for correcting misbehavior…permanently
• the 4 “must haves” for an effective consequence
• how to reduce your parenting stress and feel more confident in the most important job you’ll ever have.
Date: Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Time: 9:00 - 10:00 p.m. Eastern
Access: All you need is a computer with a speaker to hear the presentation. We’ll send you the log in instructions.
Cost: No charge for participants at the live event! The webinar recording will be available for purchase for those who could not attend the live presentation for $39.95.
We’re excited to be able to offer this free webinar. To register, go to: http://bit.ly/3GeJWl

Problems with StepKids

A blended mom asks:
My fiance and I have 2 children together ages 3 and 5. He also has 3 older children from previous relationships ages 7, 8 and 12. Since my first child was born, he has accused me and HIS family of treating his children by me better than his other children. Of course his family and I feel that that is not true.

His other children, my stepkids, live in another state. The problem is that his children do spend summers here. I love his children, but the 7-year-old has never respected me, nor do I trust her around my children unsupervised. For example, this summer, I saw her trying to convince my 3-year-old to eat something that could have hurt him. My 3-year-old had enough sense to tell her that he didn't want it because he thought it was medicine. She was telling him that it was candy. Even her older sister told them that it was medicine and that he shouldn't eat it, but the 7-year-old was insisting that it was candy. Of course, I chimed in and told them to throw it away whatever it was. (This happened while we were visiting the 7 and 8 year-old's home). I have not yet mentioned this to my fiance.. This is not the first incident that we have had concerning her, and it always causes us to argue.

Furthermore, when he fights with the other biological moms, he threatens to fight for full custody of the other kids. I feel like I have enough on my shoulders raising my two children let alone 2 or 3 other step-children that have perfectly capable mothers. Do you think this blended family can work, or should we hold off on getting married?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
I read through your question several times and I’m not sure where to start. I’ll try to answer your questions even though I don’t think I have the whole picture. (Not your fault – it’s just difficult through email.)

O.K.- here’s what I think-

I believe if you have two kids together, you ought to try to make it work, and ought to get married. I do believe that the commitment of marriage improves the relationship and also the relationships with the ex-spouses.

Talk with your husband about family rules. When kids are in your home (biological or step) they should abide by your family rules. You and your husband should spend some dedicated time together and develop these rules. Present your house rules to the kids along with consequences of them disobeying. Each child should follow the same rules. Check out Blended Family Advice book for more information.

As far as your husband’s perception of your/his kids being treated better than the kids from previous marriages, it may be because these kids live with you. It is easy to love, spend time with, and do things for the kids that are living with us. He can’t take it personally, if the other kids only visit and are not there full time. Tell him that the two of you can treat all the kids equally and also remind the relatives to do so (and that you prefer it) if you see your biological kids getting any preferences or extra attention. (Now- attention due to proximity is different. If the relatives are spending more time with your biological kids because they are living near them, just remember to bring the stepkids around these relatives when they are visiting.) It is tough, but treat them as equally as possible and remind your relatives that you want them to do the same.

Remember that your relationship (and future marriage) should take priority. If you focus on your relationship, the rest of the family will do better. Talk with your husband about your concerns about the 7 year old. Start off with, “I love ____, but there’s something I need to tell you about her that makes me uncomfortable. I need for us, as a couple, to figure out what to do.” He is on your side, your team- so, talk with him about your concerns. I know it sounds difficult to raise all of the kids (it’s unlikely that he will win full custody) but if it happens, it may actually be easier to parent your stepkids if they are in the house full time. Talk the positives/negatives over with your husband about this also.

I hope that helped, and addressed most of the issues you mentioned in your email. If your issues continue, you may want to consider coaching. www.blendedfamilyadvice.com/coachingwithshirleydudley

Step son and son issues

A Reader recently asked: My son and step son recently had a falling out. The boys are both 17. My step son was caught drinking and partying at his mom's house. (did not involve my son at all). When questioned by his mom he "offered" up that my son and he had drank and smoked pot together before. My stepson's mom told us and we had to discipline my son. My son is furious and feels the his brother ratted him out for no good reason. When my boys were 14 my stepson stole my son's wallet and lied about it, so there is a bit of a history of lack of trust. My son forgave him for that but this seemed to have sent him over the top. They will not talk to each other and the whole household is upset and stressed. What should we do as parents in this situation? My step kids some every other week.

Shirley Cress Dudley's response:
I see several issues:
*The boys have a trust issue and also and issue “bonding” as family members
*Discipline issues (including- both boys are smoking pot and drinking)

To work on the trust issues and blending your family, it would be helpful to schedule family activities (at least one) every weekend your stepson is present. I know it’s tough to get teenagers to stay at home and participate, but it is essential to bringing your family closer together. An idea might be to require the boys to be home for a family meal before going out for the evening. It’s helpful to tell both boys that you love them and would like for them to try to get along.

Also, you have some discipline issues- it is important for you and your spouse to decide on house rules and expectations. These guidelines should be for all the kids, visiting or living in the house full time. Once you and your spouse agree on those guidelines, present them to the boys, and inform them that there are consequences for disobeying/not respecting the guidelines. I recommend letting the biological parent enforce the consequences.

While I understand your son’s feelings that his stepbrother “ratted on him,” it is unacceptable for either boy, in your blended family, to engage in underage drinking or pot smoking.-that should be the primary concern. Even if the rules are different at his biological mom’s house, it is important for you to do what’s best for the boys, when they are in your home. You will find an unusual benefit to these new rules- your boys will bond with each other against the adults! That’s fine, but stand firm in your expectations for them. Soon, these boys will be on their own, and suffer more serious consequences from disobeying the law.

It’s tough to answer all of the issues in a brief email. Let me know if this information is helpful and gives you more ideas on actions to take.

Shirley Cress Dudley
Blended and Step Family expert

Attending a stepmother's funeral

A mom asks: I am seeking advice on the "rules" for blended families with regard to funerals and memorial services. This family event reminds me I have so much to learn about blended families beyond my immediate family situation and I find your blog very interesting and helpful to that end.

Would you be willing to share your opinion on the following situation? My significant other is part of a blended family. His parents divorced when he was a young adult and both parents remarried. He lives 10 hours from his (deceased) father and stepmother. He had a cordial relationship with his stepmother and her children, but never a close, bonded relationship - interactions only occurred around large, family get-togethers organized by his father.

His stepmother passed away last week and he is unable to attend the funeral due to a trip he has had planned for a very long time. He is being exceptionally hard on himself for not being able to go. He has even put off telling his stepmother's children because he feels so bad (even though they have implied in conversation that they don't expect him to be there). What has your experience been with others in similar situations? Is this a major a no-no to miss a stepparent's funeral - what are the "rules" on this situation? Would appreciate any thoughts you might be willing to share on this.

Shirley Cress Dudley replies:
That’s a tough one. A blended family is still your family. I understand your husband’s guilt and also his concerns. If he can’t make the trip to the funeral, and has other plans that can’t be changed, then he can’t make it, and that’s O.K. It would be nice if he could tell his step-siblings that he is sorry and send flowers or other memorials. The step-siblings may not expect him to attend, but may be comforted if he does attend (maybe not.) It’s always hard to tell with step-siblings, and depends on the relationship he had with them.

So- my answer isn’t an easy one. It depends on the relationship he had with those that have died and those who are living. We should attend the funeral to honor the dead, but also support the living relatives. If we are close to these members of our blended family- then attend. If not, then send your condolences and don’t attend. There are times when we can’t attend a very close relative’s funeral (due to military service, illness, etc.)

It would be best if he could be honest with the step-siblings as soon as possible, explain that he can’t attend, but that his heart is with them (and send something to them- flowers, card, etc.)

I hope that helps. As his wife, it would be great if you could support your husband in whatever decision he makes.
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC

Blended Family Advice is going to print!

Blended Family Advice is going to the publisher. Many of you have asked for a book you could "hold in your hand" so we are taking the ebook to the printers! You'll have a Blended Family Advice book in your hand before the holidays.

If you are having trouble in your family right now, check out Blended Family Advice ebook, or coaching with Shirley Cress Dudley.

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