A blended family mom asks: My fiance and I have very different parenting styles.He lives with me and my 3 children full-time and we have his kids on Wednesdays and every other weekend. He has great kids and so do I.
I feel like his girls are more sneaky and manipulative. He of course doesn't see this in them at all.His girls are 12 and 9.Their bedtime is 9:30 however they take way too long to get ready and want him to tuck them in repeatedly so it's 10 or later before they are actually in bed.I spoke to him about this and he feels it's not a big deal. They also tend to disregard him when we are trying to leave the house in the mornings before school.They always are running 15-20 minutes late because they stand around and waste time.His oldest gets up at 5am and still can't be ready by 7.my 3 kids are all ready to head out the door after only being up for an hour.He lets his girls watch movies that have sexual content and lots of profanity which really disturbs me as my kids are only allowed to watch movies that are appropriate for their age level.His girls tend to be way to physical with him.Always wanting to sit on his lab and his 9 yr had him carry her the other day with her facing him and her legs wrapped around his waste.They both have made the comment that they wish he was their age so they could date him.They constantly tell him he is cute and rub his arms in to me a sexual way.I spoke with him about it and he didn't realize how things looked but he still hasn't talked with them about it.When sitting next to him they throw their legs over him and sometimes their hands are to close to his genitals and they all seem like it's no big deal.My fiance never gives me the vibes that there is any unnatural feelings for his girls but I have the feeling that the girls are interested in him in a more intimate way.What should I do. I have had other people tell me that it is weird the way the girls act with their dad.They are good kids and for the most part don't cause any trouble.
Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
I have had this experiences you described myself, and also heard similar stories from other blended and step families. His girls see you as competition. They believe that if their dad loves you, it means that he loves them less. In their child-like eyes, they are doing what they believe will “win” him over to love them more, and give you up. (If you completely think through it, it’s a bit sick, but the girl’s brains don’t think through it completely- their thoughts are clouded with the fear of abandonment.) Here are some tips that may help this issue, and the other issues you mentioned:
House rules:
You and your fiancé need to establish house rules for your blended family. Negotiate, decide what’s most important, and write them all down. This includes leaving on time, going to bed on time, and what kind of movie/television is appropriate to watch in front of the whole family. You both will have to negotiate a bit to come to an agreement on these rules or guidelines. I do lean, though, towards watching age appropriate video and television content. You may need to give in a little on the girls taking so long, but let natural consequences help the girls realize keeping to the schedule is necessary. Example- agree on a bedtime for the kids (it may be different based on the ages of the kids, but should not be different based on which family they are from- his or yours.) If someone goes to bed late one night, (say- 30 minutes) then they need to start going to be 30 minutes earlier the next night (natural consequence.) Same in the morning- if they can’t leave at the specified time, then they will need to get up earlier and also go to bed earlier, to get enough sleep.
Your fiancé should spent some time with the girls talking about the difference between adult love and parent/child love (just the basics.) “The love I have for Kelly is different than the love I have for you. Loving her has nothing to do with a father’s love. I will always be your dad, and nothing and no one can ever change that.”
He should also praise the girls when they are showing good behavior- getting ready on time, obeying his instructions, etc. He should tell them how proud he is of them, and how they are growing up. When the 9 year old asks to be picked up, he should remind her that she’s too old for this. If the girls start pawing him, it is fine for him to tell them that it’s not appropriate and this is not how a daughter touches her dad- stop immediately. (Normally dads don’t notice these things- so you may need to have a secret word, or a tap on his arm, to help him notice when these things are happening.) Girls have even started dressing provocatively and flirting with their dad to try to keep his attention and keep him away from the new stepmom.
You can also reinforce their dad’s talk by telling the girls that you love them because you love their dad. Tell them that being their stepmom doesn’t mean that you are their mom, or will ever take the place of their mom. Also tell them that their father loves them very much and you are glad he has a good relationship with them.
I hope that helps. Sometimes couples need more than just an email. If you try these steps (and also let him read this email) and don’t see changes in the coming weeks, you may want to consider getting more help- joining a support group, purchasing a copy of Blended Family Advice, or getting blended family coaching.
Kindest Regards,
Shirley
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC
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