Problems with biological mom and inconsistent house rules

A stepmom asked recently:
I was just recently married, but been with the same man for 6 years now. We both have sons and I have known his son his whole life. His real mother has been in and out of his life, and she comes around when it is convenient for her. Every time she does show up, I have to let him see her, although I think that its just going to make more problems for him in the long run. My biggest problem is that he has structure here and rules. Every time he visits with his mother its completely different, she doesn't make him listen- she lets him walk all over her and she gives him everything he wants- no rules, no structure. He comes home thinking that it should be that way here as well, sometimes goes as far to say that he loves her more and wants to be with her. It really disrupts our blended family.

We won custody of him a long time ago due to her bad decisions to take him in bars and leave him downstairs to watch movies while she goes upstairs with men. I just don't know what to do, I have no patience for her and her stupid decisions anymore, and it's causing problems for him and my husband and me as well. I find myself being so angry and frustrated at my stepson, and his mom and everyone all the time now. what can I do??

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
I know it's frustrating for you, but you're truly doing the right things. Providing guidelines and boundaries for your stepson show that you love him.

Since you and your husband won custody of your stepson, I would recommend setting up some visitation guidelines, or a formal visitation agreement with his biological mom. That way- she can't just come and go as she pleases.

I know your stepson is testing you when he returns from her visits, pushing the boundaries and seeing if you'll let him get away with anything. That's O.K.- maintain your houserules, and remind him that when he returns from a visit with his mom, your houserules have not changed, and your expectations of him have not changed. He will protest, but kids really do appreciate boundaries and know that you love them when you give them rules and guidelines.

Keep up the good work as a stepmom, and just be consistent, and try not to worry!
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended and Step Coach
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
Blended and Step Family Coach
http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com

Shirley Cress Dudley on Traveling Mom Blog Talk Radio

Don't miss Kim Orlando/Traveling Mom interviewing Shirley Cress Dudley, founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center today!

Ideas on how to beat the winter blues in your blended or step family with TravelingMom- Blog Talk Radio today 1:30pm EST 646-929-1735

Stepdaughter draws evil pictures of her stepmother

Recently, I received this question from a stepmom:
My 9-year-old stepdaughter is having problems accepting me in her life as her stepmother. She is very close to her real mother and has told me numerous times that she hates me and doesn't want me in her life. She has been acting up a lot and showing lots of aggression and disobedience towards her Dad and me. It has gone as far as her not even hugging her Dad or wanting to come to her Dad's house because she doesn't like me. The other day she drew a picture of me with devil horns and a tail. Her mother defends her by saying that she is just merely expressing herself. I am very hurt by her drawings and just want her to like me. We are talking to a counselor about her behavior but the counselor is siding with her mom saying that the drawings are just an expression of her. Her Dad and I have been married for five years now. What can I do to get her to accept me and not take her hate for me out on her Dad?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds: I would have agreed with the counselor and her mom, if you had not added that you’ve been married for five years. My guess is that her mom is saying negative things about you and encouraging her daughter to hate you. “Hate” is a strong word- but divorced parents are sometimes very confused, and think that getting the children involved in their adult issues will somehow make the situation better. It sounds as if your husband’s ex-wife has some unresolved anger and bitterness towards the divorce and then remarriage. Involving her daughter in this anger and bitterness is very unhealthy.

It’s time for your husband to talk to his ex-wife about his expectations of how they raise their daughter. Each parent should do the best they can to parent the child, and to support the other parent in their role. Your husband’s ex is trying to get her daughter to choose between you and her. By making you evil, the biological mom is assuring her daughter that she really loves her. This is nonsense.

Your husband needs to talk to the mother of his child about speaking positively of all adults involved in this co-parenting process. (All adults means you too.) To do the best job raising their daughter, she needs to be in an environment where she knows all the adults care about her and want what’s best for her. Her mother can help this situation by speaking positively about dad’s wife and the role she has in her life. He also needs to tell her mom that the two of you will speak positively about her, at all times, in front of her daughter (and fully expect the same behavior from her.)

Why should she do it? (She will ask….) Well- by continuing to teach her daughter that her stepmother is evil, she will eventually lose a healthy relationship with her father, distrust anyone her mother decides to marry, and- at some point, will realize what her mother is doing, resent her mother’s actions, and break off a relationship with her too. This pattern will result in a very confused teenager, and someone that will be counting the days to leave home and figure out how to have a normal life without crazy parents.

Unfortunately, your husband can talk to his ex, and she may choose to ignore his requests. In your own home, here are some steps you can take:
• When she is visiting, make sure you have house-rules/expectations in place. (Example: rudeness and disrespectfulness will not be accepted.) Her biological dad should enforce any consequences from her poor behavior. Make sure you go over the expectations with her, in advance, so she understands the rules of the house and the consequences. (For more information on developing house rules, read, Blended Family Advice, section two.)
• The two of you tell her, regularly, that you love her and enjoy spending time with her and having her a part of your blended family.
• Find opportunities to tell her that you know you’re not her mom, and never want to take the place of her mom. However, you’re happy to be a part of her life as an additional adult to love her and care for her. If she is rude, walk away, and let her father talk with her about her behavior (along with providing consequences.)
• Also have her father talk to her about the difference between a mom and a stepmom, and how there is no competition. She can love both of you, and both of you can love her.

It’s going to take some time. I hope your husband can convince his ex that her negative words about you are really hurting her daughter. If not, then your husband and you can create as normal an environment as possible (after-all- none of us are perfect,) with two loving parents- who maintain a loving home with rules and expectations, when she visits. Good luck to you. She’s still young, and I believe you can really make a difference in her life if you take action now.

January 2010 Blended and Step Family newsletter

The January 2010 Blended and Step Family Newsletter is available now.

If you've been doing the same thing over and over, and not getting the results you want in your blended or step family- then it's time for change. Here are some actions you can take to help your family:
*Go to the articles section of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center and look for articles to answer your questions.
*Purchase a copy of Blended Family Advice.
*Get coaching for your family.

2010 is a new year- and it can be a positive one for you and your family, if you take action and make it happen!
Shirley
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
Author of Blended Family Advice

Finding a New Year's Resolution for the Blended and Step Family

"Fear less, Hope more; Whine less, breath more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more."  Swedish proverb.

I found this anonymous quote on the internet, the other day and sent it back into the world on Facebook, Linked-In and Twitter.  Several folks commented that it was a wonderful statement for the New Year and could be a great New Year’s Resolution.

So- what do these words mean to me for the New Year?

Fear Less, Hope More

Whine Less, Breath More

Focus on the positive and don’t dwell on the negative.  If we stay stagnant in the past, ruminating on our old mistakes and mishaps- we can’t move forward to the future.  We can learn from our mistakes and progress to a more positive outcome.  If your blended or step family wasn't as happy as you would want last year- make changes this year!  Look for ways to view life more positively.  There are a lot of difficulties of forming a blended family- but look on the positive side- you have a new family... a chance to start over and do it right this time.

Talk Less, Say More

How many times do we listen to someone say the same thing, over and over?  How many times is that person ourselves?   Think about your thoughts and make them meaningful.

Remember- our actions speak louder than our words.   If we say one thing and do another, our credibility is lost.   Model the behavior you believe. Live your life by your actions, not just your words.  Your mate is watching, your kids and stepkids are watching. Set an example to them of how you want everyone treated in your stepfamily.

Hate Less, Love More

Focusing on negative thoughts, holding grudges, and storing anger uses up our energy in pointless frustration and worry. Treat others as you would like to be treated.  Try to think of life from other's perspective. I know you are probably having difficult days with your ex, but try to love them (yes I said love them) in the name of your child.  You are co-parents together, and although you no longer have a romantic relationship, you have a responsibility to do the best you can to parent your children.

I agree, this old Swedish proverb is a great way to start the year!

If you need help, send me an email or comment....

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC

Blended and Step Family Coach

Shirley Cress Dudley is a marriage and family therapist.  She is the founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center and author of Blended Family Advice. Shirley has a passion for helping blended and stepfamilies grow strong and be successful.  Sign up for our Free newsletter and receive a Free Report- Top Ten Worst Mistakes You Can Make in Your Blended Family, 

http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com

Step Family Coach, Shirley Cress Dudley

I was asked today, "Why did you become a step family coach?"  I thought that was a wonderful question, so it's my blog topic for today. 

I'm an LPC (licensed professional counselor) in the state of North Carolina.  I have counseled couples, families (with children as young as 5 years old participating) and individuals for many years. Some of my families were remarried and blended families, also called step families.  I listened to their concerns and their goals and thought I was doing a pretty good job of counseling them.

A decade into my counseling career, my marriage ended and I became a statistic- another divorced mom with kids.  I took a break from counseling for a couple of  years- I didn't feel worthy to help people at that time. After 2 years, I realized that no one is perfect- we all make mistakes.  I knew that, even as a divorced counselor, I could still help others, so I returned to the field of counseling.

Several years later, I met a wonderful man and decided to give marriage another try.  I was scared, but really wanted to try again. We married and became a blended family of 5 kids.

I knew blending a family is tough from my counseling experiences- but I really never knew how tough it was until I experienced it myself- UGHH!  It was sooo hard!  I was a step mom, with step kids, and had two completely different families trying to blend into one.  

Our first year was the hardest- and then we began to get things worked out.  It helped to be a counselor, (but of course the hardest person to counsel is yourself and your own family!)  I learned a lot.  What I learned most importantly was that I never really understood how hard it is to have a step family until I experienced it myself.


I looked on the internet at the available resources.  There were many great websites out there to vent, (especially for step moms,) but very few resources for counseling from educated professionals.  I decided I would focus my counseling on blended and step families. 


I also decided that coaching would be more appropriate for blended and step families.  When your new marriage is in trouble and your step family is falling apart- you need help- fast.  You need direct guidance and advice to save your marriage and family.  Sooooo- I became a step family coach (or blended family coach- your choice.)


I love talking with folks who have remarried and want to make their new family successful.  I can hear in their voices the love they have for their spouse, and yet their frustrations with putting their families together.


It's especially exciting to listen as families get better... healthier...stronger- and each day is no longer a battle.  



If you're having trouble in your step family- get help now.  I wrote a book, Blended Family Advice, using all the stories I heard from step families (and my own blended family stories.) I heard a common "thread" in all of those stories, developed some theories, and wrote a book that will help blended families with their issues. 

I also offer telephone coaching to those who want to talk with me directly.  2010 is a new year- make it a good one!
Talk with you again soon,
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Your blended and step family coach

Problems with visiting step son

A reader asks:
I have a problem with my stepson. This is our 3rd Christmas together. He normally lives in Florida with his mom.  Every year when he comes it's always a huge eruption in the harmony of our holidays. He compares what he gets to what my children get. We always spend about the same on each.

He has said many times to my kids..."that's my dad, stop trying to steal my dad."  He gets a hateful attitude if he wants us to buy him something and we don't buy it.

Nothing is ever enough. His dad & mom were divorced when he was 2 and his mom moved them to Florida. His dad will visit him there and he will also visit us here. His dad (my spouse) feels guilty for not being there constantly. So I think he let's him get away with being disrespectful and hateful sometimes because of that. He doesn't appreciate anything and says rude things when he doesn't get his way. I don't want to be the wicked step mother and be the reason he doesn't want to come back and visit his dad. I am much more strict on my children. They are corrected if they are rude or disrespectful.  Help me. I want to enjoy my vacation and our family holidays and this always ruins it and disrupts it.
Thanks,
A Step Mom


Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
I'm sorry your stepson is disrupting the holidays. I'm sure it's really frustrating and doesn't help the relationship with your husband either.

I'm going to send you some tips on how to improve the situation.  If it's not enough (blended families don't usually just have an easy "quick fix") I would recommend coaching for you and your husband, after the holidays.

Here are my thoughts:
It's difficult for your husband, since he doesn't see his son often, but he should still enforce discipline and boundaries in your home, when your stepson is there, nonetheless.  It's easiest if you and he develop a set of house guidelines- one that applies to all the kids in the house.  When the stepson arrives, he should be informed of the guidelines, expectations and also consequences of disobeying these guidelines- and told that everyone is treated equally- so he has to obey the guidelines too.  I recommend that your husband (biological parent) enforce any consequences.  (This helps you- so that you are not looked at as the wicked stepmother.)

Your husband will have some trouble with this, but in reality- your stepson will feel more loved if he is given boundaries and direction, when visiting.
A noncustodial parent can have an important impact on their child(ren) even if the visits aren't very often.

Your stepson is jealous of your kids who stay, mostly full time with you and his Dad.  Your kids get time with his Dad that he doesn't get.  He is carefully looking to see if everyone is treated fairly and if he is still loved and important in his dad's life.  Ways to help this- -Welcome him warmly, when he arrives.  If he's already arrived, remind him, several times a day how happy you are that he is here with you.
-Use the phrases "our family" and "all of us" and other inclusive words to show him that he is a part of this family too, and is a welcome, loved member.
-Stress, outloud, that all gifts are equal, and everyone will be treated fairly and equally.  (He is testing you, to see if he is treated fairly.  If you say it for him, outloud, he won't protest so much.) -Arrange some daddy/son dedicated time during the visit.  This is really a long topic- but, basically, each visit should have a balance between couple time, blended family time, and dedicated parent/child time.  Balance is the key.

It would be great if your stepson could visit more often, in your home.  I know it is frustrating now, but he really needs to spend more time there, so he feels more at home and part of the family.  Remember- being part of the family doesn't mean that he gets special treatment, and can act however he wants.  Discipline and boundaries are very important. Talk with your spouse and find out if it's possible for him to visit more often.  Even if it's
not- tell your stepson how glad you are that he's here with the family, and how you wish he could come more often.

I hope these tips help.  It's tough to just send just an email to make everything right- I know it's much more difficult and complicated than that.
(It does take time.)

Talk with your husband and stress that you want a peaceful, enjoyable holidays.  Decide what expectations you have for the kids, and if they don't respect your guidelines/rules/expectations (speak as a whole- all the kids, even if your focus is intended for the stepson) and remind your 3 kids of these expectations.  Stop your family activities and enforce consequences if someone (stepson or others) disobey.  Don't treat the stepson special, but just like everyone else.

Good luck to you.  Don't forget to spend some dedicated time with your spouse over the holidays (put on a video, or put the kids to bed.)  Keeping your relationship strong will help you through this.

Kindest Regards,
Shirley

New Year's Resolutions in the Blended and Step Family

It's a new year- 2010!
Wow- 2010 already... time passes by so quickly.

This year I have several new year's resolutions:
-Maintain a blog 3-5 times a week (Maybe even go daily!!)
-Plan more active time with our entire family (Note: eating meals and watching videos don't count as active.)

What are your new year's resolutions? Have you experienced a year of frustrations in your blended family? Do you feel like you aren't doing your best as a step mom or step dad? What changes would you like to make?

You may want to consider coaching. Telephone coaching is a non-intrustive way for you and your spouse to work on specific issues in your marriage and blended family. It's not like counseling- talking about your past and working on issues from your childhood. Coaching directly address the issues that are bugging you- today, right now- in your step family.

If interested, and you want 2010 to be the year your step family finally starts blending, then email me: Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

It's going to be a great year! Why- because we will make it so!

Talk with you again soon (maybe tomorrow?)

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Are You A Disney Dad?

Are you a “Disney Dad?”
• Do you get nervous when it’s time for your child(ren) to visit?
• Do you want everything to be perfect and your child(ren) happy at all times?
• Do you try to make wonderful plans, over the top, AMAZING activities each time they come over?
• Do you ignore your spouse and other family members during the visit?
If you answered yes to at least two of these questions…then you’re a Disney Dad!

Is this a bad thing? Well – yes and no. It’s great that you love your kids- no problem with that. It’s wonderful that you want to make your kids happy- that’s O.K. too. But is it realistic that you’ll keep them happy ALL the time? Nope.

Unrealistic Hopes
You are worrying yourself into an impossible situation. You can’t please your child(ren) all the time. If you really want to do this, I recommend divorcing your current spouse, giving up your job, your blended family, friends, hobbies, and possibly sleep too- but I need to warn you- it won’t be enough. Kids sense this struggle, and they will whine and whine, scream for MORE- attempting to get you to “raise the bar” every weekend. Will it ever satisfy them? Of course not- but your kids don’t know this.

What Do Children Really Need?
Children need love, belonging and recognition. They want to know that you love them and they are an important part of your life. How do you show them? By including them in your life.

Take them on your errands. Eat meals with your blended family, and involve them in family activities. It’s O.K. to have some one-on-one time over the weekend, but that shouldn’t be your main focus. Your child(ren) needs to see that they are a part of your family and part of your life. Those of you who have remarried and have step kids living with you- it’s important to show your biological children that they “fit” in this family, and you want them to be a part of it.

Who’s in Charge?
Right now- it’s your child(ren.) They really want structure and leadership from you. It’s time to be their parent and not their friend. They have friends, but they need to see some stability, structure and leadership from you.

It’s not time to eliminate discipline or instruction from you. Your child wants to please you and have you proud of him/her. By discussing your expectations with them, you are guiding them to be more responsible and continue becoming the best person they can be.

How Much Effect Can I Have, 26 Weekends a Year and a Couple of Holidays?
You’d be surprised how much effect a non-custodial father can have on his child(ren.) The role of a father in a child’s life is crucial. Your visits with them are great, but you can also maintain your relationship with phone calls, texts and even communicating with them on Facebook. Children need their father- a male role model in their lives. Don’t minimize the effect you can have on your child(ren.) When your child(ren) visits, show them a normal family, and a normal marriage- not a time where one person overshadows everyone else’s needs- that’s not normal or healthy.

Conclusion
As you are reading this article, some of you are saying, “Well, a couple of those points sound familiar, but I’m not as bad as all that.” Just a hint- if a couple of these paragraphs apply, then you’re a Disney dad. As my husband says, “Walks like a duck, sounds like a duck…..it’s a duck” In other words- don’t deny it, it’s time for change.

For more information, get your own copy of Blended Family Advice it’s a great instruction manual for how to be a remarried dad in a blended family.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She is the founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center. Shirley has a passion for helping blended and step families grow strong and be successful. Sign up for our Free newsletter and receive a Free Report- Top Ten Worst Mistakes You Can Make in Your Blended Family,
http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com

(You are welcome to reprint this article, as long as it is reprinted, unedited, in it’s entirety, along with the bio at the end. Thank you.)

Blended Family Advice: Getting Reading Emotionally for the Holidays in a Blended Family

Blended Family Advice: Getting Reading Emotionally for the Holidays in a Blended Family