Begin each day and remember what you are thankful for- Your health? Your family? Is it a clear, cloudless day? Your Blended family is at peace today? Take a few moments and breath a few deep breaths.
You'll find that your day will begin on a more positive note, and people will respond to your more positively.
What are you thankful for today?
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Want your dream wedding for free?
A TV Casting producer, from DreamWorks TV show, "Wedding Day" is looking for a deserving couple who are engaged, who will be blending families. This is a feel good show with only wish fulfillment intentions, and she wants to focus on blended families for a particular show in June.
Here's a promo:
http://www.tnt.tv/dramavision/?oid=47477
This show makes the wedding preparation a family and friend affair, asking that they all participate in helping create a dream wedding for the couple.
If you are interested, contact Roberta Christensen, 310.903.5574 or
weddingdaycasting@gmail.com
Good Luck!
Shirley Cress Dudley
www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com
Here's a promo:
http://www.tnt.tv/dramavision/?oid=47477
This show makes the wedding preparation a family and friend affair, asking that they all participate in helping create a dream wedding for the couple.
If you are interested, contact Roberta Christensen, 310.903.5574 or
weddingdaycasting@gmail.com
Good Luck!
Shirley Cress Dudley
www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Question from stepmom
You made several great points:
-It's tough for the boys to transition back and forth between the houses. It's good to remember this and allow for the transition time. Sometimes even the little ones come back and call Mom "Dad" (or the other way around) for the first few hours. Just ignore the error and answer when a parental name is called.
-House rules are essential. Dad and new Mom need to decide on what's important to them, regarding house rules, and develop their expectations and guidelines. The boys need to be informed of these rules, and also the consequences of ignoring them. Dad and new Mom need to be seen as a united parental unit, when the boys arrive.
Also, kids- no matter how young, can sense the real motivation of adults. The parents need to do what's right- love the boys, spend time with them, but also be clear on their expectations of behavior. The boys will fight back, but deep inside kids respect, need and even crave boundaries and guidelines.
The Dad needs to take the lead in the discipline, even though the rules are developed by both parents in the home.
Hope that helps. For more information, check out www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com
Shirley Cress Dudley
-It's tough for the boys to transition back and forth between the houses. It's good to remember this and allow for the transition time. Sometimes even the little ones come back and call Mom "Dad" (or the other way around) for the first few hours. Just ignore the error and answer when a parental name is called.
-House rules are essential. Dad and new Mom need to decide on what's important to them, regarding house rules, and develop their expectations and guidelines. The boys need to be informed of these rules, and also the consequences of ignoring them. Dad and new Mom need to be seen as a united parental unit, when the boys arrive.
Also, kids- no matter how young, can sense the real motivation of adults. The parents need to do what's right- love the boys, spend time with them, but also be clear on their expectations of behavior. The boys will fight back, but deep inside kids respect, need and even crave boundaries and guidelines.
The Dad needs to take the lead in the discipline, even though the rules are developed by both parents in the home.
Hope that helps. For more information, check out www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com
Shirley Cress Dudley
Monday, May 4, 2009
Planning a Successful Summer for your Child
Are you ready for the summer? Have you and your spouse planned the visitation weekends and communicated to the various other families?
It can become very complicated if you have remarried, and your new spouse's ex has remarried, and your ex-spouse has remarried...did you follow all that? You will be communicating with a possible total of 5 families!
Tips for a successful summer:
-plan ahead
-communicate clearly your expectations
-be flexible and willing to change a couple of weekends to accomodate the majority
-don't take changes personally
Remember- you are doing what's best for the kids to have an organized summer, and one that your children can spend time with both parents.
Shirley Cress Dudley
www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com
It can become very complicated if you have remarried, and your new spouse's ex has remarried, and your ex-spouse has remarried...did you follow all that? You will be communicating with a possible total of 5 families!
Tips for a successful summer:
-plan ahead
-communicate clearly your expectations
-be flexible and willing to change a couple of weekends to accomodate the majority
-don't take changes personally
Remember- you are doing what's best for the kids to have an organized summer, and one that your children can spend time with both parents.
Shirley Cress Dudley
www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Remember your mom and step mom next Sunday
I know it's hard, but it's important for you and your kids to remember biological moms and step moms on Mother's Day. It is very important to the growing relationship between the children and their stepmother. By honoring your stepmother, you are not dishonoring your real mother. It shows respect for the woman who is helping to parent your child when he/she is not around you.
It doesn't have to be anything mushy or over the top- just a card, and maybe some garden-picked flowers, or a small bouquet from the grocery store. It's not the amount of money spent- but the thought that counts.
Help guide your children to do something thoughtful this Sunday for their Step mom.
Other ideas:
Make dinner, clean up the house, make a hand written card (or have the younger ones draw a picture for their step mom.)
It's a tough job being a stepmom- and usually doesn't receive much gratitude from others. Don't forget sunday is Mother's day- for all the mothers- including the step moms!
Shirley at www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com
It doesn't have to be anything mushy or over the top- just a card, and maybe some garden-picked flowers, or a small bouquet from the grocery store. It's not the amount of money spent- but the thought that counts.
Help guide your children to do something thoughtful this Sunday for their Step mom.
Other ideas:
Make dinner, clean up the house, make a hand written card (or have the younger ones draw a picture for their step mom.)
It's a tough job being a stepmom- and usually doesn't receive much gratitude from others. Don't forget sunday is Mother's day- for all the mothers- including the step moms!
Shirley at www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Just Signed Up for Twitter!
I just signed up for Twitter! Help- send me guidance on how to use this new medium.
I'm at BlendedFamily4U
See you soon!
Shirley Cress Dudley
I'm at BlendedFamily4U
See you soon!
Shirley Cress Dudley
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
The pain of blending a family
Happy Spring to all! The flowers are blooming, the birds are singing- and why isn’t your blended family happy?
I was reminded recently that my family has crossed many of the hurdles of blending a family. It’s true, one of our most frequent challenges is coordinating five children’s schedules. The strong negative emotions and the gut wrenching pains are mostly past.
But, as I read your comments, I am reminded that most of you reading this newsletter are still in the trenches- still in pain and still struggling to figure out how to make your blended family successful.
Those of you that have moved forward have some wonderful stories to tell, too. I would love to hear them- and how you worked to blend your family.
Here is a preview of a new ebook I am writing:
Let me know what you think, and send me your comments…
Introduction
My blended family is chaotic, busy and for the most part- happy and successful as a family. We struggle to coordinate schedules, but the days of yelling, crying, and massive conflicts are over.
I see other people refer to blended families as something you can blend with duct tape, or how families should try not to end up in a blender- all chopped up. These are very funny illustrations, but usually blending a family isn’t funny… it isn’t easy… it isn’t pleasant. I don’t think anyone can really describe the emotions, the pain, that blending a family can cause.
Read on, and I’ll tell you about my experiences, and also some of the experiences of others. As you read through these stories, I hope it will help you and encourage you in your path to make your blended family happy and successful.
Chapter One- The Pain
I don’t think anyone could have warned my husband about the pain of having a blended family. We were in love, and excited about getting married. Gradually, we exposed our kids to the new step parent- scheduling short meals, fun activities, and talking about the upcoming marriage. But when the day finally arrived, his kids, especially one of his daughters, was NOT happy.
She made our life miserable for the next year- screaming and yelling, moving photos of me in our home, throwing away notes from my new husband (that were in my bedroom,) refusing to participate in family activities, and actually pushing me away from her father on several occasions. After the last physical event, in which I had bruises on my chest and arms (this is a teenager- larger than me) he forbid her to come into our house. He set boundaries and expectations, and said that she wasn’t welcome until she could abide by his expectations.
During the day, he would argue with her on the phone, not allowing her to come over, or participate in any of our family activities. At night, he would lay in bed with me, crying that he couldn’t spend time with his daughter. I wanted him to have all of his children around him, but I agreed that his aggressive and angry daughter was not what we needed around the house, as we grew together as a family.
The pain was quite strong and also different among the family members:
•My husband wanted to have a close relationship to his daughter and yet continue to blend our new family. He could not tolerate his daughter attacking his new wife, both verbally and physically, and yet wanted a relationship with both his daughter and new wife.
•I wanted to have a relationship with his daughter, but she was very aggressive and angry at me- seeming to blame me for all the changes in her life. Whenever she was in the house, everyone was “on edge” and creeping around the house, avoiding her. I wanted my husband happy, and yet- we all seemed happier when this daughter was not pleasant. There didn’t seem to be any easy options for us.
•My children basically hid in their rooms, when his daughter was in the house, prisoners in their own homes, not knowing what to do with this angry stepsibling.
•My husband’s daughter thought she was no longer loved- that her father had replaced her, that she did not have the same importance to him as before. She saw the marriage as some sort of competition- and I was her enemy. She was confused, angry and very upset at the world that was changing around her.
•My husband’s other daughter was confused, wondering if she should “side” with her sister. Also, if she likes the new step mom- does that mean she doesn’t love her mother any more? What should she do?
It’s so hard to describe this to someone who hasn’t experienced it.
I hear from many of you- that the negative emotions of blending a family are very over whelming and quite surprising. Let’s discuss some of these reactions and figure out where they originate, and how to work through these emotions and feelings- and move towards move positive outcomes.
I was reminded recently that my family has crossed many of the hurdles of blending a family. It’s true, one of our most frequent challenges is coordinating five children’s schedules. The strong negative emotions and the gut wrenching pains are mostly past.
But, as I read your comments, I am reminded that most of you reading this newsletter are still in the trenches- still in pain and still struggling to figure out how to make your blended family successful.
Those of you that have moved forward have some wonderful stories to tell, too. I would love to hear them- and how you worked to blend your family.
Here is a preview of a new ebook I am writing:
Let me know what you think, and send me your comments…
Introduction
My blended family is chaotic, busy and for the most part- happy and successful as a family. We struggle to coordinate schedules, but the days of yelling, crying, and massive conflicts are over.
I see other people refer to blended families as something you can blend with duct tape, or how families should try not to end up in a blender- all chopped up. These are very funny illustrations, but usually blending a family isn’t funny… it isn’t easy… it isn’t pleasant. I don’t think anyone can really describe the emotions, the pain, that blending a family can cause.
Read on, and I’ll tell you about my experiences, and also some of the experiences of others. As you read through these stories, I hope it will help you and encourage you in your path to make your blended family happy and successful.
Chapter One- The Pain
I don’t think anyone could have warned my husband about the pain of having a blended family. We were in love, and excited about getting married. Gradually, we exposed our kids to the new step parent- scheduling short meals, fun activities, and talking about the upcoming marriage. But when the day finally arrived, his kids, especially one of his daughters, was NOT happy.
She made our life miserable for the next year- screaming and yelling, moving photos of me in our home, throwing away notes from my new husband (that were in my bedroom,) refusing to participate in family activities, and actually pushing me away from her father on several occasions. After the last physical event, in which I had bruises on my chest and arms (this is a teenager- larger than me) he forbid her to come into our house. He set boundaries and expectations, and said that she wasn’t welcome until she could abide by his expectations.
During the day, he would argue with her on the phone, not allowing her to come over, or participate in any of our family activities. At night, he would lay in bed with me, crying that he couldn’t spend time with his daughter. I wanted him to have all of his children around him, but I agreed that his aggressive and angry daughter was not what we needed around the house, as we grew together as a family.
The pain was quite strong and also different among the family members:
•My husband wanted to have a close relationship to his daughter and yet continue to blend our new family. He could not tolerate his daughter attacking his new wife, both verbally and physically, and yet wanted a relationship with both his daughter and new wife.
•I wanted to have a relationship with his daughter, but she was very aggressive and angry at me- seeming to blame me for all the changes in her life. Whenever she was in the house, everyone was “on edge” and creeping around the house, avoiding her. I wanted my husband happy, and yet- we all seemed happier when this daughter was not pleasant. There didn’t seem to be any easy options for us.
•My children basically hid in their rooms, when his daughter was in the house, prisoners in their own homes, not knowing what to do with this angry stepsibling.
•My husband’s daughter thought she was no longer loved- that her father had replaced her, that she did not have the same importance to him as before. She saw the marriage as some sort of competition- and I was her enemy. She was confused, angry and very upset at the world that was changing around her.
•My husband’s other daughter was confused, wondering if she should “side” with her sister. Also, if she likes the new step mom- does that mean she doesn’t love her mother any more? What should she do?
It’s so hard to describe this to someone who hasn’t experienced it.
I hear from many of you- that the negative emotions of blending a family are very over whelming and quite surprising. Let’s discuss some of these reactions and figure out where they originate, and how to work through these emotions and feelings- and move towards move positive outcomes.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
The Emotions of Blending a Family
My husband and I have been married for a little over a year now, and things have settled down in our blended family. One of the hardest daily tasks is coordinating the schedules of our 5 children family (with a color coded monthly calendar, weekly updated calendar, and several post-it notes!) It's easy, at times, to forget the hard days. The days when kids were crying, yelling and fighting to have their reality changed. Parents divorcing, remarrying, selling houses, buying new houses... the emotional overload was heavy.
My goal, in the coming months, is to talk about those rough days. There are many of you- out there- in the thick of it right now, and hearing about our experiences may help you. Also hearing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. (Yes- sometimes it is a train! but after the train, there is a sense of peace and adjustment that eventually comes with most families.)
Send me your stories, and I will talk about your experiences along with my own.
It's a good day, today- and it's just going to get better. Just hang in there.
Shirley
My goal, in the coming months, is to talk about those rough days. There are many of you- out there- in the thick of it right now, and hearing about our experiences may help you. Also hearing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. (Yes- sometimes it is a train! but after the train, there is a sense of peace and adjustment that eventually comes with most families.)
Send me your stories, and I will talk about your experiences along with my own.
It's a good day, today- and it's just going to get better. Just hang in there.
Shirley
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