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Shirley Cress Dudley
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
The pain of blending a family
Happy Spring to all! The flowers are blooming, the birds are singing- and why isn’t your blended family happy?
I was reminded recently that my family has crossed many of the hurdles of blending a family. It’s true, one of our most frequent challenges is coordinating five children’s schedules. The strong negative emotions and the gut wrenching pains are mostly past.
But, as I read your comments, I am reminded that most of you reading this newsletter are still in the trenches- still in pain and still struggling to figure out how to make your blended family successful.
Those of you that have moved forward have some wonderful stories to tell, too. I would love to hear them- and how you worked to blend your family.
Here is a preview of a new ebook I am writing:
Let me know what you think, and send me your comments…
Introduction
My blended family is chaotic, busy and for the most part- happy and successful as a family. We struggle to coordinate schedules, but the days of yelling, crying, and massive conflicts are over.
I see other people refer to blended families as something you can blend with duct tape, or how families should try not to end up in a blender- all chopped up. These are very funny illustrations, but usually blending a family isn’t funny… it isn’t easy… it isn’t pleasant. I don’t think anyone can really describe the emotions, the pain, that blending a family can cause.
Read on, and I’ll tell you about my experiences, and also some of the experiences of others. As you read through these stories, I hope it will help you and encourage you in your path to make your blended family happy and successful.
Chapter One- The Pain
I don’t think anyone could have warned my husband about the pain of having a blended family. We were in love, and excited about getting married. Gradually, we exposed our kids to the new step parent- scheduling short meals, fun activities, and talking about the upcoming marriage. But when the day finally arrived, his kids, especially one of his daughters, was NOT happy.
She made our life miserable for the next year- screaming and yelling, moving photos of me in our home, throwing away notes from my new husband (that were in my bedroom,) refusing to participate in family activities, and actually pushing me away from her father on several occasions. After the last physical event, in which I had bruises on my chest and arms (this is a teenager- larger than me) he forbid her to come into our house. He set boundaries and expectations, and said that she wasn’t welcome until she could abide by his expectations.
During the day, he would argue with her on the phone, not allowing her to come over, or participate in any of our family activities. At night, he would lay in bed with me, crying that he couldn’t spend time with his daughter. I wanted him to have all of his children around him, but I agreed that his aggressive and angry daughter was not what we needed around the house, as we grew together as a family.
The pain was quite strong and also different among the family members:
•My husband wanted to have a close relationship to his daughter and yet continue to blend our new family. He could not tolerate his daughter attacking his new wife, both verbally and physically, and yet wanted a relationship with both his daughter and new wife.
•I wanted to have a relationship with his daughter, but she was very aggressive and angry at me- seeming to blame me for all the changes in her life. Whenever she was in the house, everyone was “on edge” and creeping around the house, avoiding her. I wanted my husband happy, and yet- we all seemed happier when this daughter was not pleasant. There didn’t seem to be any easy options for us.
•My children basically hid in their rooms, when his daughter was in the house, prisoners in their own homes, not knowing what to do with this angry stepsibling.
•My husband’s daughter thought she was no longer loved- that her father had replaced her, that she did not have the same importance to him as before. She saw the marriage as some sort of competition- and I was her enemy. She was confused, angry and very upset at the world that was changing around her.
•My husband’s other daughter was confused, wondering if she should “side” with her sister. Also, if she likes the new step mom- does that mean she doesn’t love her mother any more? What should she do?
It’s so hard to describe this to someone who hasn’t experienced it.
I hear from many of you- that the negative emotions of blending a family are very over whelming and quite surprising. Let’s discuss some of these reactions and figure out where they originate, and how to work through these emotions and feelings- and move towards move positive outcomes.
I was reminded recently that my family has crossed many of the hurdles of blending a family. It’s true, one of our most frequent challenges is coordinating five children’s schedules. The strong negative emotions and the gut wrenching pains are mostly past.
But, as I read your comments, I am reminded that most of you reading this newsletter are still in the trenches- still in pain and still struggling to figure out how to make your blended family successful.
Those of you that have moved forward have some wonderful stories to tell, too. I would love to hear them- and how you worked to blend your family.
Here is a preview of a new ebook I am writing:
Let me know what you think, and send me your comments…
Introduction
My blended family is chaotic, busy and for the most part- happy and successful as a family. We struggle to coordinate schedules, but the days of yelling, crying, and massive conflicts are over.
I see other people refer to blended families as something you can blend with duct tape, or how families should try not to end up in a blender- all chopped up. These are very funny illustrations, but usually blending a family isn’t funny… it isn’t easy… it isn’t pleasant. I don’t think anyone can really describe the emotions, the pain, that blending a family can cause.
Read on, and I’ll tell you about my experiences, and also some of the experiences of others. As you read through these stories, I hope it will help you and encourage you in your path to make your blended family happy and successful.
Chapter One- The Pain
I don’t think anyone could have warned my husband about the pain of having a blended family. We were in love, and excited about getting married. Gradually, we exposed our kids to the new step parent- scheduling short meals, fun activities, and talking about the upcoming marriage. But when the day finally arrived, his kids, especially one of his daughters, was NOT happy.
She made our life miserable for the next year- screaming and yelling, moving photos of me in our home, throwing away notes from my new husband (that were in my bedroom,) refusing to participate in family activities, and actually pushing me away from her father on several occasions. After the last physical event, in which I had bruises on my chest and arms (this is a teenager- larger than me) he forbid her to come into our house. He set boundaries and expectations, and said that she wasn’t welcome until she could abide by his expectations.
During the day, he would argue with her on the phone, not allowing her to come over, or participate in any of our family activities. At night, he would lay in bed with me, crying that he couldn’t spend time with his daughter. I wanted him to have all of his children around him, but I agreed that his aggressive and angry daughter was not what we needed around the house, as we grew together as a family.
The pain was quite strong and also different among the family members:
•My husband wanted to have a close relationship to his daughter and yet continue to blend our new family. He could not tolerate his daughter attacking his new wife, both verbally and physically, and yet wanted a relationship with both his daughter and new wife.
•I wanted to have a relationship with his daughter, but she was very aggressive and angry at me- seeming to blame me for all the changes in her life. Whenever she was in the house, everyone was “on edge” and creeping around the house, avoiding her. I wanted my husband happy, and yet- we all seemed happier when this daughter was not pleasant. There didn’t seem to be any easy options for us.
•My children basically hid in their rooms, when his daughter was in the house, prisoners in their own homes, not knowing what to do with this angry stepsibling.
•My husband’s daughter thought she was no longer loved- that her father had replaced her, that she did not have the same importance to him as before. She saw the marriage as some sort of competition- and I was her enemy. She was confused, angry and very upset at the world that was changing around her.
•My husband’s other daughter was confused, wondering if she should “side” with her sister. Also, if she likes the new step mom- does that mean she doesn’t love her mother any more? What should she do?
It’s so hard to describe this to someone who hasn’t experienced it.
I hear from many of you- that the negative emotions of blending a family are very over whelming and quite surprising. Let’s discuss some of these reactions and figure out where they originate, and how to work through these emotions and feelings- and move towards move positive outcomes.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
The Emotions of Blending a Family
My husband and I have been married for a little over a year now, and things have settled down in our blended family. One of the hardest daily tasks is coordinating the schedules of our 5 children family (with a color coded monthly calendar, weekly updated calendar, and several post-it notes!) It's easy, at times, to forget the hard days. The days when kids were crying, yelling and fighting to have their reality changed. Parents divorcing, remarrying, selling houses, buying new houses... the emotional overload was heavy.
My goal, in the coming months, is to talk about those rough days. There are many of you- out there- in the thick of it right now, and hearing about our experiences may help you. Also hearing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. (Yes- sometimes it is a train! but after the train, there is a sense of peace and adjustment that eventually comes with most families.)
Send me your stories, and I will talk about your experiences along with my own.
It's a good day, today- and it's just going to get better. Just hang in there.
Shirley
My goal, in the coming months, is to talk about those rough days. There are many of you- out there- in the thick of it right now, and hearing about our experiences may help you. Also hearing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. (Yes- sometimes it is a train! but after the train, there is a sense of peace and adjustment that eventually comes with most families.)
Send me your stories, and I will talk about your experiences along with my own.
It's a good day, today- and it's just going to get better. Just hang in there.
Shirley
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