Monday, November 12, 2012

Daughter doesn't have her own room or permanent bed

A mom is worried about her 5 year old daughter. When she visits her dad, she is sleeping in a temporary, flip out, Wal-mart bed. She doesn't have her own bedroom, and the fiance is pregnant.  Her ex-spouse says he is on a waiting list for a 3 bedroom apartment, but that it will be at least 3 more months. I never talk bad about my ex in front of my daughter but I don't think this is right. What can I do?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:


It's a difficult situation, and I know you want to do what's best for your daughter. The way you handle this- will make a huge difference to how your daughter perceives her visit to her dad.

Kids need both their mom and dad- and I see that you wrote that you don't talk bad about her dad or step mom in front of her- which is wonderful, and you should be praised for this- I know it's hard at times.

But- when your daughter talks about the situation, your reaction is making it harder on her. You have spoken to your ex-spouse, and he is doing everything he can to get a 3 bedroom apartment. He has also provided a bed (one you don't approve of as an ideal bed) but he has purchased her a bed.  From my perspective- the situation is fine, and he is providing a safe and welcoming environment for her.

If you talk to your daughter differently, it will make a dramatic difference.  The Wal-mart bed was specially bought for her- so that means she is special and they made an effort to make her feel at home.  (It might make a great sleep over bed for friends when the 3 bedroom apartment is available.)

Talk about how it is difficult to live/visit a smaller place, but sometimes that makes people closer. Tell your daughter stories of early in your marriage and what kind of house you lived in- or possibly stories of your childhood when you shared a bedroom, or slept in a temporary bed or sleeping bag when visiting relatives.

How you talk to your daughter can greatly improve the situation. You ex is doing what he can, and I believe you should support him on this.

I know it's not ideal, but he is providing a bed for her, and he is actively looking for a larger apartment.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC FACMPE
Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
Author of the book, Blended Family Advice

Monday, November 5, 2012

Surviving the Holidays in a Blended or Step Family

Do you dread the holidays?  I've created a three-part series on Surviving the Holidays in a Blended or Step Family. You can learn how to prepare for the holidays by clicking here.

Hurry, though- because this three-part series started over a week ago, and the special offer at the end of the video series ($50 off) ends tomorrow, November 6th at 9am.

If you need help keeping the crying, yelling, chaos of the holidays to a more successful, organized, peaceful event- then check it out.

Talk to you again, soon!

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC FACMPE
Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center