Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Five biggest problems in a blended family or step family


Though blended families may be becoming more common today, that doesn’t mean they’re any easier to nurture. According to a report by Gary L. Sanders, the blended family has some developmental hardships and differences from traditional nuclear families. It doesn’t take a psychology degree to know that members of such families may need to have more time and patience to form a stable, functioning family than do traditional families because there are less resources available to fit the situation as a consequence of the term’s newness. Here are some strategies for dealing with the transition phase into the blended family.

Blended family child-rearing difficulties
When both parents in the household are not on the same parenting page, problems can arise, just as they can when each biological parent lives in separate households. It takes a lot of communication to avoid these problems altogether. First of all, it is of utmost importance to keep the children's interests in mind, while putting your spouse's interests first. You’ve got to present a united front. Doing so can save the marriage, and it can subsequently ensure a happier household. Child-rearing difficulties are a common ground for divorce, so it is vital that all adults involved are able to work together and to make joint decisions.

Sibling rivalry between step-children
Just as it can be difficult for a child to adjust to having a new baby in the household, it can also be difficult to add step-siblings into an existing family. It can be especially difficult when one family moves into the other family's home, where the children may feel like they do not belong. It is important to keep as much of a routine as possible, as well as to adjust the family's rules to fit your new situation. One sibling should not be made to feel less important than any other, and they should all have to follow the same rules so no one feels inadequate. Doing so will help avoid serious sibling rivalry.

Romance after remarriage
A second marriage in a blended family is much different than falling in love for the first time. A first marriage is all about romance and starting a new life together, while the second marriage is going to carry a little bit of baggage - there are children to worry about now, and biological parents, and on a romantic level, damaged expectations from a previous relationship. The practicalities of life often hinder any alone time that might be involved, but romance is vital in keeping a stable marriage. Set aside a block of time each week or every month, when mom and dad can do anything they like without the kids. Also, be sure to take a few minutes every day to check in with your spouse and to catch up on the day's events. Communication and romance are necessary elements in a marriage.

Respect for the step-parent
"You're not my mom!" Get used to hearing it. It won’t be a one time thing while you transition into your new family. Children will fight with a new authority figure, and they may have little respect for that adult. Or, maybe, if you’re a little bit luckier, they’ll see you as a friend instead of a parental figure. Yet no matter the situation, you have to work with your partner to be sure that they respect you. Don’t let the kids intimidate you; don’t let them walk all over you. Work with your partner to determine disciplinary action when children become disobedient and disrespectful.

Bonding with blended family members
Blended and step families who are able to get along well and to bond with one another are much happier as a result. Since some children may feel resentment toward new family members, it can be difficult to bond in the beginning. Parents need to understand that it is hard on children to uproot and to be placed in a new environment with different people. Give them some time, but make sure the line of communication is open. Spend some one-on-one time and let them know that you’re not just their mom’s new husband or dad’s new wife, but part of the family. Talk to the child and find out what is bothering him or her, so you can take the appropriate steps to work out any problems.

The creation of the blended family is as difficult as maintaining harmony in even the most traditional, “Leave it to Beaver” families. The biggest obstacle to maintaining harmony is making sure that, even if everyone’s needs are not being met, they’re being heard. Keep communication open and honest, and you’ll be well on your way to a happy family.

Note from Shirley Cress Dudley:  If you need more assistance, consider getting a copy of Blended Family Advice, or getting coaching at The Blended and Step Family Resource Center.

Guest Post from Allison Gamble
Allison Gamble has been a curious student of psychology since high school. She brings her understanding of the mind to work with psychologydegree.net