Saturday, July 23, 2011

Should my stepchild have a photo of the ex in his room?

A step mom recently asked:
Is it O.K. for my stepchild to have a picture of his mom in his room? What about a photo of his mom and his dad together (my husband with his ex.) That really bugs me and I wonder if it's O.K.


Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

Blended families are tough.  Good for you- for reaching out, when you need an outside opinion.  There's nothing wrong with a child having a photo of their "other" parent in their room. 

Having a photo of mom and dad together is not healthy- it perpetuates the dream of mom and dad getting back together. This photo needs to be put in a special album or her, or stored away.

Parents sometimes say- "but he's been through so much- can't he just keep the photo?"  These are the parents that stand together for a group "family" photo at school events, or even get together at the holidays, "for the kids."

These are the parents that are keeping their kids from accepting reality- ignoring the changes that have happened in their lives.  These parents are keeping their children from healing, and learning to cope with life when it doesn't go the way they want to. These parents are actually hurting their kids, by shielding them from reality and allowing things like couple's photos in the home.

Let your partner read this- it may help.

Shirley Cress Dudley
author of the book, Blended Family Advice

Saturday, July 2, 2011

One of my kids just won't accept our new blended family

A blended family mom recently asked what can be done about her daughter who isn't accepting her new stepdad and the blended family. It's been several years, and all the other kids are adapting.


Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

You may not like this answer- but here is what I believe needs to happen:

Your daughter needs discipline.  She doesn’t have to like your husband or her step siblings, but she is required to be polite, friendly and respectful. If she is not, then she should experience consequences (by you- as the biological parent.)

Life changes, things happen to us that we can’t control, and we don’t like, but we have to adapt- that’s just life.  It’s time for her to learn how to adapt. As a parent, it’s your job to teach her.  By requiring her to adapt to her new blended family, you will be helping equip her for life. Don’t label her as non-adaptable- it’s basically just poor behavior and it needs to stop. She’s running the show by trying to getting things the way she wants them to be, 100% of the time- and that’s not life (not in a family, a marriage, a job, or anything.)

I recommend the book Blended Family Advice or also seeking blended family coaching, so that you have the support you need while making these changes in your parenting and in your family.
Good luck.

Kindest Regards,
Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC FACMPE