Daughter doesn't want a step mom

A soon-to-be step mom asks:
I just need little advice. I am engaged to my fiancé, and he has a 7year old. He believes I resent his daughter because she is from a different woman. I truly don't resent his daughter, but I will admit some of my actions do seem as if I resent her. I do try and keep my space when his daughter is around only because she can be rude and pretty demanding at times towards me. We have a good relationship, but there are times I just do not want to be around her.

I love and care for her very much, I just want to prepare myself to be a good step mom. Can you provide some guidance on how to help her understand that it is not okay for her to talk to me in a disrespectful way? Also, how should my fiancé respond to his daughter when she comments that, "he should not have a girlfriend," and why isn't he with his mommy?" Please provide some guidance for us.

Shirley Cress Dudley, Blended and Step Family Expert responds:
Yes- blended families are difficult. Here are some tips for you to make it easier.

His daughter may still be grieving the separation of mommy and daddy. It’s important for your fiancé to convey to his daughter that he loves her, and even though he’s not with her mommy, he will always be her daddy, and will always love her. He can encourage her to talk about this. As long as she is respectful, it’s fine for her to share her angry, confused thoughts.

It’s also important for her daddy to start talking to her about how he wants to be with you and get married. He should discuss this with excitement and tell he how happy you make him. Involve her in the wedding planning- like picking out her dress, or talking about her carrying flowers at the wedding.

He should discuss how marrying you creates a new family and this family will have house rules. Some of these rules are- obeying and respecting adults, and not being rude to adults. Make sure there are consequences to poor behavior, and the consequences should be enforced by her dad. You should concentrate on building the relationship at this time and let him be the bad guy. He should tell his daughter that you don’t replace her mom, but will be her stepmommy- another adult to love her and take care of her.

It’s fine for you to not want to spend all your time with her. You need balance: time alone, time with your fiancé and time with your soon-to-be blended family. He needs the same- time alone, time with you, daughter/daddy time, and blended family time. Balance is the key.

Poor behavior should not be tolerated. Times of change (such as parent’s separating, and remarriage) have children bouncing around- not understanding what’s going on. They need boundaries and guidelines. These boundaries (or rules) give them security and a sense of stability. It’s not time to let her get away with rudeness in actions or words.

I hope this helps. If all this isn’t enough, I recommend checking out my book, Blended Family Advice, and also considering some coaching. My website also has lots of information- articles, newsletters, stories and poems from other blended families. I’m also running a special- just for engaged couples or blended families that have been together less than 2 years.

I think you’ll find a lot of help there. Here’s the link:

http://www.blendedfamilyadvice.com

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center