My fiancé is still posing for family photos with his ex-spouse

A future blended mom asks:

help!  My fiancé is still posing, each year, for Christmas family photos with his ex-wife and his kids. They also celebrate Christmas together, each year. He doesn't see any harm in it, and says the kids like it. I don't think this is right- what can I do?

Shirley Cress Dudley Responds:

You are right, your fiancé does not belong in family photos of family that no longer exists.  Some parents believe that by celebrating the holidays together (even though they are divorced) is best for the kids.  In reality- it’s cruel to the kids.  By continuing to celebrate Christmas together, and taking group/family photos, it gives the kids hope that mom and dad may be together again someday (every child’s hope and dream.)

If both parents have remarried, (or are engaged) and everyone can attend and will get along- then it’s fine for everyone to be there, as long as it’s everyone.

It’s time for your fiancé to have his own Christmas celebrations. I don’t know how long this has been going on, but as soon as he separated from his ex, he should have begun celebrating the holidays separately.  The kids need to see the “new world” and that includes dad as a single person, and one who, as an adult, can celebrate birthdays and other holidays, in his own home. Now that you are engaged, it should be a celebration with you, your fiancé and all of your kids- if that’s possible. If not possible, then make sure once you are married you celebrate together as a blended family.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Post Step Family Holiday Blues

If the holidays did not go as planned, and you have some bad memories of the last few days, there is still hope for your blended family. Here are some things you can do:


Talk with your spouse about how you would have done things differently.  Listen to your mate as you discuss together what to do that will benefit all of your family. Plan a different strategy for next year. Discuss what you did enjoy and rejoice in your successes.


Take your biological kids aside and discuss the holidays. Tell them how important it is for you to have all of your blended family together for the holidays, and for this family to be kind and friendly to each other.  Discuss what went well, and what could have been done differently. Parents- don't forget the rude, disrespectful and unkind behavior should be disciplined immediately- no matter how old the child is- even adult children can be asked to leave your home when behaving badly.


It also may be time to get some counseling or blended family coaching. Reading a few good books, or talking to someone educated in blended and step families can give you and your mate insight into some new ideas for your step family issues.


Above all, rejoice in the fact that the holidays are over, and you and your family survived!  Remember the good times, and know that even the bad memories are ones you may sit around the fire (hopefully) and laugh at next year.


I wish for you and your family a new start for 2011, and the best year ever!

Kindest Regards,
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC
Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center.

Best Visitation Schedule for My 18 Month Old

A newly separated mom asks:

 

My son's father and I are trying to come up with a reasonable visitation schedule that is best for my son. He wanted to do Mon, Wed, Friday and every other Sunday. I want a schedule with stability for him, and I don't think switching back and forth every other day is stability. I have never done this before so I want to know some sort of visitation schedule that would be best for a 18 month old.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

Deciding the best visitation schedule can be tough.  I agree with you that every other day could be confusing for your son and also confusing for you and your ex-spouse

There are several different types of visitation schedules that seem to be common among blended families: Shared Visitation: one week with one parent, and then one week with the other parent.  Primary Custody: one parent has primary custody and the other parent sees the child every other weekend and 1-2 days (Tuesday and Thursday, or Wednesday) during the week.

What's important is that your son has a relationship with both mom and dad.  You don't have to like your ex-spouse, but it's important to encourage your child to have a relationship with his dad, and speak positively about those visits.

You can try several different schedules until the two of you agree on what works out best for you and your ex. Your child will be fine with any of the schedules I mentioned, and most likely the schedule you mentioned also.  (He would probably be the one the least confused.)

If you keep the main goal in mind, a relationship with both parents, any of these options will be fine.

Kindest Regards-

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Research on Blended Families

A undergraduate college student from Weber State University is doing research on Blended Families and Religiosity. If you are interested in participating- here is the link.

Once you have completed the Blended Family Survey- you have the choice of an Amazon.com or BarnesandNoble.com $5.00 gift card.

The survey takes approximately 7-10 minutes to complete.

Step daughter's flirting with their dad in blended family

A blended family mom asks:

 My fiance and I have very different parenting styles.He lives with me and my 3 children full-time and we have his kids on Wednesdays and every other weekend. He has great kids and so do I.

I feel like his girls are more sneaky and manipulative. He of course doesn't see this in them at all.His girls are 12 and 9.Their bedtime is 9:30 however they take way too long to get ready and want him to tuck them in repeatedly so it's 10 or later before they are actually in bed.I spoke to him about this and he feels it's not a big deal. They also tend to disregard him when we are trying to leave the house in the mornings before school.They always are running 15-20 minutes late because they stand around and waste time.His oldest gets up at 5am and still can't be ready by 7.my 3 kids are all ready to head out the door after only being up for an hour.He lets his girls watch movies that have sexual content and lots of profanity which really disturbs me as my kids are only allowed to watch movies that are appropriate for their age level.His girls tend to be way to physical with him.Always wanting to sit on his lab and his 9 yr had him carry her the other day with her facing him and her legs wrapped around his waste.They both have made the comment that they wish he was their age so they could date him.They constantly tell him he is cute and rub his arms in to me a sexual way.I spoke with him about it and he didn't realize how things looked but he still hasn't talked with them about it.When sitting next to him they throw their legs over him and sometimes their hands are to close to his genitals and they all seem like it's no big deal.My fiance never gives me the vibes that there is any unnatural feelings for his girls but I have the feeling that the girls are interested in him in a more intimate way.What should I do. I have had other people tell me that it is weird the way the girls act with their dad.They are good kids and for the most part don't cause any trouble.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:

I have had this experiences you described myself, and also heard similar stories from other blended and step families.  His girls see you as competition. They believe that if their dad loves you, it means that he loves them less. In their child-like eyes, they are doing what they believe will “win” him over to love them more, and give you up.  (If you completely think through it, it’s a bit sick, but the girl’s brains don’t think through it completely- their thoughts are clouded with the fear of abandonment.)  Here are some tips that may help this issue, and the other issues you mentioned:

House rules:

You and your fiancé need to establish house rules for your blended family.  Negotiate, decide what’s most important, and write them all down. This includes leaving on time, going to bed on time, and what kind of movie/television is appropriate to watch in front of the whole family.  You both will have to negotiate a bit to come to an agreement on these rules or guidelines. I do lean, though, towards watching age appropriate video and television content.  You may need to give in a little on the girls taking so long, but let natural consequences help the girls realize keeping to the schedule is necessary.  Example- agree on a bedtime for the kids (it may be different based on the ages of the kids, but should not be different based on which family they are from- his or yours.)  If someone goes to bed late one night, (say- 30 minutes) then they need to start going to be 30 minutes earlier the next night (natural consequence.)  Same in the morning- if they can’t leave at the specified time, then they will need to get up earlier and also go to bed earlier, to get enough sleep.

Your fiancé should spent some time with the girls talking about the difference between adult love and parent/child love (just the basics.)  “The love I have for Kelly is different than the love I have for you.  Loving her has nothing to do with a father’s love. I will always be your dad, and nothing and no one can ever change that.”

He should also praise the girls when they are showing good behavior- getting ready on time, obeying his instructions, etc. He should tell them how proud he is of them, and how they are growing up. When the 9 year old asks to be picked up, he should remind her that she’s too old for this.  If the girls start pawing him, it is fine for him to tell them that it’s not appropriate and this is not how a daughter touches her dad- stop immediately.  (Normally dads don’t notice these things- so you may need to have a secret word, or a tap on his arm, to help him notice when these things are happening.)  Girls have even started dressing provocatively and flirting with their dad to try to keep his attention and keep him away from the new stepmom. 

You can also reinforce their dad’s talk by telling the girls that you love them because you love their dad.  Tell them that being their stepmom doesn’t mean that you are their mom, or will ever take the place of their mom. Also tell them that their father loves them very much and you are glad he has a good relationship with them. 

I hope that helps. Sometimes couples need more than just an email. If you try these steps (and also let him read this email) and don’t see changes in the coming weeks, you may want to consider getting more help- joining a support group, purchasing a copy of Blended Family Advice, or getting blended family coaching.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Consultant for  Performance Online Marketing Services

You can follow Shirley-

Twitter:              @MarriageNFamily  (over 35,000 followers)

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Top 50 Relationship Bloggers!

The Blended Family Advice Blog was named one of the Top 50 Relationship Bloggers by MastersInCounseling.net 


We were in the Family and Kids section. Thank you for this honor!


The holidays are usually a tough time of year for blended families and step families, so make sure you stay connected with all of your resources:

• friends
• helpful websites
• blogs
• forums
• counseling or support groups

Also, don't forget to eat right, get enough sleep, and make sure you plan some "me" time in the craziness of the holidays.


Sincerely,
Shirley Cress Dudley, director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Blended and Step Family Holiday Contest

This week only- send in your blended family holidays photos or step family holiday memories and you will be entered in our drawing.


Prizes include:  Holiday Survival Kit for Blended and Step Families, Blended Family Advice- the book, and 30 minute mini-session with Shirley Cress Dudley to answer your holiday question.


Share your wonderful blended family photos, or memories of great holiday times in your step family. You will encourage and strengthen another family- and you also might win a prize!


Go to The Blended and Step Family Resource Center for more information about the contest.
Good Luck!

Holidays Tensions Rising in The Blended Family or Step Family?

Is your blended family having trouble figuring out the Thanksgiving break?  Are you and your ex-spouse already arguing about the holidays?


The holidays are the toughest time of year for step families and blended families. Here are some tips that may help:
-stay rested and get enough sleep, don't over commit
-exercise and eat right
-start negotiating the holidays as early as possible with your ex-spouse
-maintain a positive attitude when talking with your ex-spouse.
-make sure you talk to your current spouse/mate before finalizing any holiday arrangements with your ex-spouse


If you need more help- check out The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, talk to a counselor, join a local support group.


Talk again soon,
Shirley 


Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC
Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Yours, Mine and Ours- introducing a new baby into a blended family

After the wedding, and your blended family seems to be settling in- sometimes the new parents of this step family come up with some shocking news- a baby is one the way!  

Blended mom and dads may have children of their own, in this new family. These children, coming from the mom and dad in the new step family, would be related to the other children in the family, as a half-sister or half-brother.  At first, your children are going to protest and be upset about the arrival of a new baby in the family.  

It's important to reassure your children that there is enough love to go around- a new baby doesn't replace anyone's place in the family.  Talk with kids who don't live with you full time, and explain how important they are going to be, as older siblings, to the new baby. Let kids share their fears and concerns- while you listen- just listen.

Also, some of you haven't had kids in a while and it's important to babyproof the house.  Here are some tips to keep your home safe from Bonnie Ryan, who is affiliated with designer diaper bags.

• A Good Gate: Even if you are living in a ranch-style home or perhaps
  an apartment with no stairways, there will be rooms or areas you won't want
  your baby walking into, so a great gate is absolutely a must-have babyproofing
  purchase. 
• A Blind Winder: The number of children strangled every year because
  of dangling blind and also shade cords is actually devastating. In fact, the
  Consumer Product Safety Commission lists cords as one of the "hidden
  risks" parent's don't even think of. There are numerous low-cost window
  blind winders out there, however if you have to personally re-wind the cord
  after every use, chances are you won't use it
• Anti-Tip Anchors: If you have a climber (or possible climber) on your
  hands, furniture straps are a must. Whether it's a dresser or a shelf, attach
  these heavy pieces of furniture on the wall with anti-tip straps in order to
  avoid the furniture from tipping over
• Fireplace Safety: The hard stone around the fire place hearth can be
  very dangerous with little ones all-around. Its sharp edges and rough stone
  corners can cut, and also seriously hurt the tripping child. You must choose
  one of the several good hearth bumper pads available in the marketplace.
• Corner Edge Bumpers: You can cover the corners of the end-tables and
  coffee tables with corner and side guards. One-sizing-fits all because you cut
  the foam to fit your particular table precisely
• Outlet Covers: For used outlets with cords, you can buy a cover that
  could prevent your baby from unplugging the cord and messing with the outlet.
  They are best for high-traffic areas where you will be inserting and
  un-plugging items often.
• Childproof Latches for Cabinets and Drawers: Drawer latches are also
  an essential-have for childproofing your home. They may prevent your growing
  infant from reaching intact drawers with sharp or tiny items stored within.
  Ideal for the kitchen, bathroom, or home office. Choose childproof latches that
  won't let your little one to get even a hand inside.
• Railing Net: Stair and railing nets will also be a must in case your
  railing spindles tend to be further than 2.5 to 3 ins apart.
• Bath tub Safety Items: Bath-time is always fascinating for a growing
  baby. Keep it secure by using some of these little accessories- a bathtub thermometer to gauge water temperature, a bathtub safety rail to help your little one in and out of the tub safely, and a a faucet cover to protect her little head from bumps

These are the most critical baby safety gear items out there. Look at
them as an essential investment you will make in the years of growth and
exploration still ahead of you.

Thanks for those tips, from our guest post from Bonnie Ryan.  Bonnie is currently writing for designerdiaperbags.org,  her personal hobby blog focused on rules to help mothers
to get data to become a lot more eco-conscious and make their own eco-friendly
baby diaper bags.

Shirley Cress Dudley is the director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, and author of Blended Family Advice.


(You are welcome to reprint this
article on your site as long as you print it in it's entirety, including the
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Thank you.)

Secrets to a Happy Step Family

Through the years, I've talked to hundreds (maybe thousands- I've lost count) of blended and step families. I noticed a similar pattern in all of them. There is one underlying principle that keeps a step family strong and successful.

What is the underlying principle?  What is the secret?  The secret is to keep your marriage in the center of the family and in the center of the marriage. If you focus too much time on the kids, in ex-spouse, or your parents, your marriage will suffer. It sounds easy- but it's not.

Most parents have been own their own for several years, some have even fought to have custody or time with their kids. When they remarry, it's tough to change that focus and look back towards the marriage.  Keeping the marriage a priority gives kids an excellent example of what a healthy marriage should be.

If the primary focus is on the kids, children grow up in a unrealistic world, one that gives them everything they want- as soon as they ask. That world is not real- and will cause more problems than you can image.

Do you want to solve most of your blended or step family issues?  Put your marriage first.

Talk with you again soon,

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Step Mom having trouble discipling stepson

A step mom asks:

I am an almost step mom to an eleven year old boy. His mom is not in the picture for the most part and he is very angry with her. His dad wasn't allowed to decide how the boy would be raised and what he would and would not be allowed to do and say.When the mom checked out of his life, his dad and I have become full time parents to him. Now that this little boy is older he has such a bad mouth and argues constantly. Watches things I wouldn't suggest to an adult and throws fits when he is told that he has to do things our way. I want him to grow up to be a good person who knows right from wrong and can be around other people. Time outs don't work, and lectures don't work. He is home schooled because he cannot function in a regular classroom setting. We constantly got calls from the school that he was in trouble and made it difficult for the other kids to work. We need some serious help. What do you suggest?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds: 

You’re already doing an outstanding job- taking responsibility for your soon-to-be stepson, helping him with school, and basic everyday expectations.

You mentioned that timeouts don’t work. That’s one option- discipline for poor behavior. Possibly you haven’t had a long enough time out, or a quick enough reaction to his poor behavior. If the timeout is consistent, immediate, and equal to the “crime” – it is more effective. (for an eleven-year-old, a 30-60 minute time out is appropriate, a time for him to go to his room and read, or clean up an area for 30 minutes.)

Another technique is praise. When you “catch him” doing something good- praise him immediately.  You can also offer rewards at the end of the week, or the end of the day, if certain behavior is maintained. An example may be- a day without temper tantrums means you get to watch a 30 minute television program this evening.  A week of great school work results in going to the movies, or renting a movie. If you are really organized, and would like to do this- you can create a chart, with stars for good behavior, and give rewards related to how many stars he earns each day.

Make sure your spouse supports you and is in agreement with you in your efforts.  A “united front” of parents will be more effective, than if the two of you disagree on his behavior and discipline.  If you do disagree- talk with your mate in private and get the issues resolved before presenting them to your stepson.

As far as the television or videos he is watching, you and your mate are the parents now, and you can control his viewing. Remove any inappropriate videos from his collection, and prevent him from watching anything you feel is important.

It will be difficult, and he will fight you on these boundaries, discipline and limits in his life.. but- a child perceives boundaries and limits as love. Although you will see him protest, he knows, deep inside, that you are doing this because you love him.  Remind him daily that you love him and want what’s best for him.

Good luck.  You can make a real difference in this child’s life. Good for you for having the drive, interest and love for him.

Kindest Regards,

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center