What if new step parent doesn't want to parent?

A reader asks: What happens when a parent marries someone who isn't suitable for their family and they don't encourage the family to get along? What could they do?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
Unfortunately, over 50% of second marriages end in divorce. If someone marries again because they look like a great mate, but aren't interested in being a step parent- the marriage is probably not going to be successful. The new partner is automatically a brand new step parent- whether they like it or not, and has the responsibility of helping to co-parent the kids (while the kids are in their home.) If the new partner has no interest in this- it's a definite problem.

Divorced moms and dads need to remember this when they re-enter the dating scene, looking for a partner. I also highly recommend premarital counseling for all couples- but especially for blended family couples. Then, they can discuss these issues ahead of time and figure out if they are truly a good match.

For more information, check out Blended Family Advice ebook- your instruction manual for blended families.
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended Family Coach

Stepson said inappropriate things to stepmom-what to do?

A reader asks:
I have an unusual situation...
I have known my step-son for over 7 years, he is now 27. He has many issues including his mother, stepdad, just being disfunctional in general. A complete loser. I have always tried to be like a Mom to him since he never really had one. He is getting married next month (September).
A month ago we (my daughter 20 and my son 23) invited him and his fiancee over to play some board games and have a couple of beers. He became progressively drunk as the evening went on. I didn't know he was stealing booze after going into the house to "go to the bathroom" After he decided to try to start a fist fight with my son because my son "is from the city" and he "is from the country", I told his fiancee to get him out of my backyard and take him home. If that wasn't bad enough, he fell on the ground and started crying and saying that I was "hot" and he wanted to "sleep with me" (not using that term, though). Needless to say, I am disgusted, fell disrespected and don't even want to be around him or the fiancee.
I have to decided to wait until after the wedding to MAYBE tell my husband what happened. Not even sure if I want to tell him, since it will cause a rift between all of us. I am running out of excuses not to have the stepson and fiancee over. Any advice? Thanks

Shirley Cress Dudley's response:
Yes- this is a tough one. Alcohol makes us say things we shouldn’t say, even things we don’t really mean, and do things we shouldn’t do.

Your husband is your partner in this and I believe you should tell him what happened. (If it’s too uncomfortable- then show him this email.)

I would begin with the preface that you know people act ways that are not normal when they are drunk. Then- tell him what happened. Ask your husband what he wants the two of you to do. You can’t break off relations with your stepson, since he is still part of the family- and yet, his drinking along with inappropriate words and poor behavior can not continue.

Figure out how to convince your stepson to get help. Possibly invite the fiancée over to your home to discuss your concerns. Beginning a marriage with someone dependant on alcohol is such a tragedy. The fact that you experienced his inappropriate behavior in front of his fiancée will allow you to talk with her openly.

Good luck. Continue to love your stepson as his stepmom- I commend you for wanting to do what’s best for your family. The next time you talk with your stepson- talk with him together, with your husband present, about your concerns.
Shirley

New articles for step families and blended families

Blended Family Resource Center has lots of great new articles to help blended families and step families with their everyday struggles of blending a family.

Here are some of the articles:
Five Rules for Divorced Dads
Managing Family Stress and Conflict Resolution
Top Ten Signs of a Successful Blended Family

Spend some time on the website today and help your family.
Have a great day!- Shirley Cress Dudley

Casting producer still looking for blended families

Casting producers are still looking for the perfect blended family to put on their reality show. Ideally they want a mom with 2 kids from a previous marriage and a dad with 2 kids from a previous marriage - together in one home, with the kids living primarily in that home.

If you fit that description, and your kids want to be on a reality show- contact Brent:
bhatherill@sirensmedia.com