Are You A Disney Dad?

Are you a “Disney Dad?”
• Do you get nervous when it’s time for your child(ren) to visit?
• Do you want everything to be perfect and your child(ren) happy at all times?
• Do you try to make wonderful plans, over the top, AMAZING activities each time they come over?
• Do you ignore your spouse and other family members during the visit?
If you answered yes to at least two of these questions…then you’re a Disney Dad!

Is this a bad thing? Well – yes and no. It’s great that you love your kids- no problem with that. It’s wonderful that you want to make your kids happy- that’s O.K. too. But is it realistic that you’ll keep them happy ALL the time? Nope.

Unrealistic Hopes
You are worrying yourself into an impossible situation. You can’t please your child(ren) all the time. If you really want to do this, I recommend divorcing your current spouse, giving up your job, your blended family, friends, hobbies, and possibly sleep too- but I need to warn you- it won’t be enough. Kids sense this struggle, and they will whine and whine, scream for MORE- attempting to get you to “raise the bar” every weekend. Will it ever satisfy them? Of course not- but your kids don’t know this.

What Do Children Really Need?
Children need love, belonging and recognition. They want to know that you love them and they are an important part of your life. How do you show them? By including them in your life.

Take them on your errands. Eat meals with your blended family, and involve them in family activities. It’s O.K. to have some one-on-one time over the weekend, but that shouldn’t be your main focus. Your child(ren) needs to see that they are a part of your family and part of your life. Those of you who have remarried and have step kids living with you- it’s important to show your biological children that they “fit” in this family, and you want them to be a part of it.

Who’s in Charge?
Right now- it’s your child(ren.) They really want structure and leadership from you. It’s time to be their parent and not their friend. They have friends, but they need to see some stability, structure and leadership from you.

It’s not time to eliminate discipline or instruction from you. Your child wants to please you and have you proud of him/her. By discussing your expectations with them, you are guiding them to be more responsible and continue becoming the best person they can be.

How Much Effect Can I Have, 26 Weekends a Year and a Couple of Holidays?
You’d be surprised how much effect a non-custodial father can have on his child(ren.) The role of a father in a child’s life is crucial. Your visits with them are great, but you can also maintain your relationship with phone calls, texts and even communicating with them on Facebook. Children need their father- a male role model in their lives. Don’t minimize the effect you can have on your child(ren.) When your child(ren) visits, show them a normal family, and a normal marriage- not a time where one person overshadows everyone else’s needs- that’s not normal or healthy.

Conclusion
As you are reading this article, some of you are saying, “Well, a couple of those points sound familiar, but I’m not as bad as all that.” Just a hint- if a couple of these paragraphs apply, then you’re a Disney dad. As my husband says, “Walks like a duck, sounds like a duck…..it’s a duck” In other words- don’t deny it, it’s time for change.

For more information, get your own copy of Blended Family Advice it’s a great instruction manual for how to be a remarried dad in a blended family.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She is the founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center. Shirley has a passion for helping blended and step families grow strong and be successful. Sign up for our Free newsletter and receive a Free Report- Top Ten Worst Mistakes You Can Make in Your Blended Family,
http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com

(You are welcome to reprint this article, as long as it is reprinted, unedited, in it’s entirety, along with the bio at the end. Thank you.)

Blended Family Advice: Getting Reading Emotionally for the Holidays in a Blended Family

Blended Family Advice: Getting Reading Emotionally for the Holidays in a Blended Family

Getting Reading Emotionally for the Holidays in a Blended Family

The holidays can be a time of great stress and also depression for both adults and children. Memories of the past, both positive and negative, can bring sadness into your newly blended family.

Talk about the pain
Children sometimes have trouble expressing their emotions. Little ones may “act out” instead of being able to express their feelings. For younger children, it’s helpful for parents to talk to them and explain that- “I know things are different this year, and everything’s a bit unfamiliar. Your Mom and I still love you very much. The holidays will be different, and we aren’t married anymore, but you are still loved.”

Older kids and teenagers may be able to discuss their feelings. They may ask if Mom and Dad can celebrate the holidays together. If either of their parents has not remarried, this is very confusing for the kids, and gives the impression that Mom and Dad could reunite one day. Don’t celebrate together unless both parents have remarried and you are able to have a happy, civil holiday together.

Be prepared for your ex-spouse to have extra holiday emotions
Your ex-spouse may also be sensitive around the holidays. Small events, such as changing the visitation schedule by a couple of hours may set your ex-spouse into a tizzy. Take a deep breath, and don’t get defensive. Remember that everyone has heightened emotions around the holidays. Try to communicate by text or email, instead of picking up the phone to hear an ex-spouse yelling on the line.

Don’t stress about the details
Everything will not work out perfectly. The kids may transition to your home late, the turkey may not cook completely, or your ex-spouse may even sabotage your holiday meal by stuffing the kids with sweets right before dropping them off to your house. It’s O.K.- really! Just try to relax, life isn’t normally perfect, so don’t expect your holidays to be completely perfect either.

It just gets easier
As the years pass, it will become easier and easier for your blended family to celebrate the holidays together. Children will learn what’s expected of them, memorize the rotation (Am I at Mom or Dad’s house the week before Christmas?) and become accustomed to celebrating with their stepsiblings and stepparents.

Get your copy of The Blended Family Survival Kit to help your family become strong and successful.
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended and Step Family Expert

Free Parenting Webinar, The Art of Consequences

Have you heard of the old Chinese proverb... "Parents who are afraid to put their foot down usually have children who tread on their toes." Does that sound like you, at times?

Then, it's time to sign up for the free parenting webinar, The Art of Consequences, with Amy McCready.

Free Parenting Webinar

You may have recently read the article, in the NY Times, or also your local paper (it was featured in my local paper) that “Shouting is the new Spanking.” Here is the link, if you are interested. http://bit.ly/33SsYl

I met Amy McCready recently, and we talked about how our missions are similar. I work with blended and step families, and Amy works with parents. Amy McCready has agreed to offer a free webinar to the subscribers of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center. Amy is the founder of Positive Parenting Solutions. Here’s more information about the webinar:

Free Parenting Webinar
Who Should Attend: Parents of children ages 1-16 who want to learn concrete tools to effectively correct misbehavior – without yelling, nagging or punishing.
What You’ll Learn: Amy McCready, Founder of Positive Parenting Solutions will present a fun and interactive training session designed to teach you…
• why children really misbehave
• the formula for correcting misbehavior…permanently
• the 4 “must haves” for an effective consequence
• how to reduce your parenting stress and feel more confident in the most important job you’ll ever have.
Date: Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Time: 9:00 - 10:00 p.m. Eastern
Access: All you need is a computer with a speaker to hear the presentation. We’ll send you the log in instructions.
Cost: No charge for participants at the live event! The webinar recording will be available for purchase for those who could not attend the live presentation for $39.95.
We’re excited to be able to offer this free webinar. To register, go to: http://bit.ly/3GeJWl

Problems with StepKids

A blended mom asks:
My fiance and I have 2 children together ages 3 and 5. He also has 3 older children from previous relationships ages 7, 8 and 12. Since my first child was born, he has accused me and HIS family of treating his children by me better than his other children. Of course his family and I feel that that is not true.

His other children, my stepkids, live in another state. The problem is that his children do spend summers here. I love his children, but the 7-year-old has never respected me, nor do I trust her around my children unsupervised. For example, this summer, I saw her trying to convince my 3-year-old to eat something that could have hurt him. My 3-year-old had enough sense to tell her that he didn't want it because he thought it was medicine. She was telling him that it was candy. Even her older sister told them that it was medicine and that he shouldn't eat it, but the 7-year-old was insisting that it was candy. Of course, I chimed in and told them to throw it away whatever it was. (This happened while we were visiting the 7 and 8 year-old's home). I have not yet mentioned this to my fiance.. This is not the first incident that we have had concerning her, and it always causes us to argue.

Furthermore, when he fights with the other biological moms, he threatens to fight for full custody of the other kids. I feel like I have enough on my shoulders raising my two children let alone 2 or 3 other step-children that have perfectly capable mothers. Do you think this blended family can work, or should we hold off on getting married?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
I read through your question several times and I’m not sure where to start. I’ll try to answer your questions even though I don’t think I have the whole picture. (Not your fault – it’s just difficult through email.)

O.K.- here’s what I think-

I believe if you have two kids together, you ought to try to make it work, and ought to get married. I do believe that the commitment of marriage improves the relationship and also the relationships with the ex-spouses.

Talk with your husband about family rules. When kids are in your home (biological or step) they should abide by your family rules. You and your husband should spend some dedicated time together and develop these rules. Present your house rules to the kids along with consequences of them disobeying. Each child should follow the same rules. Check out Blended Family Advice book for more information.

As far as your husband’s perception of your/his kids being treated better than the kids from previous marriages, it may be because these kids live with you. It is easy to love, spend time with, and do things for the kids that are living with us. He can’t take it personally, if the other kids only visit and are not there full time. Tell him that the two of you can treat all the kids equally and also remind the relatives to do so (and that you prefer it) if you see your biological kids getting any preferences or extra attention. (Now- attention due to proximity is different. If the relatives are spending more time with your biological kids because they are living near them, just remember to bring the stepkids around these relatives when they are visiting.) It is tough, but treat them as equally as possible and remind your relatives that you want them to do the same.

Remember that your relationship (and future marriage) should take priority. If you focus on your relationship, the rest of the family will do better. Talk with your husband about your concerns about the 7 year old. Start off with, “I love ____, but there’s something I need to tell you about her that makes me uncomfortable. I need for us, as a couple, to figure out what to do.” He is on your side, your team- so, talk with him about your concerns. I know it sounds difficult to raise all of the kids (it’s unlikely that he will win full custody) but if it happens, it may actually be easier to parent your stepkids if they are in the house full time. Talk the positives/negatives over with your husband about this also.

I hope that helped, and addressed most of the issues you mentioned in your email. If your issues continue, you may want to consider coaching. www.blendedfamilyadvice.com/coachingwithshirleydudley

Step son and son issues

A Reader recently asked: My son and step son recently had a falling out. The boys are both 17. My step son was caught drinking and partying at his mom's house. (did not involve my son at all). When questioned by his mom he "offered" up that my son and he had drank and smoked pot together before. My stepson's mom told us and we had to discipline my son. My son is furious and feels the his brother ratted him out for no good reason. When my boys were 14 my stepson stole my son's wallet and lied about it, so there is a bit of a history of lack of trust. My son forgave him for that but this seemed to have sent him over the top. They will not talk to each other and the whole household is upset and stressed. What should we do as parents in this situation? My step kids some every other week.

Shirley Cress Dudley's response:
I see several issues:
*The boys have a trust issue and also and issue “bonding” as family members
*Discipline issues (including- both boys are smoking pot and drinking)

To work on the trust issues and blending your family, it would be helpful to schedule family activities (at least one) every weekend your stepson is present. I know it’s tough to get teenagers to stay at home and participate, but it is essential to bringing your family closer together. An idea might be to require the boys to be home for a family meal before going out for the evening. It’s helpful to tell both boys that you love them and would like for them to try to get along.

Also, you have some discipline issues- it is important for you and your spouse to decide on house rules and expectations. These guidelines should be for all the kids, visiting or living in the house full time. Once you and your spouse agree on those guidelines, present them to the boys, and inform them that there are consequences for disobeying/not respecting the guidelines. I recommend letting the biological parent enforce the consequences.

While I understand your son’s feelings that his stepbrother “ratted on him,” it is unacceptable for either boy, in your blended family, to engage in underage drinking or pot smoking.-that should be the primary concern. Even if the rules are different at his biological mom’s house, it is important for you to do what’s best for the boys, when they are in your home. You will find an unusual benefit to these new rules- your boys will bond with each other against the adults! That’s fine, but stand firm in your expectations for them. Soon, these boys will be on their own, and suffer more serious consequences from disobeying the law.

It’s tough to answer all of the issues in a brief email. Let me know if this information is helpful and gives you more ideas on actions to take.

Shirley Cress Dudley
Blended and Step Family expert

Attending a stepmother's funeral

A mom asks: I am seeking advice on the "rules" for blended families with regard to funerals and memorial services. This family event reminds me I have so much to learn about blended families beyond my immediate family situation and I find your blog very interesting and helpful to that end.

Would you be willing to share your opinion on the following situation? My significant other is part of a blended family. His parents divorced when he was a young adult and both parents remarried. He lives 10 hours from his (deceased) father and stepmother. He had a cordial relationship with his stepmother and her children, but never a close, bonded relationship - interactions only occurred around large, family get-togethers organized by his father.

His stepmother passed away last week and he is unable to attend the funeral due to a trip he has had planned for a very long time. He is being exceptionally hard on himself for not being able to go. He has even put off telling his stepmother's children because he feels so bad (even though they have implied in conversation that they don't expect him to be there). What has your experience been with others in similar situations? Is this a major a no-no to miss a stepparent's funeral - what are the "rules" on this situation? Would appreciate any thoughts you might be willing to share on this.

Shirley Cress Dudley replies:
That’s a tough one. A blended family is still your family. I understand your husband’s guilt and also his concerns. If he can’t make the trip to the funeral, and has other plans that can’t be changed, then he can’t make it, and that’s O.K. It would be nice if he could tell his step-siblings that he is sorry and send flowers or other memorials. The step-siblings may not expect him to attend, but may be comforted if he does attend (maybe not.) It’s always hard to tell with step-siblings, and depends on the relationship he had with them.

So- my answer isn’t an easy one. It depends on the relationship he had with those that have died and those who are living. We should attend the funeral to honor the dead, but also support the living relatives. If we are close to these members of our blended family- then attend. If not, then send your condolences and don’t attend. There are times when we can’t attend a very close relative’s funeral (due to military service, illness, etc.)

It would be best if he could be honest with the step-siblings as soon as possible, explain that he can’t attend, but that his heart is with them (and send something to them- flowers, card, etc.)

I hope that helps. As his wife, it would be great if you could support your husband in whatever decision he makes.
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC

Blended Family Advice is going to print!

Blended Family Advice is going to the publisher. Many of you have asked for a book you could "hold in your hand" so we are taking the ebook to the printers! You'll have a Blended Family Advice book in your hand before the holidays.

If you are having trouble in your family right now, check out Blended Family Advice ebook, or coaching with Shirley Cress Dudley.

Blog Information Profile for shirleycressdudley

How much time is O.K. to spend with my biological kids alone?

A reader asks:
We have been a blended family for a year, with some struggles, but pretty much O.K. My daughter is with us half time, my stepdaughter full time. My daughter is adjusting O.K., but wants to spend some alone time with me when she’s here. My wife feels that we have been married long enough that we need to bond as a family. She is discouraging separate time alone with our biological kids. Am I caving in to my child’s needs at the expense of creating a more cohesive family?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
This is a very common question; and one I hear at least 1-3 times a week. Usually the situation is similar to yours- mom’s kids live full time in the house, and dad’s kids visit, but don’t live there full time.

I think it’s great for blended families to have activities together. Doing things together really bonds the family and helps everyone feel more comfortable and a part of the family. But…

In reality, though, families don’t do things together all of the time. The kids that live in your home have some individualized time with their mom, and with you, just based on your various schedules. (Maybe mom wakes up early with the kids and gets them ready for school- that’s individual time with them. Maybe stepdad takes his stepson with him to the hardware store for supplies, that’s individual time. Or mom drives junior to his game, or helps sis with a project by going with her to purchase supplies- that’s individualized time.) We just don’t remember it, because it’s a part of our everyday lives.
I think it’s great to encourage your daughter to participate in family activities when she is visiting you, but I also believe a little personalized time with Dad is fine. You can take her on errands with you, or a quick occasional lunch out, or work together on a project- just the two of you.

Here’s some quick tips on spending time with our biological kids and step kids:
•Yes- it’s great for blended families to do things together. Make sure you have at least one little something special planned when kids are visiting. (Not a expensive, big deal – but a family movie night, or making sundaes together.)
•Yes- it’s best to include all family members for special events. Invite everyone, even the kids who aren’t supposed to be visiting that weekend. Note: give them enough notice to plan, or switch the event to a weekend convenient to all
•Yes- It’s O.K. for biological parents to spend some one-on-one time with their kids, as long as it’s not the entire day, or an ultra special event.
•No- it’s not O.K. for a visiting child to dominate a parent’s entire weekend.

The key is balance. If you spend the entire weekend with your daughter and ignore your wife and isolate yourself from the rest of the family- that’s too much. If you put your daughter into group situations the entire weekend (without even a walk around the neighborhood together) that’s too much also.

If you need more help-check out blended and step family expert, Shirley Cress Dudley. Coaching is offered for blended families.

National Step Family Day

National Step Family Day is September 16th. Christy Tusing-Borgeld is the founder and the first National Step Family Day was celebrated September 16th, 1997 almost thirteen years ago.

The goal is for all stepfamilies to rejoice in being different, and celebrate that you are a step family. This year’s day is scheduled to be on a Wednesday, so if you don’t have your entire step family with you- you may want to celebrate on another day (possibly the weekend before or the weekend after.)

National Stepfamily Day is supported by: The National Stepfamily Resource Center (NSRC) is a division of Auburn University’s Center for Children, Youth, and Families (CCYF). Dr. Francesca Adler-Baeder, Director of the Center for Children, Youth, and Families at Auburn University.

The mission of Step Family Day is – to have a strong commitment to support the stepfamilies of our nation in their mission to raise their children, create strong family structures to support the individual members of the family, instill in them a sense of responsibility to all extended family members.

For more information:
• The National Stepfamily Resource Center- www.nationalstepfamilyday.com
• Join the National Stepfamily Day- “Supporting the Cause” on Facebook, www.facebook.com
• National Step Family Day Picnic- http://www.nationalstepfamilyday.com/national-stepfamily-day-picnic.php

Another casting for blended families

The Planet Green Eco-Makeover Series Wa$ted is looking for Blended Families in the NYC Tri-State, Contact Gia at- greenhomes@liontv.us for more information.

What if new step parent doesn't want to parent?

A reader asks: What happens when a parent marries someone who isn't suitable for their family and they don't encourage the family to get along? What could they do?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
Unfortunately, over 50% of second marriages end in divorce. If someone marries again because they look like a great mate, but aren't interested in being a step parent- the marriage is probably not going to be successful. The new partner is automatically a brand new step parent- whether they like it or not, and has the responsibility of helping to co-parent the kids (while the kids are in their home.) If the new partner has no interest in this- it's a definite problem.

Divorced moms and dads need to remember this when they re-enter the dating scene, looking for a partner. I also highly recommend premarital counseling for all couples- but especially for blended family couples. Then, they can discuss these issues ahead of time and figure out if they are truly a good match.

For more information, check out Blended Family Advice ebook- your instruction manual for blended families.
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended Family Coach

Stepson said inappropriate things to stepmom-what to do?

A reader asks:
I have an unusual situation...
I have known my step-son for over 7 years, he is now 27. He has many issues including his mother, stepdad, just being disfunctional in general. A complete loser. I have always tried to be like a Mom to him since he never really had one. He is getting married next month (September).
A month ago we (my daughter 20 and my son 23) invited him and his fiancee over to play some board games and have a couple of beers. He became progressively drunk as the evening went on. I didn't know he was stealing booze after going into the house to "go to the bathroom" After he decided to try to start a fist fight with my son because my son "is from the city" and he "is from the country", I told his fiancee to get him out of my backyard and take him home. If that wasn't bad enough, he fell on the ground and started crying and saying that I was "hot" and he wanted to "sleep with me" (not using that term, though). Needless to say, I am disgusted, fell disrespected and don't even want to be around him or the fiancee.
I have to decided to wait until after the wedding to MAYBE tell my husband what happened. Not even sure if I want to tell him, since it will cause a rift between all of us. I am running out of excuses not to have the stepson and fiancee over. Any advice? Thanks

Shirley Cress Dudley's response:
Yes- this is a tough one. Alcohol makes us say things we shouldn’t say, even things we don’t really mean, and do things we shouldn’t do.

Your husband is your partner in this and I believe you should tell him what happened. (If it’s too uncomfortable- then show him this email.)

I would begin with the preface that you know people act ways that are not normal when they are drunk. Then- tell him what happened. Ask your husband what he wants the two of you to do. You can’t break off relations with your stepson, since he is still part of the family- and yet, his drinking along with inappropriate words and poor behavior can not continue.

Figure out how to convince your stepson to get help. Possibly invite the fiancée over to your home to discuss your concerns. Beginning a marriage with someone dependant on alcohol is such a tragedy. The fact that you experienced his inappropriate behavior in front of his fiancée will allow you to talk with her openly.

Good luck. Continue to love your stepson as his stepmom- I commend you for wanting to do what’s best for your family. The next time you talk with your stepson- talk with him together, with your husband present, about your concerns.
Shirley

New articles for step families and blended families

Blended Family Resource Center has lots of great new articles to help blended families and step families with their everyday struggles of blending a family.

Here are some of the articles:
Five Rules for Divorced Dads
Managing Family Stress and Conflict Resolution
Top Ten Signs of a Successful Blended Family

Spend some time on the website today and help your family.
Have a great day!- Shirley Cress Dudley

Casting producer still looking for blended families

Casting producers are still looking for the perfect blended family to put on their reality show. Ideally they want a mom with 2 kids from a previous marriage and a dad with 2 kids from a previous marriage - together in one home, with the kids living primarily in that home.

If you fit that description, and your kids want to be on a reality show- contact Brent:
bhatherill@sirensmedia.com

Casting Producer looking for blended family

A Casting producer wants to do docu-series on a newly married blended family. She is interested in a family that has either just gotten married or will be getting married soon, and will be a blended family. For more information contact Jenny at sirenscasting@gmail.com

Be a Writer for The Examiner

I wanted to send you this email to let you know I’m the Blended Family Examiner for Examiner.com. You can find my page at http://www.examiner.com/x-15117-Charlotte-Blended-Families-Examiner
I’d love to know what you think!

Examiner.com is ranked as one of the top 100 websites in the United States by trusted rating site Quantcast.com. They have thousands of informed local and national writers contributing hundreds of thousands of useful, informative, topic-specific articles every week.

They asked me to refer anyone I know who might be a good Examiner, and I thought about this group.

If you’d like to learn more, you can read up on Examiner.com
or if you’re ready, you can apply now. If you decide to apply, would you mind letting them know I (shirley Dudley) referred you?

Currently, Examiner.com is paying a $50 referral bonus for each person that I refer as long as their application is accepted – if you forget my ID number when applying, I won’t receive the credit for your referral. Keep in mind that this program is open to you too if you are accepted as an Examiner!

If you have any questions you’d like to ask me before you apply, please let me know.

Thanks for taking a look at my page, and, if you decide to apply, good luck!
Shirley Cress Dudley

Dixie the Step Dog

My step kids's mom decided to give away one of their dogs (due to her new marriage.) It didn't seem fair for the kids to experience a divorce, two weddings and then the loss of a dog- all in a couple of years...so, I decided we would adopt their dog.

The first day, one of my step daughter's brought Dixie over for a visit. She was a little unsure of herself and stayed close to her little 14 year old master. The second visit- we moved her in: new bed, some toys, and a rawhide.

Did I mention we already have two dogs? (a Westie/Schauzer mix- that's 9 lbs soaking wet, and a 35lb Chow Chow/Golden Retriever that's 13 years old.) In other words- a very hyper tiny dog and an old, peaceful, slow, medium dog. Dixie is a full bred German Shepherd that weighs almost as much as me! She lives outside and her job is to guard the house.

Our first full day, we brought the two dogs outside to meet their new step sister. There was a little growling and some sniffing. The second day was a little less growling and a little more sniffing.

Gradually, over the first month, the three dogs have learned to accept each other into the pack. Wouldn't it be nice if our stepfamilies could accept each other, just as easily, in only a month? Well- it helps that the new dog is only an outside dog and the other two dogs are inside dogs. (I suppose if I made the stepkids sleep outside in the garage I wouldn't be the best stepmom!)

It does take time for everyone to figure out their place in a new stepfamily. Time to figure out that, although things have changed, everyone is still loved and still has an important place in the family.

Summer Giveaway extended until July 5th!

We still have several prizes left- so the Summer Giveaway has been extended to July 5th. If you know of a blended family who would benefit from one of these prizes- encourage them to register for the event at http://www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com/SummerGiveaway

Here are the great prizes we still have:
Background Check -Experience the freedom of feeling SAFE about your date. CheckoutADate.com provides you with background checks that give you the confidence you need in dating.- ($29.95 value)

Understanding my Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder - A children's story explaining the symptoms of ADHD to facilitate awareness of the disorder and how it affects them by Kara Tamanini

Does Your Church Connect with Blended Families? - Get the details on how to CONNECT blended families to the church- by Dr. Shane Stutzman.

PC for Peewees is a reference guide with practical ways to support toddlers learning with the use of computers- by Nicole Taylor.

Single Dad Journal, Document your experience as a single dad—life with the kids, mistakes you’ve made, lessons you’ve learned and things you can pass on to other dads. It will be a cathartic experience that will help you make life happen again. donated by RJ Jaramillo of SingleDad.com

Send in your blended family poem or photo today!

Blended Family Summer Giveaway

We still have some great prizes left in the Blended Family Summer Giveaway. Just sent a poem or photo to register. Details at http://www.blendedfamilyadvice.com/summergiveaway

Biological Mom has traits of narcissism and antisocial behavior- what to do?

Mom asks- I’m a stepmom to a 4 ½ year old boy and biological mom to a 17-month girl. Biological mom of son alienates and has many behaviors of narcissism/antisocial. How do we handle this?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
It’s hard enough to deal with the “other” parents in a blended family- much less when a parent has a possible personality disorder. Here are some tips that may help.

Don’t take her attacks and negative comments personally
Respond to her when you are calm and can look at the situation objectively. Don’t respond to any emotional comments or attacks. You don’t have to pick up the telephone every time she calls or respond immediately when she sends you a text. Take time to settle down and figure out if this is a message you need to respond to, or should ignore.

Focus on the child and his well-being
Respond only to issues concerning your stepson. Ignore anything non-related to him.

Speak positively about the other parent around your stepson
I know it’s difficult, but set the right example and speak positively about his biological mom. You may say, “I know your mom wants what’s best for you, so we’re going to talk as adults and get this figured out.”

Do the Right Thing
Keep your focus on doing what’s right for your stepson and your family. Work together as a team with your spouse. Continue to speak positively to the biological mom, stating that everyone wants what’s best for the children and you appreciate her working with you to make this happen. Keep your expectations up and continue to guide her to a healthier co-parenting relationship.

For more information, read Chapter Six of Blended Family Advice.

More Blended Family Prizes to Give Away!

Thank you for those who have sent in your blended family photos and poems. I hear we have someone working on a video to send in- but it's not quite ready yet!

We have some amazing things to give away- here's the current Prize list (more keep coming in!)

Blended Family Advice: Tips to help stepmoms and stepdads with the everyday struggles of blending a family- By Shirley Cress Dudley

3 Reports: 52 Fun Things to Do with your Blended Family for under $25, Blended Family Vacations, Financial Planner for the Blended Family- By Shirley Cress Dudley

The Package Deal: "My (not-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom"- by Izzy Rose

From My Mamma's Kitchen: A dash of this, a smidgeon of that, and a pinch of motherly love from my 9 moms. "Food for the soul, recipes for living"-By Johnny Tan

Background Check -Experience the freedom of feeling SAFE about your date. CheckoutADate.com provides you with background checks that give you the confidence you need in dating.- ($29.95 value)

Understanding my Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder - A children's story explaining the symptoms of ADHD to facilitate awareness of the disorder and how it affects them by Kara Tamanini

One Hour Parent Coaching Session- by Susan Tracy, founder of the Learning Together Parent Education Center.

Does Your Church Connect with Blended Families? - Get the details on how to CONNECT blended families to the church- by Dr. Shane Stutzman.

Bag of Avon Goodies- donated by Sandra Knollman, co-founder of Autism 4 Families, and is currently compiling a book of essays and poems about families with children with autism spectrum disorder. Sandra will be opening an autism resource center in the Greater Cincinnati/Northern KY area in the near future.

PC for Peewees is a reference guide with practical ways to support toddlers learning with the use of computers- by Nicole Taylor.

Signing Families DVD- Baby, Toddler and Preschool Sign Language. This special DVD was made for parents, educators, and caregivers to learn sign language and teach their young child or special needs child sign language-by Louise Masin Sattler and friends.

Single Dad Journal, Document your experience as a single dad—life with the kids, mistakes you’ve made, lessons you’ve learned and things you can pass on to other dads. It will be a cathartic experience that will help you make life happen again. donated by RJ Jaramillo of SingleDad.com

To register for the drawing, go to www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com/SummerGetaway
The next drawing is June 7th-Good luck!
Shirley

Summer Giveaway- new email address

Several subscribers sent me an email- letting me know that my Blended Family advice email address will not allow attachments- can you imagine? Well, some of you have been trying to submit your entries to the Summer Giveaway (I've been wondering where you were???) and now I find out your mail is being "returned to sender!!"

I sincerely apologize! I have changed the submission email to sdudley4@carolina.rr.com
This email DOES accept your poems and photo attachments.

We will continue the prizes throughout the month of June (including the first winners today- since I can't count, and assumed that the first of June was today, instead of tomorrow.)

First week's winners are:
Sherry W of North Carolina- for her beautiful blended family poem. Sherry chose Allegra Huston's book Love Child. Allegra is autographing the book and sending it directly to her, this week- how exciting.

Sandy K. of Ohio- for her tender poem about families. Sandy chose the Watch Me Learn, DVD's by David Palo. These DVD's are teaching videos for autistic, pdd and developmentally delayed children- by Dave Palo. Thank you, Dave, for donating these very helpful DVD's.

The Summer Giveaway continues- next drawing is Sunday, June 7th!
www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com/SummerGiveaway

Lots of Prizes to give away!!

The Blended Family Advice Summer Giveaway has grown faster than I can put the prizes on the website! We have people from all of the United States donating their books, DVD's, hour of coaching, and other great stuff to our blended family subcribers. Don't miss out- first drawing is tomorrow, Sunday, June 1st. It's amazing how many prizes we are offering. Go to www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com/SummerGiveaway for the details on how to enter.

I laugh out loud as I read Izzy Rose's, "The Package Deal"- her (no-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom. Her book is quite funny and very realistic for new step moms.

Johnny Tan's "From My Mamma's Kitchen" is a heartwarming tribute to his 9 moms. "A dash of this, a smidgen of that, and a pinch of mother love from my 9 moms."

We also have donations of an hour of parent coaching, a book on ADHD, a set of DVD's for autistic and developmentally delayed children, a set of DVD's on teaching your preschool sign language and more- I will name more of these items, in detail, each day in June as we continue our Summer Giveaway.

Sign up today! First drawing (and your pick of the prizes) is tomorrow.
I'll finish putting the rest of the prizes on the website this afternoon.

Good luck to everyone! Tell your blended friends- this is a great opportunity to win free stuff!!

Shirley Cress Dudley

Summer Giveaway at Blended Family Advice

We are having a Summer Giveaway at Blended Family Advice. Free books will be given away every Sunday in June (beginning next Sunday!)

To be eligible:
Step One- subscribe to Blended Family Advice newsletter
Step Two: Submit a poem, photo, or video about your blended family

For more details, check out the Blended Family Website Summer Giveaway page.

Radio Interview with Shirley Cress Dudley

Radio interview with Shirley Cress Dudley is now available. Here's the link:

Interview by Johnny Tan, of Blog Talk Radio, and author of From My Mamma's Kitchen.

Johnny Tan's Talk Radio

I'll be the guest on Johnny Tan's Talk Radio tomorrow, 11am EST (Tuesday, May 26th.) Topic is Blended Families and Step Families.

Call in and ask questions, so you won't have to hear me talk for an entire hour :) www.fmmktalkradio.com

Happy Memorial Day to you and your blended family

Happy Memorial Day! Any holiday is a great time to celebrate having a blended family. Make sure your family participates in as many holidays as you can.

Ideas for today:
-Grill out, as a family. Everyone helps prepare the meal
-Make a special dessert: red/white/blue- strawberries, blueberries and whipped cream, on angel food cake
-Have all ages help get your special meal ready.
-This afternoon: go on a walk, or a trip to the park
-Tonight: Rent a movie and watch it as a family

Celebrate your unique family and enjoy today's holiday!
For more ideas, check out Blended Family Holidays

Color Code Your Blended Family World!

We have five kids in 3 schools. Next fall- it will be 4 different schools. Each week is a challenge to make sure we don't forget an important event in our large, complicated blended family. So- we color code the calendar.

Yearly Scheduling
We purchased a large wall calender and use a different color marker for each child. At the beginning of the school year, we mark each child's school/exam/special events/holidays and other time off- on the calendar. Sometimes the calendar looks more colorful than a coloring book! Summertime and holidays are the most exciting to follow.

Weekly Scheduling
Then, we print a weekly calendar. You can create it on Microsoft Publisher, print it off Outlook, or use many of the other programs available on the Internet. The weekly calendar will print off the events from the yearly calendar and also add detailed information, and additional events. I enjoy putting clipart, photos and various colors on the calendar. This draws the kids attention and encourages their participation in adding events to the calendar.

Weekly Meal Planning and Shopping Guide
We also plan our weekly meals on this calendar. The kids are responsible for telling us if they will be missing a meal (due to their heavy teenage extracurricular activities) and we may switch around an entree or two, if there aren't many kids present at dinner. We also have a couple of frozen "ready made" meals on hand, just in case all the kids are out for the evening, and it's just the two of us. (Although we have been known to sneak out for a quick dinner and a movie!)

We keep a pad on the side of the refrigerator. One side is for the grocery store, the other side is for Wal-Mart. Anyone in the family can add items they need to this list. If someone needs something in the middle of the week, they put it on the list, and it will be purchased the next weekly trip.

Try it out! Color code your world and you'll discover:

• You won't miss any important events
• Your biological and step kids feel special because their events are listed on the calendar
• You don't make 2-3 trips to the grocery store, each week, because you haven't planned out the week

For other tips and advice, check out our website, http://www.blendedfamilyadvice.com/

Shirley

Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Allegra Huston's new book

Last night I (Shirley Cress Dudley) met Allegra Huston, and listened to her read excerpts of her new book, Love Child. Allegra speaks from her heart, about her mother's death, being passed around to family members- including sister Anjelica Huston and her boyfriend Jack Nicholson, and also nonfamily members.

Her stories of her convoluted blended family is both heart warming, intriguing, sad and also exciting.

Catch her when she visits your city, or pick up a copy of her book at your local bookstore.

Shirley Cress Dudley
http://www.blendedfamilyadvice.com/

Begin each day positively

Begin each day and remember what you are thankful for- Your health? Your family? Is it a clear, cloudless day? Your Blended family is at peace today? Take a few moments and breath a few deep breaths.

You'll find that your day will begin on a more positive note, and people will respond to your more positively.

What are you thankful for today?

Want your dream wedding for free?

A TV Casting producer, from DreamWorks TV show, "Wedding Day" is looking for a deserving couple who are engaged, who will be blending families. This is a feel good show with only wish fulfillment intentions, and she wants to focus on blended families for a particular show in June.

Here's a promo:
http://www.tnt.tv/dramavision/?oid=47477

This show makes the wedding preparation a family and friend affair, asking that they all participate in helping create a dream wedding for the couple.

If you are interested, contact Roberta Christensen, 310.903.5574 or
weddingdaycasting@gmail.com

Good Luck!
Shirley Cress Dudley
www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Question from stepmom

You made several great points:
-It's tough for the boys to transition back and forth between the houses. It's good to remember this and allow for the transition time. Sometimes even the little ones come back and call Mom "Dad" (or the other way around) for the first few hours. Just ignore the error and answer when a parental name is called.
-House rules are essential. Dad and new Mom need to decide on what's important to them, regarding house rules, and develop their expectations and guidelines. The boys need to be informed of these rules, and also the consequences of ignoring them. Dad and new Mom need to be seen as a united parental unit, when the boys arrive.

Also, kids- no matter how young, can sense the real motivation of adults. The parents need to do what's right- love the boys, spend time with them, but also be clear on their expectations of behavior. The boys will fight back, but deep inside kids respect, need and even crave boundaries and guidelines.

The Dad needs to take the lead in the discipline, even though the rules are developed by both parents in the home.

Hope that helps. For more information, check out www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com
Shirley Cress Dudley

Planning a Successful Summer for your Child

Are you ready for the summer? Have you and your spouse planned the visitation weekends and communicated to the various other families?

It can become very complicated if you have remarried, and your new spouse's ex has remarried, and your ex-spouse has remarried...did you follow all that? You will be communicating with a possible total of 5 families!

Tips for a successful summer:
-plan ahead
-communicate clearly your expectations
-be flexible and willing to change a couple of weekends to accomodate the majority
-don't take changes personally

Remember- you are doing what's best for the kids to have an organized summer, and one that your children can spend time with both parents.

Shirley Cress Dudley
www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Remember your mom and step mom next Sunday

I know it's hard, but it's important for you and your kids to remember biological moms and step moms on Mother's Day. It is very important to the growing relationship between the children and their stepmother. By honoring your stepmother, you are not dishonoring your real mother. It shows respect for the woman who is helping to parent your child when he/she is not around you.

It doesn't have to be anything mushy or over the top- just a card, and maybe some garden-picked flowers, or a small bouquet from the grocery store. It's not the amount of money spent- but the thought that counts.

Help guide your children to do something thoughtful this Sunday for their Step mom.

Other ideas:
Make dinner, clean up the house, make a hand written card (or have the younger ones draw a picture for their step mom.)

It's a tough job being a stepmom- and usually doesn't receive much gratitude from others. Don't forget sunday is Mother's day- for all the mothers- including the step moms!
Shirley at www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Just Signed Up for Twitter!

I just signed up for Twitter! Help- send me guidance on how to use this new medium.
I'm at BlendedFamily4U

See you soon!
Shirley Cress Dudley

The pain of blending a family

Happy Spring to all! The flowers are blooming, the birds are singing- and why isn’t your blended family happy?

I was reminded recently that my family has crossed many of the hurdles of blending a family. It’s true, one of our most frequent challenges is coordinating five children’s schedules. The strong negative emotions and the gut wrenching pains are mostly past.

But, as I read your comments, I am reminded that most of you reading this newsletter are still in the trenches- still in pain and still struggling to figure out how to make your blended family successful.

Those of you that have moved forward have some wonderful stories to tell, too. I would love to hear them- and how you worked to blend your family.

Here is a preview of a new ebook I am writing:
Let me know what you think, and send me your comments…


Introduction
My blended family is chaotic, busy and for the most part- happy and successful as a family. We struggle to coordinate schedules, but the days of yelling, crying, and massive conflicts are over.

I see other people refer to blended families as something you can blend with duct tape, or how families should try not to end up in a blender- all chopped up. These are very funny illustrations, but usually blending a family isn’t funny… it isn’t easy… it isn’t pleasant. I don’t think anyone can really describe the emotions, the pain, that blending a family can cause.

Read on, and I’ll tell you about my experiences, and also some of the experiences of others. As you read through these stories, I hope it will help you and encourage you in your path to make your blended family happy and successful.


Chapter One- The Pain
I don’t think anyone could have warned my husband about the pain of having a blended family. We were in love, and excited about getting married. Gradually, we exposed our kids to the new step parent- scheduling short meals, fun activities, and talking about the upcoming marriage. But when the day finally arrived, his kids, especially one of his daughters, was NOT happy.

She made our life miserable for the next year- screaming and yelling, moving photos of me in our home, throwing away notes from my new husband (that were in my bedroom,) refusing to participate in family activities, and actually pushing me away from her father on several occasions. After the last physical event, in which I had bruises on my chest and arms (this is a teenager- larger than me) he forbid her to come into our house. He set boundaries and expectations, and said that she wasn’t welcome until she could abide by his expectations.

During the day, he would argue with her on the phone, not allowing her to come over, or participate in any of our family activities. At night, he would lay in bed with me, crying that he couldn’t spend time with his daughter. I wanted him to have all of his children around him, but I agreed that his aggressive and angry daughter was not what we needed around the house, as we grew together as a family.

The pain was quite strong and also different among the family members:
•My husband wanted to have a close relationship to his daughter and yet continue to blend our new family. He could not tolerate his daughter attacking his new wife, both verbally and physically, and yet wanted a relationship with both his daughter and new wife.
•I wanted to have a relationship with his daughter, but she was very aggressive and angry at me- seeming to blame me for all the changes in her life. Whenever she was in the house, everyone was “on edge” and creeping around the house, avoiding her. I wanted my husband happy, and yet- we all seemed happier when this daughter was not pleasant. There didn’t seem to be any easy options for us.
•My children basically hid in their rooms, when his daughter was in the house, prisoners in their own homes, not knowing what to do with this angry stepsibling.
•My husband’s daughter thought she was no longer loved- that her father had replaced her, that she did not have the same importance to him as before. She saw the marriage as some sort of competition- and I was her enemy. She was confused, angry and very upset at the world that was changing around her.
•My husband’s other daughter was confused, wondering if she should “side” with her sister. Also, if she likes the new step mom- does that mean she doesn’t love her mother any more? What should she do?

It’s so hard to describe this to someone who hasn’t experienced it.
I hear from many of you- that the negative emotions of blending a family are very over whelming and quite surprising. Let’s discuss some of these reactions and figure out where they originate, and how to work through these emotions and feelings- and move towards move positive outcomes.

Blended Family Advice: Blended Family Advice website

www.blendedfamilyadvice.com

Blended Family Advice website

www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

The Emotions of Blending a Family

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year now, and things have settled down in our blended family. One of the hardest daily tasks is coordinating the schedules of our 5 children family (with a color coded monthly calendar, weekly updated calendar, and several post-it notes!) It's easy, at times, to forget the hard days. The days when kids were crying, yelling and fighting to have their reality changed. Parents divorcing, remarrying, selling houses, buying new houses... the emotional overload was heavy.

My goal, in the coming months, is to talk about those rough days. There are many of you- out there- in the thick of it right now, and hearing about our experiences may help you. Also hearing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. (Yes- sometimes it is a train! but after the train, there is a sense of peace and adjustment that eventually comes with most families.)

Send me your stories, and I will talk about your experiences along with my own.

It's a good day, today- and it's just going to get better. Just hang in there.
Shirley

Kids had 2nd thoughts about the Reality Show

Well- the kids voted and we agreed to do the interview. It was a telephone call, along with some video taping. As the day approached, several of the kids had some second thoughts and decided it wasn't such a good idea to participate in a reality show- after all. We've grown so much since our first days as a new blended family. Those days had a lot of conflict and tears. We've moved along and are getting used to each other and are functioning as a family. The kids don't want to back track- and I don't blame them. We contacted the producer and respectfully withdrew from the process. Well... it will make a nice story to tell our friends, but what's most important is that our blended family is doing what's best for us.

Blended Family Reality Show?

Our family is in the "final 5" to be selected for a reality show that would be on MTV. My kids are struggling- do we really want to be on a reality show? It would be fun, but does the world really need to see our day-to-day events? We haven't decided yet- but we'll take a family vote (of adults and 5 kids) in the next 1-2 days, and let the producer know. What do you think we should do?

Blended Family Advice has a new Blog

Blended Family Advice now has a blog! How exciting! This will be a great opportunity to share information, ideas, and also hear your thoughts on the day-to-day struggles of a blended family.

What is a blended family? Well, Wikipedia states that: " A blended (or complex) family denotes a stepfamily in which both new mates have one or more living kids from prior partners."

That's us! We married, had kids and then divorced or were widowed. Now we have found a new partner and are working to "blend" these two families together?

Is it easy? Heck no! It takes a lot of time, effort and patience to blend two famlies. That's one of the reasons we started this blog- to talk about blended families and help you with your family in becoming a strong, lasting unit.

Let me hear your difficult questions and concerns, and I'll do my best to answer them in this blog.

Until next time,
Shirley Cress Dudley